Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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Another one of my IMDb spergs. This one is a literal neck-bearded fedora wearer. He's a Nostalgia Critic fan too, although his main obsession is Chloe Grace Moretz:
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He's also written hundreds of long, rambling reviews for episodes of Home Improvement and Little House on the Prairie:
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I knew a lolcow who lived in my community that used to visit a swim club that I live near. My brothers and I used to trade Pokemon cards with some of the other kids during the adult swims at the pool, and that's how we met him. He didn't seem like a bad guy at first, but then around the time his grandmother died, he got pretty bad.

He tried forcing himself on other people using his grandmother's death as an excuse. And his mother was a serious enabler. I described in the SJW thread how I lived in a community full of stuck ups, and this woman was one of them. Whenever someone refused to let her special little snowflake hang out with them, she would get up in their faces and tell them that they had to. These kids of course would tell their parents about it and raise a stink about it with her. And when the mother wasn't trying to dump her son on other people, she was bragging about how both she and her family were all top quality citizens of our community.

On a brighter note, J seemed to mellow out by the time he was in high school and seemed to become a better person. He even made a few kids when he joined the band. Though to this day, I wonder if he may have been autistic...
 
This guy is somebody from DeviantArt that I've known for a while. He's not too bad but sometimes his attitude can be intolerable.

The main thing being that he whines. About everything. He whines that he doesn't have enough time to draw, but he has plenty of time to do his 'Friday Night Rituals' which consist of stuffing his face with food, watching Star Trek and music videos and recording this said ritual and uploading them onto the internet.

Then he whines that people don't pay enough attention to his art. He draws at least once every six months and it's almost always the same characters. In the same pose. Sometimes in a different outfit, but they're mostly standing and grinning inanely. And he tends to shoehorn them into every conversation with little to no provocation and expects everyone to know them inside out and gush about them as often as he does. He's also a comment beggar. He goes around begging for comments on his art and videos when he hardly ever leaves any himself unless the piece contains his characters in them.

There's a "Whose Line is it Anyway?" art jam I've participated in and he whined about that too. About how he desperately wanted to join in but he couldn't because he "couldn't think of a joke" and that the jam was "too hard" for him to do. First off, if you watch Whose Line, then it's pretty easy to make a simple situation funny with just a few phrases and your imagination. Secondly, he's not even a fan of Whose Line is it Anyway. That's like complaining that the line to go on the roller-coaster is too long, but you don't even like roller-coasters. The mind boggles.

This one incident really made me feel that I was being taken for granted by him. A few days before my birthday he showed me a sketch of my characters he did as a surprise. He said he probably wouldn't have it done on time for my birthday, but he said he'd finish it as soon as he could. I thought it was nice of him to tell me in advance, so I thanked him and let him know I was grateful. Around 3 months after my birthday I was hosting a Livestream and he piped up to ask me if I was going to finish a bunch of sketches I did for him. It took me a while to remember what he was talking about, but then I realised he was talking about some sketch requests I did almost a year ago which I had lost due to my computer crashing. He then berated me on how I should always keep my promises and finish things off when I said I would. I then remembered the birthday picture, so I asked him if he had finished it yet. He then got all defensive and listed off a mile of excuses on how he "didn't feel inspired enough" and that he had "very little creative mojo". After the stream he sent me the progress of the picture. In the span of three months he had inked one of the two characters and that's all. So he pretty much told me he didn't finish it because he couldn't be bothered. And then he has the gall to complain when people don't draw him a picture for his birthday.
 
Another brief Lolcow from high school

This guy was a strange Christian fanatic wigger. Aside from doing (terrible) rap songs, he would sometimes go on these long and utterly retarded rants about the bible and how God will judge us all. Normally I ignored this clown, except for this one time in senior year. We were watching a 9/11 documentary done by another student (my high school was also dedicated to making movies). At one point, footage of people jumping from the burning Twin Towers was shown. After the movie, this jackass said "Well, all those people that jumped, they're all burning in hell, because it's a sin to kill yourself" I looked at him afterwards and thought "I would love to see this guy say that in front of someone who lost family/friends/co-workers on that day" The cummupance he'd get would be epic.
 
Haven't managed to get into this thread that much, but I guess I should.

I might as well share the real reason why I think ED (to lesser extent) and CWCki are awesome. Because they kind of relate to what I did years ago. They keep the spirit alive.

The first lolcow I ran into was a fellow by the name of Sami Sihvonen, in the 1990s and early 2000s.

Yes, this was before the Internet got popular. Sihvonen made his name widely known in Finnish dial-up BBS world. (And, of course, that's his real name. People were more cool about using their real names in BBS days.) I wasn't around at the time, but his first act was to show up in BBSes in mid-1995 as "Tintti" or "Alexandra", and she was running her own BBS or something. Of course, the first reaction to that from the BBS users was OMG A GIRL ON THE INTERWEB BBSES???!?! LET'S GIVE HER ALL THE STUFF!!!! - but of course, after ending up in gigantic flamewars and showing up under his real name as Tintti's "brother", people started smelling a hint of fishiness. He finally came clean about this in the end of 1995. He showed up in the Usenet toward the end of 1990s, and had his own web page too.

Of course, pretending to be a girl was by far not the only thing that made him controversial - he generally had some... odd opinions about technology, and thus he tended to ignite all sorts of flamewars. He kind of had the DarkSydePhil-esque attitude of saying all sorts of programs/operating systems were crap when he actually just couldn't comprehend them. He was also a gigantic Microsoft fan (remember that this was the era when Windows was justifiably everyone's least favourite operating system), and though Windows NT was totally godly. He also kept saying that he had an unbelievably powerful computer that had all the bells and whistles and had a broadband internet connection in his home (in 1990s that would have been pretty much unavailable for average users). Of course, IPs in his Usenet posts pointed to the local library, or other free Internet access points. Hmm...

