GoutfootHorseface
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2020
Last edited by a moderator:
Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks
- Thread starter SpacePanther
- Start date
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2019
The insanity from earlier today.
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2019
What is he rambling about in the first video? You need to stay somewhat coherent for us, Lucas.
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2020
He mentions murdering his father for financial gain, then complains about greed. 
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2013
I lol'd at the "King Roy deserves grandchildren line!" He's presumably talking about his father, and how fertile Baes ought to take Lucas's rotten seed, because his daddy is a great guy. This is no worse, or weirder, than any of his other pick up lines.
Interesting, but not unexpected, to learn that Lucas's mother is a "liberal Christian." It helps put his highly idiosyncratic and confused atheism in perspective. He's ranting about what he knows: liberal Christian women that he believes ought to give him what he wants.
Interesting, but not unexpected, to learn that Lucas's mother is a "liberal Christian." It helps put his highly idiosyncratic and confused atheism in perspective. He's ranting about what he knows: liberal Christian women that he believes ought to give him what he wants.
WonderWino
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2019
So lucas, you love cows? Well we've all seen this before.....
That said after seeing this video its no bloody wonder hes getting scared away from the rest of spokane by the other hobos. That behavior is going to get him a serious beating sooner or later. Someone is bound to overhear him and take it the wrong way at some point and make a point of making an issue of it
and god help him if he ever goes to jail again and starts pulling shit like that. He's loud, disrespectful and doesn't bathe and to top it all off is a pedo. He is literally everything prisoners despise the most. His ass wouldn't last a week unless he got himself put in protective custody or solitary
and LOL at him thinking his parents are rich, and claiming the property they have proves it. ffs its a shit property and only worth a small amount because of the area its in. Like everything else, lucas has no understanding of property values or the fundamental golden rule any realtor will tell him: its all about location
GoutfootHorseface
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2020
The world: get a job
Lucas: send me money via Patreon or vinmo this is a job, I’m a comedian.
Lucas: send me money via Patreon or vinmo this is a job, I’m a comedian.
Last edited by a moderator:
Czolg
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2017
Lucas, you're repulsive, ugly, fat, sick, virtually a virgin, ill mannered, jobless, homeless and even your own family don't want to have anything to do with you. The only funny thing about you is watching your misadventures, but people are laughing at you, not with you or because of you.
You're not comedian, you're clown at best.
You're not comedian, you're clown at best.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2013
I am fascinated by the art Lucas produces. Not because it is bad, though it is, but because it is sick. From his raps, to his doggerel, Lucas's creativity is a strange window into his diseased mind. Ever wonder what a madman fantasizes about, or a schizo dreams of? I do, and so I am one of the very few autists who reads Lucas's poems and listen to his "music."
On his art, Lucas has said:
Lucas wrote a book sometime around 2017-2018, entitled Wound; 400 odd hand written pages scribbled in the kind of composition books that they pass out in psych wards. What we know of this book comes from a series of YouTube videos where Lucas haltingly reads it. I consider the physical copy of the book to be a great artifact of Wernology, and I would kill to obtain it.
I had a long drive, and decided to put Wound on, to see what kind of story Lucas has to tell.
Wound is a "clockpunk alternate history," which means a Utopian Werner fantasy set in the 13th century with "hand cranked" technology that is equivalent to, or superior to, our own. Everything looks medieval, though there are some villainous types who wear flatbill hats.
France is essentially a direct democracy and a monarchy that Lucas calls a "royal cooperative," a strange and inexplicable state that is ruled by elected (yet hereditary) royals who are essentially celebrities. People are rational, wealth is not hoarded, and education is free. There is an internet, ubiquitous and free, single payer health care, and loads of dudes who produce the power to fuel this world by turning cranks. Food is plentiful and inexpensive. Jobs are not necessary.
Everybody knows about telomeres. On one memorable occasion, Lucas calls them "sweet, naturally aged telomeres" that young women gorge their wombs with.
