My light switch explodes and my YIKESDOGERINO asks if i'm okay. I am sorry, why is my dog talking? I didn't see this in the steam page. The dog tells me we should have breakfast, where is my "sense of adventure" afterall. Then he tells me to put my clothes, but like, why? In fact, this whole thing is weird. You can't leave the room because the dog is still sleeping, you can put the clothes before talking to the dog and when the dog wakes up the MC (Lore) says he doesn't want to leave. Going back to bad "seems like a bad idea" but why? What?
(there is a glitch effect where kiddo becomes moron)
I leave the room and get INSTANT implication of abusive parents WOW dude you didn't even try. Even LISA tried.
(This man can't trust himself to do the laziest enviromental story telling, he has point out the alcohism out loud)
You can't examine a plant or a light without the dog talking about adventure, it's like he was written by chatgpt. You go to kitchen and it's fulled with socks that makes me think this is half a nightmare or something. Lore says the microwave is "perfect size for a head" which is the only funny thing he says until now. We can give dog the dogfood or we can give it thrash. This makes no sense and i assume it's for the sake of having an edgy route like undertale, without understanding how that worked. There is an axe outside but i don't pick it cause i want to see what happens.
Nigger it's been less than 3 minutes, all i did was give you food and throw the thrash. I can't even call this story rushed cause there is no "story" that happened. I don't even know this dog's name, if it was said i don't remember. We go back to sleep and i don't take off the wet hoodie (bravo pirate!) and the dog gives me emotional support speech about how "dont forget to have fun even if it looks grim, we'll always be together!"
We wake up and dog is gone and house is full of claw marks and broken stuff. We go outside and find dog collar and a new path. I go without taking the axe, use the save point and next room is a shitty log pushing puzzle pfft. I hear some roars, next room a monster appear out of thin air. Literally it just spawns frame 0. Lore cries and says it's not real while the monster speaks in some kind of wingdings fake alphabet.
We then get a veeery mediocre "boss fight" where i play baby's minigame like clicking on rocks, pick a direction to dodge and click in things in the right order like it's simon says. Since i didnt pick the axe, lore uses a stick. I do not like this hud btw.
(this steam screenshot has lore in PJs?)
LITERALLY 2/3 of the screen is empty space, i genuinely don't know how this shit passed through. You can say undertale wasn't that great either but it was a different screen and heavily stylized, this is just slapping a rectangle and 2 life bars.
Then an old man save us and we get a message on white screen saying "Don't give up, you can beat this!" motherfucker it's been 5 minutes i still did nothing myself so far! Stop pretending this is the climax lol.
Lore yells at the dude to get his dog but man says dog was taken so lore apologize (surprising). The man knows lore's name and says he will "explain when you're older", and you can call him Binder. He has the same hair color and thematic name so i'm getting strong "i am you from the future vibes" but shitty so it's possible.
(This looks like some fine ARG bait that is uselelss)
There is some fluff comments on the books but nothing funny or informative. Where is my quirky shit pirate? The most i a random carrot inside a glass and the note saying "break in case of goblin" but then lore says "why would you need a carrot in case of goblin?" and ruins it.
Binder says we mind go alone and recover an artifact in hopes of bringing dog back. This feels vague and lazy and shit, unlike something like OFF where it's vague and exciting. Lore ends by saying "Hey binder... thanks" and it reminds me of how the dog said thanks too and i feel like i'm spotting Pirate's first writing crutch here. We go inside the clock and teleport more shitty push puzzles.
(i wonder if these exist to pad the game beyond refund range...)
The weird thing is that Binder is watching us and these puzzles are shit so idk why i had to do this alone since i'm not anyway. You cannot even fail them, the few things you push cant be pushed back then you light the switch. We find the artifact but binder says something is wrong, and lore reveals his edgy side.
In a surprisingly effort in presentation, lore message starts normal "what is wrong?! I'm afraid-" then it glitches into a different message. Lore picks the book and starts levitating in the void, with messages saying "I was just like you full of hope and fear... then i became trapped in this prison" and "Show me what he sees in you".
We wake up in the house again and see the dog leave the room. Then we leave and instant transition to a dark maze while holding the book and some voice tell me i suck. That was a bit spooky i admit. I find the axe again and ignore it.
