Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account
Apparently making videos reporting users and flagging their videos while BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWing to the staff about them are worth uploading.


EDIT: His video starring himself ranting about Cartoon Network:

 
Something of an update regarding my personal lolcow. I feel like I should preface this with the fact that she works two jobs, I think both part-time, and is going to school for fashion design.

Judging by the multitudes of cosplay photos and posts about her trips to out-of-state conventions that clog up my feed from time to time over the last several months, she has been pouring a lot of her earnings into her cosplay hobby. I also came to this conclusion after one of her younger brothers gave her some advice about how she should be saving her money and using her creativity for designing original work and not squandering it on derivative work.

Her response? "I'm working on it. I don't have my sketchbooks." *sigh*
 
RecordStoreToughGuy said:
er: 31"]From time to time I start to think about how everyone I ever metwoulds retarded and wonder if I even exist. Either way, I'll tell you about some more of them.

The Goddamn Deal
He was blind as a bat and white like my ass, not as hairy but twice as ugly. Many nicknames were given to him, mostly new and creative ways to insert poop into his name (Nickapoopolas, Ropoopnick, etc.), the most descriptive might be the albino rhino but in any case we all started calling him The Deal after he watched a lot of that Jersey Shore.

He did a lot of weird shit in his life but I'll only tell you about my favorite moments.

i) One day The Deal was hanging out with his pals and they decided to go to an ice cream place called The Creamy Treat. Legend tells that he let out the most putrid fart of his life in that car the day, and the smell did linger unnaturally long. After it followed him back home everyone started to suspect something was up, something along the lines of :briefs:. Duane (from Mauvman's Exceptional Individuals #2) asked if he shit his pants, iniatially The Deal denied these claims but eventually reached the compromise that it was only a streak of shit in his briefs. After some pestering for him to admit that he did, in fact, shit his pants at the Creamy Treat he had a bit of a Freudian slip type dealio. The Deal then said confidentally "I, The Deal, did not shit my pants at the Creamy Streak." Ever since then we've referred to shit stains as creamy streaks.

ii) For this next part The Deal was in a cast on one of his legs, he just had surgery on his knee I think and was walking with a cane and shit. He was hanging out in our friend's basement and realized he was bleeding. Since he was fat and couldn't reach his foot he asked Mack to wipe it for him. Mack responded by saying he wasn't going near his gross ass feet and he'd have to do it himself. At this point the deal was freaking the fuck out and asked Mack to call his mom to tell her about it for some reason. Meanwhile, Mack looked a bit closer at The Deal's foot and realized he wasn't bleeding at all, he just stepped on a red Jujube. Upon learning this The Deal reached for it and ate it.

That's Not A Diamond - A Willie Montenegro Picture
This one happened when I was like 7 so it's a bit more excusable than the others. Pokemon was a pretty rad thing to get into at the time and I was interested in obtaining a Game Shark despite having no real idea of how they worked or even what they were. This other kid, Bimmy had one though and was willing to sell me it for like 3 dollars. At the time I thought, gee willikers that's a right swell bargain, I will definitely be interested in completing this business transaction.

The next day I came back to school with 3 dollars to buy the Game Shark, and Bimmy came with something that I was quite confident wasn't a Game Shark. It was a spring loaded little thing that you put Hot Wheels cars in and then shoot them out when you hit a button. I didn't know what a Game Shark looked like, but I assumed it would probably say Game Shark on the side and look like it wasn't made for launching fucking hotwheels cars. I told him he better bring a real Game Shark tomorrow if he wanted my 3 dollars.

What he brought the next day was even less of a Game Shark, it was in fact the most blatant lie I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I whipped out my small handful of change and he whipped out a wad of aluminum foil. "That's not a Game Shark at all!" Mauvboy Shuffleboard exclaimed. Bimmy, the sly little bitch he was replied "It totally is, it's just an ancient (or possibly Asian, it was quite some time ago) Game Shark." I called bullshit and probably spent the 3 dollars on pizza.

Good With Wood
Dick was a man with a nearly supernatural knack for woodworking. Bitten by his radioactive carpenter father at a young age Dick used his wood powers for good, but this has almost nothing to do with any of the stories about him. Instead I'll tell you about the time he shit in a bag and the long reaching consequences of that choice.

It was a warm spring day in the woods behind Dick's house, we were probably 10 or 11 at the time. Since Dick's dad was a carpenter there was always a bunch of excess wood/palettes that was good for making forts and that was always a swell way to spend time. Except for the fact the forts never got finished and the woods were filled with barely started pieces of shit and Dick was the only one that did any actual work on them while his friend of the day watched.

