Disclaimer: The opinions stated in this article are not necessarily those of the Daria Blandom Blog, any of its contributors other than cyde or of any site linked to this blog. Further, the author intends this article as a work of
satire and, as such, will not be held responsible for any claim of libel or defamation that may arise from the article itself. In other words, get over yourself. If you're free to stick your neck out and complain, I'm free to cut it off in the spirit of satire and fair use.
Forward: In the spirit of Petey's TL;DR position paper, I will write this article in the form of an essay which I intend to be
so long and unrelatable that I expect virtually no one to read it. You know... so Petey and I can have some common ground. Except for the expectations, anyway. I'm sure Petey thinks less of everyone who didn't want to listen to his cries in the night
this time.
***
No matter how angry and full of vitriol Petey Guerin's "position papers" are, he'll never be anything more than a whimpering, blubbering pussy, constantly bemoaning his fate and the fate of other special education students because "dammit, life just ain't fair!!!!11111one"
Petey is the kind of person who you can't argue with. You can't even suggest that Petey may be
wrong about something. He just doesn't want to hear it. You can give him gentle encouragement, constructive criticism, sage advice or a swift kick in the ass. He doesn't care. All he wants to do is blubber to all the world about how mistreated he is and expect everyone to pity him.
So, he wrote another snorefest of a 'position paper' entitled "THE ANGER INSIDE ME THAT WILL NEVER DIE" The title alone is indicative of how close to moving on with his life Petey is. It doesn't matter how much sage advice or kindly, avuncular encouragement people like Brother Grimace give him, he doesn't
want to change. And because of that, we have my review. Specifically, because of that we have the
tone of my review. If you want to yell and scream and act like a bitch, all the while ignoring all the advice everyone gives you, no matter how kind and helpful it is... and if you want to get the thread you posted the link to your shitty paper in locked so no one else has a chance to comment on it
in a public forum, then fuck you. I'm gonna say it
my way.
Guerin opens with a reference to his last shitty paper about a kid from his alma mater who planned to shoot the school up, Columbine-style. Who cares? He didn't succeed and he got sent to the laughing academy. The world is probably a lot safer now.
"THE ANGER INSIDE ME THAT WILL NEVER DIE" is filled with uninteresting anecdotes such as the one about how he ran for class president in 1986 - "AN BRAVE HISTORIC MOVE WHAT A SPECIAL ED KID DOOD!" Do you want a fucking cookie, Petey? Is your utter shithole of a life so devoid of any kind of significant achievement that you feel the need to cite one of your own failures as a 'moral victory' simply because you
participated?
Guess what, Petey. Even if you won (and I guess it goes without saying that you didn't,) I
still wouldn't care. I didn't care about the posturing retards who ran for class president in
my high school, much less yours. What the fuck makes you think anyone would care about yet one more example of how you're a loser? Not only was it in high school, it was 21 fucking years ago! The only way I would give this any attention was if you were still in high school after all these years, and only then
to make fun of you. Based on the way you go on and on about high school's injustices, that may not be too far from the truth. Is that it, Petey? Are you pissed because you're the only asshole there who doesn't fit in the desks? Are you mad because trying to get a high school sweetheart this late in the game would constitute pedophilia?
Moving along, Petey goes from boring to coma-inducing by touting the letter he wrote to "Gregory Murtha, the principal at Connetquot" about how he had grandiose plans to hold a special assembly for the faculty and students extolling the virtues of tolerance and love toward special ed students, and the call he received from " Michael Moran, the assistant principal in charge of 10th grade" (as if these peoples' names mean anything to me) in which he was doubtlessly told, "Thanks but no thanks." Apparently, Mr. Murtha had the good grace to at least return his call, but Petey asked him to write him instead and seems shocked and affronted that a school administrator, whom I'm
certain has all the time in the world to deal with every screwy jagoff who comes his way,
opted not to sit down and write him a letter. I'm sure that even had Mr. Murtha written him back, Petey would've been insulted that the letter wasn't written by hand... in calligraphy... on 600 year old parchment paper... rolled up into a scroll... and hand-delivered by a young boy or eunuch that Petey could take into his lair and sexually abuse.
Apparently, that wasn't good enough, so he decided to write a bunch of letters to governors, congressmen,
the fucking Pope... all asking for this kid -- the one who planned to kill his classmates --
to be pardoned. And now he's planning on sending a letter to Dubya along those same lines.