There are some pages on the ground that give me emotional support and by this point i'm kinda tired. Does this game have literally NOTHING ELSE? I walk and see "This is your fault" then pick a page and read "it will be alright buddy" and i don't get it, i still didnt actually do anything by my own volition this entire game. There is nothing to guilt trip me and there is nothing to praise me for. I have to examine the axe but i don't take it again.
We move boring pseudo maze and lore eventually gets fed up and throws the book on the ground and says allthe voice do is lies, he just wants his dog back and go home. Without the book we move on and meet that first monster again but lore is kinda pissed now.
I do shit damage so i actually lost here but i expected something again. When i lose i hear a voice telling me to not give up, then i yeet the stick and fight ends. Another voice says my story isn't over but his is... turns out the monster is... the dog!
Pirate is SUCH a fraud man, this whole thing so far feels very chatgpt (our only friend being the monster we kill by accident, random ally that requests artifact etc). The book reappears and mocks Lore then zaps the doggo. Lore says he wont let it and summons magic exactly like binder did (oh my god he really is future lore this has to be ai generated right)
Somehow the dog splits in 3 pieces that i assume are the 3 chapters. You can't click the right one cause this game will never be finished. I choose the left one first.
The book reappears and keeps mocking us for killing the dog and lore gives up and realizes he can't say anything. The book then drops an unironic simpsons reference ("Don't forget it, you're here forever!") as this is the start of the office job chapter. We're stuck on this room until i can solve a safe, there is some hints of numbers between filler objects descriptions but i don't get it, i don't know why the game suddendly wants me to put effort so i don't, i look at reddit and its 8913.
You see, the nine is because it's the "mightiest number" meaning mighty number 9. This is what pirate thinks a puzzle is.
The PC also says you can put 7 random numbers and it will accept anyway but i didn't believe it. What happened with WE SOLVE PUZZLES IN THIS HOUSE?
I see my dad outside and he says he can't let her see me so im ust GO! and telekinesis us out. I hallucinate the dog again and i'm back the dark "maze". We see book again and lore cries and tells the book to leave him alone. It's funny cause crying was all lore did so far. We solve the puzzle (its literally lighting 2 switches) and pick the book again. It says we are destined to failure (
) then we back at the tower. This book part is so poinltess it almost like a parody of itself.
(it's like pirate realized videogames need characters now)
I don't think it's intentional but Lore is quickly becoming a moody bitch. I wouldn't call it development cause he had nothing before but at least it's something. The dude says he knows he doesn't work there but he plays along so lore concedes and it just makes him bland again. At least commit to it.
I like the asthetics of this stage, at least pirate got a good artist.
Here we have a very mediocre stealth section where we hide in the office cubes. The ghost give us generic emotional support like "dont give up your dreams" and "it's easy to feel like you don't measure up, remember everyone does it too" which sounds ironic given the context but i can't tell what is real and what is joke anymore. This one feels like pirate projecting a shield on himself.
We meet the skeledino again and he says he'll help us get out if we help him. Lore says he has no choice so whatever, he tells me to use the password in the whiteboard and go work as the intern. Ok? We go to the office and put there, you just pick the right option no need to type. The computer then proceeds to rate us. Lore is big on smartness, slow and not stealthy (i got spotted). This joke seems to consider how long i took so at least it's a bit cute but it failed beacuse it called me smart after i got the password wrong multiple times (maybe it actually "looped") . Lore is assigned as to be a programmer, but he cant now so he'll be IT. I get no vacations.
I have to go somewhere i dont know. There a place where an npc tells me to find 5 ducks but i saw no ducks. There was another door with a batroom sink i can drink but i didnt. I watched youtube andi guess i have to drink it? I hallucinate and meet binder who is now in owl form because he changes form for some reason. He asks about the artifact and voice tells me to lie.
I tell him i found the book cause like, why would i lie, i barely know both the book and him anyway who cares. Binder tells me to search the dog fragment. He'll explain when its over and lore gets bitchy again. They exchange multiple lines about it and binder starts sounding retarded so i agree with lore but binder leaves. I got a key i guess. I still dk where to go.