And he generally made a gigantic nuisance of himself in Linux discussion groups. He constantly bragged about the geeky power-user tricks he had done, and then complained that Linux is sooooo unusable and unstable (as a direct result of his tricks of course) and Windows NT is totally where it's at. ("I don't think average user should need to binary-patch the kernel with gdb, that is pretty far from user-friendly!")
(Worth noting is that the father of Linux, Linus Torvalds, usually didn't have time to participate in the Finnish Usenet groups related to Linux. The only time I saw him show up in there was to offer a reply to him. "Oh, Sami-boy really knows what he's talking about. Not." - Linus Torvalds)

So, you may be asking, where's the connection to CWCki and related projects?
People were documenting and analysing his weirdness.
In the bloody BBS era.
People started discussing him in the FidoNet, and uploading files containg evidence and analysis of his behaviour. These files then got widely distributed.
When the web rolled about, people started making web pages about him.
Funny thing, Sihvonen even had the gall to create his own finet.* Usenet group (basically the Finnish equivalent of alt.* hierarchy where everyone can create Usenet groups). He said that he had set up group rules and that he had the right to "retroactively moderate" the group - of course, the actual group creation message was blank and there was no mention of moderation anywhere, thus making it an unmoderated discussion group. (Never mind that Usenet has no "retroactive" moderation to begin with...) Of course, people immediately used the group to discuss his weird antics elsewhere in he Usenet.
And I even made a stab at making a FAQ of him at the time, too. Prelude to all this CWCkiesque stuff we see today.

So where is he now? Hell if I know. The thing is, he was kind of notorious, and these days, it's good to see that if you behave like a dick, people generally start discussions online. Back when he was still actively in the Usenet, I recall him bragging several times about how he abused welfare programs. He also had the penchant for various shady businesses, as I recall. In the following years, he apparently sold a bunch of stuff online (cell phones, DVDs, whatever), received money but never shipped the goods, and kept doing that despite of getting caught and getting convicted (I can't remember the exact details though), and started using various fake names too. And yeah, I only know about this because somehow, people keep bringing up this stuff online.
 
I met this girl in middle school. We became fast friends, but it would take some time before I realized she had some screws loose.

So I became friends with a girl named who I'll call Katie. I met her in the 8th grade, and she was 15 years old, so she had been held back at some point. She was bisexual, pagan/wiccan, pro-life, and at that time, "gothic". She lived on the bad side of town, in the projects. She wasn't very smart, no matter how much you tried to explain something to her it always goes over her head.

She wrote a lot of terrible poetry and stories. I seriously regret not capping it at the time, for it was all deleted when she would delete her myspace just to make a new one a week later. There was a lot a lulzy stuff.

The first time I remember thinking that something wasn't right with her was when she started dating this guy at school. He was in 6th grade, so that made him 11-12 years old. Granted he looked like he could easily pass for a high school kid, but still, it was pretty fuckin' weird. They broke up after a week or two though, and he told her "it's not you, it's me."

About a month or two later she starts dating another guy, I'll call him Mark. Mark was 28-years-old. I immediately told her she was being stupid, which she didn't like and she stopped talking to me. Good riddance right? Well, it wasn't long, for she crawled right back to me a few months later. She told me that she dated him because he was suicidal and she was afraid that if she didn't he would hurt himself, and that he also had a kid. Again, I told her she was being stupid. Some time later he was arrested and in prison for a year or so, for heroin I think? It could have also been meth. You could tell by looking at him that he was a drug addict.

So she stops dating him because he had ex-gf drama, and some time passes. At one point she becomes suicidal, again, and tells me that if her dad finds out he'll send her to the "looney bin" where they will "put her in a straight jacket and lock her in a padded room." Yes, she actually believes that's what it's like in a mental hospital. I had to explain to her that those places are not like cartoons.

A couple weeks later, she drops a bombshell on me; she told me that her dad molested her. At this point I take everything she says with a grain of salt, but in case it was true I told her that the best option would be to talk to her mom and the police. So she decided that the best time to call the police was while she was with him at a large family function/reunion. She was surprised when a lot of his family got pissed off.

He was arrested, convicted, and thrown in prison. Despite everything I wouldn't be surprised if he actually did do it. I met the guy once and he was a creep. He would call his daughters sexy, right in front of everyone. It was creepy as hell.

And then, things with her got a lot more crazy.

She started dating some black guy, and decided that being "gothic" was "crazii". She decided that she was now a "ghetto gurl" or something along those lines. She told me that she now "loved black cock". Her words, not mine. Later she would claim that this guy was arrested for pointing a water gun at a little kid, broke into a church to steal money, and apparently stole jewelry from her mom. I didn't believe that last part because months later he would still be hanging out at her house. In fact I didn't really believe any of it, because everything she said sounded like bullshit.

Oh, and he gave her chlamydia. She had to go to an ob/gyn after that, and claimed that the doctor violated her. I asked her how, and she said that they were rude and the doctor stuck her fingers in her vagina. You know, because that's not what happens when you get a pelvic exam.

After that, she would have several pregnancies. Most of them would end in a miscarriage, and she had one abortion. After vehemently arguing against abortion for the longest time. She claimed that the miscarriages and the abortion was because of her "rare heart condition."

There was always some new lie: she got signed by a modeling agency (bullshit), she was raped in the light of day on the sidewalk by two guys (bullshit), she was moving to Las Vegas (bullshit), etc. At this point I only remained friends with her purely for the lulz.