Since we were human beings at the time and human beings have to shit it shouldn't surprise anyone that one day Dick had to take a crap. He went inside, as expected, that's where the bathroom is after all. He returned with a plastic bag which he brought into the woods with him, and shit in it. Then he threw the bag at a tree. Then he went back inside to wipe.

Fast forward to a few years later, no one knows except the both of us. Dick's starting to be a bit of a dick and I end up telling this story to our rowdy gang of pals. Apparently this story was the exact tipping point of tolerating him, and operation Bagpoop begins. Every time he shows up to where we're sitting, we just leave. And do so repeatedly until he realizes he's unwanted because apparently we're really passive aggressive.

Eventually he sits down in the cafeteria while most of us are done eating, so everyone leaves except Cripple Jim The One Armed Wonder. Dick asks about why everyone seems to leave. Cripple Jim is a quiet boy, real nice dude and wicked buff in his good arm, but even he has a limit to how much bullshit he can tolerate. He told Dick "We don't like you, you're a piece of shit and we don't have a big enough bag to fit you in."

In other news, he apparently hates gays to the point that seeing a pride parade made him physically ill. Weird.

Dr. Bodypillow - Or How I Learned What it Feels Like to Get My Nipple Sucked By a Man
Dr. Bodypillow baffles me to this day, he's a little unsettling in every way but everyone liked him more than me. He has upwards of 50 GB of anime porn on his computer and brags about it as well as the folder maze it is obscured by that supposedly has several thousand options and a sexy anime minotaur girl guarding it. When he showed people his new bodypillow case design to people they were all honestly excited to see it and thought it was "sick" (and in the taha, tchyeah sense too).

One time he ate loose chicken out of a bag. Nothing I can even say about that. It's just unnatural.

The more important time is the time he needed a quarter though, I was in the possession of several quarters and shirtless at the time (...ladies :tomgirl:) and didn't much feel like giving him one. So I offered him a quarter if he sucked my titty operating under the assumption that nobody wants to suck my titties because my torso looks like a cross between Chunk from the Goonies and Donkey Kong. Without any hesitation his lips wrapped around my areola and I think there might have been some tongue action too. Gross. I gave him several quarters and never asked anyone to suck on my titties in jest since. Just goes to show you there are strange people that you shouldn't put anything past.

Jesus Christ versus Bart Simpson
What happens when a sheltered Christian kid taught that pokemon is a sin encounters a Simpsons themed lamp while visiting a friend's house? This portly little motherfucker took his socks off, balled them up and threw them at the lamp, knocking it over and shattering it. Saving the world from the evil influence of Bart Simpson. No one would ever have a cow again and shorts would go uneaten, all thanks to the kid that pissed in the basement because he didn't want to walk all the way upstairs.

How to Make Girls Cry
Remember that not Y2K time the world was going to end? Not the Mayan thing either, it was some time in like fucking May 2010-2012, I forget exactly when because it was the shittiest apocalypse ever. There was a girl, quite possibly the dumbest person I met that wasn't retarded. She thought she peed out her butt at the age of 17 and that Christopher Columbus and Santa Claus were the same person. So it goes without saying that she thought the world was going to end that day. I asked Dick (See above) to pass me some catsup in her general vicinity and she flipped shit at my pronunciation of ketchup before retreating into the bathroom to cry. These days I think she's fucked up on drugs and has a kid.

People are strange these days.

If you wrote a blog about these people in this e


Holy shit dude, your stories crack me up. If you put these in a blog I wo


Holy shit dude, these cracked me up. If you wrote them up in a blog I would read the fuck out of it.
Click to expand...
So much is wrong with this post layout.
 
post: 218581 said:
So much is wrong with this post layout.
Click to expand...
Yeah, my tablet spazzed out on me. Also I may have had too much tequila for cinqo de mayo. O_o

Either way I would still read the fuck oyt of Mauvman's blog.
 
