Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

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After not having an actual coat for a while, Lucas is thinking of getting a real leather jacket. It will make him look like the Fonz, which all the fellow kids will think is cool. Size 3XL!


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Da Dude123 said:
After not having an actual coat for a while, Lucas is thinking of getting a real leather jacket. It will make him look like the Fonz, which all the fellow kids will think is cool. Size 3XL!


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Ah yes, more prime lucas logic

Instead of buying some actual clothes he needs he'll blow a bunch of money on a leather jacket to look like the fonz and hope to attract zoomer baes with it. During the summer no less. Morbidly obese lucas who already passed out in public from the heat and his kidneys once now thinks its a good idea to waddle around spokane unshowered and in a leather jacket. He'll smell like a texas slaughterhouse plus piss and onions within a day. I can also see him pairing the jacket with one of those tacky shirts and other tacky clothing

I can see it now..... lucas waddles out of mallon place and down the street wearing an animal cracker hawaiian shirt, batman pantaloons and a leather jacket, looking like he's less capable of picking clothes out than the average 8 year old. All half hunched over doing his usual sasquatch walk with his hands behind his back. Local kids will probably start calling him 'the leather jacket man' and warning each other to stay away from him lest they get dragged into the woods and eaten. Somehow I don't remember the fonz having such a fucked up sense of fashion. I guess lucas is taking from the later seasons and jumping the shark right from the start

If he wants a leather jacket so badly he shouldn't be wasting what little money he has. Second hand shops have them all the time. Shit i've got several from one of those places that were surprisingly high quality and none of them cost me more than $10. But no, thats not plenty good enough for lucas. Its actually not such a bad idea for him to have a cheap leather jacket for the rainy and windy weather the west coast can have but he'll spend an obscene amount on one to try to attract zoomer baes

I'll laugh my ass off if lucas blows a big chunk of his money on some expensive leather jacket and ends up picking a womans jacket without realizing it
 
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Telomere Savalas said:
Has our boy weighed in on the Bill Belicheck news?
https://www.tmz.com/2024/06/14/bill-belichick-dating-24-year-old-ex-cheerleader-jordon-hudson/
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Lucas would be big mad that its not him in this situation. Though I wouldn't put it past lucas to claim the guy stole his 'research' like all the other greybeards

Now, a thought experiment that will test the zoomer bae drive to live at any cost:

You are a zoomer bae that figured taking lucas up on his $100 for a date but insists on dragging you back to his fartbox first. Against your better judgement you go back with him for the easy money. Unfortunately lucas was in such a hurry to waddle out the door for his date he forgot he had a plate of cheesy cukes cooking in the toaster oven. Minutes after arriving at his mallon place fartbox the werns kitchen is on fire, quickly spreading through the farbox and blocking all the exists. You leave lucas to fend for himself as the room fills with smoke and run for the nearest room - which turns out to be the bathroom. You quickly run inside, lock the door and as you hear lucas coughing and gasping for air as the cheese and cucumber scented smoke overtakes him, you notice an emergency survival device in a box on the bathroom wall, put there by mallon place for safety reasons to keep tards alive in case of a fire, until firefighters can reach them:
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With no way out and smoke rapidly filling the room, you'll never last until the firefighters arrive unless you use it. You now have the most horrifying dilemma a zoomer bae can have. Do you accept your fate and let the smoke overwhelm you like it did to lucas, or do you do the unthinkable - use the breathing device. To do so you must place it in lucas's toilet, past the water in the bowl and into the buildings pipes to get whatever breathable oxygen you can get. Whats worse, you notice lucas's breakfast - what you assume was half a dozen extra cheesy tacos is still floating in the bowl after his morning shit

So, is it worth breathing through lucas's toilet, sucking in air from the same pipes that are coated in wern shit, or is letting the cheesy cuke smoke kill you a better fate?

Truly a horrifying choice to make for a big titted zoomer bae hoping to make an easy $100
 
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The I Scream Man said:
Every time I go to use DoorDash or GrubHub I end up driving down to pick the shit up myself rather than going through with the order, I just can't bring myself to do it
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UberEats works if and only if you use it so infrequently that they resort to spamming your inbox with slowly increasing deals.
Club Sandwich said:
didn't he have a video or he posted about how he didn't understand the purpose of underwear. i distinctly remember "to catch my shit???" being something he said. so either he goes commando and shits himself on the regular, or walks around with shit stained briefs frequently.
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I think the quote was "to catch my turds?"
Club Sandwich said:
likewise the toilet cannot flush for whatever reason,
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The reason is that Lucas clogged the toilet with his too cheesy diet and his frozen burritos.
 