Then it got really interesting. She had two new "best friends" with private myspaces, with profile pictures of girls who would be at the top of the page if you google image searched "scene kids". She would pretend to be them and talk to me on AIM as them, I played along because it was funny. Then one night she told me she had a bunch of friends over, because when you have like five people over you talk to people on AIM right? Anyway, she told me that one of the guys there kept flirting with her, and at one point he was "talking" to me on AIM. "He" told me that he was going "to have her tonight, one way or another."
Twenty minutes later she said she saw him "try to put a vial of blue stuff in her drink."

I'm not sure how to describe what happened next. She had some kind of fictitious meltdown, where she turned into like, some 8-year-old girl and talked about her dad and sent a bunch of other messages that was just infantile babbling. She told me that the only things she knew was "me and her keyboard," that she didn't even know who she was. Men were all out to hurt her, blah blah blah. Later her "friend" came on and told me before she had her "meltdown", she was frozen in some kind of fetal position on the floor. "She" told me not to tell Katie what had happened that night (apparently she already knew she would forget) because she might "freeze up again, and never come back."

The next day, Katie told me she woke up with a headache and asked what happened last night. I played along with her game and told her nothing.

The next week, the "girl" I had talked to committed suicide, and the other fake girl died for some unexplained reason. She didn't talk to me as much after that.

Now she's "married" with two kids. One of them is named "Lelu." I feel sorry for her children.

Sorry if it's too long. I actually left a lot out.
TL;DR: crazy girl with daddy problems.
 
MrPunchDrunk1

He was a sonic fan/weeaboo who constantly bothered someone I followed on YouTube a while back because he preferred the classic games over the newer ones. He lurked in his comments section for almost a year and half and liked to either play the victim or try to change the subject whenever he debated people. He had an article on ED until the site went down.

Then there's TidalWave on SonicHentai.net.
 
Alright, so this one is going to hit even closer to home, considering May is like the little sister I never had.

A few posts back I mentioned my friend May, who is doing a bit better nowadays, though she had to return home due to several other issues I'm not going to discuss here, though the primary reason is due to having not been able to find a job. I digress.

So May has an older sister, Charity. Charity is almost 40, but acts like a teenager, is mother to several kids, all of them possibly by different fathers. According to May, there's at least four guys involved.

Now for some background. I'd known May for a while, and have known about Charity for quite as long, due to Charity constantly begging May for money for her kids, and just listening to some of the stories she'd told me about growing up with a bitch for a sister. May never usually gave in to the begging, though every once in a while she'd treat the kids to something nice without Charity knowing about it.

Charity ran around town a lot as a teenager, and as a result had done a lot of stupid things that unfortunately made May's mother basically keep May on a leash (think of an annoying helicopter parent). When Charity was 14, she got pregnant. She'd be pregnant two more times before she hit 21.

Before May started college, Charity basically dumped all the kids she had on her parents (and consequently May, as she was still at home at that time) and ran off with this guy she'd talked to in a chatroom from overseas, and lived over there for about a year or so. And of course, when she returned, she was pregnant again.

Fast forward to a couple of summers ago, after May ended up back home, and was working mostly with computers at that time. Charity and her kids showed up on her parents' doorstep, saying they needed a place to stay.

According to May, it all went downhill from there. I guess May ended up having her internet connection drop for a while due to Charity and her kids constantly using it. Their ISP was crap, which having used it before? Yeah. Several hours just to download a game under a gigabyte.

Anyway, Charity started taking things, and blaming May for it. Their parents knew it was bullshit, though, so thankfully May didn't have to deal with that, but Charity didn't hesitate to tell people that would listen to her about how 'horrible' May was. May's younger nephews would also end up infecting their grandmother's computer with a ton of stuff due to looking up porn as well, and May had to clean that shit out. She wasn't amused.

And that was another thing, Charity is a compulsive liar, on top of it all, because she kept saying she NEEEEEEDED the internet connection at her disposal because she was supposedly working on a novel with Danielle Steele. I didn't know who Danielle Steele was, but it did turn out to be bullshit, either way. Truth was, Charity was constantly playing IMVU on her laptop all hours of the day and night, and constantly complaining about it lagging if May tried to use the internet.

This all came to a head one morning, after their connection had gone down the night before, May had told her sister then that it was something on the ISP's end, not anything going on with the router or anything like that, so whatever she was doing would have to wait until morning. So come morning, May walks out into the living room where she sees her sister hovering over their mother's computer, with a bunch of cords and stuff pulled out. Charity then whined to May that the connection wasn't working, so she went out and bought a new router.

May, having had enough of this bullshit, proceeded to call her out on it. She'd told her sister that she needed to learn to leave other people's stuff alone, especially if she was a guest in the house. Now, both of their parents were gone when this happened, but one of May's oldest nephews was there, and thank goodness for that.

So Charity grabs her cellphone and runs out the back door, quickly dialing someone to cry to, while May tried to fix the damage. In the end they ended up having to replace a couple of their ethernet cords because Charity somehow broke them when trying to connect everything up.

May goes to the back door to tell her sister that the cords are busted. Her sister comes in, and pushes May, calling her a bitch and several other names. May had had enough, and ended up pushing back, to which Charity punched her in the face. May pushed back, but Charity then attempted to choke her, which failed, and May went for her throat instead. Charity sunk her nails into May's cheek so hard that she ended up drawing a lot of blood, and left several gashes in her face. May showed me the pictures that were taken after the incident, and the scars she now has on her face because of her sister.

Now Charity wasn't charged with anything, as far as I know, mainly because after all that, she still insisted that she was the innocent party, and that May was crazy (LAST fucking thing that girl needed, I tell you) and tried to turn most of the family against May. That was the last time May had heard from one of her eldest nephews, apparently. The one that witnessed the entire ordeal (and had broken up the fight) doesn't talk to Charity anymore.

Charity moved out not too long after that. May's still trying to get her life back together, but she didn't need any of that bullshit.
 
Ze Red Medic said:
Alright, so this one is going to hit even closer to home, considering May is like the little sister I never had.