I've been wanting to tell this story for awhile, but here goes nothing:

She was a part of our group and like any IRL lolcow, we didn't really see too much that was off at first. I'll call her Jenny. But, as the months went by, we realized a few things were off. She was easily offended. Apparently, one of our members (who I shall henceforth refer to as Dean) joked that she would be outside of someone's house naked, bloody and wielding steak knives. She did not like that at all due to her being accused of stalking a man. When same joked about her being a pedophile due to her being attracted to someone ten years younger than her (she's 32, but we didn't know exactly how old she was at the time), she flew into a rage. She became obsessed with a member in our group who I shall call Marcus. Marcus showed some interest in her, but nothing beyond being a friend. Honestly, it reminded me of Chris and Megan, but the genders being reversed. She would constantly RP with him. She thought it was love. He was just lonely. Of course, eventually, she wanted to meet with him. One big problem, though. Jenny lives in North Carolina and Marcus lives in Arizona. We were planning a get together at the head of our group's family's summer house up in New England (I'll call him Frank). Frank was going to pick up a girl named Kristina and Dean. I was supposed to pick up Jenny and another guy named Sammy. I then friend her on Facebook and I start talking to her. It's here that I start realizing just how crazy she really is. Long story short, this woman wants to move out of her mom's house without getting a job first. And she wants to move in with me.

You see, this is a woman who has never had a job, doesn't have a driver's license, repeated the ninth grade and as I said before is 32 years old. I tell Frank this and when he asks me her age, I told him to guess higher. Frank starts freaking out at how old Jenny is and tells me do not under any circumstances to allow her to move in with you. I tell Jenny that I cannot allow her to live with me and then her mom kicks her out and makes her move into a trailer where she'd pay rent. Jenny then sends me a message blaming me for her circumstances. Number one, she never had a job, ever. She didn't bathe daily (for starters, she's 5'1" and somewhere between 200-250 pounds, I never asked but she did say she weighed at least 200 lbs so things would've gotten bad quick) and she wanted to use me to get closer to her crush. Fast forward to when to when the trip takes place. I get a GPS and my plan was to stay at a hotel in Kentucky and then pick her up in North Carolina. That night, her mother has to be rushed to a hospital due to having an allergic reaction to onions. Realizing that Jenny had saved up only $130 for the trip (if she even saved up money at all), I realized that the right moment to cut her loose had come. I also realized that I didn't have nearly enough money to pick her and Sammy up. I told her that she should probably not go on the trip if her mother was in the hospital. I then tell Sammy that I can't due to not having enough money. Looking back, I feel horrible for not picking Sammy up and that's honestly my biggest regret about the whole trip. Sammy's actually cool and I hate that he was a casualty of all this drama. While I'm up there, Jenny freaks out on Frank and Kristina about how I ditched her. They're PISSED at me, calling me a liar and I almost got kicked out of our group. I decided to drive down to North Carolina to rectify my mistake. I message her and she decides that she doesn't want to be picked up because "I don't ride with liars!". I then decide to get her a bus ticket so she can go up here. She doesn't want that either. And I'm paying for this, mind.

Anyway, everything worked out between Frank, Kristina and I and we actually really enjoyed each other's company. So, I drive Kristina back to her house in Pennsylvania and I catch a Pirates game on the way back. I go back to Missouri, talk to Frank and Kristina about how we should do this again, story should end right? Hell no. Jenny. is. PISSED. Of course, she tried to hide it with fake pity for Kristina. She said that I was going to rape her. I'm a big Chiefs/Royals fan, so she assumed that I'm a jock. I'm also a huge fan of Pokemon, Mega Man, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. So, because Kristina is kind of a nerd, Jenny assumed that I would have my way with her like it was some episode of Degrassi or some other bullshit. Most I ever did with Kristina was hold her hand and that was due to me driving through fucking West Virginia at night and we were both quite frightened. And that's the most I'll ever do to Kristina because Pine Tar doesn't fuck with people in relationships. What she is really is pissed about two things. Frank and Kristina got into a relationship. And, that I went to see a baseball game and went to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton after not picking her up. The thing is, those two combined cost $63. And gas to pick her up from the hotel I was at in Kentucky alone would have cost me $120 just one way. Remember, she repeated the ninth grade in a rural American high school. Not the brightest bulb by any standards. Anyway, Sammy was cool with me buying a book of his and that's how I apologized to him. Jenny, however, demands that I apologize to her in front of everyone in the group. Dean tells her that's a dumb idea and it will only cause more drama. But, me wanting this behind me, I accept her demands. I apologize to her in front of everyone in the chatroom and Frank has to tell her how to take an apology. Frank is in his early 20's and he has to tell a woman in her early 30's how to accept an apology. He's actually irate about this. Like legit irate. So, Frank and Dean decide to split the chatroom while Frank is at college. Frank doesn't want to deal with this horsecrap and quite frankly, neither did anyone. And here is where the story takes a massive turn for the creepy. Jenny decideds that the best way to win over her object of affection is to make a doll out of him.

marsmar_doll_wip_by_hotaruthodt_by_alcoholic_legend-d6vfd9u.jpg


Everyone is massively creeped out by it save for Marcus and that's only because he didn't want to offend her by saying that he was creeped out too. Anyway, she continued to cause bullshit over minor issues for the next three months until Kristina decides to ban her ass permanently from the main chatroom.

