Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

If Lucas is dead, I hope his corpse is making that face from your user icon.

Come on now, if lucas turned out to be dead he'd be found bloated in a river under a bridge somewhere looking like this

lucas1.jpg


As the decomposition and MRSA infection took over his bloated obese corpse
 
When Lucas dies, who'll write his obituary?

Who'll read it?

I'd like to volunteer. I'll get one ready so that I can post it moments after his death is confirmed. My tentative title: Crazy Fat Faggot Dies Childless and Alone.

He hasn't been arrested, seen wandering in Spokane, or confirmed on the HoC roster. Indications are he doesn't have access to a phone, though whether this is because he's in a psych hospital, or Isaac jacked him, is unclear.

While it is a shame that there hasn't been any new Grape Smash content, Lucas has left us a robust body of work to keep us occupied.

I've been nostalgic for medicated Lucas. This is a fine example of Lucas at peak mental health:


Notice that his main symptoms are "depression and anger" which he attributes to Gen Z's refusal to date him.

And Lucas's triumphant return from his most recent hospitalization:

 
When Lucas dies, who'll write his obituary?

Who'll read it?

I'd like to volunteer. I'll get one ready so that I can post it moments after his death is confirmed. My tentative title: Crazy Fat Faggot Dies Childless and Alone.

He hasn't been arrested, seen wandering in Spokane, or confirmed on the HoC roster. Indications are he doesn't have access to a phone, though whether this is because he's in a psych hospital, or Isaac jacked him, is unclear.

While it is a shame that there hasn't been any new Grape Smash content, Lucas has left us a robust body of work to keep us occupied.

I've been nostalgic for medicated Lucas. This is a fine example of Lucas at peak mental health:


Notice that his main symptoms are "depression and anger" which he attributes to Gen Z's refusal to date him.

And Lucas's triumphant return from his most recent hospitalization:


His telomeres attrited
The research uncited
He swooned for your kids
With repeated absurd bids
Of a child of promise
Only found in biblical sonnets
His seed would be strong
We all knew he was wrong
Diabetes, schizophrenia and mrsa
Funds always lacking from his purse
Accusations of bigotry and phobe
Not remotely, you disgusting fat globe
Perhaps in the next life it won't be so hard
For in this life, it was not in the cards
 
When Lucas dies, who'll write his obituary?

Who'll read it?

I'd like to volunteer. I'll get one ready so that I can post it moments after his death is confirmed. My tentative title: Crazy Fat Faggot Dies Childless and Alone.

He hasn't been arrested, seen wandering in Spokane, or confirmed on the HoC roster. Indications are he doesn't have access to a phone, though whether this is because he's in a psych hospital, or Isaac jacked him, is unclear.

While it is a shame that there hasn't been any new Grape Smash content, Lucas has left us a robust body of work to keep us occupied.

I've been nostalgic for medicated Lucas. This is a fine example of Lucas at peak mental health:


Notice that his main symptoms are "depression and anger" which he attributes to Gen Z's refusal to date him.

And Lucas's triumphant return from his most recent hospitalization:



How the fuck has this fat faggot not know how to tell time on an analog watch? He's well older than me, and somehow not know how to read a watch, I learned it in like 1st grade
 
Not being able to read an analog clock is a sign of dementia. Makes me wonder if his trouble reading a wristwatch is a sign of whatever dysfunction is cooking in his noggin.
How old is he by now? Because while early onset dementia tends to be more frequent in schizos one would think he just isn't quite old enough yet. But who tf knows.
 
Not being able to read an analog clock is a sign of dementia. Makes me wonder if his trouble reading a wristwatch is a sign of whatever dysfunction is cooking in his noggin.
It’s also a sign of being a fat fucking idiot, tbh. Lucas thinks the world needs to physically bring him a girlfriend to impregnate. He probably thinks analog clocks need to tell him the time out loud because his eyeballs can’t be arsed to look at where the hands are pointing, and that’s the clock’s problem, not his.
 
Lolol!

