Polyamory General - Polyamory drama from Facebook, Reddit, and more

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All of this goes to show that it's probably a bit optimistic to have a truly balanced poly relationship as people are bound to pick favorites. Sure, some people can pull it off but they are probably in the extreme minority. Most people are really best suited to monogamy or maybe being a thruple, but any more than that and people pick favorites (or different favorites) and any sense of so-called "compersion" flies out the window and morphs into jealousy.
 
queerape said:
All of this goes to show that it's probably a bit optimistic to have a truly balanced poly relationship as people are bound to pick favorites. Sure, some people can pull it off but they are probably in the extreme minority. Most people are really best suited to monogamy or maybe being a thruple, but any more than that and people pick favorites (or different favorites) and any sense of so-called "compersion" flies out the window and morphs into jealousy.
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I'm friends with a poly couple and they seem to make it work somehow. Haven't really questioned much because it's not really my business and they're happy together and with how they do things.

But they're very much the exception to what we see posted here.
 
DanteAlighieri said:
I'm friends with a poly couple and they seem to make it work somehow. Haven't really questioned much because it's not really my business and they're happy together and with how they do things.

But they're very much the exception to what we see posted here.
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Well to be fair you can't judge a relationship unless you're in it, you can have a toxic ass relationship that on the outside seems great to other people, or you can delude yourself into believing you're happy in it like we've seen many poly people do.
 
wthfujoshis said:
Well to be fair you can't judge a relationship unless you're in it, you can have a toxic ass relationship that on the outside seems great to other people, or you can delude yourself into believing you're happy in it like we've seen many poly people do.
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I dunno, I've known them for over 5 years now and he's been forthcoming with drama so I'm sure any problems would've come up. And there's always signs in relationships, just contextual hints in the way they act and speak.

Again, exception and not the rule.
 
Teenage FBI said:
The guys are gay. A was deep in the closet then used OP as an emotional crutch until he was able to sashay away on his own two feet. Were it not for the polyamory twist, it’d be a tale as old as time, but even that could be explained away by B’s intense infatuation with A (enough to tolerate a clueless if nurturing fag hag) and/or shaky finances. (Did he pay rent?) I bet OP had little-to-no sex with either of them; they’re all relatively young; and (at least) A had a conservative upbringing. The only thing I do not understand is how OP could have been accepted into a PhD program. Is “polyamorous” an underrepresented minority?
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I can't believe she didn't see their relationship ending any other way. You see this sort of situation time and time again with closeted men. Only in most cases, the beard isn't stupid enough to find out her boyfriend cheated on her with another man, see his feelings for said man are a lot stronger than the way he feels towards her, and regardless of the facts think, "oh, we can all just date each other! It will be perfect!"

EDIT: I'm suddenly reminded of a guy I spoke to a few times online. He and his girlfriend at the time cheated on each other with the same guy, and when they found out, they all got in a poly relationship. The guy I spoke to ended up leaving the triad when he moved overseas. I always wondered how that went for them.
 
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Potatis Salad said:
Finally, polyamory is not exactly a haven for attractive people, but for some reason I'm getting the vibe that everyone involved in this pathetic story is really really really ugly.
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At bare minimum, the instigators are usually ugly on the inside, and they end up making their victims ugly on the inside, too.
 
This has been a quiet thread for a bit, time for some new content.

Today, it's a look at risk, entitlement, freedom, and safety.

Let's start at the start, some background on our featured poster (u/testingherwaters).