Jenny's Demands:

-Tell Dean to never spam anymore pony ass. Ever.
-Reset button so my young boy character is not violated.
-Tell Dean to stop violating Marcus and find his own goddamn sweetheart.
-And have my Marcus use the combined power of love and science to beam me back.

Other things:
-Dean was aware of Chris and joked about how his ass looked like Jenny's tits.
-Their family burned their house for insurance money
-She hoards cats
-She asked us for painkillers for her cats
-She claims to be bipolar and bisexual (but, it's fairly obvious that she's neither)
-This isn't the first time she's driven people and it won't be the last
-Jenny claims that her mother wanted me to fuck Jenny
-She propostioned a 16-year old member of the group called Carson. Two things: Carson likes pickles and he's half her age. Carson also didn't like Marcus and Jenny flew into a rage against him demanding why he thought her husbando could be anything less than perfect. Plus, she used Carson to prop her up emotionally. Think about that, a 32-year old woman trying to get a 16-year old kid to emotionally prop her up. who's already got enough problems being openly gay in a small-conservative town. Yeah. She called Carson the "King of (Emotional) Wrecks" because of his dealing with his issues.
-Kristina wanted to ban Jenny before the trip due to her causing drama.
-She's been going to community college for 10 years and she's not even close to graduation.
-When Marcus snapped and got himself banned from the group, he started spamming dicks on our group's page using Goggles. Everyone knew it was Marcus because it was his style and he used a lot of inside jokes of the group. Marcus claimed he was at a movie.
-She spied on everyone using a program to see if they were in the chatroom or not.
 
Last edited:
Pine Tar said:
I've been wanting to tell this story for awhile, but here goes nothing:

She was a part of our group and like any IRL lolcow, we didn't really see too much that was off at first. I'll call her Jenny. But, as the months went by, we realized a few things were off. She was easily offended. Apparently, one of our members (who I shall henceforth refer to as Dean) joked that she would be outside of someone's house naked, bloody and wielding steak knives. She did not like that at all due to her being accused of stalking a man. When same joked about her being a pedophile due to her being attracted to someone ten years younger than her (she's 32, but we didn't know exactly how old she was at the time), she flew into a rage. She became obsessed with a member in our group who I shall call Marcus. Marcus showed some interest in her, but nothing beyond being a friend. Honestly, it reminded me of Chris and Megan, but the genders being reversed. She would constantly RP with him. She thought it was love. He was just lonely. Of course, eventually, she wanted to meet with him. One big problem, though. Jenny lives in North Carolina and Marcus lives in Arizona. We were planning a get together at the head of our group's family's summer house up in New England (I'll call him Frank). Frank was going to pick up a girl named Kristina and Dean. I was supposed to pick up Jenny and another guy named Sammy. I then friend her on Facebook and I start talking to her. It's here that I start realizing just how crazy she really is. Long story short, this woman wants to move out of her mom's house without getting a job first. And she wants to move in with me.

You see, this is a woman who has never had a job, doesn't have a driver's license, repeated the ninth grade and as I said before is 32 years old. I tell Frank this and when he asks me her age, I told him to guess higher. Frank starts freaking out at how old Jenny is and tells me do not under any circumstances to allow her to move in with you. I tell Jenny that I cannot allow her to live with me and then her mom kicks her out and makes her move into a trailer where she'd pay rent. Jenny then sends me a message blaming me for her circumstances. Number one, she never had a job, ever. She didn't bathe daily (for starters, she's 5'1" and somewhere between 200-250 pounds, I never asked but she did say she weighed at least 200 lbs so things would've gotten bad quick) and she wanted to use me to get closer to her crush. Fast forward to when to when the trip takes place. I get a GPS and my plan was to stay at a hotel in Kentucky and then pick her up in North Carolina. That night, her mother has to be rushed to a hospital due to having an allergic reaction to onions. Realizing that Jenny had saved up only $130 for the trip (if she even saved up money at all), I realized that the right moment to cut her loose had come. I also realized that I didn't have nearly enough money to pick her and Sammy up. I told her that she should probably not go on the trip if her mother was in the hospital. I then tell Sammy that I can't due to not having enough money. Looking back, I feel horrible for not picking Sammy up and that's honestly my biggest regret about the whole trip. Sammy's actually cool and I hate that he was a casualty of all this drama. While I'm up there, Jenny freaks out on Frank and Kristina about how I ditched her. They're PISSED at me, calling me a liar and I almost got kicked out of our group. I decided to drive down to North Carolina to rectify my mistake. I message her and she decides that she doesn't want to be picked up because "I don't ride with liars!". I then decide to get her a bus ticket so she can go up here. She doesn't want that either. And I'm paying for this, mind.