Fat, medicated Lucas kinda looks like Neumann from Seinfeld!

Someone in the comments said he looks like he's going to smuggle dinosaur DNA in a Barbasol can

so yeah, he does resemble Wayne Knight at 38

How old is he by now?
He was born in November 1979, so he'll be 41 in about two and a half months
 
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While considering the topic "why does Lucas rely on food so much in his courtship quest" I came across this gem:


Lucas earnestly believes that women who date all either: a) want free food, or b) want babies.

Lucas wants the baes to know he's ready to provide them with both.

His meals-for-poonaner fixation is at least partly attributable to his misunderstanding over what women want in a date, or mate: french fries. He apparently came to this conclusion after a Google search. Perhaps he read that some women use Tinder to get free meals (often from schmucks they have no desire to have sex with) and thought "I can offer meals! My dating future is assured!"
 
While considering the topic "why does Lucas rely on food so much in his courtship quest" I came across this gem:


Lucas earnestly believes that women who date all either: a) want free food, or b) want babies.

Lucas wants the baes to know he's ready to provide them with both.

His meals-for-poonaner fixation is at least partly attributable to his misunderstanding over what women want in a date, or mate: french fries. He apparently came to this conclusion after a Google search. Perhaps he read that some women use Tinder to get free meals (often from schmucks they have no desire to have sex with) and thought "I can offer meals! My dating future is assured!"

On that note, how long will it be before his scrambled brain tries to combine the idea of food and kids in a literal manner and starts driving him to leave these lying around random places in spokane with notes:

meat.jpg
 
Sorry, busy and I have been slacking here. With all but two disappearances with single nights out, Lucas has still been at HOC. If he was hanging around with the junkies at People's Park, it is guaranteed he got his phone--and anything else of value --stolen from him.

On another note, I did see him walking with a new friend--rough looking guy wearing a glow and the dark "Purge" movie mask backwards on the side of his head. So Lucas, just like with catfishes, falls for new friends hoping they will find him girls but instead just take advantage of him, over and over and over..
 
Sorry, busy and I have been slacking here. With all but two disappearances with single nights out, Lucas has still been at HOC. If he was hanging around with the junkies at People's Park, it is guaranteed he got his phone--and anything else of value --stolen from him.

On another note, I did see him walking with a new friend--rough looking guy wearing a glow and the dark "Purge" movie mask backwards on the side of his head. So Lucas, just like with catfishes, falls for new friends hoping they will find him girls but instead just take advantage of him, over and over and over..

Well so much for my “Lucas is dead” theory, it’s good to have confirmation that we’ll get new content eventually. That being said with the way he runs his mouth, I’m sure those junkies will know he gets his tugboat on the first of the month and is loaded up with a new phone and possibly cash, so I could see more of these incidents occurring in the future.
 
Sorry, busy and I have been slacking here. With all but two disappearances with single nights out, Lucas has still been at HOC. If he was hanging around with the junkies at People's Park, it is guaranteed he got his phone--and anything else of value --stolen from him.

On another note, I did see him walking with a new friend--rough looking guy wearing a glow and the dark "Purge" movie mask backwards on the side of his head. So Lucas, just like with catfishes, falls for new friends hoping they will find him girls but instead just take advantage of him, over and over and over..

Jesus, lucas sure knows how to pick his 'friends.' How he could possibly think someone walking around with a mask on their head like that would be a useful tool to attract a zoomer bae is beyond me. Its like he invents nonsensical stereotypes that attract women in his head, to convince himself it'll work and then projects that delusion onto someone else whenever he meets a particular person. But yeah, if hes skulking around places like that its no wonder he lost his phone, He's lucky he hasn't been outright robbed by now. Even with his fairly passive demeanor around others I could still see him losing his shit on a mugger if they were trying to get what little cash he gets away from him just after payday. The thought of having to go a whole month without pot and 'expensive' food would piss him right off

On that note, I wonder how long it'll be before his new friends take him for everything he has and leave him in the park in nothing but his boxers. Though that is a horrifying thing to unleash on the people of spokane, even if he gets to a local shelter and has them replaced soon after
 
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Lucas was so stupid as to tell the homeless criminal vagrants he is trying to chum with that he gets a big cash infusion every month that he goes out to spend on expensive meals and weed. Basically trying to impress these guys with what a big spender he is, which would go against every level of street smarts he should have being homeless.