A few posts back I mentioned my friend May, who is doing a bit better nowadays, though she had to return home due to several other issues I'm not going to discuss here, though the primary reason is due to having not been able to find a job. I digress.

So May has an older sister, Charity. Charity is almost 40, but acts like a teenager, is mother to several kids, all of them possibly by different fathers. According to May, there's at least four guys involved.

Now for some background. I'd known May for a while, and have known about Charity for quite as long, due to Charity constantly begging May for money for her kids, and just listening to some of the stories she'd told me about growing up with a bitch for a sister. May never usually gave in to the begging, though every once in a while she'd treat the kids to something nice without Charity knowing about it.

Charity ran around town a lot as a teenager, and as a result had done a lot of stupid things that unfortunately made May's mother basically keep May on a leash (think of an annoying helicopter parent). When Charity was 14, she got pregnant. She'd be pregnant two more times before she hit 21.

Before May started college, Charity basically dumped all the kids she had on her parents (and consequently May, as she was still at home at that time) and ran off with this guy she'd talked to in a chatroom from overseas, and lived over there for about a year or so. And of course, when she returned, she was pregnant again.

Fast forward to a couple of summers ago, after May ended up back home, and was working mostly with computers at that time. Charity and her kids showed up on her parents' doorstep, saying they needed a place to stay.

According to May, it all went downhill from there. I guess May ended up having her internet connection drop for a while due to Charity and her kids constantly using it. Their ISP was crap, which having used it before? Yeah. Several hours just to download a game under a gigabyte.

Anyway, Charity started taking things, and blaming May for it. Their parents knew it was bullshit, though, so thankfully May didn't have to deal with that, but Charity didn't hesitate to tell people that would listen to her about how 'horrible' May was. May's younger nephews would also end up infecting their grandmother's computer with a ton of stuff due to looking up porn as well, and May had to clean that shit out. She wasn't amused.

And that was another thing, Charity is a compulsive liar, on top of it all, because she kept saying she NEEEEEEDED the internet connection at her disposal because she was supposedly working on a novel with Danielle Steele. I didn't know who Danielle Steele was, but it did turn out to be bullshit, either way. Truth was, Charity was constantly playing IMVU on her laptop all hours of the day and night, and constantly complaining about it lagging if May tried to use the internet.

This all came to a head one morning, after their connection had gone down the night before, May had told her sister then that it was something on the ISP's end, not anything going on with the router or anything like that, so whatever she was doing would have to wait until morning. So come morning, May walks out into the living room where she sees her sister hovering over their mother's computer, with a bunch of cords and stuff pulled out. Charity then whined to May that the connection wasn't working, so she went out and bought a new router.

May, having had enough of this bullshit, proceeded to call her out on it. She'd told her sister that she needed to learn to leave other people's stuff alone, especially if she was a guest in the house. Now, both of their parents were gone when this happened, but one of May's oldest nephews was there, and thank goodness for that.

So Charity grabs her cellphone and runs out the back door, quickly dialing someone to cry to, while May tried to fix the damage. In the end they ended up having to replace a couple of their ethernet cords because Charity somehow broke them when trying to connect everything up.

May goes to the back door to tell her sister that the cords are busted. Her sister comes in, and pushes May, calling her a bitch and several other names. May had had enough, and ended up pushing back, to which Charity punched her in the face. May pushed back, but Charity then attempted to choke her, which failed, and May went for her throat instead. Charity sunk her nails into May's cheek so hard that she ended up drawing a lot of blood, and left several gashes in her face. May showed me the pictures that were taken after the incident, and the scars she now has on her face because of her sister.

Now Charity wasn't charged with anything, as far as I know, mainly because after all that, she still insisted that she was the innocent party, and that May was crazy (LAST fucking thing that girl needed, I tell you) and tried to turn most of the family against May. That was the last time May had heard from one of her eldest nephews, apparently. The one that witnessed the entire ordeal (and had broken up the fight) doesn't talk to Charity anymore.

Charity moved out not too long after that. May's still trying to get her life back together, but she didn't need any of that bullshit.
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Holy Christ...
 
It's about time I gave something back, and post a tale of two lolcows I used to know, Weasel and Wombat.

Weasel was a skinny stoner absolutely convinced he was intellectually superior to everybody. He rarely had a job and paid rent from his tugboat, the rest of which went mainly on comics – lots of comics.
His one real talent was for leeching off other people, as we shall see.

Wombat was a placid fat bloke and unlike Weasel, he had a job. He'd bought his own house and Weasel lived there as a lodger. Despite his easy going nature, he could be as annoying as Weasel given the right circumstances, usually if you disagreed with his head canon of his favourite comics.


So, one day Weasel decides he wants an expensive new stereo. His tugboat is already committed to buying comics and he doesn't have a credit card.
Luckily for him, Wombat does. Within a week, the new stereo has been delivered and in typical Weasel style, he's not gone for second best. The thing cost a fucking fortune and Weasel has agreed to pay Wombat the card payments until it's paid off. Like someone else we know, he pays the bare minimum each month. As you can imagine, the interest shot up.
However, Weasel has been keeping a tally of how much he's paid. The instant he's paid Wombat the initial price of the stereo, he tells him “I've paid the stereo off, the rest is your problem”. By this time, the interest was a bloody huge sum. This prompted a huge fight, but Wombat ended up paying the interest.
 
Cutlery Cat: Wombat doesn't really sound like much a lolcow, the whole headcanon thing notwithstanding. He seemed like apart from that he actually had his shit together and Weasel just took advantage of his better nature by the sound of it and paid the price for it (pun not intended)

Ze Red Medic: You know it's kind of funny how for someone with the name "Charity" she took more than she gave. I hope your friend May is alright after dealing with all that bullshit, and from her older sister no less! I think as long as Charity's out of the picture, things can only get better for her here on out.
 
Anonimo, I think you're right - I should have said one lolcow and foil!

A thing I should have pointed out as well was that this wasn't a one off. Weasel was constantly pulling stunts like this, he was able to twist Wombat round his little finger.
He got so used to getting away with it, he'd throw a real strop when he tried it on someone else and it didn't work.

Anyway, I feel better for posting it and getting it out of my system.
 
Anonimo said:
Cutlery Cat: Wombat doesn't really sound like much a lolcow, the whole headcanon thing notwithstanding. He seemed like apart from that he actually had his shit together and Weasel just took advantage of his better nature by the sound of it and paid the price for it (pun not intended)

Ze Red Medic: You know it's kind of funny how for someone with the name "Charity" she took more than she gave. I hope your friend May is alright after dealing with all that bullshit, and from her older sister no less! I think as long as Charity's out of the picture, things can only get better for her here on out.
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She's doing better. Her biggest obstacle right now is just trying to find a job in the area she lives in, which not much is really there. I told her she ought to seek something around here, she could room with me if she needed to. Just something that would get her away from her family and give her some semblance of independence, you know?

As for Charity, bitch can rot in hell. I guess on top of everything else she'd also tried to swindle money out of their parents while stealing a lot of May's stuff (May used to collect a few dolls and figurines that she'd kept on her desk or in a display case) which resulted in some Pirates of the Caribbean stuff and a couple of Monster High dolls getting stolen. That isn't counting any video games, movies, or books, either, a lot of her Wii games and a couple of the Wiimotes ended up missing, too.
 
In light of my reading the ForeverKailyn thread, I remembered a wee little lolcow from my summer as a day camp counselor. A lolcalf if you will.
So we'll call this tyke Anthony. Anthony had fetal alcohol syndrome and was a spoiled brat if ever there was one. He was part of the before and after care at camp, as his mother would drop him off as SOON as she was allowed to and was always the very last one to pick him up. (She was a stay at home mom and he an only child. Make of that what you will. I know I did.) He was incredibly demanding and whiny: if someone else was getting attention, he had to be involved- if they were hurt then he was too, if they needed something then he did as well, etc. He refused to go swimming, leaving us with one less adult in the water because if he wasn't sat with on the shore he would pick fights with other kids who weren't even in the camp but had come on their own. He had to be first in line for everything. He was, in short, a monstrous pain in the ass.

This would all come to a head one Friday, which was when we did our weekly trip. This was one of the big trip weeks, as we were going to a very small theme park, which meant we had the maximum capacity of kids per adult for this trip. I was not assigned Anthony in my group (which I thanked every deity ever for), but I was the one he came to for sunscreen before we boarded the bus. This is when the trouble started.

"Mommy said I could go by myself, and that I don't need to be in a group," he told me in his baby voice, which meant he was lying, as I started putting sunscreen on his arms and shoulders.

"Well... Mommy might have meant when you were older, Anthony. For today you're going to be with Miss Diane." (Diane was the one he would usually behave for, hence why he was in her group.)

"Oh." He immediately gave me a sullen look as I "put his warpaint on" (the nickname we gave putting the sunscreen on their face so the kids would stay still for it). As soon as I stopped, he took his bottle of sunscreen from me- and then deliberately squirted himself in the eyes, screaming bloody murder. "MISS JENN SPRAYED ME IN THE FACE! MISS JENN HURT ME!"

The other counselors came running, and I didn't even have to say a word as the other kids started saying that he was lying and had done it to himself. Diane took him to rinse his eyes out while the other two counselors and I finished the rest of the kids and briefly talked about what had happened, and if Anthony should stay home for this trip. We concluded that it would cause more problems to try and send him home at that point, so no call was made.

We got the kids on the bus, and Anthony stayed as far from me as he could during the ride. We got to the theme park, and disembarked, and got all the kids through the front gate and put their bands on. This was accompanied with the warning that under no circumstances should they take the bands off or they would leave the park. So off we went, all staying together for the most part to go on the first few rides. That first hour, things were on an even keel. Then from Diane's group I heard the yell.

"I WANNA GO ON THAT RIDE AGAIN!"

"No, Anthony, not right now. Maybe later we can go on it again. But for now we're going to go see another part of the park." Diane was a supernaturally calm person, and yet I could already hear the first edge of irritation in her voice.

"NO! I'M NOT GOING UNLESS WE GO ON THAT RIDE AGAIN!"

"Anthony, we have to think of the whole group. Now please come with us."

And then, a little girl's voice: "Miss Diane, Anthony took his bracelet off!"

He not only yanked the bracelet off, he stuffed it into his mouth and swallowed the damn thing. And this isn't one of those cheapy paper bracelets at festivals, this was one of those plastic ones with the holes and the peg that you need to really MEAN IT to tug it off- so how he swallowed it without immediately gagging still astounds me to this day. Diane immediately sounded pissed as she paged the other two counselors back to the gates on our walkies and I followed her, watching the rest of her group as she dragged Anthony (who was screaming like a howler monkey at this point). When we all had met up, he started begging the other two counselors to "get a new bracelet". Instead he was told that he would be spending the rest of his day sitting with our bus driver just outside the park, while the head counselor called his mother about his behavior. We had lunch and left him, screaming away again, while the rest of the groups went back to traveling around the park. The end of the day came and we grouped back up: he was still screaming. Or at least he had immediately resumed it on seeing all of us coming back. He looked as though he was going to keep it up as we got on the bus until the head counselor made him sit in her seat right up front.