Lucas devotes most of the book to simple, declarative exposition, a kind of direct and dull world building. No characters appear, little history is given, nothing happens, but we learn a lot about the meal plans of unnamed clockpunk Martian astronauts, and the exact dimensions of castles.
Wound is unmistakably the work of Lucas Werner. We learn very early that in this idealized world women begin dating at 16, and men at 35, which is also the average age of marriage. Sex with males under 35 has been forbidden by law for years, considered a kind of telomeres depleting incest. Lucas spares no effort to stress that older men pair off with younger women.
There are weekly public dances that allow older men and young women to mingle and meet. The dances are specifically meant to introduce women who are at least 16 to men who are no less than 35. Accordingly, only women 16-25, and men 35+ may attend. He calls them "mating dances to find a spouse and have children one day." There are 2 women for every men, to ensure mating success for the guys.
Dance goers purchase inexpensive food with foodcards, boogie to rock and roll played on harpsichords that resembles White Zombie (not an awful rap cognate that bad guys listen to), and have a great time for 6 hours. Women past 25 may not marry or have kids. They may not dance! At these dances, no women "hook up with douche baggy clones." Men often dance with two girls at a time, and may use a "two sided die" to select their dance partners. After the dance, it is customary for new couples to go out to dinner on Saturday. Men always pay for the first date, and women for the second.
These autistically detailed weekly mating dances call to mind Lucas's great interest in "sock hop dances" where soda is served. He worked on a board game about them once.
We learn that the Queen Beatrice is 19 and King Reginald is 39, which according to Lucas is "average," and they met at a Friday dance. The Queen is also a student at a local community college. And a senator. And an aspiring RN. King Reginald, a great scientist, even called the King of Science, has a high school degree.
The King is immediately recognizable as an author insert, a particularly dull Mary Sue. The world is immediately recognizable as one that Lucas would like to live in.
Anyway, because old men fuck young women and optimize the human race, there was no Jesus, and everyone likes science, everything is very advanced for the 13th century.
Lucas thinks it's important to stress that women are often billionaires, and tend to be shy and susceptible to the charms of extroverted men.
The plot, such as it is, emerges slowly and haltingly from the mass of boring exposition: France is sending a spaceship to Mars. Why this matters is not clear. But would you care learn that every action of the astronauts is essentially streamed to earth? Astronauts Esteban, aged 28, and Meredith, 70 something, are guaranteed not to fuck due to their age difference. And would it interest you to learn that there are some flatbill wearing jerks, called Scapegoats, who gossip and leave negative restaurant reviews?
No?
I lack the interest, or the fortitude, to continue with Wound. There's little entertainment in it, just a disorienting glimpse into the private fantasies of one obsessive weirdo who lacks the skill to translate his fixations into something compelling.
The point isn't that Wound is bad, or awful to listen to. It conforms to expectations. In it, Lucas has broadcasted his fantasies and fixations to a disinterested world that he'll never find a place in.
On his art, Lucas has said:
Lucas wrote a book sometime around 2017-2018, entitled Wound; 400 odd hand written pages scribbled in the kind of composition books that they pass out in psych wards. What we know of this book comes from a series of YouTube videos where Lucas haltingly reads it. I consider the physical copy of the book to be a great artifact of Wernology, and I would kill to obtain it.
I had a long drive, and decided to put Wound on, to see what kind of story Lucas has to tell.
Wound is a "clockpunk alternate history," which means a Utopian Werner fantasy set in the 13th century with "hand cranked" technology that is equivalent to, or superior to, our own. Everything looks medieval, though there are some villainous types who wear flatbill hats.
France is essentially a direct democracy and a monarchy that Lucas calls a "royal cooperative," a strange and inexplicable state that is ruled by elected (yet hereditary) royals who are essentially celebrities. People are rational, wealth is not hoarded, and education is free. There is an internet, ubiquitous and free, single payer health care, and loads of dudes who produce the power to fuel this world by turning cranks. Food is plentiful and inexpensive. Jobs are not necessary.
Everybody knows about telomeres. On one memorable occasion, Lucas calls them "sweet, naturally aged telomeres" that young women gorge their wombs with.
