TL;DR: I’m about to be rejected by a guy because me bottoming with my pussy makes his (total bottom) husband insecure. How to proceed?
I never thought I’d be writing this, but here we are.
I (27 FTM) have been friends with this guy J (41 cisM) and his husband B (40 cisM) for 2.5 years, flirting with J for about 18 months. They’re in an open relationship and so am I.
Eight months ago, my boyfriend, my boyfriend’s husband, my husband, J and myself (but not B) went on a trip abroad. On that trip J and I finally ended up fucking. I bottomed with my front hole and the sex was amazing, some of the best I’ve ever had.
When J told B, he was pissed off. Mostly for reasons mostly unrelated to this post (the circumstances were messy), but one thing he said took me by surprise. J said that he wasn’t sure whether we’d be able to hook up again because he thinks B is insecure about my pussy. As in, as a cis gay man, B feels inferior because he doesn’t have a purpose-made bonus hole to bottom with.
Now for some background. J has been with B for around 8 years and he considers himself 100% gay. But before that, J had a 10-year relationship with a woman. They broke up for reasons unrelated to J’s sexuality, which he only figured out a few years after the break-up.
Apparently, J hooking up with me magnified some of B’s anxieties around J’s sexuality. J thinks that B is scared that deep down, what J really wants for a partner is a trans man. J assured him that it wasn’t the case - not that he wouldn’t date a trans man, just that he isn’t seeking one out specifically - and that he was perfectly happy with B’s downstairs equipment.
Fast-forward to last weekend. J, B and our mutual friends were out clubbing. I was chatting to B on the dancefloor, and ended up asking him if I could have J over at mine the next week as my husband was going to be out of town. (a rare occurrence) B smiled, said "let’s not talk about this here" and we left it at that. I didn’t think much of it until I texted J the next day, framing that conversation like "god how cringe of me to ask B instead of you". J told me he’d be keen to come over if my boyfriend and husband were okay with it (I told him I’d ask), and that he’d ask B.
This morning, I texted J that I had a green light from my boyfriend and husband, and asked him about B. He said he spoke to him, and that "it’s complicated." We’re meant to chat about it tonight.
Now I’m a bit pissed off. It’s been 8 months since J and I hooked up and I really thought B was over the whole trans thing. B and I even made out and touched each other’s dicks/holes a few times. I don’t know for sure that my transness is the "complication" but I’m 90% sure it is, and I really don’t like it. I’m confident, comfortable in my body and rarely ever experience dysphoria, but ngl, this stings.
If it comes down to it, I plan to make sure that J understands that B not wanting him to fuck me because I’m trans is transphobic, no matter how he frames it. (Edit: I don’t think B is acting out of transphobia anymore and don’t plan to tell J - see comments) But besides that, I’m at a loss. J is a good friend, and an amazing trans ally. But B is his partner of many years and I understand him not wanting to make a fuss about a hook-up that ultimately means very little to either of us. That said, I would feel betrayed, and I think I would think less of J for not challenging B.
This is already way too long, so I’ll stop here. If any of you have had similar experiences I’d love to hear them. Feel free to only reply to the title/TL;DR as well.
Update: J and I had a chat tonight. See
my comment for details. TL;DR: It’s not my transness B is worried about, and even though he technically gave J his consent J and I think it’s better to hold off for now.
