Joshua Wise & Stephen Boyd The Chris-Chan Extortionists - and the End of Evangelion

[Yop Yop]

People have been picking out Barb's casket for quite a while, but realistically she could outlive Chris. I don't think she is as frail as many people think, she lost weight and appears to have some possible neurological issues either from a stroke or maybe dementia setting in, but she is one of those mean old battleax women who somehow outlive everybody else. They outlive everybody who starts planning for their demise, possibly out of sheer spite. She's 76 and could probably go another 15-20 years.

Chris on the other hand is obese, lives a sedentary lifestyle, and lives on fast food. According to the Father Call, he was on medication for his cholesterol in his 20's. He can't be in good cardiovascular health. Who knows what other substances he puts in his body to grow a TRUE AND HONEST china, and what effects those will have on his long term health. I've read a few articles about studies that have found that people with autism have a shorter life expectancy than people without it. I've seen the average life expectancy listed at 36-39 years.

At the end of the day, who knows how long any of us have, but the "homeless when Barb dies" saga isn't a given.

What do you think Chris' funeral will be like

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

What do you think Chris' funeral will be like

Hirtes, Wise, and Boyd leading a circle jerk around the coffin with other A-logs. Shortly after, Marvin will burst in and scare them away.

Like WTF,
I feel guilty for saying dumb stuff about Chris, but all this information from this recent saga is just mind-blowing. I think now more than ever Chris needs to be put somewhere, or he's going to find himself on the wrong side of another sadist.

 

[Alpha Centauri]

I was thinking of ways Chris could make a semi-reliable small stream of income and I came up with answering fanmail on youtube streams.

It's free, harmless, easy enough for even him to do, doesn't require him to interact with others or leave his house, and he could use youtube's Super Chat or other services (such as Streamlabs) to take in money from commenters who can't be bothered to send a letter. Obviously Chris doesn't realize his very existence is a marketable product but maybe something simple like that could give him a hint of it.
Though I'm hesitant to actually message him and suggest it because of the current wéen drama.

Thoughts?

 

[CWCissey]

What do you think Chris' funeral will be like

Distraction funeral arranged by Null, when Hirtes and the Spastic Skwad turn up to teabag the corpse he will burst out of the coffin and give them a scare before Bite It You Scum by GG Allin blasts on loudspeakers as all the Kiwis he could muster burst into the church armed with whatever blunt instruments they could grab to beat those wankers to death.

The real funeral will then go ahead, and it will be livestreamed.

 

[Cheeseburger Picnic]

A dossier of Wise's sexual deviance forwarded to his parents wouldn't be out of order or A-Logging considering that he's clearly in close proximity to younger relatives on a routine basis and has a sexual interest in lolis and taking sexual advantage of power dynamics.

 

[Yop Yop]

Distraction funeral arranged by Null, when Hirtes and the Spastic Skwad turn up to teabag the corpse he will burst out of the coffin and give them a scare before Bite It You Scum by GG Allin blasts on loudspeakers as all the Kiwis he could muster burst into the church armed with whatever blunt instruments they could grab to beat those wankers to death.

The real funeral will then go ahead, and it will be livestreamed.

False. His funeral will be regarded as true and honest content and therefore only his patreon customers will be able to attend. Attendees will be highly encouraged to bring a set of Legos or transformers toy as a final offering.

 

[Mason Verger]

A dossier of Wise's sexual deviance forwarded to his parents wouldn't be out of order or A-Logging considering that he's clearly in close proximity to younger relatives on a routine basis and has a sexual interest in lolis and taking sexual advantage of power dynamics.

Boyd has much younger siblings too, I don't think it would be out of the question the Wise and Boyd share kinks.

 

[Cheeseburger Picnic]

Boyd has much younger siblings too, I don't think it would be out of the question the Wise and Boyd share kinks.

Depends on what kind of dirt Captain et al have on him, because I think utilizing Vordy tactics ansd screeching that he's a pedophile would be counterproductive, whereas they have actual irrefutable proof that Wise is a deviant sadist.

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

My questions to @Marvin are as follows:
1. Do you think Chris was being groomed to be physically raped? (no joke)
2. Did you think Chris was capable of more than falling for the lunacy of these two perverts?
3. Do you think this event will leave Chris more vulnerable in the future?

 

[Mason Verger]

Depends on what kind of dirt Captain et al have on him, because I think utilizing Vordy tactics ansd screeching that he's a pedophile would be counterproductive, whereas they have actual irrefutable proof that Wise is a deviant sadist.

What would be interesting is to turn one on the others. I'm pretty confident Boyd's as big a scumbag. After all, getting Chris to hit Barb was his idea.