Lucas devotes most of the book to simple, declarative exposition, a kind of direct and dull world building. No characters appear, little history is given, nothing happens, but we learn a lot about the meal plans of unnamed clockpunk Martian astronauts, and the exact dimensions of castles.
Wound is unmistakably the work of Lucas Werner. We learn very early that in this idealized world women begin dating at 16, and men at 35, which is also the average age of marriage. Sex with males under 35 has been forbidden by law for years, considered a kind of telomeres depleting incest. Lucas spares no effort to stress that older men pair off with younger women.
There are weekly public dances that allow older men and young women to mingle and meet. The dances are specifically meant to introduce women who are at least 16 to men who are no less than 35. Accordingly, only women 16-25, and men 35+ may attend. He calls them "mating dances to find a spouse and have children one day." There are 2 women for every men, to ensure mating success for the guys.
Dance goers purchase inexpensive food with foodcards, boogie to rock and roll played on harpsichords that resembles White Zombie (not an awful rap cognate that bad guys listen to), and have a great time for 6 hours. Women past 25 may not marry or have kids. They may not dance! At these dances, no women "hook up with douche baggy clones." Men often dance with two girls at a time, and may use a "two sided die" to select their dance partners. After the dance, it is customary for new couples to go out to dinner on Saturday. Men always pay for the first date, and women for the second.
These autistically detailed weekly mating dances call to mind Lucas's great interest in "sock hop dances" where soda is served. He worked on a board game about them once.
We learn that the Queen Beatrice is 19 and King Reginald is 39, which according to Lucas is "average," and they met at a Friday dance. The Queen is also a student at a local community college. And a senator. And an aspiring RN. King Reginald, a great scientist, even called the King of Science, has a high school degree.
The King is immediately recognizable as an author insert, a particularly dull Mary Sue. The world is immediately recognizable as one that Lucas would like to live in.
Anyway, because old men fuck young women and optimize the human race, there was no Jesus, and everyone likes science, everything is very advanced for the 13th century.
Lucas thinks it's important to stress that women are often billionaires, and tend to be shy and susceptible to the charms of extroverted men.
The plot, such as it is, emerges slowly and haltingly from the mass of boring exposition: France is sending a spaceship to Mars. Why this matters is not clear. But would you care learn that every action of the astronauts is essentially streamed to earth? Astronauts Esteban, aged 28, and Meredith, 70 something, are guaranteed not to fuck due to their age difference. And would it interest you to learn that there are some flatbill wearing jerks, called Scapegoats, who gossip and leave negative restaurant reviews?
No?
I lack the interest, or the fortitude, to continue with Wound. There's little entertainment in it, just a disorienting glimpse into the private fantasies of one obsessive weirdo who lacks the skill to translate his fixations into something compelling.
The point isn't that Wound is bad, or awful to listen to. It conforms to expectations. In it, Lucas has broadcasted his fantasies and fixations to a disinterested world that he'll never find a place in.
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2020
We should take up a Kiwi Farms collection and raise money to make a large, one-time donation to his patreon and then he'll lose his disability income.
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2015
I always greatly enjoy your posts in this thread, you have a very witty and understated way of pointing out the most ridiculous aspect of Lucas's output.
It's funny, but whenever I hear the title of his opus I always think that it's wound like what a knife makes, not wound like what you do with a clock. At first I thought Lucas was intending Double entendre, that he was suggesting that this clock wound world was somehow coming to fruition through exposure of his wound, but then I woke up and realized that was altogether too sophisticated for anything produced by Lukas Colby Werner.
I too lost interest in wound rather quickly, because as you said it seemed to be an autistic listing of details rather than an actual plot.
I don't think I actually made it to any of the actual listed characters, such as they are.
I've often wondered if Lucas's cyclical bloviating is indicative of his schizotypal condition, or whether that's his uniquely pathetic mind that just recycled the same three or four thoughts over and over again: Bernie Sanders, young women, fraught politics, money bad except when I have it or can show off my possessions.