He is like a baby seal in an ocean of sharks and he is too dumb to know it. He may have put a giant mark on his back now. Word spreads quickly in those circles when someone has advertised themselves as a walking atm machine.
 
The idea of street kids taking all of Lucas's stuff is delightful. It'll fuel Lucas's self image as a generous, good guy, and it shows just how weak and lame he is.

Lucas, who claims he is "generous," is known to use gifts (food, drugs, etc) to "make friends." Shy and socially inept, he will use his limited resources to give people a reason to tolerate his company. He's the fat kid that shared his candy, and was nonetheless despised.

Lucas also believes that he can use offers of food, alcohol or weed to score a date. He even has a history of offering cash, up to $1,000, for a date. One can only imagine the offers he'd make if he had real money.

Lucas is also passive and has a hard time standing up for himself.

Lucas is a mark.

This mark also believes that other men ought to provide him with potential sexual partners, and otherwise not compete with him sexually. If you are his friend, you have an obligation to introduce him to women. And if you are his "friend," chances are you're smoking his weed.

I can think of at least two recent incidents where a fellow hobo pressed Lucas for his weed (Isaac and some random crackhead that interrupted Lucas during one of his videos). No doubt there've been more instances that didn't make it on camera.

Lucas's peers recognize him as someone who will easily part with his shit. He probably thinks that he's reinforcing the bonds of friendship (and getting closer to being gifted poonaner by a more successful male), not being exploited.
 
The idea of street kids taking all of Lucas's stuff is delightful. It'll fuel Lucas's self image as a generous, good guy, and it shows just how weak and lame he is.

Lucas, who claims he is "generous," is known to use gifts (food, drugs, etc) to "make friends." Shy and socially inept, he will use his limited resources to give people a reason to tolerate his company. He's the fat kid that shared his candy, and was nonetheless despised.

Lucas also believes that he can use offers of food, alcohol or weed to score a date. He even has a history of offering cash, up to $1,000, for a date. One can only imagine the offers he'd make if he had real money.

Lucas is also passive and has a hard time standing up for himself.

Lucas is a mark.

This mark also believes that other men ought to provide him with potential sexual partners, and otherwise not compete with him sexually. If you are his friend, you have an obligation to introduce him to women. And if you are his "friend," chances are you're smoking his weed.

I can think of at least two recent incidents where a fellow hobo pressed Lucas for his weed (Isaac and some random crackhead that interrupted Lucas during one of his videos). No doubt there've been more instances that didn't make it on camera.

Lucas's peers recognize him as someone who will easily part with his shit. He probably thinks that he's reinforcing the bonds of friendship (and getting closer to being gifted poonaner by a more successful male), not being exploited.
In regards to your earlier comment about Lucas assuming that all women want food and babies, and that those are the only reasons that they might date someone, it's interesting to me that once again this proves that Lucas is constantly in the process of attributing his intentions and his motives tw motives to other people. It seems as though he can't comprehend if anyone having any other motivations. One of the videos that was part of clicket at shirtless Lucas Anthology was Lucas detailing that atheist guys are shy and soft-spoken and an atheist girls who are mean and a growing punk rock need to be nicer to them and need to be aware of the fact that the guys are shy. Okay the only shy atheist that Lucas was talking about is himself. Obviously. The only person who thinks that food and Superior babies are a successful dating lure is Lucas.
 
Lucas Werner wants to mate. Not just fuck, though he’d probably be delighted to, but mate: impregnate a fertile female and produce healthy offspring.