I think i see a duck by random so i go get them, till i get 5 ducks. The other npc tells me to go pick the note in the note pc. Ok. Lore carries the decks on his head and note on his face, which is cute but it feels like a compromise due to the fact the game has no fucking inventory to tell if i actually have a key item or not. Bro says i look ridiculous and sarcastically should get promoted.
(ok that was a bit funny)
Maybe this is metacommentary on pirate's day on blizzard being ordered to bring stuff to his superiors? Anyway i unlock the cafeteria and i work there now. I do a very lame minigame where i walk and grab a sandwich or soda and give to the ghosts in the right combination. This lasts too long and after 29/30 the hidden timer ends and i get called a failure and weak performance. Computer says i missed a few employees (i missed ONE game geez) and that i dropped food on the floor. After cafeteria you see trays and spoons near the offices now.
I'm starting to see why pirate pretends this game takes so long to finish, it has these small things where the game points what you did meaning there is some dialogue variations that sound clever but are pretty shallow and pointless. The pc also pointed i kept getting the passwords wrong too. It's like pirate has a yanderedev mindset where easter eggs replace actual clever writing.
I unlock a new job and path, the mushroommail where i must stamp letter. We stamp some letters automatically (wow) and lore says this is dumb and he should search for the dog. The computer says we wont find him and its time for a new job and calls us nerdhire. Ok? If the joke is corporate exploitation i got it two jobs ago. Anyway there is a door and i can unlock it, it leads to a heart room.
Examining it we can see many profiles, turns out the ghosts had their free will removed and brainwashed to have happy thoughts while working forever. Real deep stuff.
The most important of those is my dad and it has glitchy effects. It starts calling him the boss and irreplaceable but glitches into a useless worker and made of garbage. I'm wondering if this is really the game and not Lore twisting his own perception of his father. It also reveals the guy we made a deal with doesn't actually work there, they simply haven't found a way to purge him and he manipulates other workers for unknown reasons. Lore is fully unknown too.
I meet the mushroom guy i replaced here and he says i'm not supposed to leave, this was his chance to escape and i fucked him, then a tube sucks him and it's implied he will be "repurposed". I guess it's clear the corporation is bad and created all these people while recycling them when they disobey.
I go to the cube and the OScar PC tells me to not leave. I leave. I'm bad at following directions so i become a manager. Time for new job. I unlock the elevator. The bro from the deal appears and asks a friend to open the elevator by smashing the button. I go inside he teleports later. The elevator goes sideways and he explains it's cause nobody moves up the corporate ladder (haha...), we all just sidegrade and it's worth when "family is on the line".
Lore starts seeing stuff from the past and cries. He wishes dad would listen to him and wonder if binder can be trusted. Random voice calls me follish indecisive again and lore gets determined. The hat guy reappears, gives me a red sherlock hat and tells me to find info on the boss. Ok. This is the same layout as before but the offices are fancy and there are no cameras now.
okay so i took a break from all this HYPE GAMEPLAY and came back. I wasn't feeling too negative but after a little time to think i realize
how fucking boring this videogame is. I pretty much did nothing but walk, have scripted fights, whine, shit puzzles and fetchquests since the game started. For now i'll try to go straight to the goal and not even bother interacting with anyone cause everything is unfunny.
I examine a thing and the object says there is a memory. Lore says he won't let him talk, book dares him to stop him then lore says "i... dont know how...
" (fucking try dude, yeet the book, punch it or something wtf) then the book tells him to suffer in helplessness (bruh) and take the memory. It's a quick image of his empty house and the book says it's a painful memory. IMO it was a painful lotta NOTHING. He tells me to look more... sure...
I realize now i can't fuck around and basically have to mash around the entire map hoping for clues. I find another memory and it's the house with a couch and the dog, i guess it adds stuff the more i find. I see these guys who have fun designs and are working out in the gym but like... why is there a gym? Is this a reference to something? Why aren't they working?
I fumble around until i see a room with just a pc and no ghost. I cant acess the pc cause i got no clearance but i find glasses in the drawyer, joe teleports there and asks me to give him near the pool (why cant he take it here...). I go there and then he asks me to get a coffee... I bring the coffee and he drops it in the void. Oh well. He apologizes and says he'll teach me how to whistle, at least this face is funny.