We got back to where camp was held and his mother was- for once- already there. She immediately grabbed him in a hug and made a big show of fawning all over him and loudly proclaiming that he was never participating in anything the rec department did again after how they traumatized her baby-!! We all ignored her as we unloaded all the other kids and their gear to their own parents. She kept it up even as there were only a few kids left and the four counselors were trying to pack up their own belongings and get ready to go home after a very long day. Finally the head counselor told her in no uncertain terms to take it up with the rec director as we had already made our decisions as to how to deal with Anthony that day.

We were told Monday morning that we had a meeting that evening. Turns out Mommy Dearest had tried to tell the rec director she was going to sue the city for her son's "mistreatment". I never heard anything more of it, so I'm assuming that someone told her that her son being disciplined for breaking the rules wasn't going to hold up in court as child abuse.

So there you have it friends.
 
Lady Houligan said:
In light of my reading the ForeverKailyn thread, I remembered a wee little lolcow from my summer as a day camp counselor. A lolcalf if you will.
So we'll call this tyke Anthony. Anthony had fetal alcohol syndrome and was a spoiled brat if ever there was one. He was part of the before and after care at camp, as his mother would drop him off as SOON as she was allowed to and was always the very last one to pick him up. (She was a stay at home mom and he an only child. Make of that what you will. I know I did.) He was incredibly demanding and whiny: if someone else was getting attention, he had to be involved- if they were hurt then he was too, if they needed something then he did as well, etc. He refused to go swimming, leaving us with one less adult in the water because if he wasn't sat with on the shore he would pick fights with other kids who weren't even in the camp but had come on their own. He had to be first in line for everything. He was, in short, a monstrous pain in the ass.

This would all come to a head one Friday, which was when we did our weekly trip. This was one of the big trip weeks, as we were going to a very small theme park, which meant we had the maximum capacity of kids per adult for this trip. I was not assigned Anthony in my group (which I thanked every deity ever for), but I was the one he came to for sunscreen before we boarded the bus. This is when the trouble started.

"Mommy said I could go by myself, and that I don't need to be in a group," he told me in his baby voice, which meant he was lying, as I started putting sunscreen on his arms and shoulders.

"Well... Mommy might have meant when you were older, Anthony. For today you're going to be with Miss Diane." (Diane was the one he would usually behave for, hence why he was in her group.)

"Oh." He immediately gave me a sullen look as I "put his warpaint on" (the nickname we gave putting the sunscreen on their face so the kids would stay still for it). As soon as I stopped, he took his bottle of sunscreen from me- and then deliberately squirted himself in the eyes, screaming bloody murder. "MISS JENN SPRAYED ME IN THE FACE! MISS JENN HURT ME!"

The other counselors came running, and I didn't even have to say a word as the other kids started saying that he was lying and had done it to himself. Diane took him to rinse his eyes out while the other two counselors and I finished the rest of the kids and briefly talked about what had happened, and if Anthony should stay home for this trip. We concluded that it would cause more problems to try and send him home at that point, so no call was made.

We got the kids on the bus, and Anthony stayed as far from me as he could during the ride. We got to the theme park, and disembarked, and got all the kids through the front gate and put their bands on. This was accompanied with the warning that under no circumstances should they take the bands off or they would leave the park. So off we went, all staying together for the most part to go on the first few rides. That first hour, things were on an even keel. Then from Diane's group I heard the yell.

"I WANNA GO ON THAT RIDE AGAIN!"

"No, Anthony, not right now. Maybe later we can go on it again. But for now we're going to go see another part of the park." Diane was a supernaturally calm person, and yet I could already hear the first edge of irritation in her voice.

"NO! I'M NOT GOING UNLESS WE GO ON THAT RIDE AGAIN!"

"Anthony, we have to think of the whole group. Now please come with us."

And then, a little girl's voice: "Miss Diane, Anthony took his bracelet off!"

He not only yanked the bracelet off, he stuffed it into his mouth and swallowed the damn thing. And this isn't one of those cheapy paper bracelets at festivals, this was one of those plastic ones with the holes and the peg that you need to really MEAN IT to tug it off- so how he swallowed it without immediately gagging still astounds me to this day. Diane immediately sounded pissed as she paged the other two counselors back to the gates on our walkies and I followed her, watching the rest of her group as she dragged Anthony (who was screaming like a howler monkey at this point). When we all had met up, he started begging the other two counselors to "get a new bracelet". Instead he was told that he would be spending the rest of his day sitting with our bus driver just outside the park, while the head counselor called his mother about his behavior. We had lunch and left him, screaming away again, while the rest of the groups went back to traveling around the park. The end of the day came and we grouped back up: he was still screaming. Or at least he had immediately resumed it on seeing all of us coming back. He looked as though he was going to keep it up as we got on the bus until the head counselor made him sit in her seat right up front.

We got back to where camp was held and his mother was- for once- already there. She immediately grabbed him in a hug and made a big show of fawning all over him and loudly proclaiming that he was never participating in anything the rec department did again after how they traumatized her baby-!! We all ignored her as we unloaded all the other kids and their gear to their own parents. She kept it up even as there were only a few kids left and the four counselors were trying to pack up their own belongings and get ready to go home after a very long day. Finally the head counselor told her in no uncertain terms to take it up with the rec director as we had already made our decisions as to how to deal with Anthony that day.

We were told Monday morning that we had a meeting that evening. Turns out Mommy Dearest had tried to tell the rec director she was going to sue the city for her son's "mistreatment". I never heard anything more of it, so I'm assuming that someone told her that her son being disciplined for breaking the rules wasn't going to hold up in court as child abuse.

So there you have it friends.
Click to expand...

