Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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TheGreatCitracett said:
I honestly know next to nothing about Japan or Japanese culture, but I remember hearing somewhere that they don't exactly think highly of black people. Which might be a bit of a problem seeing as it's this girl's main selling point, and the thing she seems to think will make her unique among all the other Japanophile girls wanting to be J-pop stars.

And nothing about her music strikes me as J-pop in any way.
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I love J/K-Pop and her music barely sounds like it. At least those songs are catchy and hers sounds like garbage.
 
Back in elementary school, I knew this guy K and he was an odd one. Dude looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy and had the same voice as Toad from Mario. Each year, he'd wear the same hoodie each day, until the first day of the next year when he'd have a new one. They always were some eye-piercing neon color and had some random cartoon character on it. Dude barely ever washed his hoodie, so it'd be covered in dirt and stains by the last day of school.

We hit it off well enough in 4th grade due to a mutual interest in Star Wars and watching insects. But I quickly realized the guy was very annoying. He had a way of going on lengthy nonsensical rants about his emotions, usually about how 4th grade math was too hard or how his younger brother who was 4'10 kept beating him up. He also had a number of k-isms, primarily using "spaghetti' as a general negative word.

Because I helped him find an item once in Lego Star Wars, I ended up becoming his designated person to ask for inane advice, usually about video games. Every day from 4th to 10th grade, he'd ask me about some game he was stuck on, regardless of whether I had said game. I told him about gamefaqs many times, but he either had no internet, or couldn't remember the name of the site. Eventually, I just started making shit up.

In 6th grade, my grade all went to a camp in the mountains for a week. We had to use communal bathrooms and one time, I was stuck waiting at least half an hour for him to get out of the shower. Dude was screaming bloody murder because the water was too cold, but kept making noises well after it should have warmed up. That same year, he was 'enemies' with some other guy in our class for no reason. He would usually call him 'skinny boy' in line and would run up to his face and 'sing' some random game song.

For a long time, K was very child-like. He only displayed interest in children's cartoons and toys well into high school and never swore or made sex jokes. Until 10th grade. That year, he started talking about sex constantly and dropped fucks left and right. He was obsessed with 'gettin some tail' as he called it. He tried to attract girls by ditching the hoodies for pink polo shirts and khaki shorts, topped off with some high-resolution shades. Since he was still fat and couldn't hold an intelligent conversation to save his life, it didn't work. Also he was in some special program at school that year, so he always was carrying a laptop around.

Near the end of that year, it was lunch and I was sitting in an odd corner of the school with my friends like usual, and K was there with his laptop. No one thought much of him, but I did notice that he was muttering a lot under his breath. I looked over at his screen and it was just some Pokemon, whatever. But he keeps on muttering and he's breathing real heavily. I look over again and this dude's masturbating and humping his laptop. One other friend also noticed and yelled "That's not what the headphone jack is for, K." And he immediately turned red and stopped, didn't say a word the rest of the week.

At the end of the year, he moved to another state, but insisted we exchange numbers, the last few years, I'd get the odd update from K. Usually it was him complaining about school being too hard, but sometimes he'd send pics of random girls from his school and go on about how he wanted to bang them. Recently, I tried to see if he had any sort of social media, but there was none to be found aside from a defunct youtube channel. I did find one thing: a comment under his channel name on some psychology blog. It was a rambling incoherent rant about having a recurring sexual fantasy about being dominated by an athletic girl.
 
PPG meltdown of the month, though he's taken it a bit further this time. I didn't manage to capture it in time, but he said he wished he was in a coma.

jfZyQHR.jpg


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Beware: these links contain the GIFs that raped him.

https://twitter.com/BrainDumpTweets/status/812427760790540288?lang=en
https://twitter.com/BrainDumpTweets/status/812427843657416704?lang=en
https://twitter.com/BrainDumpTweets/status/812427876071014401?lang=en
 
Welp, a radical liberal family member of mine (who is over fifty years old and threatened to commit suicide if Trump won) just tried to say that Europe has not seen any increase in terror attacks since letting in all the refugees.

Lord help me.
 
Another Christmas, and another year of having to watch Jeffrey open his gifts in front of everyone. Like I said, his birthday's close to Christmas (December 20th) so his mom always has a party that doubles as Christmas and his birthday party.

Much like every year, his mom got him an awesome load of stuff including video games and other assorted electronics. No epic sperg-out because he's since learned to somewhat police his behavior around us. But I know him well enough to gather from his body language and tone of voice that he wasn't satisfied with what he got and that he probably ended up screaming at her after we all left.

He's still on his stupid politics kick, still has that goddamned hat on, and kept trying to talk about Trump and how awesome he is even though he's well aware that a lot of people in our family are pretty vehemently against the guy.

Also, he kept pestering everyone to "please remember to vote for me in the upcoming race for governor." 'Cause he still thinks he can be a governor. I don't follow Brianna Wu much so I just learned today that he's running for Congress. It's kinda funny how, much like great minds, terrible minds also think alike.
 
Some of you may remember a few months back, I posted in this thread about Shaun 'Foodking' Tysoe, aka the guy who got banned from Pokémon tournaments for shitting himself. Things have kind of gone off the rails since then.

Thought it was weird that he didn't show up at the recent Pokémon international tournament in London (his ban was overturned a few months ago on the condition he's supervised), turns out he'd left his care home over a month ago without telling anyone and ended up in jail for racially abusing someone. He's done some really stupid stuff in the past but don't think anyone saw that coming.
 
So, some more about K.