He tells me to not whistle near the pool. I do that and it summons pool paul or something. He gives me a heart locket and shows a new memory, the same as before but with... an extra furniture besides the couch... If you're pad this flashback this bad i won't bother pirate. I realize now this was filler and i stil lhave no idea what to do.
Actually... I watched the walkthrough and forgot that joe gave me a coin so i can use the vending machine. It drops a key that is actually another memory. It's the same as before but the tv is there now (amaaaaazing). You might call me retarded but even the walkthrough i'm watching seemingly has no idea where to go either as the dude is just rotatin the entire floor talking to everyone again hoping something different happens. He does until he goes back to the main hall door except NOW there is a gold necklace there and it's the final memory. IT WASNT THERE BEFORE!
Why is it like this?? I don't get it. This isn't fun, this isn't interesting, there is nothing to keep track of what i've done or where to go (i genuinely forgot), there is no logical progress and it goes against what i was ordered to do. Every single ghost office in the main room is useless, all you have to do is literally go back and forth the 2 dead ends on the left and right.
Oh look, it's me watching tv while my parents argue within hearing distance. that was it? But then the mother is like "he's wasting time with that... THING" like the dog is a racial minority or something. Mom says lore will end up like his father, WEAK. You always been WEAK. Mom just turns into an anime villain out of nowhere.
Lore can't believe it's her and he must get out. The computer appears and says he'll open the door for us. Joe appears and asks if we got any leads on the boss and Lore says "I think so" and i'm nah loser you then he says he's unsure if it's really her or not and then... what? Why would her be the boss? Was THAT what we were doing? Effectively piecing up the boss memories that happen to be our mom?
Joe then legit goes "hey look... i know i might be a jerk sometimes but i got your back" "thanks" meaning me did it AGAIN! I fucking can't with pirate's writing. The man only knows how to write one genuine moment of friendship and it's on the last conversation between 2 people where they thank each other. Joe then leaves cause he wont get fired which is a bit funny.
I go inside, OScar (computer) appears and says it's time for my termination, so i guess he's the boss. I'm no longer valuable so he'll delete me. He gives me 60 seconds. I pull his plug.
(well... that was easy... and pointless...)
next room is mom and she's certainly a baddie. She talks with glitchy effects but unlike dad hers become positive. She calls me brat then it glitches to sweetie. Dad then spawns out of nowhere and protects us.
Mom flicks her hand and yeets him. Lore cries again.
(He got what he deserved -> he's just having a time out honey)
Then he gets edgy.
The fight starts but in a twist, mom crashes the rectangle hud and says we aint fighting on her terms. This would've shocked me if i ever had an actual real fight on my terms but i didn't. This is like Pirate copying Asgore removing the mercy button in undertale but never let me use that button.
Mom taunts us ans ask what we'll do if she doesn't stop? Hurt us like i hurt HIM (dog?)? She says i fed the dog garbage (i didnt tho?) We then get a playable flashback where i get the option to choose again?
I chose the dog food again? Sure... Lore then says the dog is his friend and he would never do that. Says Dog always been there when his mother wasn't. This somehow deals damage to mom's life bar. She then says i stole from a poor old man, and there was a flashback to Binder's house where i apparently took an apple or something? I think i did but who cares, it was one apple bro. But i said i didn't do that and Lore say it never happened so i guess it must be true. I didnt really examine the house much. She takes damage again and i roll my eyes.
She then says i didn't kill the dog except i did? Then we flashback to the minigame and i fuck up to see what happens and lore says he hesitated and she laughs so i lose hp? suuuure. Then she says i killed Joe which is weird cause i wasn't aware that was even a fucking option at all??? I say i didnt and she takes dmg again and starts crying that i hate her ( O K A Y ? that was sudden).
(the words glitch to the other option and i dont know what to answer...i pick the first)
Lore says he doesn't hate her but the pain and sadness made him strong and teached him how to deal with her and people who hate themselves. Lore says he forgives her and she loses her hp. Dad reappears and says he should've listened to me, paid more attention to me. He says he got wrapped so much in work that he forgot what it meant to be a dad.