Anyway, everything worked out between Frank, Kristina and I and we actually really enjoyed each other's company. So, I drive Kristina back to her house in Pennsylvania and I catch a Pirates game on the way back. I go back to Missouri, talk to Frank and Kristina about how we should do this again, story should end right? Hell no. Jenny. is. PISSED. Of course, she tried to hide it with fake pity for Kristina. She said that I was going to rape her. I'm a big Chiefs/Royals fan, so she assumed that I'm a jock. I'm also a huge fan of Pokemon, Mega Man, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. So, because Kristina is kind of a nerd, Jenny assumed that I would have my way with her like it was some episode of Degrassi or some other bullshit. Most I ever did with Kristina was hold her hand and that was due to me driving through fucking West Virginia at night and we were both quite frightened. And that's the most I'll ever do to Kristina because Pine Tar doesn't fuck with people in relationships. What she is really is pissed about two things. Frank and Kristina got into a relationship. And, that I went to see a baseball game and went to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton after not picking her up. The thing is, those two combined cost $63. And gas to pick her up from the hotel I was at in Kentucky alone would have cost me $120 just one way. Remember, she repeated the ninth grade in a rural American high school. Not the brightest bulb by any standards. Anyway, Sammy was cool with me buying a book of his and that's how I apologized to him. Jenny, however, demands that I apologize to her in front of everyone in the group. Dean tells her that's a dumb idea and it will only cause more drama. But, me wanting this behind me, I accept her demands. I apologize to her in front of everyone in the chatroom and Frank has to tell her how to take an apology. Frank is in his early 20's and he has to tell a woman in her early 30's how to accept an apology. He's actually irate about this. Like legit irate. So, Frank and Dean decide to split the chatroom while Frank is at college. Frank doesn't want to deal with this horsecrap and quite frankly, neither did anyone. And here is where the story takes a massive turn for the creepy. Jenny decideds that the best way to win over her object of affection is to make a doll out of him.

View attachment 1698

Everyone is massively creeped out by it save for Marcus and that's only because he didn't want to offend her by saying that he was creeped out too. Anyway, she continued to cause bullshit over minor issues for the next three months until Kristina decides to ban her ass permanently from the main chatroom.

Jenny's Demands:

-Tell Dean to never spam anymore pony ass. Ever.
-Reset button so my young boy character is not violated.
-Tell Dean to stop violating Marcus and find his own goddamn sweetheart.
-And have my Marcus use the combined power of love and science to beam me back.

Other things:
-Dean was aware of Chris and joked about how his ass looked like Jenny's tits.
-Their family burned their house for insurance money
-She hoards cats
-She asked us for painkillers for her cats
-She claims to be bipolar and bisexual (but, it's fairly obvious that she's neither)
-This isn't the first time she's driven people and it won't be the last
-Jenny claims that her mother wanted me to fuck Jenny
-She propostioned a 16-year old member of the group called Carson. Two things: Carson likes pickles and he's half her age. Carson also didn't like Marcus and Jenny flew into a rage against him demanding why he thought her husbando could be anything less than perfect. Plus, she used Carson to prop her up emotionally. Think about that, a 32-year old woman trying to get a 16-year old kid to emotionally prop her up. who's already got enough problems being openly gay in a small-conservative town. Yeah. She called Carson the "King of (Emotional) Wrecks" because of his dealing with his issues.
-Kristina wanted to ban Jenny before the trip due to her causing drama.
-She's been going to community college for 10 years and she's not even close to graduation.
-When Marcus snapped and got himself banned from the group, he started spamming dicks on our group's page using Goggles. Everyone knew it was Marcus because it was his style and he used a lot of inside jokes of the group. Marcus claimed he was at a movie.
-She spied on everyone using a program to see if they were in the chatroom or not.
Click to expand...

How recently was she banned?
 
