Hello you fine Polyamorists! I (34nb) have two partners, Joy (39F) (together 1.5 years) and Fire (33nb) (together a little over a year).
TLDR: Looking for advice on how to process through the body and physiological sensations of jealousy. I’ve done an intense amount of emotional and intellectual labor both individually and with my partner. I do not know what else to do, the body sensations remain.
Partner started dating a couple she has been in relationship with previously. I have pulled out every trick in my poly toolbox, asked for help and advice from others. I intellectually know, that my partnership isn’t in any danger, and that Joy is acting in an extremely upright and supportive ways. That being said, It seems no matter how much I process, or what I do, I still have physical feelings in my upper belly of deep, painful and uncomfortable jealousy. Like, I intellectually know everything is fine, I’m not losing anything, I am profoundly loved, and yet I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach consistently. It’s like…. Trying to integrate into my body what I know but that doesn’t seem to be moving.
Longer read below. ——————————————-
Joy has recently re-engaged dating with a married couple (Paul and Diane) that she has been on again, off again with, mostly on, for 7 years. They all took a break during the pandemic years due to, essentially, due to Diane breaking up with Joy, then vetoing Joy and Paul’s sexual relationship. The couple has recently reached out to Joy, having realized and discussed the mistakes and mistreatments they did, and according to Joy, she is being treated in the way she desires. They’ve all had a lot of conversations and things seem to be mending. There is deep love and mutual care between them all. The relationship is inherently very hierarchical in favor of Paul and Diane, and will only ever go partially up the relationship escalator. While I have suspicions and feel protective of Joy, she is a grown ass woman and will make the choices she feels are best for her.
I’ve been wildly struggling with visceral feelings of jealously, in a more intense way than I ever have before.
Fire has a sweetheart, Gem. I struggled quite a bit at first with their relationship, largely due to access wounds (Fire is long distance, and not having regular time with them while their lover does, was difficult.) but after a couple Months made peace within myself, and now generally feel supportive and often some level of compersion that Fire is able to get their needs met elsewhere. I met Gem, and they are a Gem. Absolutely love them. What a fantastic human being. I’m glad my mate has someone that excellent as a companion. We’ve become friends, which I don’t expect from a meta, but do enjoy when it shakes out that way.
Meanwhile, it’s been a couple months since Joy, Paul and Diane re-engaged. From the outset it has felt like I’ve been punched in the stomach, and that feeling has had very little abatement.
I’ve been doing SO MUCH emotional labor. Every day. I am determined to show up in an upright way, that honors my partner’s sovereignty. And not to behave in ways that are manipulative or destructive/let my feelings come out sideways. She isn’t doing anything wrong, but oh my fuck this is difficult and painful to me, and I am having so much trouble understanding the why.
Joy’s relationship with Paul and Diane is within the boundaries of our relationship agreements. She has been highly communicative, and very caring throughout the entire process of starting to date them again. She has been consistently patient, supportive, caring, compassionate, and gentle with me while I am working through my feelings; which is so deeply appreciated by me. My other mate Fire has also been deeply supportive and compassionate, to both of us throughout this.
Not that I do, but If I had the ability or option to end their relationship right now, I would not.
This seems to be a fulfilling dynamic for Joy, with people she loves and cares about. I don’t wish to control her or dictate with whom she shares herself. I just don’t want to feel this way. I want to get to neutral, with maybe even occasional compersion. On an intellectual level, I’m glad that she is finding fulfillment and connection with folx she feels safe and happy with.
I struggle with the physical sensations of this more than anything.
I also have been experiencing very visceral flashes of, especially, Paul and Joy having sex. Like, for most of this time, almost any time Joy and I engage sexually, I get flooded with images of them together. I touch her, into my mind unbidden come images of him touching her in that way. It’s horrible. To combat this, we’ve begun starting sexual encounters off with very intentional connection, breathing, drawing circle/wards around the bed energetically, stating and cultivating intention of being there with only one another specifically, trying to stay focused and present. It works fairly often, but is still an issue for me regularly.
I’ve had other partners in the past, Fire included and most recently, who I did not struggle nearly so much with their connections with others.
I met Paul and Diane last night, which is usually very helpful for me. I feel meh about them. Nice enough folx, but I don’t really understand the appeal, which is not super helpful in my process. I was polite, we had some good conversations. But I’m not super stoked on them. I’d have some conversions at a party or dinner but have no desire to say, spend a weekend camping or something.
I don’t need to particularly be over the moon about my metas, I don’t have an expectation around that. Joy finds fulfillment with them and that’s what fundamentally matters. It’s not my relationship.
I’m feeling stuck. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve done so much emotional and intellectual labor trying to integrate this and move past these feelings, and the physical sensations are still there and so damn strong.
At this point, I’ve resigned myself to the distinct possibility that it will just take time, and more consistent effort, and practice, to get to a place of mainly neutrality. That being said I have a poignant desire to speed the process.
I’m trying my best to not let my pain splash out onto Joy, but she cares about me deeply, and what I feel affects her. Even if I’m doing my best to be supportive, she knows I’m hurting, and that causes her pain, as her choices are what I’m struggling with. Which I then feel bad about. So like, there’s a cycle going on in which each of know we haven’t done anything wrong, but feel like we each are due to the pain the other is experiencing.
Any advice, rituals, techniques, ideas, hard truths, perspectives etc. that anyone has would be deeply appreciated. Trying to do the thing over here in an honorable and loving way.
Thanks for reading.