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I don't think a gen Z would know what that device was for to begin with, what a horrifying invention.

But realistically if you're breathing in the air coming off of Lucas Werner it isn't much better than breathing in septic fumes anyways, and at least the toilet doesn't insist on talking cringe at you constantly so the whole process would almost certainly be a step up from the date itself.
 
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wernchicken.jpg

I usually don't eat lunch on my lunch break

In other words he didn't do that cause until he got paid for the first time he had no money to do so. Funny how he's leaving that part out. Always the manipulative liar

and of course lucas would eat 8 pieces of fried chicken and consider it lunch. Those sorts of things are intended as a family dinner and he brags about eating a whole one himself for lunch
 
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WonderWino said:
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I usually don't eat lunch on my lunch break

In other words he didn't do that cause until he got paid for the first time he had no money to do so. Funny how he's leaving that part out. Always the manipulative liar

and of course lucas would eat 8 pieces of fried chicken and consider it lunch. Those sorts of things are intended as a family dinner and he brags about eating a whole one himself for lunch
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You're probably right, he probably did not have the money to buy lunch before. And Lucas is too lazy and unmotivated to pack a sandwich or something like that.

This is further evidence that Lucas appears to be working in a grocery store or maybe Walmart or some sort of retail store. I am thinking this is hot food that the deli has. I don't remember ever seeing hot prepared food in Target. Walmart, Sam's Club, and plenty of grocery stores have hot fried chicken you can buy.

That is absolutely wild if Lucas was able to scarf down 8 pieces of fried chicken for lunch. That is a lot of food. I will say 8 pieces of fried chicken for under $5.00 is a huge bargain, though. I would buy it, if I saw it for that price. I could see buying it, having part of it for lunch and then bringing the rest home. But I bet Lucas ate all 8 pieces for lunch.

Can you imagine his co-workers seeing Lucas down all that fried chicken in the break room by himself with his crazy eyes going on? Lol! It would be funny if one of them Googles his name and goes down the rabbit hole.
 
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WonderWino said:
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I usually don't eat lunch on my lunch break

In other words he didn't do that cause until he got paid for the first time he had no money to do so. Funny how he's leaving that part out. Always the manipulative liar

and of course lucas would eat 8 pieces of fried chicken and consider it lunch. Those sorts of things are intended as a family dinner and he brags about eating a whole one himself for lunch
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"I usually don't eat lunch on my lunch break... I usually eat 3 dinners on my lunch break" - t. Lucas "gibsmemoarclinkerdaggers" Werner
 
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Fanatical Pragmatist said:
"I usually don't eat lunch on my lunch break... I usually eat 3 dinners on my lunch break" - t. Lucas "gibsmemoarclinkerdaggers" Werner
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Da Dude123 said:
That is absolutely wild if Lucas was able to scarf down 8 pieces of fried chicken for lunch. That is a lot of food.
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The best part is he pretty much confirmed he ate it all and that it really hit the spot
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Why am I not surprised. Brags about eating a dozen burritos, brags about eating 8 pieces of chicken for lunch. and he wonders why he's the size of a house and in poor health. If he keeps this up (and he will, he doesn't really have anything else to buy other than food, booze, drugs and clothing) he's going to put himself right back in the hospital and fuck his kidneys up again

Da Dude123 said:
This is further evidence that Lucas appears to be working in a grocery store or maybe Walmart or some sort of retail store. I am thinking this is hot food that the deli has. I don't remember ever seeing hot prepared food in Target. Walmart, Sam's Club, and plenty of grocery stores have hot fried chicken you can buy.
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Yeah it definitely sounds like he works in a grocery store type of place with a deli. I know a few walmarts do have them but its pretty rare and I don't think spokane would have one. But yeah that definitely looks like the kind of thing you'd get in a store deli. I'm not all that surprised at the price, you can get really good deals on some stuff at the deli depending on the place and if you time it right. Back when I was living on the east coast I could go to superstore or sobeys on wednesdays or fridays close to closing time or before major holidays when the store would be closed the next day or two and could buy a whole roasted chicken ready to eat at half price, for $6. Its one of those things the companies do to try to attract customers, kind of like costco with the really cheap hot dogs. They also had large buckets of chicken wings with potato wedges for like $20. Funny thing is I could absolutely see lucas buying a whole bucket like that for lunch, and carrying it around with him while working

