let's write Family Guy jokes

[Duncan Hills Coffee]

elon musk calls peter a pedophile

And the episode will be titled Peter-phile.

 

[NotSoGreatLord]

Lois: Peetah, tell that ambulance chasing lawyer I don't wanna sue!
Peter: Ah, come on, Lois, it can't be any worse than that time we hired Michael Cohen.

 

[Piga Dgrifm]

You think that's bad? Remember the time I posted in this thread?

 

[ComeoutandJULAY]

Lois: Peetah! Why does the [bleep] you took in the bathroom smell so bad?! I'm having a hard time breathing in here!

Peter: You think that's bad? Eh. It can't be any worse than the time I killed myself in the Japanese Suicide Forest.

[cutaway to Peter in the suicide forest, which is littered with dead bodies all over the place]

Peter: [tying a noose on a tree around his neck] Oh, please, God, end me! I don't want to live in a world where the Kardashians are still famous! [kicks the chair he's standing on, then turns purple as he's struggling]

[Logan Paul and his butt buddies, one of whom is holding a camera and filming him, enter the scene]

Logan Paul: Oh, my God, a [bleep]ing dead person, you guys! This isn't a [bleep]ing joke, bro! It's a [bleep]ing dead person!

[they then leave]

[the tree Peter hanged himself on falls down, causing Peter to make gasping noises]

Peter: God dammit!

 

[Roast Chicken]

*Brian walks in with a new human girlfriend*
Chris: Hey Dad, how come we never got Brian fixed?
Peter: Chris, Brian's a liberal. He doesn't need fixin'.
Stewie: Tell that to our mutant children.

---

Lois: The jury is in, Peetah. We're just not funny anymore.
Peter: Man, this is more devastating than the time I found out Bill Cosby was a rapist.
*flashback of Peter having his trousers pulled down by Cosby*
Cosby: C'mon Peter, lemme get a lick o' that puddin' pop!
Peter: OH GOD, THIS REALLY IS TERRIBLE. MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP! *crying*

 

[Replicant Sasquatch]

Peter: Man this is even worse than that time [Character from Current Pop Culture Work] interacted with [Recent Political Debacle or Natural/Manmade Disaster]

 

[LN 910]

“Hey Lois, Lois, I bought a bull Lois. Now all I’ve got to do is prep it.” Peter jerks off the bull.

 

[friedshrimp]

"you think that's bad? this is worse than the time I was recruited by ISIS"

*flashback to Peter in a tent with ISIS members*

Terrorist: So what are you capable of?

Peter: I can make dad noises.

*the two look at each other in silence for 25 minutes*

 

[SpergPatrol]

Peter: Hey Lois remember the time *insert pop culture reference or action* at *insert setting here*
*Insert cutaway here*
*Rinse and repeat for 20 years*
*Profit*

 

[Tragi-Chan]

Family Guy is a pretty good series, but I wish they’d give Seth McFarlane more creative freedom.

Oh, you meant jokes to be used in Family Guy.

 

[Mapo Tofu]

Peter: Lois remember when I turned black and the cop pulled me over
(Cop proceeds to shoot Peter)

 

[Ass eating cunt]

Lois: Peetah! Why did you put all of our savings to the stocks of Asylum films?!?
Peter: Don't worry honey, Quagmire said we would be rich in a fear months with their new movie release
Lois: Well what is the name of this so called masterpiece?
Peter: Well Quagmire said they would be remaking his favorite movie "Salo: the 120 days of sodomy"

 

[Somar]

Lois: Peter you did drop Stewie off at the doctors for his check up?
Peter: Yep ... Well sort of.
Lois: What do you mean sort of?
Peter: Well I forgot to pay the health insurance this month, so I took Stewie to a much cheaper doctor.
Lois: And what doctor did you bring him to exactly?
[Cuts to Stewie at Quahog Veterinarian talking to some random dog]
Stewie: You know my dog comes to this exact vet, you ever run into him?
Random Dog: Bark bark bark bark? Bark bark bark bark bark.
Stewie: What are you refering to him as female or the other thing?

 

[MG 620]

Brian vomits into Meg's open mouth, the licks up the vomit. Steve enters the room "well well well, Brian, it seems Meg is no longer a virgin!" - cut scene where Quagmire says "It's a German Kiss".

 

[OwO What's This?]

hey lois...

i DIDNT fart

Spoiler

This joke brought to you by Rian Johnson.

 

[Mapo Tofu]

Lois: Peetah! Why did you put all of our savings to the stocks of Asylum films?‽
Peter: Don't worry honey, Quagmire said we would be rich in a fear months with their new movie release
Lois: Well what is the name of this so called masterpiece?
Peter: Well Quagmire said they would be remaking his favorite movie "Salo: the 120 days of sodomy"

Okay that punchline is pretty funny.
Which is what Family Guy isn't

 

[Irwin M. Felcher]

this is just like the time I got classified as a hate symbol by the ADL

 

[Monsieur Guillotine]

Family Guy Writer #1: Oh shit, we wasted the entire week smoking weed and watching popular movies again!
Family Guy Writer #2: It's okay, we'll just do what we always do in these situations.
Family Guy Writer #1: And you think that'll work?

Later...

Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time I fought the giant chicken for 25 straight minutes?

 

[The Decimator]

Joke #1
Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time I hung out with George Takei?

(Cut to Peter and George Takei sitting on a bench)

George: Donald Trump is a rapist, now suck my cock!
Peter: You gotta beam me up, first!
George: Peter, I’m not the one who played Scotty.
(Peter farts for no reason)

Joke #2
Lois: Petah, why didn’t you take Brian out for a walk today?
Peter: Because Black Lives Matter were in the neighborhood.

(Cut to Peter and Brian walking down the street before coming across a BLM rally)

Peter: Hey, what’s going on?
Black guy #1: Da fuck are you talking about, whitey? We is Black Lives Matter, and we wuz kangz and sheeit.
Brian: You people are making a big fuss out of nothing. Need I remind you that black people are one of the biggest causes of crime in this country?
Black guy #2: RAYCISS!!!! GET DIS FOO OUTTA HERE!!!

Joke #3
Peter: This entire family is controlled by Jews, just like the media.

(Cut to two Jewish guys in an office)

Mr. Goldberg: Oy vey! The goyim know about our plot to control the media, Mr. Weinstein!
Harvey Weinstein: Don’t worry, Mr. Goldberg, it’s all been taken care of. We’ve sent out several fluff pieces which claim that our control is for the best. I mean, it’s not like any of us have been using our power to rape actresses, or anything.
Police officer: Harvey Weinstein, you’re under arrest for raping actresses!
Harvey Weinstein: Guess I spoke too soon.

 

[UnKillFill]

Peter: This is like the time I got three wishes from a Magic Johnson Lamp.
[Cut away to Peter rubbing a miniature oil lamp shaped like Magic Johnson]
Magic Johnson Lamp: You have AIDS now.