RecordStoreToughGuy said:
Yeah, my tablet spazzed out on me. Also I may have had too much tequila for cinqo de mayo. O_o

Either way I would still read the fuck oyt of Mauvman's blog.
Click to expand...
I made some other posts in this thread, somewhere or other (here they all are for anyone interested).
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4


But it is time once again to write about strange people I know about, now including the power of online socialization!

Honour Roll My Ass
Sometimes you meet a person that seems pretty dumb but you figure out later on they're actually smart. This is in no way an example of that. I'll call this girl Audrey because I don't know how to spell her actual name and it kind of sounds close. Audrey and I went to the same highschool for a few years but she was a year behind so weren't in the same classes, everything I heard about her is second hand. But just as with smoking, it's just as dangerous that way.

To start, I personally suspect that she was in a constant state of being really fucking high because it's the only explanation that I think makes any sense. She was in advanced classes or whatever, but said some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Unfortunately I can't remember much of it.

Since I wasn't ever present around her I can't go into much detail about it, but here are some quick examples.
1) She mixed up Christopher Columbus and Santa Claus and forgot which one wasn't real.
2) She was surprised that they had clothes back in the 1940s (though that is a step up from Obofo who didn't think they had cats).
3) She didn't know that Jews actually existed (or the holocaust happened for that matter)

The only anecdote I have about her is about the time she participated in something the sociology class set up. She walked into the class for some reason and there was a bottle of water sitting on the desk. The class was determined to get the first person that walked in to grab the bottle using only nonverbal communication, such as gesturing toward it and shit like that. During that time nobody was talking and everyone just stared at her as she stood there, absolutely bewildered. After only a mere half hour of encouragement, she grabbed the water bottle. At least she was cute.

Child Labour and Other Delightful Tales
This next fellow was a teacher at that same highschool and I'm convinced they're just Audrey from the future, except kind gross looking. I purposely avoided taking any classes they taught because they're just a flat out bad teacher, and kind of annoying too. But my friends couldn't avoid her entirely and they got to experience the wonder of being taught by a pinhead.

I'll start off with what my sister told me just the other day, she asked how long the cold war lasted or something of the sort. One of the students said it started mid forties, ended early nineties so that's like 45ish years. The teacher said that the kid was cheating or being unfair because he used math.

Her difficulties with math were apparent in a couple instances, like when she was pitying those poor child labourers that worked 40 hours a day 8 days a week. Or when she was trying to buy two grilled cheeses from down an entire hallway for less the cost of one. Side note: There was a huge line for the grilled cheese and she tried to buy one by yelling down the hall while the guy making them told her she didn't have enough money and even if she did she'd have to get in line.

Needless to say her classes were something of a joke, she showed movies a lot of the time and took ages to set up the VCR/DVD player. The best example was in my friend's Canadian Families class (the class itself would be a joke even without her, it's one of those classes that exist just to give credits to kids too stupid to do real classes so they can graduate and fuck off, like literally nothing is taught in it). They spent 15 minutes waiting for her to get it set up and they watched the first half to three separate episodes of Friends because the teacher wanted to show them a scene but couldn't remember which episode it was in. That was the entire class.

There was also the squared thing that my pal really disliked. In my magical mystical homeland Mauvman is a pretty common first name, we had like 10 in our school of ~500 dudes. Two Mauvmen happened to be in one of the classes she taught and she called them Mauvman squared. My pal disliked this because in no way were they being multiplied and if they were it'd be gross.

What Are Toasters For?
Tubby the Fatass had a few issues with his weight, as you may have gathered by me calling him "Tubby the Fatass." He was huge in all directions except inwards, and his heart (which would later fail during a rousing game of Call of Duty at the age of 15) was two sizes too small. His speaking voice was an unconvincing falsetto and his throat seemed to be growing some sort of bark on it, though at other times it looked like he smeared shit all over it. But most important of all, he was an asshole.

He added one of my friends on the Xbox Live (I think they were cousins) and we played some games with him a few times, but the only reason we kept him around was to make fun of him. He was a few years younger than the rest of us and kept asking us such riddles as "What do cows drink? NOT MILK, YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR SAYING MILK" and "STOP CALLING ME NAMES GUYS," but the one about toasters would always be the best. We were playing Halo or something and we were shooting the dudes and getting shot at by the dudes, and the rest of us were trying to coordinate the dude shooting into the same general direction, usual game type things. All the while he kept trying to ruse us into saying you put toast into a toaster so he could say "NOT TOAST, YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR SAYING TOAST" but he got flustered a lot and ended up just repeating "WHAT ARE TOASTERS FOR?" the entire match.