Not any fertile female will do. A 27 year old woman with a functional uterus is of no interest to Lucas. He wants a “18-24” year old mate (though it’s well known he’d be content with a 16 year old, or an 11 year old niece). His intent is not to produce just any offspring. Lucas will use his aged, telomere rich semen (fondly referred to as his “swimmers” which he claims are very fast) and the hyper fertile egg of his much younger mate to produce superior, eugenic progeny. Or “children with the strongest DNA.” Lucas believes that if more people shared his approach to reproduction, the world would be a better, smarter place.

Why Lucas demonstrates this obsession with mating to produce eugenic super spawn will be the subject of another longform piece of Wernology entitled “Lucas fears he isn’t male.” Our subject today is how Lucas pursues this obsession. If you’ve followed him for any length of time, you know that Lucas advertises himself to young, fertile women with food, and that he hopes to convince some lucky lass that his jizz is plenty good because: telomeres.
Lucas understands that to find a bae willing to breed with him, he must signal that he is a suitable mate, until someone acceptable recognizes that he is and gratefully accepts his load of telomeres. Lucas has some notion of how other, sexually successful men go about this, even if its twisted: credit cards, flatbill hats, using the word “nigger,” acting black, cultural appropriation, and so forth.

In other words, they display things he does not have, and do things he does not like.

He is right, to the extent that he has no of the qualities, nor trappings, of a man that interests women.

If Lucas wants to mate so badly, how does he go about it? Not in the conventional way that men try to. He tries to pay women to go out to dinner with them. He invites an entire generation of women out to dinner at Red Robin. He leaves food around Spokane with deranged notes advertising the quality of his dna. He tries to "educate" the public about the virtues of old man jizz and "age gap relationships." Wtf is he doing?

While all men in the courtship game seek to set themselves apart from their sexual rivals, there is a baseline for participation. Potential fathers must generally meet basic standards of readiness or ability to provide. Many men who are consciously interested in starting a family will prepare for it financially, professionally or otherwise. A fellow with a home, a bank account, and some stability may naturally signal they would make a decent father. He may be taken seriously as a mate. Many men who have no interest in being a father become one any way in their pursuit of poonaner, and some even rise to the occasion.

Lucas stands out among other men in the courtship game by virtue of his lack of readiness or ability to provide. But as we've observed he relies upon two things to distinguish himself in a positive way: food, and his magical sperm. Note that Lucas also tries to distinguish himself with his political opinions: he would like to be credited for being a good person and believing the right things. He is a socialist, and Gen Z likes socialism, therefore Gen Z should take him seriously as a sexual partner, because socialists don’t care about poverty. But food and jizz are Lucas’s sales pitch; his “beliefs” are more of a way of focusing his sales pitch on a particular demographic. Lucas doesn’t just want to feed and impregnate any female, but rather some imagined, socialist nymph that thinks Bernie is grand and doesn’t mind that Lucas is a hobo.

Food and jizz are what Lucas understands he has to offer, what he thinks will work, what is unique to him. This is baffling. Women don’t rely on men for food, though Lucas behaves as if they do, and seems to believe they do. Women also don’t seem to consciously think about the genetics of their potential offspring when choosing sexual partners, though Lucas encourages them to. Lucas assumes that women who engage in sexual activity consciously intend to have children and deliberate the fitness of their spawn. He must believe that reproductive fitness is something that women consciously evaluate in men, and something that social and financial success have no bearing on.

For example, in the video “One third of women date for free food” Lucas observes that ⅓ of women date for free food, and ⅔ do so because they want to have children some day. This “sounds kind of fair” to Lucas, who observes “there’s no other reason to date, is there?” Thus, according to Lucas, all women either date for food or for children.

https://youtu.be/TCWQHheFJfY

It just so happens that Lucas offers women food, and the raw substance of children: hobo loads.

