I've been trying to support my ex boyfriend through transitioning for the past 2 years. We broke up years ago, but stayed friends. He used to be a fit guy, working as a consultant, middle class upbringing. He was full of life, we had the craziest parties, we travelled everywhere, things were really great. We didn't work very well together as a couple in the household though, there were many arguments, and we decided to separate but stay friends.
2 years ago, he opened up to me about gender dysphoria and his wishes to transition. I've supported a couple of friends who transitioned before, and they went on to live happy lives after, no big deal.
He started off by DIY'ing hormones, I suggested against this and that he should see a therapist first. He DIY'ed anyway, and I have to give it to him, he did end up seeing a therapist!
Now though, he's 2 years into DIY'ing hormones and he still hasn't made the effort to actually transition. He doesn't really look like a guy anymore, he just looks like this awkward in-between. The reality is that he just needs to take care of himself, but he doesn't bother with basic grooming, he refuses to do his eyebrows because "its scary", he refuses to do anything but take hormones. Every time I suggest something minor, like hey maybe exfoliate, maybe pluck your bushy brows, he takes this as me bullying him into progress, and instead of taking these simple routine steps he creeps more and more into his shell.
He argues that I'm being pushy and offering no sympathy, but at the same time, he hasn't made ANY progress but instead he's regressed into being a shut-in who works from home for the past 2 years.
Recently, he tried to get insurance to cover FFS, facial surgery. The insurance requires that you've been medically transitioning for at least a year, have started your social transition and have your name and gender changed after approval from a psychologist. All reasonable requirements, and my other trans friends have never complained about these things. It seems to be a recurring theme with a certain type of trans person though that these are 'obstacles'. Somehow, he still has all his muscle tone, despite being on HRT for 2 years, he hasn't lost any weight, he hasn't done ANYTHING. Why on earth would you look towards FFS when this is something you A) dont need and B) arent ready for?
I feel like during the pandemic he drank the tranny kool-aid and thought it would be a way out of his problems. You see, he had always been unhappy with himself, he didn't like his career, he didn't like how "this is it". I always attributed this to his coddled upbringing, he's from a white middle class family, he went to a good university and just generally never had real challenges in life.
No matter what I say though, he vehemently defends his "passive" strategy, saying that it's comfortable for him. 2 months ago, I argued that he's underestimating transition and that his passive approach is proving to not work. For the first time, he told me that he's going to actively try to be better about this and that he'll try to make real progress. I told him that I would help him if needed. However, he hasn't been talking to me, he hasn't done anything apart from take a 2 week break at work because he needed "space". I told him that it was a good idea to take some time off, and suggested he should travel and do some real life things to clear his mind. In those 2 weeks, he completely cut contact with everyone he was still talking to and went on an adderall + alcohol gaming binge, flipping his sleep schedule around, and after those 2 weeks were over he told me he "changed" and that he doesn't want to hear me being pushy and offering no sympathy. Basically, he doubled down yet again.
I feel like this relates to him never having had a challenge, transitioning is the first real challenge in his life and instead of seeking help I think he just realized that he dug his head too deep into the sand with no way out anymore.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I lost someone I deeply loved, someone with an active lifestyle, loads of friends and a promising future. I don't recognize this person. I miss him so much, I just don't want to see him harming himself any further, I want him to either transition completely and live life as a happy woman, or live life as a happy man, not a shut-in troglodyte who hasn't seen the sun in 2 years. I know transitioning is possible for the few, for those who are actually transgender, but I feel like he isn't, I feel like this is just his own little midlife crisis and he realized he can't just cut his mantits off to undo it so instead he's becoming a uwu poly catgirl troon despite looking like Ron Jeremy.