(This would be sad if wasn't rushed and badly written and shallow as hell... I really wish it was sad.)
lore says it's fine and dad says no it isn't but hopes it will one day. He gives me a phone to call him and says he'll go back to work which i find hilarious as this completely kills the moment. "I should've spent more time with you son. I really won't do it tho, byeeeee!" We exchange i loves yous and the dog appears. Lore cries and hugs the dog. Dog says it's hard to face bad memories but you must do it, don't give up!
(i'm so tired of this...)
We instantly transition to next zone choice. That was really fucking boring. Lets hope the next one will be better.
Book taunts me again, says these attachments only weigh me down...
. Lore tells it to shut up, he says the "no i dont think i will" meme. Book says Lore will only hurt them in the end and he gets sad. He says animus and my eyes widen up. That's the thing that Pirate never completed right? Does it mean... no...
We fell on the ground and some voices of what look like furries talk about waking me up.
Lore wakes up crying saying "i cant fight you waaa" then i meet what i can ONLY assume to be piratesoftware fursona.
oh lord noooo
He welcomes me to animus (oh no nono-) and tells me to feel free to move around while he leaves.
BUT YOU HAVE A TALKING DOG! Unless that's like you being a dumb kid like Calvin which you don't look OR maybe that's the joke but then you also talked to ghosts and fought your mom so why do you draw the line at animals? I'm sorry if i'm overthinking a dumb gag.
I go outside and some giant armadilo thinks i'm a monster and knocks me the fuck out.
Cirsi appears and says emelio is dumb and lore isn't a monster. Lore is messed up but says he's fine and must find baron who is his... he was going to say dog but now he isn't sure what he is anymore (?). We move on and bunny aplogizes for emelio. Bunny gives me a pocket watch that is added to the hud but is broken. We walk linearly until we're suduendly in the desert and there is a cave.
We meet emelio there and he's yelling at himself for hurting an innocent person, we get close and he turns around, hitting us again. Then we warp to the darkness maze zone again.
(Is literally every choice in the game going to be "Be good vs Be evil"? I said he didnt mean ofc cause i have no reason to be evil.)
We're back at the cave and it's elio's forge or something. Lore asks him to fix the watch, then emelio asks me to be his squire and follow outside to a new path. It's another cave with a ladder down into darkness. Lore says this is the start of a horror movie, then some shrooms hlow and he says "yep, mushroom horror" which is not funny but his best effort since the microwave. Emelio is tired and hurt but tells me to go look for the materials (you didnt tell what they are asshole).
(why would you ever be bad other than edgy route? I dont get it...)
Lore convinces emelio to go rest at his house. Emelio memes about MY BODY IS READY (pirate really likes these dead memes that i guess were not dead when he made the game) but cant stand up and sleeps.
We go back to the cave and i get more "YOu're weak... you always been weak messages" and i'm physically cringing at this point. This n i g g e r CANNOT write anything else. Take the keyboard out of this nigges hand PLEASE.
Piratesoftware's greatest achievement was tricking people into thinking Heartbound is an undertale ripoff when in reality it's a fucking walking simulator about depression. And the worst part, it's garbage at it because if it was a good walking sim about depresison i would give it props (see my comments in this thread), but it isn't, it's boring and lazy and shit and about NOTHING.
We see a fissure or something and then talk to two spirits of desert and forest i guess. They call me a broken vessel but say they'll root for me or something, Lore's reply sound like he knows them and asks why they care but i dont know. Then he says "welp i lost it" and no buddy, you can do that twice in 5 minutes. We get a rock and go back.
The voice tells me to hurt emelio. Of course i don't and play along cause i have noreason to do that. It calls me pathetic and i roll my eyes again.
Guys i'm starting to think this game really isn't that smart. It asks me to do bad or good thing and i do good thing and it calls me weak as if that has some kind of correlation. Why can't you just kill random people lore? Or take this apple? WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I become friends with emelio. He says the watch is not fully fixed so i must look for someone named fern.
...Is the whole chapter going to be this?
We go to the next place and two new furries appear, one lion girl thinks i'm a monster and almost attacks me. The deer saves us. The deer is fern and i give her the watch.
Fern keeps joking around and says this shit is broken as fuck lol
No it isn't Pirate, we've talking for 40 seconds. I don't know why you keep giving me edgy choices at this point. Fern says she'll fix after lunch. By this point i take another break cause time has passed and i realize i spent way more time actually writing this comment for this thread than actually playing the game, which i don't regret because at this point i feel like i would've given up if i wasn't writing this right now. Kiwifarms saved my heartbound lp.