.......dafuq
 
Gather 'round children for the story of my personal lolcow, the one called Julio... *Strums acoustic guitar*

It was back in high school when I met this guy named Julio. I could have sworn he went to junior high with me, maybe that one kid that was always quiet, never talked, and when he did it was in quick, quiet bursts that would always amaze everyone. Ok, so maybe he didn't turn out to be that kid. In truth, this guy was like ADF, CWC, or even Anthos the Crimson Autofag, though maybe of a much lower caliber. So, I first met Julio in my Freshman biology class. This is where I first discovered him. I thought that he was just the average overweight, socially awkward anime geek at first. He would always draw manga from a How to Draw Manga book and eventually began to draw Pokemon and Ben 10 characters, muttering to himself and ignoring his classwork.

My second encounter with him was during the second semester of Sophomore year in English. This was when he went full blown tard and even became a lolcow of sorts to my classmates. Rather than drawing shit pictures, he would get on one of the computers in class and mix techno music. I won't lie, some of it was kind of good. Like biology though, he would ignore his classwork. Our English teacher was VERY lax on Julio. She'd let him do his thing because I guess she took pity on the poor guy. Whenever he did work in class though, he would always freak out on tests because he didn't know the answer and, get ready....FUCKING PUNISH HIMSELF. No, seriously. He would pinch his nipples and twist them, slap himself across the face, punch himself in the stomach, and all sorts of self harming shit. Then there were times in class when he would just rip ass. Funny thing is he would always look over his shoulder whenever he did it to make sure nobody was looking. And if he saw that you were looking at him when he did it, then God forbid. Some of my classmates tried to get him to do his work or even see what he was doing, but he would always throw a fit and tell the teacher that we were "harassing him". The teacher would berate us while he had this smug looking ratfaced grin.

For the entirety of Junior year I didn't see Julio. But when Senior year came, oh man, did he come back in full force. I had him in my Economics class where he would rarely take tests as usual, but then came the big whammy when my economics teacher asked Julio what he was drawing. Julio told him that it was a map of the nation that he was leading called Al-Jazeera. This, my friends, was his version of Cwcville or Australatina. Now he didn't just say something like "This is just something I came up with for a story". He said that the people of Al-Jazeera elected him as the emperor when he overthrew the dictator. Acted all serious about it and shit. My teacher dismissed it as the result of Julio's "mental disability" and thought of it as nothing. Then came the day when he got in trouble over a box of doughnuts. Some girls brought doughnuts to class for themselves and Julio waddled over with a big grin on his face. When the girls weren't looking he picked up one of the doughnuts and started eating it. Long story short, the girls were pissed and Julio punished himself.

The last outburst of lulz came the day they handed out progress reports. After he got his he got the most shocked look on his face. He tore it up and threw it in the trash as we were going to the computer lab and muttered to himself "I can't trust anybody!". We got to the computer lab and rather than trying to improve his grades, he starts looking up anime/manga pictures on the Internet and even reads a few illegally downloaded mangas. So I'm assuming that the teacher saw something inappropriate, and since he was a devout Catholic it could be anything from women showing their ankles to a sexy anime schoolgirl. I'm guessing it was the latter since he unplugged the computer almost immediately. Julio starts saying "I'm sorry!" over and over again while my teacher said that Julio was just trying to get off easy (No pun intended). So Julio gets this almost catatonic look on his face. He stands up as the teacher starts to call the front office and walks over to the door where he yelled "Why do you hate me?!" to the entire class. He shouted it again, much louder, and that's when almost the entire class fell silent. Still, they ignored him and he walked off into the hallways. At that moment I thought he was going to go Columbine on our asses, so I quickly changed seats so he wouldn't notice me if he came in with a gun or sharp pointy object.

The teacher left to go find him but came back after a few minutes of searching empty handed. Then we hear sobbing and high pitched crying from the next room. Julio barricaded himself in the adjacent room and was bitching and moaning that his parents were going to take his laptop away. I highly doubt they would have since he was one hulk ass motherfucker who would have probably killed them in their sleep because they wouldn't let him stay up till 2 a.m. to watch Inyuyasha. That was pretty much the last of the lulz Julio put out.

So where is Julio now? That's a good question. During my second semester at the local community college I saw him a few times. He kept to himself, acted very timid, and would always be in a hurry. Since this was a pretty small campus, you pretty much saw the same faces every day. But one day he stopped showing up. My guess is that he dropped out and is currently living with his parents with no direction in life. The only hope I can see for him is if he kept mixing techno music and became a DJ or sold a few of his tunes on a website like Bandcamp.
 
On a cinema forum I posted on before it got deleted there were a lot of eccentric characters but the one that sticks out above all is Charles. (Some of this story might be funnier if you're a cinephile)

Charles was from Colombia and was probably in his early twenties but was a MISANTHROPIC, SICK, TWISTED, TORTURED SOUL straight out of high school combined with a bit of artificial fedora-level "eloquence".

On the forum one tradition was to post a list of your favorite films, length and presentation varying. Charles's had an "Orthodox" and "Heterodox" list, the first being full of choices that were pretty canonical (read: good films but altogether lacking personality) like Citizen Kane, City Lights, Tokyo Story, The Seventh Seal, L'Atalante, etc. The second list was for omg s00per evil shit, full of torture porn and grizzly exploitation full of gore (including some really good stuff but the presentation was try-hard). He was the dumbest kind of horror fan/metalhead who liked dark stuff because OMG HE WAS DISTURBED more than anything else. The response from someone was "That heterodoxy list… Are you, like, alright, dude?" His response was something like "Not according to most society, I'd be considered insane by most…" You can almost hear the Linkin Park.

His rants were incredible and I wish I had them saved, talking about how society was vapid and stupid or whatever. There was one hilarious story where he talked about hating society and trying to get away from it by taking a tour of the Amazon and instead being cramped with a bunch of fat, sweaty, ignorant tourists in a bunk fighting off insects. You could imagine him being on some straight Aguirre: The Wrath of God shit, just with more teenage posturing.

