Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[Stafford Beer Bong]

"Now gen z will date me. #videogames."

Something a 45 year old widower would sarcastically post while messing with his kid's DS after he just updated his profile in a "40+ widows & widowers" dating group, posted by Lucas without a hint of insincerity.

This is one of the most consistent points about the Wern; that women are a box to be unlocked, or a code to be deciphered. If you say, behave or act in just the right way or in the right order, that it opens the magic box to access poonaner. He will never understand that women are people and there is no magic ritual to getting them in the sack. It goes to show he doesn’t view women as human. They are property to possess with some mysterious code he can’t figure out or access. Or even better, $$$=poon so capitalism is to blame. His brain really does operate on a caveman level of logic.

 

[GleamingTheQ-Bert]

A pig pouts under a pig.

And he's back to begging for a #wingman

 

[Da Dude123]

Lucas definitely believes there is a Konami code to get the zoomer poonaner. He is quite hopeful that the Nintendo DS will be it and all the women from Generation Socialist will look past the face that he has no job, money, car, hot tub and will flock to him because he has an old hand held gaming system. That is how autistic he is.

This is one of the most consistent points about the Wern; that women are a box to be unlocked, or a code to be deciphered. If you say, behave or act in just the right way or in the right order, that it opens the magic box to access poonaner. He will never understand that women are people and there is no magic ritual to getting them in the sack. It goes to show he doesn’t view women as human. They are property to possess with some mysterious code he can’t figure out or access. Or even better, $$$=poon so capitalism is to blame. His brain really does operate on a caveman level of logic.

 

[Wernology]

I decided, since Rush already part of my Adobe subscriptions anyway (and I piss that $10/month away primarily on taking videos of my pets or wildlife doing dumb shit), to see if I could make his videos a little less godawful in terms of wind noise and sudden shifts in volume (and remove some of the bathroom echo as well) because, especially when he's outside when it's windy, it's hard to hear him so he shouts, which makes it worse.

It's somehow funnier to remove the large portion of the background noise so it looks like he's just shouting to shout as opposed to shouting to be heard over wind and traffic.

Anyway, here's one:

 

[A Big Bumbling Black Man]

Anyway, here's one:

"I was told to look at Big Brain Academy"
"I played this! This is fun!" (self-exposed lie)
"It's like a smart. . . game. . ."
As he mashes the X button while the touch screen says TOUCH on it.
And then he tries tapping the top screen as if it's a touch screen too.
Ah man, if only he was competent enough to get to a gameplay section.

 

[WonderWino]

This is one of the most consistent points about the Wern; that women are a box to be unlocked, or a code to be deciphered. If you say, behave or act in just the right way or in the right order, that it opens the magic box to access poonaner. He will never understand that women are people and there is no magic ritual to getting them in the sack. It goes to show he doesn’t view women as human. They are property to possess with some mysterious code he can’t figure out or access. Or even better, $$$=poon so capitalism is to blame. His brain really does operate on a caveman level of logic.

When I read that the first thing that came to mind was lucas trying to unlock the lament configuration to find a woman

He also reminds me of an npc in SWTOR - if you're republic faction theres a nautolan npc on coruscant that tries to get you to go find his girlfriend that he thinks was kidnapped by some gang and when you find her it was all bs to get away from him for being a controlling wackjob that treated her like property...so when you go back to him he flips out and starts going on about 'what will he do without her' and 'shes my most valuable possession'

It really reminds me of the way lucas thinks

EDIT: found it

Now tell me that doesn't remind you of lucas's mentality

 

[mothman96]

Lucas definitely believes there is a Konami code to get the zoomer poonaner. He is quite hopeful that the Nintendo DS will be it and all the women from Generation Socialist will look past the face that he has no job, money, car, hot tub and will flock to him because he has an old hand held gaming system. That is how autistic he is.

Maybe that's why he's attached himself so much to Goldaor. Lucas is hoping Goldoar will give him the "code" to getting himself a 12 yr old looking girlfriend.