I suspect sooner or later lucas is going to out his job location bragging about his food like that and dropping accidental hints. Even not having done that yet he's narrowing it down quite a bit as there aren't that many places he could be working at with his job and being able to access an in store deli

I'm also surprised he has a lunch break at all considering he's part time and likely only works a few hours per shift
 
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Oh my God wed need to get Wern into that playing card shirt as soon as his next paycheck hits.

Next step talk him into thinking the alphas and zoomies just LOVE Kenny Rogers. Wern waddling around in that shirt that's turning tan from sweat "I'm da gambla" his unplugged in headphones wire hanging loose as he walks by teen girls singing "you gotta know when to hold em know when to fold em"

Lucas buying scratch off tickets sipping energy drinks all door dashed to him at the rest home trying to explain the science of gambling and how the cards are printed wrong since he hasn't won.

Wern trying to be a "cool river boat era gambler" even watching the fat faggot trying to shuffle a deck as pilled up as he is either got numb hands, tremors or the beetus has killed his nerves and can't move em fast enough to shuffle.

I don't think we will see this arc but, God damn it I'm allowed to dream.

Im actually almost shocked as buying some new clothes is near adult behavior. Granted he claims he wants to and then we saw he blew his money on food. Typical Wern.
 
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Bassomatic said:
Oh my God wed need to get Wern into that playing card shirt as soon as his next paycheck hits.

Next step talk him into thinking the alphas and zoomies just LOVE Kenny Rogers. Wern waddling around in that shirt that's turning tan from sweat "I'm da gambla" his unplugged in headphones wire hanging loose as he walks by teen girls singing "you gotta know when to hold em know when to fold em"

Lucas buying scratch off tickets sipping energy drinks all door dashed to him at the rest home trying to explain the science of gambling and how the cards are printed wrong since he hasn't won.

Wern trying to be a "cool river boat era gambler" even watching the fat faggot trying to shuffle a deck as pilled up as he is either got numb hands, tremors or the beetus has killed his nerves and can't move em fast enough to shuffle.

I don't think we will see this arc but, God damn it I'm allowed to dream.

Im actually almost shocked as buying some new clothes is near adult behavior. Granted he claims he wants to and then we saw he blew his money on food. Typical Wern.
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Kenny rogers wern would be best wern. I can absolutely see him shirtless in bed stuffing himself with kenny rogers fried chicken as well like kramer
This also probably isn't too far off from what he looked like in the breakroom eating all that chicken at lunch today come to think of it

As for gambler wern..... that would be the perfect shirt for it. We even have a version of the gambler written for lucas for just this kind of scenario. If he did another singing attempt and made it of that it would be fucking hilarious

Lucas should be told all the zoomer baes love an older man who dresses in card shirts and knows how to play faro. I'd go with poker but lucas is so stupid he'd be one of those people who tries to bluff by betting big and then taking 4 cards, immediately making it clear he's bluffing and has nothing. Plus few people play it anymore and for lucas it would be even more complicated to understand than poker

Either that or get him to take up bridge. I can just see lucas over in the day room at mallon place playing bridge with a bunch of seniors with jamie as his partner, thinking he's going to impress the zoomer nurses. Lucas trying to learn bridge would be a hilarious sight to see. He'd fuck it up, never figure it out and then go and try to make some bizarre game based off it with his usual insanity thrown in and think he's a genius doing it

Speaking of which, funny how he hasn't said anything about his AI robot art card game has been coming along lately

Big Nasty said:
Isn't that the "toilet bong" image?
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No, popped up on facebook awhile back as some stupid emergency survival device some idiot came up with in 1981 to keep apartment dwellers alive during fires long enough for firefighters to find them. Unsurprisingly it never caught on
 
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