There was also the time someone said "suck my dick" in his general direction and he retorted with "how about I suck your balls instead?" He was such a pinhead.

Help me Obi-Wan
I'm not sure if it feels like it to anyone else, but everyone named Jimmy is a dipshit. Another jackass I tolerate sometimes brought him in to play D&D or something but he clearly wasn't interested (which in itself isn't a problem, buddy dragging him in to play anyway made it suck). He stuck around for a while but we all wanted him to leave, his character ended up drowning in a sewer.

But much like a gremlin, when you feed them after midnight they start fucking up your minecraft server (worst segue 2014). After that jackass I sometimes tolerate invited him to D&D he brought Jimmy to the group (excluding me because I think Minecraft is a piece of shit) Minecraft server and he started putting in the cheats, breaking shit and stealing stuff. When everyone called him out on his crap he denied it, but he was really shit at convincing anyone. Like he was holding the thing he claimed he didn't steal while denying it.

He was then promptly banned from the chat dealie, minecraft server and all that jazz. Since I was the only one not to explain to him exactly how he was an annoying piece of shit he sent me a message on steam, which I kept just because it was amazing.
"[...]please i am perma blocked and basned from skaya please help me and pled my case i need a friend and u and my only hope. tell skaya that u think i can improve"

Being his friend, and me, and his only hope I told everyone that he sent me that message and we all called him a dipshit together, in glorious harmony.

A Strange Fellow
This dude's actually pretty swell and is one of my buddies now, but there was a time in his life where he was chubby, emo and an asshole. This is about that time in his life and is almost entirely based on my misunderstandings and rumors. But I choose to believe anyway, because it's a lot more interesting.

He came to the school in like grade 8 or something and the first thing he said to me was "I like washing old people." Later I would come to learn it was a Spongebob reference, but that was not really a good first impression.

I didn't hear much more about him for a while, other than he had a strange fixation on short emo girls, to the point that that phrase became sort of his catchphrase. Then I learned of his interactions with one such short emo girl. He bit her purse a lot, stole some tampons (and kept them for years) and somehow got another man's semen on his chest as an indirect result of asking to put on her sweater. Which is kind of gross, but that's just my opinion in this site okay?

Speaking of semen, there's the time he masturbated into an onion at a birthday party. Or there isn't that time, because I later learned I had somehow fabricated that accusation. But for 6 fucking years I was under the impression that that did in fact happen and he was my friend anyway.

Moral of the story: there's a little skeleton inside all of us, and some of us are inside onions, except not really.
 
On this one site I frequent, The Escapist, there's this one guy called Eternalnothingness (currently called Commander_PonyShep as this site allows you to change your username whenever you want.).

He's obsessed with My Little Pony, Sonic, AND Mass Effect. And nearly all of his threads have him talking about stuff such as ME3's ending (of which he constantly brings up even to this day) how he hates how useless Sonic's friends apparently are, and of course bitches about MLP.

His latest thread (as of now)

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...finale-discussion-predictions-SPOILERS?page=1

has him talking about how the princesses will be killed off at the end of season 4 and how how Twilight will outlive her friends and spend the rest of her life alone and mourning for her friends. Despite the fact that this is a show about technicolor ponies aimed towards little girls and how that kind of thing would be pretty inconsistent with the overall tone of the show.

Typical sperg brony right? Well...

https://twitter.com/WanWeengedAnjil

Basically, his twitter feed comprises of him constantly asking the creators of the show about stuff that they're not allowed to answer, such as what will happen at the end of season 4. And he asks the same questions over. And over. And over. AND OVER again.

He usually asks them in the dumbest ways possible:

"Will Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Spike die in the MLP Season 4 finale? No spoilers, please."

He also raged at a guy called Adam Sessler for apparently hating on Sonic's friends for FIVE. FUCKING. MONTHS.

He also has an inflation fetish:

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...orite-part-of-todays-MLP-FiM-episode-SPOILERS

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...ugs-Bunny-cartoons-where-Bugs-has-a-big-belly

Needless to say, he's a pretty enjoyable source of entertainment for me and people on The Escapist.
 
Last edited:
scorptatious said:
On this one site I frequent, The Escapist, there's this one guy called Eternalnothingness (currently called Commander_PonyShep as this site allows you to change your username whenever you want.).

He's obsessed with My Little Pony, Sonic, AND Mass Effect. And nearly all of his threads have him talking about stuff such as ME3's ending (of which he constantly brings up even to this day) how he hates how useless Sonic's friends apparently are, and of course bitches about MLP.