That begs the question: what about the Canadian asshole?

 

[Marvin]

1. Do you think Chris was being groomed to be physically raped? (no joke)

The speds being in Cali and Kentucky makes that unlikely.

Additionally, I think these guys' sex lives are entirely in their heads, and are probably 80% gay chinese cartoons.

2. Did you think Chris was capable of more than falling for the lunacy of these two perverts?

I did not.

3. Do you think this event will leave Chris more vulnerable in the future?

No, I think Chris will be particularly wary of weirdos online for awhile.

I think the primary danger for the next six months or so will be people meeting Chris IRL. People can basically just waltz up to Chris IRL and chat him up. I would imagine most people are too scared to commit any serious crimes against Chris IRL, but you never know. At the least, they can fuck around with him IRL.

I think the worst thing for his safety is people being friendly to Chris and breaking down his suspicions.

 

[Subconcious Offense]

Whatever happened to these two? Were they just actually TRUE AND HONEST fans?

 

[Cedric_Eff]

A dossier of Wise's sexual deviance forwarded to his parents wouldn't be out of order or A-Logging considering that he's clearly in close proximity to younger relatives on a routine basis and has a sexual interest in lolis and taking sexual advantage of power dynamics.

It's likely that Wise's parents don't give a shit. But at the same time, they're probably pissed off at him.

Whatever happened to these two? Were they just actually TRUE AND HONEST fans?

You tell me about it, look at Copitz's face. Look at how elated he is.

 

[PuckishRogue]

Wise's parents are probably the classic "My sweet child would NEVER" over the phone while mouthing her distaste and anger to her son as he watches. She'd never admit wrongdoing in public, but is probably having a bit of concern over how fucked up her kid is.

 

[LagoonaBlue]

I was thinking of ways Chris could make a semi-reliable small stream of income and I came up with answering fanmail on youtube streams.

It's free, harmless, easy enough for even him to do, doesn't require him to interact with others or leave his house, and he could use youtube's Super Chat or other services (such as Streamlabs) to take in money from commenters who can't be bothered to send a letter. Obviously Chris doesn't realize his very existence is a marketable product but maybe something simple like that could give him a hint of it.
Though I'm hesitant to actually message him and suggest it because of the current wéen drama.

Thoughts?

I'd like to see that. However there's still people out there who would take great delight in mailing Chris literal shit in a box so I'd suggest a middle man to go through the mail.

 

[Alpha Centauri]

I'd like to see that. However there's still people out there who would take great delight in mailing Chris literal shit in a box so I'd suggest a middle man to go through the mail.

I'm such a luddite.
>Send emails rather than letters
Do people even correspond through letters anymore?

 

[LagoonaBlue]

I'm such a luddite.
>Send emails rather than letters
Do people even correspond through letters anymore?

I do, however I only do so if I'm mailing gifts to my friends. Any other time I just contact people through social media.

 

[The American Hedgehog]

However there's still people out there who would take great delight in mailing Chris literal shit in a box so I'd suggest a middle man to go through the mail.

Someone actually did that once.

Chris: Uhh, no no no, um, so that does not happen, very often... Uh, only once... time, only one time, though, somebody had sent me a Tupperware full of... Horse manure... And we put that- and we put that in the-
Arthur: [stifled laughter, breaking character] I'm sorry, no, you gotta be kiddin'- [in character] no. That's just wrong.
Chris: Yeah. That- th- anyway w- we put that in the trash immediately after we figured that-

 

[Marvin]

I'd like to see that. However there's still people out there who would take great delight in mailing Chris literal shit in a box so I'd suggest a middle man to go through the mail.

Presumably it'd just be something like the mailbag from the past, just without the troll questions.

 

[Creep3r]

I already went through the trouble of writing this, so I may as well post it here.

In response to that highly exceptional "Helping Chris Discussion" that was just closed, Chris needs help, but he doesn't need help from Null or financial aid since it shouldn't be the job of a total stranger to act as Chris's guardian 24/7 since he clearly needs constant monitoring from a professional, and giving money to Chris is a bad idea since he clearly doesn't know how to take care of himself and his awful mother would just blow it on useless shit. He needs help alright, but actual help from the system. He needs an actual social worker or to have his internet connection cut off once and for all. If Null wishes to help him, that's the best he can do for him and find him that kind of actual help at least. Also the OP of that thread and others who sperg about Chris and want him to suffer for being the literal spawn of Hitler for saying mean things on the internet feel more like twisted /cow/ rejects if anything or whatever triggered individuals wrote this thing (http://villains.wikia.com/wiki/Chris-Chan) that was posted on the /cow/ thread bitching about kiwifarms.