I reload my save and in this game when you reload you start back at your room which i find genuinely cute, probably the only nifty detail in the game. There is a phone there and i can call my dad, but Pirate shatters my expectations again.
HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING! WHYYYY. Why do you have to fumble everything! It's liek pirate wanted to ripoff the earthbound phone or the undertale phone but didn't even try. He shouldn't have tried at all!
Anyway we go inside the house and it's one small room. I talk to lion girl and she's worreid about something. Book tells me DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT IT NOT YOUR PROBLEM i do cause i want content in my video game and it callsm edisgusting. Anyway, lion girl tells me to go outside with her to talk and we go search for food in the meanwhile.
(Unrelated but my fullscreen broke somehow, i had to disable and enable it again)
I reach a wide room and see rhode (lion) and she says something like "They used to say bad things about you..." and Lore goes WAAA ITS NOT REAL then she disappears and another lion appears. Rhode says we hunting and i get strong fetish aura from this sprite.
(Lore? More like vore am i rite)
Rhode then comes at us but then a fucking chicken appears out of nowhere and smacks us. Turns out she was talking about the chicken and i need to go grab it. I run after it and rhode is somehow giving me orders and lore asks how she is doing that and she says dont worry and lore looks annoyed.
I want to say, i didn't mention this much because i dismissed it as bad humor but the game uses "lore is confused -> dont worry -> annoyed look" thing waaaay too often, it happens with every single non enemy interaction and it stopped being funny a while ago. In fact, he does it AGAIN right after i typed this.
Yes lore keep saying "did THAT just happened?" over and over, it gets funnier everytime!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Then they do it AGAIN! And she says yes again, and he is annoyed silent. You can't even do rule of 3 correctly.
Anyway lore gets the chicken but passes out and loses everything. At least it they say it was fun. She asks me to hang out iwth her and the voice tells me to move on and she doesn't even care and at this point.
Like, why i'm i still getting these options? It's not even a jerk choice now cause i assume i just miss out on "content" and this game has absolutely nothing else to offer. This chapter is just a filler slice of life bullshit where nothing happens, why should i be in a hurry?
Oh god this is going to be about lesbians oh lord, i think she's going to confess to the deer girl, i feel in my bones
We sit lay down and look at the sky to relax. Voice tells me "dont think about her, she doesn't matter". I think about her. Voice says she's not even real (YOU'RE not real!). We have a quick generic talk. Rhode mention the deer girl (OH NO ITS LESBIANS).
Pirate wants his undyne/alphys lesbian points without actually putting any effort into it. I tell rhode to confess, voice tells me i'll break her heart (who cares bro i dont remember the other girls name). We say goodbye and then...
THEN PIRATE DOES IT AGAIN!
Rhode:... Oh and lore...
Lore: What?
Rhode:... Thanks.
Lore: No problem.
Rhode:
...
Lore:
...
This fraud failure of a ferret fucker has one writing trick! ONE!
The desert and forest spirits randomly appear again. They congratulate me for my passion or whatever, i dont really care man, lore is whining again. They comment on every choice i did, i chose to listen, i chose to help, i thought about her i'm such a nice guy wow they will keep rooting for me. Then voice tells me to hurt them and for the first time i have no choice.
... or i WOULD have no choice if apparently waiting didn't cancel it. I accidentally denied the order by doing nothing, which was accidental lol.
(How funny that this twist didnt land because i was writing on kiwifarms)
We're back then i see rhode and deer talking. She gives her a flower crown as a gift and deer says "you already know what i'll say haha... Lets go home ya dork!" and i admit was a bit surprising. It being so fast and non dramatic accidentally makes this confession look natural and obvious. Still rushed and i can't talk to them again. I get the watch outside the house and it's time to go fuck off elsewhere.
(This random spongebob reference is random even by this game standards)
We go a new path and meet a weird dog person. Turns out is a mole who is searching for a monster and thought i was it. Lore says his name and he wonders if he's "the evil brother of the robot" and "i'm sure someone will get it". I sure didn't.