Charles's "by-the-book" canonical appreciation of "great cinema 101" and labeling of less orthodox filmmaking as "pretentious" was a big source of hilarity. He regularly talked about how he wished he could fly to the countries certain members of the site and kill them when they poked fun at him about it. One particularly embarrassing display resulted in him hijacking one member's account to post a poll asking "Am I a snob with delusions of grandeur? If you think so you only like Hollywood garbage!" Utterly pathetic.

After somewhat of an exile when he became too bitchy and overworked, he returned back with some of the most abrupt shifts in personality ever. He became a "Buddhist" all of a sudden and set his avatar as a Hindu deity and wrote about how much OMG THE DHAMMAPADA SPOKE TO ME on some really ADF levels of genuineness. After that he got a Saint Seiya avatar and became a self-proclaimed "otaku" and started reviewing animu like Death Note and Monster in his film log. Last I saw of him he was really into Star Trek and bitching about the new movies.

But the absolute funniest/grossest part of Charles was his sexuality. He was a big chubby chaser/feeder fetishit. I wish I saved this 20-page, 8-chapter fapfic he wrote about kidnapping a girl and force-feeding her cake until she ballooned into the size of a whale and fell in love with him, all written with this angsty I'M A DERANGED TORTURED PSYCHOPATH self-congratulatory tone. I think he also condemned homosexuality as unnatural (not sure why, he wasn't Christian) despite apparently being a necrophiliac (no joke). Here's one of his stream-of-consciousness angsty U GUYS R PRETENTIOUS screeds that blends in sickfuckery which I luckily saved:

Fuck everyone on this site. Fucking pathetic excuses for human beings. Oh, how I want to rape a recently deceased beautiful girl... I imagine rigor mortis will make the anal sphincter rather tense, but nothing is tense enough for the good old fashioned hunting knife. It tears vaginas to threads. Yeah, fuck you mainstream, conformist bundle of sexually boring material. All you people can ever think about is what's been practiced for hundreds of thousands of years. I think about a future where it's normal to fuck anything that moves, be it dead or alive. A future where no one judges you. Where no pseudo-intelectual affeminate skinny freak feels he has the truth because he listens to indie music. Fuck that shit. Snobs belong in the same shithole with paedophiles and coprophiliacs. Come to think of it, shit is more interesting that most of that mentally numbing material. I would prefer fucking a stool of rotting dung to watching that pretentious, insanely boring faux art. And I'm not even drunk.

When Jennifer's Body came out, he started being obsessed with Megan Fox (guess she turned him to the thin side). His review was something like "How do they breed girls like this? The despicable things I imagined doing to her while watching…" And then he ended it with this lovely poem which tries to be OMG HARDCORE BLACK METAL DEGRADATION but comes across more as a pasty suburban emo teen's poetry:

I dedicate this poem to Megan:



...and as semen dripped from my glans,

I knew you were the one,

the ideal goat to be sacrificed,

in the altar of lust...



...my tears echoed through the night,

because you were the one,

your blood so pristine,

I cannot help myself but cum...



...as my hands embrace your neck,

you faint and choke to death,

your insides so warm and fresh,

I cannot help myself but eviscerate...



...your beautiful body begins to rot,

lice and maggots use the carcass as a hut,

but I still cherish your decaying corpse,

as if it were my very own.



THE END


I miss Charles. :(
 
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ChameleonBody said:
*snip*
After somewhat of an exile when he became too bitchy and overworked, he returned back with some of the most abrupt shifts in personality ever. He became a "Buddhist" all of a sudden and set his avatar as a Hindu deity and wrote about how much OMG THE DHAMMAPADA SPOKE TO ME on some really ADF levels of genuineness. After that he got a Saint Seiya avatar and became a self-proclaimed "otaku" and started reviewing animu like Death Note and Monster in his film log. Last I saw of him he was really into Star Trek and bitching about the new movies.
*snip*
I think he also condemned homosexuality as unnatural (not sure why, he wasn't Christian) despite apparently being a necrophiliac (no joke).
Click to expand...

Christianity's not alone in condemning homosexuality, most forms of Buddhism condemn it as well.
 
Oy. Normally I don't run into lolcows that much on a personal basis; but I knew a couple that kinda stuck with me - mainly from middle school, which was in a area where finances were a little low and some kids succumbed to abusing marijuana and alcohol, committed petty crimes, etc.

There was this kid I attended middle school with that had some well-hidden social and personal issues. He had a large ego to the point that some teachers actually disliked him, was incredibly paranoid over things that weren't targeted towards him; made rampant feuds with various students, made gross noises, was loud, annoying and selfish - you name it. Around 2011 I pitied him and tried to make friends with him because I felt so darn bad for the kid being a social outcast; but later on he started stalking me and his "conversations" were him rambling about stuff. At this time; I nearly became involved with a slowly violent feud he had with another kid that had other lolcow tendencies in a English class; but that's a story for another day. They would never get along together; yelling insults and profanities at one another to the point where I just blew up at them. This would happen again and again when he did things that really pissed me off; such as picking fights with my friends; andeventually around the end of 8th grade I flat out called the guy an asshole. It was childish, yes, but I was tired of this prick going around and picking fights with random teachers or students. The best moment was when he told someone to "shut the fuck up or else I'll twist your head over", all the students in unity told him to "shut up".

Not sure where he is now; but I'm pretty sure he arbors a deep grudge over me because of that, lol.

Next, there was this other kid that was fat, had violent tendencies, was obnoxious, lacked manners and was a general bitch. Heck, she got suspended multiple times, had a probation and even called the special ed kids "retards" at first. She even nearly got into a brutal fight with another student over a necklace before teachers broke it up. Her home life wasn't as good as her school life; and was known to be a pothead.

Either way; middle school stank and I'm thankful I got out alive - this shit was awful, and there were only few redeeming things in it.
 
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