His latest thread (as of now)

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...finale-discussion-predictions-SPOILERS?page=1

has him talking about how the princesses will be killed off at the end of season 4 and how how Twilight will outlive her friends and spend the rest of her life alone and mourning for her friends. Despite the fact that this is a show about technicolor ponies aimed towards little girls and how that kind of thing would be pretty inconsistent with the overall tone of the show.

Typical sperg brony right? Well...

https://twitter.com/WanWeengedAnjil

Basically, his twitter feed comprises of him constantly asking the creators of the show about stuff that they're not allowed to answer, such as what will happen at the end of season 4. And he asks the same questions over. And over. And over. AND OVER again.

He usually asks them in the dumbest ways possible:

"Will Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Spike die in the MLP Season 4 finale? No spoilers, please."

He also has an inflation fetish:

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...orite-part-of-todays-MLP-FiM-episode-SPOILERS

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...ugs-Bunny-cartoons-where-Bugs-has-a-big-belly

Needless to say, he's a pretty enjoyable source of entertainment for me and people on The Escapist.
Click to expand...

And+what+if+she+is+_527f4ce288ad8ca8370974ca041529a0.png


I say. A most disturbing individual indeed.
 
The community I grew up in had a Star Wars FanForce, and the founder of it was an retard. I don't believe it exists anymore since we grew up and the new generation of Star Wars fans are troglodytes.
Lets call him Gabriel, we arent friends anymore IMO. Anyway he always had a little bit of an unhealthy interest in Natalie Portman (nothing wrong with that. She's one of the hottest white women of all time.) but when Episode I came out, it pushed him over the edge. We were playing the Star Wars RPG at the time, and he was an ok GM. Before Episode II at least, thats when things got really autistic. But Padmé had way too much significance in the games he made up. Anyway, around the time Episode II came out, we were basically playing his sex fantasies. Complete with Anakin complaining he wasn't getting any over a Holocom,that was a common thing for him, I dont know why. He had a fanfiction book that we found at one point and since he was out,we read for shits and giggles. It was fetishitistic as hell, the main thing was femdom, but not against him, IIRC they were self inserts, so like Anakin got teased and denied and Bounty Hunter Gabriel or Jedi Gabriel came and got laid in front of Anakin and Anakin bitched and got off. Not kidding, that was 90% of his Fanfiction. He also had a custom made T-shirt that said "Are you an Angel from the moons of lego?" And had Padmé holding her breasts. And he didnt just wear it to the FanForce, he wore it as much as he could. In fact there was a game that he made up about Padmé giving the group playing a quest, and the one who did the quest the best got to fuck her. He got kicked out of the group eventually, and he runs a Padmé/Anakin fansite called Moons of lego now.We havent talked in ages. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I could tell more stories about this guy if you want me to.
 
Fishkill said:
The community I grew up in had a Star Wars FanForce, and the founder of it was an exceptional individual. I don't believe it exists anymore since we grew up and the new generation of Star Wars fans are troglodytes.
Lets call him Gabriel, we arent friends anymore IMO. Anyway he always had a little bit of an unhealthy interest in Natalie Portman (nothing wrong with that. She's one of the hottest white women of all time.) but when Episode I came out, it pushed him over the edge. We were playing the Star Wars RPG at the time, and he was an ok GM. Before Episode II at least, thats when things got really autistic. But Padmé had way too much significance in the games he made up. Anyway, around the time Episode II came out, we were basically playing his sex fantasies. Complete with Anakin complaining he wasn't getting any over a Holocom,that was a common thing for him, I dont know why. He had a fanfiction book that we found at one point and since he was out,we read for shits and giggles. It was fetishitistic as hell, the main thing was femdom, but not against him, IIRC they were self inserts, so like Anakin got teased and denied and Bounty Hunter Gabriel or Jedi Gabriel came and got laid in front of Anakin and Anakin bitched and got off. Not kidding, that was 90% of his Fanfiction. He also had a custom made T-shirt that said "Are you an Angel from the moons of lego?" And had Padmé holding her breasts. And he didnt just wear it to the FanForce, he wore it as much as he could. In fact there was a game that he made up about Padmé giving the group playing a quest, and the one who did the quest the best got to fuck her. He got kicked out of the group eventually, and he runs a Padmé/Anakin fansite called Moons of lego now.We havent talked in ages. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I could tell more stories about this guy if you want me to.
Click to expand...

Please do.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom