So recently, I attended a party with some people I hadn't seen since high school. For the most part, it was a nice event, even though I felt like I didn't have much in common with a lot of my old friends anymore. However, right before the festivities started, something rather awkward happened.
The hostess of the party had invited about thirty people via facebook, some of whom she only knew tangentially and probably only invited out of politeness. One of these pity invites happened to be dull, sluggish girl called Rita. Rita was never exactly a social butterfly, and what little social graces she did have seemed to have deteriorated since graduation. She showed up early, with her unbrushed, unwashed blonde hair somehow both frizzy and greasy at the same time, wearing a green minecraft hoodie and the same unflattering powder blue sweat pants she had donned in high school. Most of the other guests had dressed up - in fact, the invitation had requested semi-formal attire.
As soon as Rita entered the building, she said a quick hello to the hostess, and then made a beeline to the refreshment table. There's nothing wrong with that of course- that's what the food is there for, after all! But, as she turned around, I noticed that she had a large wad of toilet paper caught under the back of her hoodie. Poor exceptional Rita didn't even notice.
I nonchalantly made my way over to the food,
ate like , five cheeseballs and yet another mini hotdog nibbled delicately on a carrot stick, and tapped Rita on the shoulder.
"Rita! Oh my gosh! How are you!" I said.
"Fine," she mumbled.
"Cool, cool. Good to hear. Listen, sweetheart, you've got a little, uh, paper sticking out of your jacket."
"Paper? Like, a note or something?" She looked genuinely confused and rooted around in her coat pocket.
"No, no, in the back, here I'll get it," and, just as she turned around, I made the asinine mistake of pulling at the paper. It seemed to be stuck on something, so Rita reached her arm around to where I was grabbing and gave it a harder tug, revealing a huge wet wad of shit caked toilet paper. Droplets of shit-water and small shit chucks flew everywhere, and I actually screamed when one hit my elbow. But Rita just stood there.
"Oh MY GOD, Rita, throw it out!" I said, in a really nasty, bitchy voice that in retrospect I'm now feeling really bad about.
"But where?" she whined.
"Fucking..., how bout a trash can?" (again, I'm not proud of my behavior.)
"But where?" she said again. I just grabbed to the nearest trash can, which literally about a foot from us, and pushed it towards her. She dropped the tissue in, and I dumped the shit-water, shit-flake contaminated cheeseballs on top of it. Poor things. They deserved so much better.
Amazingly, no one else saw this whole exchange. It was over in about two seconds. I didn't tell anyone else at the party what happened, and neither did Rita. You guys are the first to know.
And yes, I washed my arm. A lot.