It turns out that he has developed a bit of a reputation as an IBO apologist, going to multiple forums to post the exact same things under the same name. He's held up as a strawman representation of the show's fans from time to time, someone who makes all manners of excuses for the show and none of them really hold up. He desperately tries to weasel out of agreeing with those flaws.

Take one time when people were discussing the protagonists amoral behavior and how it made them unlikable to some viewers. K tried to say they should have known what kind of show it was, only for someone to point out the show goes to great lengths to make them sympathetic. When confronted with this possible failing, K spouted on about how just seeing them eat was enough for him to connect with them and they didn't need dramatic back stories. It was pointed out he was evading the question and how people judged characters by their actions, he then said it was people trying to make the show look bad.

Just like when more information came out about the show's underwhelming performance in Japan, he tried to say the people saying this to give the show a bad rep because they don't like the writer or director. Hell, in response to the latest he tried to spam the same link supporting the show while making excuses to discredit what others say. And when he's really desperate, expect a brick of text.

If he makes a thread that goes in a negative direction, he'll delete it. Right now he's trying to paint the show as massively popular in NA after information about its Japanese performance is sinking in. Hell, the expsure Toonami gave it created some vocal critics. And finally, he's in complete denial about how Jojo is doing on Toonami. If a show is losing the station 400k viewers each week, its not doing fine.
 
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Oh dear, this old post now has a sequal.
MerriedxReldnahc said:
I just received some unfortunate news regarding a college friend who was always just a little bit of a moron but in the most likable way.
C is a friend of mine, who I always thought of as being a hard worker, determined, but kind of thick-headed. I was in student government with him, and he served as the President while I was his hand-picked publicity director. He did a great job serving as our figurehead and was amazing as a recruiter, but his ego got in the way sometimes. We still all liked him of course. He had a contentious relationship with the school's newspaper editor (who was kind of a tool but that's only tangentely related ) who would print all sorts of negative or incorrect statements regarding student government. Of course C would get butthurt about it and go ranting and raving about how bullshit it is. Towards the end of his term, he announced he would run for mayor of Bumfuckville! He would get involved in real politics! We all warned him not to get upset at what the media says about him, and not to get too mouthy at the opposition. So after briefly getting butthurt about something at a College Board Meeting where he swore of politics forever, he decided to run for mayor!
Now remember how we warned him about the media? You see, when you run for mayor you become a well-known community figure. So when you fuck up, everyone finds out. His run itself was uneventful, he didn't win, and he was OK with that. But now everyone knows he was a mayoral candidate. So when he got arrested for a DUI, the headline proudly read "Mayoral Candidate C Arrested For DUI". (*edit: just remembered it was a felony hit-and-run charge*)
Of course C did the rational thing and posted a rant on Facebook claiming that the media was full of shit and that the cops were sexually harassing his girlfriend.

welp.

So all has been well for a while, he's been working hard with his own business and has a new girlfriend! Except out of fucking nowhere he was involved in a 4 hour police standoff after getting caught in a domestic dispute. Now the headlines read Former Bumfuckville mayoral candidate in custody on domestic violence charges.

God Dammit, C . I'm awaiting the Facebook post.
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Poor C has been dealing with serious substance abuse problems that have been responsible for his past arrests, including the police standoff. So just for background info, the fallout of the police standoff was basically a plea deal involving five years of probation- which if violated could put him in jail for anywhere between 7 and 14 years depending on the level of fucking up he does. For a while he was doing great, he seemed to have gotten his life on a good track.

He tried to rob a fucking bank last Friday.

He stole a truck, tried to hold up the drive-thru teller, and got chased well into the next county by the cops before crashing. He was injured to the point that he had to be carried to the closest hospital by helicopter. He could be facing charges of armed robbery, terrorist threats, auto theft, and evading arrest. Basically he's fucked.

GOD DAMMIT C

What sucks the most is that he is an incredibly nice guy who is just going through some serious shit. It's bumming me out, man!
 
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I've been thinking about a few 'cows I was classmates with lately. (Names changed to protect the Autistic.)

Colby was this really fat kid I knew in third grade. Nobody really liked him, but like many cows, he thought he was the coolest. He wore this sunglasses every day which I guess he thought made him look badass. They were Barbie sunglasses. He also always sat leaned back in his desk, front two chair legs off the ground, feet crossed over his desk. Teacher told him to knock it off and he'd usually listen after she said it a few times. Although, once he responded by shouting at her to suck his dick.

Colby was as clean as a cow could be. By which I mean he was constantly filthy. His clothes never fit him and a bit of his stomach would always be exposed. He once went an entire day with a bit of jam stuck to his chin. At least once a week he'd shit himself, partway through the year the teacher was so sick of the perma-stank in the classroom that one day when Colby shat himself she started shouting at him so loudly that the man teaching next door came running over thinking someone was injured.

Colby was also a huge bully. He was the biggest kid in the class, partially due to being fat and partially due to being held back a grade. He used his size to intimidate a lot of the class, and he'd just randomly decide that he hated certain kids and set about making their lives hell. There was this one shy girl who rarely spoke, and when she did, did so very quietly. She started coming out of her shell a bit more, and I figure the reason she was so quiet was because she had a bit of a stutter problem. This triggered the fuck out of Colby. Suddenly, the items in Stutter-Girl's desk started to disappear, Whenever Colby heard her talk during recess he'd either slap or punch her. One day, we got back in from recess, and Stutter-Girl's stuff had all been taken out of her bag and strewn all around the class, some of it in the trash. While Colby was frequently suspended for his abuse of her, it clearly affected her. Her stutter was worse by the end of the year.

She wasn't his only victim, but she was the one he seemed to loathe the most. Other reasons you could get on Colby's shit-list include:
*Not sharing your lunch with him when he so kindly shrieked at you to do so.
*Making fun of him for shitting his pants.
*Defending someone else from his wrath.
*Breathing too loudly. (Seriously, one day he went off and socked the kid in the desk next to his just because the kid had sighed. *sigh*)
*Having something he wants. (One kid got one of those light up hairy pen things... kinda like this:
Screen Shot 2016-12-31 at 8.26.47 PM.png
at the school's book fair. Colby decided he wanted it, but he couldn't afford one, so he spent the rest of the day begging the kid for his, and when kid refused, Colby went nuclear and wound up getting his ass suspended again.

Finally, I'm pretty sure the only time he crapped at school somewhere OTHER than in his pants he did so in a urinal. Didn't even try to hide it, he ran into the classroom with a really smug look and started asking other boys to come take a gander at his grand accomplishment.

I've heard that a lot of teachers wanted him expelled but his wealthy parents had donated a lot of money to the school, so he was there to stay.

Eli... Should have been in Special Ed. Seriously. He couldn't really talk, always speaking some weird language that he'd apparently made up himself. He was in fifth grade with me, and the teacher never really had him participate in any lessons. He just sat off in a corner and filled out one of those Jumpstart workbooks. I really don't understand why he was in the class, as it wasn't like my school didn't have a Special Education program.

Anyway, Eli kept to himself at first, but then he discovered himself a new hobby. Groping everybody. Literally everybody that wasn't the teacher. Boy, girl, sexually-identified-attack-helicopter... It didn't matter. He'd roll his chair over to you and start rubbing his hand up your leg, your back, wherever he could reach. He always said the same thing when he did it too, "GEET! GEET! GEET!" I never did become fluent in his language, so I can only guess as to what he meant by this. He took special interest in the shampoo I used back then, I guess, because every chance he got he'd get behind me and start sniffing my hair.

Finally, a group of kids had had enough of Eli and went to the teacher with the seemingly reasonable request that she tell Eli to stop touching us.

The teacher's response was fucking glorious and I doubt I'll ever forget it.

First, she got really fucking angry, because how dare we take issue with anything a mentally disabled person does? All of our little ten year old privileges thoroughly checked, she explained that it was totally fine for him to touch us however he wants because he just doesn't understand and we have to get over it.

Neurotypical privilege is not being able to do a damn thing when someone gropes you.

The fifth grade went on a yearly overnight camping trip, and that's where the buck stopped for Eli. He snuck into the girls' cabin and commenced fapping. The mothers chaperoning had absolutely none of that and raised enough of a fuss that the principal kicked Eli out of the school.

Sometimes I wonder to myself if Eli's gotten arrested yet or not, because I know it's gonna happen eventually.

This last one's a teacher, and I mentioned her a while back in the thread, but she needs to be expanded upon. She was my math teacher through most of middle school, and was absolutely awful at her job. She'd spend most of class time just screaming at us so loudly that you could hear her in other classrooms. She was always yelling at us for talking too much, but the really crazy thing was that we'd normally all be stunned into silence. She would literally lose her shit at us for talking when the room was dead silent.

So, yeah, she didn't do much actual teaching, and it was naturally our faults for constantly failing every test, quiz and homework assignment. Her quizzes were extremely short and, for some reason, counted for more in our over-all grades than the tests did. Quizzes were normally three questions long. Miss one and she'd fail you. Instead of considering that, perhaps, she should try teaching us every once in a while instead of just screaming at us, she insisted that most of us shouldn't have even been promoted from elementary school. Math class was basically just an hour of being shouted at, the only kids who were passing were those whose parents were great at math themselves.

Once, she was out sick for a month for some reason. Magically when we had a substitute who bothered teaching us, everyone's grades started to improve. Again, this did nothing to make Ms. H realize that the problem was her lack of actual instruction, she just insisted everyone had taken advantage of the sub to cheat off each other. How she thinks a bunch of kids who can't understand the material cheating off other kids who don't understand the material would work I'll never know.

I was doing pretty well with math through elementary school, yet ever since middle school I've struggled with it. I can only assume losing a couple grades' worth of instruction has something to do with that.
 
It's funny that @TheImportantFart wished me a Jeffrey-free new year because of what happened.

They...didn't show up even though they always do on New Year's Day. His girlfriend is pretty cool to talk to once you get to know her so I'll hit her up on Facebook messenger every now and again (no, I'm not cucking him, nor do I have any interest in doing so).

Like Jeffrey himself, she's got a mild case of :autism: which means that she doesn't talk much in person and doesn't have much of a filter. Meaning that if somebody does something stupid she won't help them save face if nobody tells her to.

We get a call from his mom this morning at around 8:00 AM saying that they won't be making it because "Jeffrey's sick." I hop on Facebook and ask her what he's sick with. Since, again, she doesn't have the best filter, I ended up learning what happened.

Jeffrey decided that he was going to be one of the cool kids and drink for New Year's Eve. I've mentioned before that he doesn't drink regularly so it stands to reason that he's a real lightweight. Apparently he ended up downing a bottle and a half of champagne, and that was more than enough to get him shitfaced. Since he's already a jackass sober, you could probably infer what happened next. According to her, he was screaming about something or other and throwing stuff all through the house. It got to the point where the neighbors actually ended up calling the cops because they thought some kind of break-in had occurred. Jeffrey wasn't arrested or anything, but his mom was apparently really mad that the fucking cops had to come because of him. As she should be.

I guess after they left, he continued his drunk chimpout for a bit before throwing up on the floor, staggering to his bedroom, and passing out. His "sickness" is a hangover.

@Piga Dgrifm Colby sounds almost EXACTLY like Jeffrey when we were in school. He isn't fat or dirty (quite the opposite; he's relatively good-looking and has always been obsessively clean), and as far as I know never shit himself. Personality wise, though, it's like they're fucking soul mates. He was always a pretty vicious bully, too, which I've touched upon.
 
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TheGreatCitracett said:
Here's a guy I haven't thought about in years, but was reminded of a bit ago. We'll call him Proctor the Butt Doctor for reasons that will become obvious. The first thing you'd notice was the smell. This kid stank like I didn't think was possible. Smelled like rancid meat, dog shit, cat piss, sweat and god only knows what. And it was a lingering smell. You could usually tell if he'd been someplace recently. You could walk into an empty room and just fucking gag.

He had the look of someone that had never touched water. Just looked really dry and dirty I guess. And always seemed to be wearing blue jeans and a blue denim jacket. Early in school we all just thought he must fart constantly to stink that bad. Little kids have no concept of someone who is just that filthy.

He had the voice of Grover from Sesame Street, and a rising speech pattern that made everything he said sound like a question. Like an 80s valley girl. He was irritating to have to listen to, which was unfortunate because he talked constantly. Nobody really liked him, but he constantly demanded to be the center of attention, and he was very hard to ignore.

I first met him in kindergarten. He was my assigned seat partner on the bus. That didn't last long. He wouldn't stay put, jumped from seat to seat like a monkey and yelled a lot. When he wasn't doing that, he'd tell wild stories about various things, a few of which were:

-He was secretly the white power ranger (there was no white power ranger yet at this point) and his name was Superflash.
-He rode a supercycle motorcycle that could turn invisible. That's why nobody could see it. Also it could fly and was totally parked on his roof. Why he rode the bus then was anyone's guess.
-His nickname was Brad, because it's short for his name. (His name is not Bradley).
-He and his sister would break into the abandoned church next door at midnights on full moons to battle the evil spirit of their dead father with kitchen knives.
-The typical uncle that works for Nintendo stories.
-That he was a famous songwriter. Three that I remember him claiming to write are "Be My Baby Tonight" by John Michael Montgomery, "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw, and "Turn Back Time" by Aqua. He was a big Aqua fan. No clue why he didn't claim to write "Barbie Girl" it was his favorite.

Soon though, he got made to sit in the front seat, with a seatbelt, right behind the driver. That lasted about a day because he kept reaching up and trying to rub and touch her hair. He was then moved across the aisle.

His is a story about a kid that was fucked up in lots of ways, but school and bus staff seemed to bend over backwards to accommodate him and keep him around.

So far this is just typical lolcow stuff, but it gets so much worse...

These all happened roughly between 1995-1999

Nobody ever really called him by his first name, always just Proctor. He always liked to tell stories about how he'd trick people, get into places, or evade enemies by pretending to be someone named "Croptor". Which he insisted was Proctor spelled backward. He was very proud of his name.

One day in about 2nd grade, we had a substitute teacher who was teaching us about name origins. Smith=Blacksmith, Chandler=Candlemaker, etc. Fascinating stuff.

He piped up and asked what Proctor meant.
"Uhh, well, I'm-ah, not quite sure on that one actually..."
"WHAAAAT?"
"I'm not sure, I think it means proctologist, but I may be wrong... that's a kind of doctor but I'm not sure I should--"
"SAY IT, WOMAN!" (He had no respect for anyone female, even teachers. He kept yelling...)
"Fine! It's a BUTT DOCTOR! Proctor is a BUTT DOCTOR! Happy now?!"
The whole class laughed our asses off and Proctor scored a nickname that would stick forever.
One day, Proctor showed up wearing glasses. Big, thick, Buddy Holly looking fuckers that would make any hipster proud. Nobody really noticed or cared. But Proctor wouldn't shut up about them "I'm too cool for these! I'll break 'em! I can't look like a dork, I'm one of the cool kids!" and on and on.

The teachers had all been told by his mother that he was to be watched like a hawk because he'd try to wreck the glasses. They kept watch until he managed to slip away between lunch and the next class, and he wasn't wearing the glasses when he arrived. And he was smelling worse than usual. The teacher was grilling him on where he'd put them, when the janitor stepped in and called him out to the hallway. We all followed and saw that the boys' bathroom was flooding water into the hall. The janitor ordered him to go in and retrieve what he'd plugged the urinal with.

He'd apparently snuck away to the bathroom during lunch, purposely shit his pants (Barney the dinosaur briefs), took off the dirty, crapped briefs, stuck the glasses into the shit, rolled the glasses up in the briefs like a horrid burrito, then stuffed them into the urinal. He tried to flush it down but it wouldn't go. He pulled so hard the handle broke and started pouring water. He then put his jeans back on, wiped his shitty hands on them and ran to class. There was a boy in the far stall he didn't notice who snitched him out. Said he could tell by the smell, and Proctor's nonstop cackling and giggling and talking to himself.

He was made to grab his briefs from the urinal wash them out in the sink, and put the glasses back on. He managed to wreck them at home within the week, and never again had glasses.
He was a big fan of the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, but that wasn't where the Barbie adventures ended. One day he was running around the playground getting everyone's attention, so we all followed to see what he was up to. He stood under a tree and was taking his shoes off, told us all to get ready, he was about to do something cool. It wasn't cool at all. He whipped his pants off super fast and was wearing bright pink frilly Barbie pantyhose. We'd all thought he was gonna climb the tree and jump onto the fence or something. No such luck. He starts bragging about how those were his sister's pantyhose and he wore them because he had no clean briefs. About this time the playground aide comes over and goes "Oh my, young man, where are your underwear?!" to which he replied "I crapped 'em all, WOMAN!" and goes streaking away at top speed, throwing his jeans over the fence as he runs. He spent the rest of the day in the office.

Also, he'd always boast about having a "My Size Barbie". Those were a 3 foot tall dress-up doll. He'd always tell everyone he had one in his bed that he'd drilled a hole where the vagina would be (right below the belly button, of course) and how he'd stick his dick in that hole and just hump it all night. He'd always make up bizarre stories, but that one seemed plausible.
Somehow, around 5th grade when we all started middle school, a 10-foot-high chainlink fence sprung up all around Proctor's yard. Looked like a prison exercise yard. And soon there were at least 6 massive great danes in there. Those are not a cheap dog, so how they got one let alone 5 or 6 is a mystery to me. Absolutely no clue how they fed them either.

The house was an ancient two-story stone house with a rickety, holey porch all the way around. The porch soon was completely coated in dog shit. Also the dogs broke out all the first floor windows by jumping in and out of them. The solution was to take all the doors from the upstairs rooms and nail them over the downstairs windows. The door was left open for the dogs.

The house had a wraparound roof for the porch, which the hoarded 30+ cats would congregate on. Now that the dogs had free run of the 2nd floor too it wasn't uncommon to see great danes up shitting on the roof and jumping in and out the 2nd floor windows. The cats (and presumably the Supercycle) were relegated to the main roof where the dogs couldn't reach.
I actually took these the other day when I had to drive through the area. In the first one you can clearly see the outline where the porch roof was. Yes, great danes were running around that high up. The porch is gone now as well and so is the fence. To the right is the abandoned church where all sorts of spiritual warfare supposedly took place. Someone must have bought the house, installed windows and a roof, then abandoned it from the looks of things. It's actually a big improvement.
View attachment 157365
Another view. You can see there used to be very large trees between the sidewalk and road. They used the trees as fenceposts and actually fenced the sidewalk into their dog pen. The fence was right to the edge of the road. Guess nobody minded enough to make an issue of it.
View attachment 157366
From what I've heard from the crew that cleaned that house out after Butt Doctor and co. abandoned it around 12 years ago, it was not pretty. The toilet had broken years before so they shit in it until it was full, then did the same to the toilet tank, sink and bathtub. Apparently there was also shit piled high in corners of rooms that wasn't from the dogs and cats. Fortunately this had all been sitting about 2 years so they just shoveled it out in large brick-like clumps, and removed all the sinks, tubs, etc, entirely and tossed them.
One day in middle school, probably around halfway through 7th grade we were all getting off the bus when an Aide lady walks up and grabs hold of Proctor and takes him away. In school we notice her walking him between classes, and in every class he's in, there's now an extra desk and the aide is sitting there reading a book or whatever she does. After a week or so of her being his shadow, some friends and I asked her what was going on. Her, being a rather disgruntled aide who had no problem telling us everything, explained.

About a week before, between classes, the assistant principal was making the rounds and checking the boys bathrooms for kids trying to smoke or skip class. He walks into the boys room across from the cafeteria and sees two sets of legs, pants around ankles, in front of the toilet in the handicap stall. Loud mumbling and grunting going on. No, it couldn't be. Stall door was open. Walks in.

OH DEAR GOD.

Proctor had one of the sped kids (same age, not a re.tarded one, just ADHD or something) bent over the toilet and was railing him as balls deep and hard as a 7th grader can. The assistant principal grabbed them and dragged both of them to the office. At this point the aide told us that as he was getting pulled away, Proctor started screaming "Ahh! Ahh! I'm stuck! It won't come out!" or something like that and kept insisting he tripped and fell and his pecker ended up in his friend's ass and he wasn't fucking him, he was just attempting to pull it back out and it just looked bad because they got caught at the wrong time.

Parents were called, conferences were had and the best course of action was determined to be giving Proctor a round-the-clock aide who met him at the bus in the morning, followed him everywhere through school including clearing out the bathrooms before he went in and blocking the door so nobody else got in with him, and escorting him back to the bus at the end of the day. We did not envy her. I imagine she got a decent pay raise for being his personal wrangler though. She did it for at least two years. Proctor was only unaccompanied on the bus. It wouldn't last. He'd soon get a bus aide as well.
He also had a habit of yelling in the hallways "I've got a big corn cob up my butt from (random student's name)!" He'd always try to provoke people to hit him. Nobody knew why, but nobody ever punched him out because everyone knew he wiped his ass with his hand and never bathed. He was totally immune to bullying and he knew it. Nobody fucked with him, but it wasn't because we were scared. We just didn't want to get lice or whatever else he had. But it was usually lice.
The bus was the only bit of freedom he now had, and he took full advantage. Jumping, yelling, screaming along with the music on the radio, and shouting out "music facts" that only he knew. Like did you know that the "stomp stomp clap" part of We Will Rock You was censorship? Yeah, apparently in the "dirty" version Freddie Mercury yells "dick dick DICK!" Proctor of course has the only tape of the dirty version, and you can't hear it because reasons.

Despite being up front he still annoyed the whole bus. One day a new kid joined the bus route. He was about 6, and was made to sit up front with Proctor because he was too young to sit farther back. This was a mistake. About a half hour into the bus ride we all hear a bloodcurdling shriek followed by bawling and crying. Bus driver pulls over and screams "PROCTOR WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?" It was the little kid screaming.

Proctor stands up and goes "Woman! He would not stop talking about Pokemon, so I grabbed him by the balls, then pulled and twisted HARD! Then he just crossed his arms and sat back down. Next day the little kid was gone and Proctor had a bus aide too. I can't imagine why the school wasted so much taxpayer money keeping this stinky fucker around. He had no interest in school or learning whatsoever. Not too long after that bus incident I moved away.
Flash forward to the present...
Proctor disappeared not long after I moved. Good riddance. I heard once he moved in with a juggalette and had a few kids but other than that he was totally gone. Until the other day a friend showed me this:
View attachment 157382
Yeah that's a mugshot. Apparently our good friend Proctor is a rapist and will probably be remaining locked up for life.

At least they'll make him take a shower.
Click to expand...
Re-read this again today. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Also, I was curious so I did a reverse image search on that mugshot of the good doctor. He apparently gets out of jail in 2018. Presumably he'll be hitching a ride on his invisible supercycle to get home.
 
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TheGreatCitracett said:
Here's a guy I haven't thought about in years, but was reminded of a bit ago. We'll call him Proctor the Butt Doctor for reasons that will become obvious. The first thing you'd notice was the smell. This kid stank like I didn't think was possible. Smelled like rancid meat, dog shit, cat piss, sweat and god only knows what. And it was a lingering smell. You could usually tell if he'd been someplace recently. You could walk into an empty room and just fucking gag.

He had the look of someone that had never touched water. Just looked really dry and dirty I guess. And always seemed to be wearing blue jeans and a blue denim jacket. Early in school we all just thought he must fart constantly to stink that bad. Little kids have no concept of someone who is just that filthy.

He had the voice of Grover from Sesame Street, and a rising speech pattern that made everything he said sound like a question. Like an 80s valley girl. He was irritating to have to listen to, which was unfortunate because he talked constantly. Nobody really liked him, but he constantly demanded to be the center of attention, and he was very hard to ignore.

I first met him in kindergarten. He was my assigned seat partner on the bus. That didn't last long. He wouldn't stay put, jumped from seat to seat like a monkey and yelled a lot. When he wasn't doing that, he'd tell wild stories about various things, a few of which were:

-He was secretly the white power ranger (there was no white power ranger yet at this point) and his name was Superflash.
-He rode a supercycle motorcycle that could turn invisible. That's why nobody could see it. Also it could fly and was totally parked on his roof. Why he rode the bus then was anyone's guess.
-His nickname was Brad, because it's short for his name. (His name is not Bradley).
-He and his sister would break into the abandoned church next door at midnights on full moons to battle the evil spirit of their dead father with kitchen knives.
-The typical uncle that works for Nintendo stories.
-That he was a famous songwriter. Three that I remember him claiming to write are "Be My Baby Tonight" by John Michael Montgomery, "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw, and "Turn Back Time" by Aqua. He was a big Aqua fan. No clue why he didn't claim to write "Barbie Girl" it was his favorite.

Soon though, he got made to sit in the front seat, with a seatbelt, right behind the driver. That lasted about a day because he kept reaching up and trying to rub and touch her hair. He was then moved across the aisle.

His is a story about a kid that was fucked up in lots of ways, but school and bus staff seemed to bend over backwards to accommodate him and keep him around.

So far this is just typical lolcow stuff, but it gets so much worse...

These all happened roughly between 1995-1999

Nobody ever really called him by his first name, always just Proctor. He always liked to tell stories about how he'd trick people, get into places, or evade enemies by pretending to be someone named "Croptor". Which he insisted was Proctor spelled backward. He was very proud of his name.

One day in about 2nd grade, we had a substitute teacher who was teaching us about name origins. Smith=Blacksmith, Chandler=Candlemaker, etc. Fascinating stuff.

He piped up and asked what Proctor meant.
"Uhh, well, I'm-ah, not quite sure on that one actually..."
"WHAAAAT?"
"I'm not sure, I think it means proctologist, but I may be wrong... that's a kind of doctor but I'm not sure I should--"
"SAY IT, WOMAN!" (He had no respect for anyone female, even teachers. He kept yelling...)
"Fine! It's a BUTT DOCTOR! Proctor is a BUTT DOCTOR! Happy now?!"
The whole class laughed our asses off and Proctor scored a nickname that would stick forever.
One day, Proctor showed up wearing glasses. Big, thick, Buddy Holly looking fuckers that would make any hipster proud. Nobody really noticed or cared. But Proctor wouldn't shut up about them "I'm too cool for these! I'll break 'em! I can't look like a dork, I'm one of the cool kids!" and on and on.

The teachers had all been told by his mother that he was to be watched like a hawk because he'd try to wreck the glasses. They kept watch until he managed to slip away between lunch and the next class, and he wasn't wearing the glasses when he arrived. And he was smelling worse than usual. The teacher was grilling him on where he'd put them, when the janitor stepped in and called him out to the hallway. We all followed and saw that the boys' bathroom was flooding water into the hall. The janitor ordered him to go in and retrieve what he'd plugged the urinal with.

He'd apparently snuck away to the bathroom during lunch, purposely shit his pants (Barney the dinosaur briefs), took off the dirty, crapped briefs, stuck the glasses into the shit, rolled the glasses up in the briefs like a horrid burrito, then stuffed them into the urinal. He tried to flush it down but it wouldn't go. He pulled so hard the handle broke and started pouring water. He then put his jeans back on, wiped his shitty hands on them and ran to class. There was a boy in the far stall he didn't notice who snitched him out. Said he could tell by the smell, and Proctor's nonstop cackling and giggling and talking to himself.

He was made to grab his briefs from the urinal wash them out in the sink, and put the glasses back on. He managed to wreck them at home within the week, and never again had glasses.
He was a big fan of the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, but that wasn't where the Barbie adventures ended. One day he was running around the playground getting everyone's attention, so we all followed to see what he was up to. He stood under a tree and was taking his shoes off, told us all to get ready, he was about to do something cool. It wasn't cool at all. He whipped his pants off super fast and was wearing bright pink frilly Barbie pantyhose. We'd all thought he was gonna climb the tree and jump onto the fence or something. No such luck. He starts bragging about how those were his sister's pantyhose and he wore them because he had no clean briefs. About this time the playground aide comes over and goes "Oh my, young man, where are your underwear?!" to which he replied "I crapped 'em all, WOMAN!" and goes streaking away at top speed, throwing his jeans over the fence as he runs. He spent the rest of the day in the office.

Also, he'd always boast about having a "My Size Barbie". Those were a 3 foot tall dress-up doll. He'd always tell everyone he had one in his bed that he'd drilled a hole where the vagina would be (right below the belly button, of course) and how he'd stick his dick in that hole and just hump it all night. He'd always make up bizarre stories, but that one seemed plausible.
Somehow, around 5th grade when we all started middle school, a 10-foot-high chainlink fence sprung up all around Proctor's yard. Looked like a prison exercise yard. And soon there were at least 6 massive great danes in there. Those are not a cheap dog, so how they got one let alone 5 or 6 is a mystery to me. Absolutely no clue how they fed them either.

The house was an ancient two-story stone house with a rickety, holey porch all the way around. The porch soon was completely coated in dog shit. Also the dogs broke out all the first floor windows by jumping in and out of them. The solution was to take all the doors from the upstairs rooms and nail them over the downstairs windows. The door was left open for the dogs.

The house had a wraparound roof for the porch, which the hoarded 30+ cats would congregate on. Now that the dogs had free run of the 2nd floor too it wasn't uncommon to see great danes up shitting on the roof and jumping in and out the 2nd floor windows. The cats (and presumably the Supercycle) were relegated to the main roof where the dogs couldn't reach.
I actually took these the other day when I had to drive through the area. In the first one you can clearly see the outline where the porch roof was. Yes, great danes were running around that high up. The porch is gone now as well and so is the fence. To the right is the abandoned church where all sorts of spiritual warfare supposedly took place. Someone must have bought the house, installed windows and a roof, then abandoned it from the looks of things. It's actually a big improvement.
View attachment 157365
Another view. You can see there used to be very large trees between the sidewalk and road. They used the trees as fenceposts and actually fenced the sidewalk into their dog pen. The fence was right to the edge of the road. Guess nobody minded enough to make an issue of it.
View attachment 157366
From what I've heard from the crew that cleaned that house out after Butt Doctor and co. abandoned it around 12 years ago, it was not pretty. The toilet had broken years before so they shit in it until it was full, then did the same to the toilet tank, sink and bathtub. Apparently there was also shit piled high in corners of rooms that wasn't from the dogs and cats. Fortunately this had all been sitting about 2 years so they just shoveled it out in large brick-like clumps, and removed all the sinks, tubs, etc, entirely and tossed them.
One day in middle school, probably around halfway through 7th grade we were all getting off the bus when an Aide lady walks up and grabs hold of Proctor and takes him away. In school we notice her walking him between classes, and in every class he's in, there's now an extra desk and the aide is sitting there reading a book or whatever she does. After a week or so of her being his shadow, some friends and I asked her what was going on. Her, being a rather disgruntled aide who had no problem telling us everything, explained.

About a week before, between classes, the assistant principal was making the rounds and checking the boys bathrooms for kids trying to smoke or skip class. He walks into the boys room across from the cafeteria and sees two sets of legs, pants around ankles, in front of the toilet in the handicap stall. Loud mumbling and grunting going on. No, it couldn't be. Stall door was open. Walks in.

OH DEAR GOD.

Proctor had one of the sped kids (same age, not a re.tarded one, just ADHD or something) bent over the toilet and was railing him as balls deep and hard as a 7th grader can. The assistant principal grabbed them and dragged both of them to the office. At this point the aide told us that as he was getting pulled away, Proctor started screaming "Ahh! Ahh! I'm stuck! It won't come out!" or something like that and kept insisting he tripped and fell and his pecker ended up in his friend's ass and he wasn't fucking him, he was just attempting to pull it back out and it just looked bad because they got caught at the wrong time.