Lucas makes other assumptions, too. Despite his health problems and history of mental illness (both may be heritable) he thinks that his DNA is plenty good. Spectacular even. He often refers to how “tall” he is, and has compared himself to the Hulk before. He’d like women, and men, to see him as large and strong. Lucas also thinks, despite ample contrary evidence, that he is very handsome and unironically refers to himself as such. And his telomeres related delusions have convinced him that by virtue of his age, his DNA is even better. Does Lucas believe his telomere nonsense, or is it a cynical argument to get women to take his seed? As outlandish and ridiculous as it is, he seems earnest.

Lucas has some understanding of what women want, aside from food and good jizz for their eggs. It’s not unreasonable, either: security. In his 2010 personal reflection, in a moment of unusual lucidity, he wrote that he is uncomfortable around women because:
I don't want to mess up their lives by telling them I'm bipolar and having them see me cry because I can't give them nice things because I don't have any money and am poor. And smart interesting pretty girls need a guy with security. I don't have any security. I just cry when I think about how much I would like to meet one someday and it makes me cry because I can't give them the security they need. I just cry because I feel so insecure when they're around me. I don't know what they mean by security. I've never had a chance to ask thee types of girls what they really mean by "security" because I'm so nervous around them....

Lucas doesn’t know what “security” means to a smart pretty interesting girl, and admits that he isn’t going to find out. He can’t offer security, and he knows it: he is poor and dependent on handouts. His decision making ability is compromised, and he can be counted on to make a mess of things.

Food then, is partly a matter of providing security, in addition to being something that Lucas thinks women will go on dates for, and seek men to provide. Food is something that Lucas, as both a gluttonous fat ass and a poor person, is preoccupied with. But it’s all the security he can offer: he has an EBT card. He can get enough cash in hand to go to Red Robin or Churchill's. Lucas would like this to be evidence that he is ready to be a father. His children will not starve. There will be plenty of pep sticks for everyone.

But if Lucas doesn’t understand what “security” is to a “smart pretty interesting girl,” or how he can offer it, his own relationship to “security” is complicated. Beyond the social safety net that he relies upon, he has no security. He needs more than he can offer. He has a well established desire to be taken care of by a woman, like Suzanne, and his mommy before her. A woman to buy him things, like guitars and ice cream, and provide him with a home. He intuits that maybe women want to be taken care of, like he does. And he’s in no position to take care of anyone, beyond offering them the fruits of his EBT. Food, even free food, is security, and that gets girls.

In a sense, mating to Lucas provides him with security. If he impregnates a woman, who can support him and do what he says, he will have security: a roof, better access to empty calories.
He thinks that because of feminism and his own oedpial relationship with his mom, that his mate will take care of the family, and he will be a house husband, sort of like how he was with Suzzane: he cleaned, did chores, prepared meals. This brings us back to food again.

Does “security” have any bearing on Lucas’s old, magic sperm? It doesn’t really. Perhaps he’s offering genetic security. He often makes the claim that his mate won’t have to worry about health issues with their offspring. They won’t have marfan syndrome (a favorite of his to mention) or autism or schizophrenia. They’ll be super babies, their future successes ensured by their superior dna.

But I’ve come to think of it more as a matter of realizing he can’t provide security, a tacit admission that all he has is jizz and a big fat gut. In despair he realizes he has nothing meaningful to offer as a mate and father, and so he falls back on his telomeres fantasy.

Lucas also has extreme anxiety over impotence. It’s one of the chief reasons he won’t take meds for his mental health. He complained about being unable to bust loads because of medication, and wanted everyone to know that after discontinuing his medication, he was gushing awesome jizz. There is also the suspicion that Lucas experiences diabetic impotence, to say nothing of his age or his total lack of sexual success. His telomeres delusions about the virtues of his sperm may be a way to overcompensate for his primal lack of sexual fitness, and signal to smart pretty interesting girls that he is in fact a sexual creature to be taken seriously.

Not a fat creep that would like them to support him, and let him anally torture them.
In sum, in the courtship game Lucas relies upon offering meals and preaching about the potency of his jizz, because he expects it to work (despite history telling him that it won’t), and he has nothing else to offer. He will die without issue, without ever having known the touch of a "smart pretty interesting girl."
 
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