Petey then goes on to tell his
entire life's story in this essay which might have been more appropriately entitled, "My Life as a Thalidomide Baby and How It Turned Me Into A Whiny Cunt"
We have stories about the time he was in kindergarten and got expelled because all he did was scream and rock back and forth. Yeah, that's unfair. You should be allowed to sit there and scream to the detriment of
everyone else, shouldn't you have? This seems to be where Guerin's obscene sense of entitlement is rooted.
He goes on to tell about how he was put in the "self-contained" track where he was kept in one class
except for recess, music and art. Um. You were acting like a little retarded brat. Why were you given these privileges at all? You should've been locked in a dungeon somewhere with food and water slid to you under the door.
"Oh come on, cyde! That's cruel! You wouldn't do that, would you?"
If you're naive enough to ask this question, then just click the nice big 'X' in the top right of your browser, turn your computer off and smash it with a sledgehammer. The internet is obviously not for you. OF COURSE I wouldn't do that to a child. Well, maybe to Guerin...
anyway!
He goes on to tell of how he was teased. Called "neanderthal," "retard," "dummy," and "mongoloid". Hey. If the shoe fits...
He tells of how he was beaten up. How he eventually reached the breaking point. How he eventually fought back. (Whether or not he
won any of these fights is currently undisclosed, but safe money is on Petey's opponents, be the fight physical
or mental; he's a retard, remember?) He was told by the principal, whose full name he goes on to mention (a common theme in his papers), "If you ignore the bullies, they'll go away eventually."
If the Petey Guerin we know today is any indication, it's a safe bet that the school-aged Petey Guerin never did manage to do much ignoring.
And then Junior High started! [
cue dramatic music]
Long story short, Guerin kept getting made fun of, kept getting his ass whipped and eventually got sent to a counselor. Then he decided to attempt suicide by throwing himself down a flight of stairs. I'm certain that his foolproof plan included wearing a football helmet and curling into a ball as he bounced down the stairs to reduce the impact.
Petey's mom took him out of counseling and he hasn't been back since ("
of course Mother's gonna help build the wall")
And then came High School! [
cue dramatic music that's even more dramatic than the last music]
The bullies came from all over the school district... scratch that... all over New York state... scratch that...
all over the Northeast and flocked to Quiojkldfjkls High School with the express purpose of tormenting Petey Guerin. Petey's very own Field of Dreams. If you build it, Petey, they will come. And they'll beat the shit out of you. How sad
Later still, in his junior year of high school, Petey decided to enroll in the National Honor Society, but was turned down because he was a retard. (The "official" story was that he didn't have enough extracurricular activities) OF COURSE this was a conspiracy. Do you think they'd actually hold Petey Guerin to the of extracurricular activities standards that the rest of the society is held to? Pshaw! Fuck that! Petey Guerin is
special!
Of course, Petey doesn't bother to tell the reader whether he had ever actually participated in an extracurricular activity... if his professed social life to that point is any indication, I'd say the answer is a resounding "NO" Hell, he could've put down on the application, as a goof, that he spent his time jerking off to lingerie ads in his room and they might have let him in on his sense of humor.
I have a hunch. Maybe they
did reject Petey on the grounds that he was a retard. Maybe not so much mentally as emotionally and socially.
You know, if two women have the same job... and the one woman
does the job and the other woman
sits on her cell phone all day and doesn't do anything... and she gets fired... is it because the other woman didn't do her job? Now say the other woman is African-American. Did they fire her because they're racists now, Petey?
You want equal rights, but don't want to be held to equal standards. Guess what? If that happens, you don't have equal rights -
you're gaming the system, and that's cheating, you FUCKING ASSHOLE.
The point is, if you apply to a society with admissions standards
and you don't meet the standards, they aren't rejecting you on any other grounds than
you don't meet the standards, so shut the fuck up, stop crying and go meet the standards and try again, douchebag.
Petey goes on to tell in greater detail about his foray into student government, getting his ass whipped some more and how he lost to some bitch in "in what was called the closest election in the school’s history; I lost by sixteen votes." In other words, he lost by sixteen hundred votes, because really. Who would vote for some retard?
He lost, demanded a recount, got told to shut up then
filed a complaint with the U. S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights. Yeah. You read that right. Go back and read it again if you need to. Mercifully, his parents convinced him to withdraw the complaint. What a sore fucking loser.
He got on to some sort of bullshit student government committee the next year and tried to make a special education student's representative position. I'm certain he was as civil doing this as he is to the average woman in the
Daria fandom because he got picked on, beaten up and threatened for his trouble.
He tried to go to prom and got picked on, beaten up and threatened. They didn't want a "retard" ruining their good time.