Parents were called, conferences were had and the best course of action was determined to be giving Proctor a round-the-clock aide who met him at the bus in the morning, followed him everywhere through school including clearing out the bathrooms before he went in and blocking the door so nobody else got in with him, and escorting him back to the bus at the end of the day. We did not envy her. I imagine she got a decent pay raise for being his personal wrangler though. She did it for at least two years. Proctor was only unaccompanied on the bus. It wouldn't last. He'd soon get a bus aide as well.
He also had a habit of yelling in the hallways "I've got a big corn cob up my butt from (random student's name)!" He'd always try to provoke people to hit him. Nobody knew why, but nobody ever punched him out because everyone knew he wiped his ass with his hand and never bathed. He was totally immune to bullying and he knew it. Nobody fucked with him, but it wasn't because we were scared. We just didn't want to get lice or whatever else he had. But it was usually lice.
The bus was the only bit of freedom he now had, and he took full advantage. Jumping, yelling, screaming along with the music on the radio, and shouting out "music facts" that only he knew. Like did you know that the "stomp stomp clap" part of We Will Rock You was censorship? Yeah, apparently in the "dirty" version Freddie Mercury yells "dick dick DICK!" Proctor of course has the only tape of the dirty version, and you can't hear it because reasons.

Despite being up front he still annoyed the whole bus. One day a new kid joined the bus route. He was about 6, and was made to sit up front with Proctor because he was too young to sit farther back. This was a mistake. About a half hour into the bus ride we all hear a bloodcurdling shriek followed by bawling and crying. Bus driver pulls over and screams "PROCTOR WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?" It was the little kid screaming.

Proctor stands up and goes "Woman! He would not stop talking about Pokemon, so I grabbed him by the balls, then pulled and twisted HARD! Then he just crossed his arms and sat back down. Next day the little kid was gone and Proctor had a bus aide too. I can't imagine why the school wasted so much taxpayer money keeping this stinky fucker around. He had no interest in school or learning whatsoever. Not too long after that bus incident I moved away.
Flash forward to the present...
Proctor disappeared not long after I moved. Good riddance. I heard once he moved in with a juggalette and had a few kids but other than that he was totally gone. Until the other day a friend showed me this:
View attachment 157382
Yeah that's a mugshot. Apparently our good friend Proctor is a rapist and will probably be remaining locked up for life.

At least they'll make him take a shower.
Click to expand...
Up until I read he turned out to be a sex offender, the story of his Elementary and Jr High years was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever read. It was like bits and pieces of all the various weird ass, poor, probably neglected at home, sped-like kids I grew up around over the years with all their worst attributes cranked up to 11 and mixed into one human being. Truly Proctor the Butt Doctor was the stinky/weird kid singularity.
 
SOINCHU said:
Up until I read he turned out to be a sex offender, the story of his Elementary and Jr High years was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever read. It was like bits and pieces of all the various weird ass, poor, probably neglected at home, sped-like kids I grew up around over the years with all their worst attributes cranked up to 11 and mixed into one human being. Truly Proctor the Butt Doctor was the stinky/weird kid singularity.
Click to expand...

That's pretty much it too. There's actually a few more "That Kid" types from school I've been meaning to post, but Proctor topped them all so he took priority. I'm still planning on posting them, just haven't had time to yet. (And I possibly have a few elementary school Proctor pics if I can find them).
 
Soooo remember when I mentioned Natalie and co? The gang of SJWs with massive victim complexes and hate white people? It was almost a year ago but I have a major update.

I have a good friend who still hangs out with them. Or at least did until very recently. I have no idea why. Not only is said friend white herself but even without the racist aspect, they just seem like a bunch of shitty people with little to none redeeming qualities. Well this all changes New Years Eve.

Ellen is throwing a party (I mentioned her in this thread before. She's kinda a SJW herself but not that much of a lolcow and is overall a kind person). She's also was good friends with Natalie and friends. I also have no idea why other than it's probably due to proximity and nostalgia (they were all really close in high school). My friend is gonna be there as well. I don't have a lot of interest in attending since I've been to a few of Ellen's parties and they tended to be kinda lame. But I still want to see my friend and catch up with Ellen so I decided to show up early on for a few hours. Then leave around 10. Surprise, surprise. Natalie was there. And so was her friend, who we'll call Arleen. Arleen is probably the smallest cow of the bunch but she's still insufferable and bitches about white people often even though she's half white herself. Suddenly, a guy named Cameron shows up. Now Cameron is the ex of a guy who I mentioned earlier in this thread. The one who thinks all white people are aliens and all intentionally oppress black people. Cameron isn't much better than he deranged ex (I think at one point he even tried setting his ex on fire). The interesting thing is that Cameron wasn't even invited by Ellen or my friend (who was cohosting the party) but was rather invited by Arleen. I guess they were too polite to tell him to tell him to fuck off. Cameron also brings his friend James. This is where its gets interesting.

Since I left at 10, I missed out on the good stuff. Apparently, despite being gay, James was creeping on ladies left and right. The boiling point is where he slapped my friend's ass. Naturally this pisses my friend off and she wants him to leave the party. But Cameron and Natalie come to his defense, stating that he obviously didn't mean anything from it because he's gay. Yeah, I guess they're only SJWs when it comes to race. They also insisted keeping at the party because they wanted to score coke from him.

Thankfully, this is the long awaited final nail in the coffin for my friend and she's FINALLY cutting these fuckers out of her life for good. Ellen's supposedly really pissed at them too.
 
TheMightyMonarch said:
They also insisted keeping at the party because they wanted to score coke from him.
Click to expand...

Even Apple isn't as much of a human rights violating entity as the international cocaine industry. They might as well have been murdering pee-oh-cees personally.
 
Oh hey, Butt Doctor update! Realized the picture I'd posted was his prison booking photo, but it didn't really capture his essence. Went looking for a better mugshot and fucking found it.

Now THIS is more the way I'd pictured him looking. Got a real Charles Manson vibe going on, don't you think?
ProfileImage.jpg
 
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