https://www.reddit.com/r/confession...e_leaving_my_ex_i_have_been_taking_risks_and/ (Archive)
7 Months Ago
I was a true free spirit and then I met him. The first year he did nothing to hold me back but over the course of 5 years he became completely manipulative, controlling and possessive. Since leaving him I just want to do everything he told me not to, and more..!! i am 24f btw.
for example.. driving with no seat belt, Well actually leaving it permanently buckled up behind my back so I don't have to hear the car beep. Driving with my knee, speeding, taking a hitch hike from a random stranger and then having to make a run for it when he tried to touch me and kiss me.
Dating a guy who speeds on his motorcycle, outruns the cops, goes to crazy festivals and is so much crazy fun!
Doing drugs at a festival like acid, ecstasy, mushrooms, katemine.. I do not much care for drugs or even need them but what the heck!
I have been hooking up with guys, girls, and guys and girls! I got piercings, 3 tattoos and I love the pain. It makes me feel so alive.. I unconsciously heated up my knife with my light and swiped it on my arm just to feel that heat. I take rides from reckless drivers and stare at the road with this passion and adventure like I love knowing I am vulnerable to the fait of life.
I flirt with every attractive person I see and I tell them all that I am polyamorous. I am not sure if I am or if it is an excuse to be selfish. I ended up hurting a few people already but I can honestly say I was always completely honest with everyone. I am not a bad person because I am compassionate and upfront from the start but I am just rich on life experiences and do not have time for emotional baggage or drama.
I went to a festival and slept only 2 nights out of a whole week. I ate hardly anything and I jumped at every opportunity to get wild.
I plan on trying an orgy, an all girl sex party, 3 somes...
I got paddled and spanked on a bar at this festival. I know it sounds so slutty but it honestly is all in the name of polyamorous, consensual fun! and bdsm ?
Now this guy I am dating, we are soul mates and so in love.. problem is he does not want to share me and I have this idea I can turn him polyamorous and I know thats so messed up!
I fire dance for a living and honestly do not see a need to conform to reality at all in this moment. Maybe I am crazy but it is working for me, I am happier then I have ever been and I feel no sense of fear or dread. Funny how once i am free my ex suddenly loves all the things about me that he suffocated and dimmed out. Nope. Anyway.. stay wild my friends.
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Our heroine (24F) recently got out of a long term relationship of 5 years and has decided to jump right off of the deep end and is now taking risks for the sake of tasking risks.
No safety belt when driving with her legs, cutting herself, tats, piercings, taking drugs (Ketamine, Acid, Mushrooms, etc) from strangers and a whole lot of fucking.

But also she meets a guy during all of this and even though they just started dating she claims that they are soulmates and that she can convert him to poly one day.

(Side Note - it isn't included in this post but she is also allegedly a mother during this time, to a daughter)

So our heroine (funny, I know, because of the hard drugs) is practices polyamory to some degree and will try and get her boyfriend to do so later, but what kind of polyamory does she practice?

https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularo...nk_we_should_allow_our_partners_to_cheat_and/ (Archive)
20 Days Ago
I think we should allow our partners to cheat and vice versa
renderTimingPixel.png

I know that this is truly an unpopular opinion.. And classified more along the lines of polyamory, swinger etc..
But sometimes there's nothing like that one special person telling you, you're all mine! Or seeing them get possessive.. I get that. It's nice to feel wanted and safe but honestly most of what I see just becomes codependency. I see so many empty souls running around just filling themselves with expectations.
I get that lying is wrong.. But it's human nature to be attracted to others. I would let my partner be with others if he wanted to. For some reason it doesn't hurt me, doesn't make me love him less and doesn't make me feel any less amazing.
It might be because of my first relationship which I guess was with a predator that I became lacking in this area where I just don't see it being so wrong to flirt and be with others. I only don't do it because of his wishes.. But if I were to do it, it wouldn't feel wrong. We all have attractions. Why sit and worry about what they might do. Why not just allow them to be free if we truly love them.. How does loving someone else hurt people so bad. Why is it such a betrayal to share love.
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I left the title in that one because it's really the main selling point, but as a Polyamory scholar (thanks, this thread) I would say this is pretty extreme even by polyamory standards. Additionally, it's important to note as of 20 days ago her relationship still doesn't appear to be polyamorous, because she's referring to things she would do, not things she does.

Let's fast forward to today, and see things are going. (Spoiler : It hasn't turned into a nightmare, yet).

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/bea6uw/is_it_passive_aggressive_for_him_to_say_he_might/ (Archive)

I met Alex and we were together 5 months so far. At first I was upfront and said I am bi, polyamorous the whole 9 yards. He said he was cool with it and all but as we fell in love he started asking for more and more.
Eventually we are in a full blown monogomous relationship and that lasted a few months. At first it was fine and I was content but I started getting restless and feeling really miserable. I felt like I was lying to myself about who I am and I was so unhappy.
I forced myself to be the bigger person, to respect him and let him go find someone who can fulfill what he needs, because I know it isn't me (mono).
I wanted to finally be a good person and not play with someones emotions or be selfish but to my surprise he didn't want to end it. He said he wanted to try polyamory and that maybe it was a hidden desire of his and part of who is he is.
For a few weeks I was happier then I ever been. Getting this man I love and being so free. A love that sets you free. But I noticed he didn't seem to be venturing out but still always wanting to see me.
As time goes on he seems off sometimes and today he called and said he would have to start wearing condoms with me. I found it really strange because we agreed to wear them with others so we didn't have to with each other. He said that they leak and he gets a rash when he is with a woman who has been with other men recently.... Said his urologist confirmed this many times as to what his rash was.
I accused him of that being bs and him just trying to make a point or trying to stack guilt or shame onto what I'm doing. I'm really not sure what to do here. I don't want to lose him but I also don't want either of us to go on being unhappy.
Mind you when we were mono we fought a lot about dumb things like petty, things that only mono people would fight about. Since opening the relationship we haven't fought once.
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So, she finally talked her "soulmate" into poly by threatening to end the relationship (always a great start, btw). She, presumably, starts slutting around and her "soulmate" starts getting rashes on his genitals and skin and is going to start using condoms with her - at his doctor's suggestion.