As much as Lucas can be exhausting because of how incredibly repetitive he is and how none of his thoughts progress to any sort of epiphany or understanding of his own condition, despite the fact that all he does is navel gaze, what ultimately puts me off of his content from time to time is how thoroughly obnoxious he is.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2019
A few more from this afternoon.
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2019
Lucas will probably incriminate himself soon to threaten his SSI. He's now saying he has $2000 saved up along with bragging about his "rich" daddy leaving him a half mil or whatever. One slip up with the many people that hate Lucas and would narc him, he really needs to shut up about money.
Trainwreck
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2017
I love how he assumes his parents are going to leave him anything when they die. How utterly arrogant he is is honestly quite fascinating. I'd take a good bet that he has already been written out of their wills. I mean, they aren't/can't help him when they are living, they sure as fuck wont help him when they are dead.
FYI guys, Lucas is going to get even more weathered looking. It's going to be mid-high 80s this weekend. I really, really an hoping he keeps his fucking shirt on and all the way buttoned up. We don't need to see those titties flopping.
FYI guys, Lucas is going to get even more weathered looking. It's going to be mid-high 80s this weekend. I really, really an hoping he keeps his fucking shirt on and all the way buttoned up. We don't need to see those titties flopping.
WonderWino
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2019
Hmmmmm.......
Lucas specifically says here that his parents have no grandchildren and that they deserve them. How exactly is that even possible when he has at least one niece that he has acted creepy toward? That requires one of his siblings to have had children which means his parents must be grandparents. It shows how he is willing to lie and say literally anything he thinks will get him what he wants, even when directly contradictory to other things he has said multiple times
Also the best part of wound wasn't mentioned: the fact that people have tvs powered by horses
That said, holy shit, freud would have a field day with that book and how it describes lucas's ultimate fantasy. Funny how he didn't bring that shit up for writing assignments in college. He probably has just enough sense to know him talking about 35+ year old men 'dating' 16 year olds wouldn't go over very well with the teacher in any college class
Also if anyone is wondering why he set wound in that particular time period i'll just remind everyone that the average age of marriage and popping out kids was around 12 - 13 at the time. Read into that what you will. Lucas implied more about what he wants than he intended to with that aspect of the setting
Last edited:
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2013
My life is pointless.
Eta: Lucas quotes
Why don't I put a bullet in my head?
Lucas has been clear that his niece is actually a step niece, and it would not technically be incest if he were to ball her. His step father must have a child from a previous marriage.
Eta: Lucas quotes
Why don't I put a bullet in my head?
In Wound, electricity is produced by horses walking on tracks, and goobers turning cranks for hours at time, so 35+ year old men can watch TV.
Lucas has been clear that his niece is actually a step niece, and it would not technically be incest if he were to ball her. His step father must have a child from a previous marriage.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2020
I actually made a short video calling him out about his "inheritance" and blatantly telling him that IF his parents leave him anything, it will likely be in a trust and controlled by one of his siblings.
LeeLoo
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2020
Come on Princess, how hot is that?! A big disease ridden walking nightmare who has a curfew of 6pm at the homeless shelter, and no control over his imaginary inheritance.
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2019
Interestingly, people got married surprisingly late in the Middle Ages. Pervs like Lucas have spread about the idea that in the idealized past women were sold off for marriage as soon as they hit puberty, but even illiterate medieval peasants knew young teens generally shouldn't be getting married. I think this is worth mentioning since it's a common pedo/ephebophile talking point.
Indeed, Medieval England saw marriage age as variable depending on economic circumstances, with couples delaying marriage until the early twenties when times were bad and the average age falling to the late teens after the Black Death, when there were labor shortages;[35] by appearances, marriage of adolescents was not the norm in England.[13]
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2019
I love his angle that he is a comedian so you should send him money because that’s his job. Frankly, I would pay to see Lucas on stage at an open mic night doing 5 minutes of material. Could you imagine walking into a club and hearing Lucas basically doing what he does on these videos in front of an audience? The crowd would go from confused laughter to abject horror when they finally caught on that it‘s not an act. 