 

[WonderWino]

Maybe that's why he's attached himself so much to Goldaor. Lucas is hoping Goldoar will give him the "code" to getting himself a 12 yr old looking girlfriend.

and when he tries the 'code' and it doesn't work he won't realize he is being trolled and will do a 180 and claimed he never wanted to do such a thing. Expect lucas to utter such classic phrases as:

'I do not avoid zoomers goldaor, I simply deny them my essence'

and

'Zooners sense my strong DNA and are drawn to my essence'

as his coping mechanism and an attempt to sound intelligent and thoughtful

 

[Krathnami]

Lucas has been getting really boring lately, so I've not been so active on the farms, but luckily we're rewarded with a whole new saga. I'd wondered how long it would take before someone would try and get him on their podcast to score some clout. It got people listening, didn't it? I was hoping we'd get an epic chimp-out, and we still may, but I'm wondering what the long game is here and how long until he realizes his guy is just using him and the situation blows up.

Also, anyone else care to place bets on how long he's able to hold onto that DS before another hobo steals it and pawns it?

 

[Wernology]

Lucas has been getting really boring lately, so I've not been so active on the farms, but luckily we're rewarded with a whole new saga. I'd wondered how long it would take before someone would try and get him on their podcast to score some clout. It got people listening, didn't it? I was hoping we'd get an epic chimp-out, and we still may, but I'm wondering what the long game is here and how long until he realizes his guy is just using him and the situation blows up.

Also, anyone else care to place bets on how long he's able to hold onto that DS before another hobo steals it and pawns it?

Or until he realizes it won't get him Zoomer chicks because it looks like a DS Lite.

 

[Rescuetoast]

He can get all of $0.01 for it at GameStop!

 

[Patchwork Ragdoll]

It will be lost, broken, or stolen within a week. But he might surprise me, he manages to hold on to his phone somehow.

 

[WonderWino]

He will probably accidentally drop it in the toilet after he takes a shit and destroy it and tries to stand up. Its exactly the kind of thing he would do

 

[BowlOfDick]

When I read that the first thing that came to mind was lucas trying to unlock the lament configuration to find a woman

There’s actually a Hellraiser comic about a pedophile in a mental hospital and gaining entry to a little girl’s room was his ‘puzzle’ to solve before he was dragged to hell.

I could imagine Lukey, his skin stretched by barbed hooks, facing eternal agony beyond imagination while screaming “youuuu bigottttts!!!”

 

[GleamingTheQ-Bert]

There’s actually a Hellraiser comic about a pedophile in a mental hospital and gaining entry to a little girl’s room was his ‘puzzle’ to solve before he was dragged to hell.

I could imagine Lukey, his skin stretched by barbed hooks, facing eternal agony beyond imagination while screaming “youuuu bigottttts!!!”

Lucas would be cleaner as a cenobite.

At least Pinhead could make him cut that hair.

 

[teleméres69]

So Lucas just uploaded a video of himself crying because it's not in the cards for him to get a teen girlfriend. I suspect this is the once a year brief moment of lucidity, that'll shortly be overridden by his narcissism. Please post more crying videos Lucas, it's really funny seeing how much of a big man you are when you've finished huffing and puffing at your phone

 

[King Daddy Telomerase]

The DS Lite battery is probably barely hanging on after years of use and Lucas can't regularly use an AC adapter. My guess is Lucas will quickly complain it doesn't work and Goldorf is a bad dude until he gives Lucas more shit.

 

[wenttobermuda]

So Lucas just uploaded a video of himself crying because it's not in the cards for him to get a teen girlfriend. I suspect this is the once a year brief moment of lucidity, that'll shortly be overridden by his narcissism. Please post more crying videos Lucas, it's really funny seeing how much of a big man you are when you've finished huffing and puffing at your phone

Tfw no Zoomer Bae

 

[Patchwork Ragdoll]

Luke can't find a fuck-mommy and he's going to cry about it, because women find doughy, balding, crybabies so attractive. Honestly the tears don't even seem sincere to me, he's just trying to manipulate a chick on to his micro dick.

 

[Da Dude123]

The fatty is posting more stupid memes! Bring forth the vagina!