Yeah, Petey. It's that you were retarded, not that the squeaky wheel gets the grease... and I'm sure you were as crass and obnoxious as hell through all your attempts to become an activist. This is a reasonable assumption because you're as crass and obnoxious as hell today. Nobody wanted you around because you were a pest, an annoyance AND a retard.
He went to college and dropped out his Freshman year. Not because he was picked on, beaten up and threatened, but "because he was unhappy". Guerin had graduated high school in body, but not in spirit. From this point until now, he has allowed what happened to him in high school, combined with his disability, to serve as a crutch and an excuse for every failing he's had since then
even if the two were completely unrelated. He joined a New York organization which I believe was called "Failures United by Caring, Kindly Financial Assistance Continuing their Educations," or FUCKFACE for short.
In 1990, Guerin's parents decided to move off of Long Island and to upstate New York. Guerin, in the true spirit of someone completely unwilling to let go of their miserable past, wouldn't even consider a change of venue. He went to FUCKFACE and requested that they move him into a group home. His (biological) dad scared him off telling him that he'd "have to share a room with several 'retards wearing bicycle crash helmets.'" Why the thought of living with kindred spirits scared him off, I'm not sure. Fucking bitch.
Failing this, Petey decided to move in with his biological father, "However, that also fell apart because he was slow in getting a room set up for me and on top of that he said he wanted me to stop going to FUCKFACE; he told me I was going to have just two weeks after I moved in with him to get an outside job or I was going to work for his concrete company again. I didn’t want to do that; I knew that my chances of getting a “real” job with my behavior problem were slim to none and I was sure as Hell didn’t want to work for that monster and his stupid concrete company ever again after how he mistreated me the last time. " In other words, his dad refused to coddle him the way his mother and stepfather had. He just wanted to toughen the boy up. He moved to Hudson Falls with mommy on December 14, 1990 - "The Day of Exile"
Pooooooor Petey! Little bitch.
Why this rotten, entitled little scumbag was given an option at all is beyond me. His mother should've thrown him out and his dad should've allowed him to stay there just long enough to get a job pouring concrete, get on his feet and get a fucking apartment. Did I mention that Petey is a bitch?
Eventually, Petey applied for and was granted SSI, Disability, Medicare and Medicaid, screwing someone who really needed it out of the money. If it weren't for these generous boons, Petey might have been forced to either A) get a fucking job and finally grow up or B) give blowjobs to bums for crack.
Petey eventually enrolled at some community college and dropped out, but that wasn't his fault, of course.
He worked at an amusement park and got fired because of his attitude and sense of entitlement.
Petey now works at his mother and stepfather's print shop, where he's worked for the last 14 years, getting into fights with his stepfather. What a retard. I hope your stepfather has a pension plan for you, nitwit.
Basically, the rest of this lousy paper consists of making excuses for himself and other special ed kids whose
peers condemned them to a life of pushing brooms, sucking cocks in back alleys and slinging crack rock. It's everyone else's fault, personal accountability be damned.
He makes excuses for the kids who shoot up schools and kill their peers - it's not their fault! They were picked on and so was I!
Well, let's take your dismal point of view and go for the obvious counterpoint:
These murderous students actually had the balls to pick up a pistol, walk into their schools and
accomplish something. Why don't you hate them for getting on the front page while you descend further and further into
SELF-IMPOSED mediocrity?
Society is a sham. Unless you meet a rigid, arbitrary set of circumstances which Petey Guerin has so helpfully provided, you'll never understand. Fuck you, Guerin, you whiney, pathetic little cocksucker. Who made you the grand arbiter of all that is and isn't unjust? By Guerin's standards, anyone who hasn't lived
his exact life can't understand what it is to be miserable. Give me a fucking break, you self-absorbed little queen. What a prima donna!
And on he goes, presuming to tell special ed students the world over how they should live their lives. Screaming, acting out and causing just as much of a disruption as their tormentors may have. I'm certain that had "Gregory Murtha, the principal at Connetquot" allowed you your little assembly, it would've been filled with screaming, histrionics and bathos, much like your so-called "position paper" is.
At the end we see that Petey Guerin is "President and CEO" of a "corporation" called "Mark Zero Fan Fiction, Unlimited". I wonder how this little pretentious waste of time has helped Petey improve his quality of life. I use the diminutive "Petey" because that's exactly what he is - a fucking child. Petey's growth was stunted that first day of seventh grade and he hasn't aged a day since, and that's nobody's fault but his own.
.
