We had a fight last weekend about one of the biggest elephants in the room- an old online MTF friend of hers whose social media content I find concerning. She swore that she only interacted with him on non troon related content, but dude’s account is a good 85% troon or commie-troon shit. Unless she is specifically blacklisting tags like “transmisogyny,” she is constantly being bombarded by that crap on her dash even when swiftly scrolling. It is unavoidable and unmistakable. She did not outright call me a terf or a monster, but was extremely upset that I did not think he was good for her mental health.
I am more concerned at the moment, however, about how she been experiencing severe sleep deprivation on top of everything. It has been aggravated by her experiencing graphic nightmares (many of which appear to involve me meeting a nasty end). These distress her to the point that she wakes up screaming and wanting to make sure I am not hurt before trying to go back to more poor sleep.
When she’s gotten actual quality sleep, she is more her usual self. On the flipside, when she has gotten absolutely zero sleep she is more prone to panic attacks or paranoia. She needs that checked out too along with any possible non pozzed couples counseling we can get. That’s the hardest part for me- even in her worst state I can tell she still cares for me and wants the relationship to work. If she really hated me, she wouldn’t be that disturbed at the idea of me dying.
Both of our best and worst qualities is that we are stubborn souls. This past month and a half has been a real test in faith of us and each other. As long as I see her spark, we can endure this. I sense this weekend will be better. Must clear some air first (and get some good sleep).
Day by day.
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