I guess this was a star trek reference? Cause that's a forced af reference and pointing out the reference is obscure isn't funny. It's more like pirate flexing his own bad sense of humor. Lore does the annoyed face again.
Lore says ramul gave him the pocket watch (who tf was ramul again) and he's trying to fix it. wait it's ot fixed YET? urrrrggh... Mole says he can help so thats looking like another shitty slice of life tale.
AAAAAA Why is this man a game devloper if he hates videogames, this entire chapter is me hanging out with what looks like kickstarter OC fursonas!
Voice tells me to not hang out, i do anyway. We sit near the river and wait for the "cryptid" missing mink or something. We wait a bit and nothing happens.
(Another BANGER choice from yours truly)
The mole says her name is avocado. "Is your name avocado? yes. Like the fruit? Yes. *annoyed face*" (COMEDY GOLD). Something appears in the water and avocado hits me with a fishing pole.
*annoyed ...*
I think we're getting a shitty FISHING MINIGAME BAYBEEEEE.
Except i talked too early. Lore cant pick the rod so i have to lick on stuff around. I grab the web, the fly moves, the frog falls in the dark water and disappear. I use the rod and he throws it inside. They panic for some reason?
COMEDY = GOLD
Turns out it was a stick
(The artist is trying really really hard to salvage this)
They leave and turns out there was a loch ness monster under the stick. Anyway we go to the mole house and she'll fix the watch in time. how time? "cant rush perfecttion" *annoyed face*. I go outside but the paths are now blocked. I go back inside and mole is done.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
This has to be satire right? This has to be some kind of post modern joke about the emptyness of playing bad videogames?...
I go to the next zone and it's a black void. The spirits appear again. "The vessel is stronger. He sure is". Voice tells me to hurt them. I wait it out AGAIN.
NOOOO YOU CANT DO THIS! You had a single clever meta gameplay trick and you did it again 10 minutes later! You ruined it! Why are you like this pirate, whyyyyy...
They wonder if i'll "break the cycle" and leave. Then i appear in a farm or something. There is an old turtle couple named Sheldon and Shelly.
(they house is unique looking at least)
I talk toshelly and she says it's time to go and i must agree. Sheldon says he wont go then we get a versus screen with their profiles enhanced!... Only for sheldon to open wide his eyes ans slowly back away, in what is one of the few fun gags in the game.
I don't know why i'm following them since i haven't mentioned the watch, they simply think i'm the rabbit's friend and i'm going to a picnic i guess. They fight like a married couple and when lore says both are grumbling they tell him to shut up.
It's played as a joke and I HATE THAT because i feel like
pirate forgot lore is supposed to have parent's who argue with each other and this should entice some kind of emotional reaction.
Anyway the path branches and they argue some more then yell at me and split up. I have to follow one of them, i pick sheldon.
Sheldon apolgizes i had to see that and lore smiles saying it's fine, proving to me that Pirate forgot Lore's parental trauma. The voice tells me to not listen to sheldon cause it will hurt me, i do anyway. He just gives quick talk about living long and me not knowing how life works. That was literally it. wow. Voice tells me to not talk back and i'm sooo tired already...
Sheldon then says "Misery" rules over animus and decides when you die but people nowadays dont believe in it anymore. He praises me for knowing how to enjoy life and the moment. Voice tells me to stay silent, i ask about shelly. He says in the end they have each other shells and thanks me for letting him stop bottling his feelings.
Voice tells me to shut up. I ask about rabbit. Sheldon says he lives life too fast. Lore says if sheldon wants to give him a better life he should avoid making rabbit follow his choices, and he agrees. That was a fine conversation and not that long either. I like how there is no minigame bullshit here, but i feel like it's not a councious choice but Pirate being lazy because what happens next is...
THE END? ITS OVER? THAT'S IT??? YOU COULDN'T FINISH THIS CHAPTER IN 7 YEARS? HOOOOOW? IT'S LITERALLY JUST WALKING SIMULATOR??
What do you mean "stop him" you can't stop what doesn't move!
Then we get another shitty fake alphabet message and you know it, the fucking merch link!
That is it. That was my sweet release. It's joever.
(there is a glitch effect where kiddo becomes moron)
(this steam screenshot has lore in PJs?)