(Side note to any kiwis - if you're going to bang a poly, tatted up, acid triping, fire dancer from burning man - WRAP THAT SHIT UP)

He gave her everything she wanted and she has the nerve to be offended that he asks for a single thing, a thing that could wind up saving his life. The only shocking thing isn't her entitlement, the shock comes from her thinking she's a big risk taker when her "soulmate" must be a daredevil-level risk taker to put it in her raw at any point.
 
Mind you when we were mono we fought a lot about dumb things like petty, things that only mono people would fight about. Since opening the relationship we haven't fought once.
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I'm very curious to know what she thinks are petty, dumb things that only "monos" fight about. So far in this thread we've had just about every "mono" relationship issue you can possibly think of rearing up with a vengeance in poly relationships. And about a hundred more that "monos" don't have to deal with.
Also, I assume they haven't fought since opening up the relationship because she's too busy fucking other dudes to speak to him. That's generally how things go.
 
Honestly, at least most of the dumbasses in this thread pretend to be honest and open and then act all surprised by their partners jealousy. This psycho endorses lying and cheating for the purpose of intentionally inciting a jealousy reaction in her partner. She likes to hurt people on purpose because it makes her feel good to see their hurt reaction. She's a fucking sociopath.
 
Courage = cucking. Got it.

If that's the only claim to courage you can make, I guess it has to do.
 
I don't understand the "controlling" thing, they're basically assuming everyone is poly and no one would be in a mono relationship unless their partner is a jealous, possessive, controlling asshole.
Sometimes I feel like poly people are just a bunch of conspiracy theorists.
 
wthfujoshis said:
I don't understand the "controlling" thing, they're basically assuming everyone is poly and no one would be in a mono relationship unless their partner is a jealous, possessive, controlling asshole.
Sometimes I feel like poly people are just a bunch of conspiracy theorists.
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Honestly it seems to be something people say to avoid feeling bad and get their partners off their back. You know how abuser are controlling, you wouldn’t want be a abuser? Controlling in these cycles seems mean anything that trys to make someone do or not do something. Unfortunately all most all communication is done to affect someones actions. So how does this work with poly being all about communication? Well basically my way or the high way. You shouldn’t put any limits down that don’t involve you, like you won’t do more than two dates a week. That’s fine but if you ask someone else to keep their dating few times a week you are horrible horrible person regardless of reasons for that request. Who cares if it’s have enough time with kids, it’s their time and you need respect that.
 
"Loving people without a script is scary." Uh, I don't think most people need a script to love someone. They just feel what they feel and form a relationship and get on with it. What do these people think the rest of society is doing? They think we're all just play-acting?
 
wthfujoshis said:
I don't understand the "controlling" thing, they're basically assuming everyone is poly and no one would be in a mono relationship unless their partner is a jealous, possessive, controlling asshole.
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Technically they might be right, though I doubt they know why. Primates are rarely monogamous, and there is evidence to suggest that monogamy in humans is an evolutionary response to an increased risk of infanticide:

www.pnas.org

Male infanticide leads to social monogamy in primates

Although common in birds, social monogamy, or pair-living, is rare among mammals because internal gestation and lactation in mammals makes it advantageous for males to seek additional mating opportunities. A number of hypotheses have been proposed to explain the evolution of social monogamy...
www.pnas.org www.pnas.org

That doesn't justify polyamorous people's false sense of superiority, of course. No amount of performative wokeness is going to stop a dude from chimping out when he realizes Tyrone is the father of his wife's new child. That's why polyamorous couples have so many rules: their elaborate fantasy roleplay comes crashing down the moment it crosses the uncomfortable lines of reality.

It's essentially the same as BDSM: people may find it thrilling in a safe environment, but it becomes outright horrific if they lose control of it.
 
wthfujoshis said:
I don't understand the "controlling" thing, they're basically assuming everyone is poly and no one would be in a mono relationship unless their partner is a jealous, possessive, controlling asshole.
Sometimes I feel like poly people are just a bunch of conspiracy theorists.
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It's kind of like Christian fundamentalists who think that if you don't teach the Ten Commandments in school, everyone will go around raping, murdering, and coveting their neighbors' oxen. Says more about their mindset than anything else.
 
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