Things that I, Joshua "Null" Moon, would like to do but cannot

[sperginity]

Jumping out of planes is easy. Real alpha chads base jump in a wing suit.

everyone knows real chads skydive topless, and any additional boobs multiply the cool factor when they flap rapidly against the torso.

 

[Grub]

everyone knows real chads skydive topless, and any additional boobs multiply the cool factor when they flap rapidly against the torso.

They help give reduce your falling speed so you can be even more Chad and wait until the last minute to open your chute and you'll drift gracefully to the ground.

 

[Hyacinth Bucket (Bouquet)]

Yesterday I was lurking around when I overheard a conversation between Joshua "Null" Moon and James "Mr. Metokur" Augustine.

Null expressed to Mr. Metokur that he dearly wished that he could partake of survivalist camping, just him and a backpack, out in the wild.

"Yes," Mr. Metokur replied, "I have always wanted in particular to partake in high altitude climbing. I think that getting to the top of Everest is the most alpha thing any person can do. Unfortunately, I cannot do this, as I am lame and have cancer."

Null replied, "If someone were to stream his entire wilderness camping trip, I would be very sad, because everyone would laugh at me saying "Null, you can't survive in the wild like a real man. Go back to Karen Farms where you belong."

Then they left to go watch anime and eat pizza together.

 

[Idiot Asshole]

All grown men want some of that teen pussy. But only a true man can attain that dream. In fact, there's probably some sort of Hawaiian cucumber harvesting webzone full of people who not only have never fucked somebody twenty years their junior but wouldn't even have video evidence that they have. They're probably virgins too.

 

[Zilch]

Internet gambling is some gay beta shit. If Ralph were a real man he'd find himself a bookie to place bets with. Real highroller bets, no pussy shit.

 

[Obsul]

Man, Jersh would look completely pathetic if somebody did all these things before him. Really sad stuff.

 

[Jack Awful]

Broke Dick Josh Moon won't ever get married. If Ralph could get married within the next 6 months or so it'd sure show ol Broke Dick Josh "Broke Dick" Moon and his broken dick that doesn't work (for sex).

 

[oramge cat]

I see Josh has conveniently "forgotten" all the times he would talk about much he wanted to be a skater and post rad skating vids online. WELL I HAVEN'T, COWARD!

Man, if ralph ever finds that lost video of josh eating shit and crying after bailing a 360 to 50-50 slide combo it's over for us kiwis. He was wearing a helmet too, like basically a pussy hat but twice as gay. Real chads land the trick first try without any gay "safety" gear.

 

[Spergetti]

You know, someone should really push you to get outside your comfort zone Jersh. Perhaps a widely known and respected e-celeb, preferably the best in this sector, should challenge you with a friendly wager. The first one to complete #1 through #6 wins a cash prize, perhaps even a beautiful trophy to take home and display prominently. Both of you would obviously have to provide public documentation proving that you both completed every item on the list, and what better place to preserve that documentation than a thread here on the site. But what handsome and courageous hero would dare to sacrifice the valuable time he devotes to his growing family just to help you, dear everrlord?

 

[Nonconsentual Pronouns]

And I bet you could never crack the seal off of a bottle of The Last Dab and drink the whole bottle live on stream, could you? Yeah, I didn't think so. It's scientifically proven that eating the spiciest foods available is the manliest activity that impresses all the bitches and dabs on all the haydurs.

 

[Cavalier Cipolla]

TIL Jewsh lives in Serbia and is a wanted fugitive.
What the hell did that nigga do, aside creating a forum documenting lolcows?
Did he personally kill Byuu with his own hands and then just run off?

 

[Goyslop Muncher]

TIL Jewsh lives in Serbia and is a wanted fugitive.
What the hell did that nigga do, aside creating a forum documenting lolcows?
Did he personally kill Byuu with his own hands and then just run off?

He thought about the N word too much

 

[Fraiser crane]

Have sex

 

[TurdFondler]

Spinning a revolver is cool, but wearing a holster is kind of gay and low T, real alphas keep their gun in a designer man purse.

 

[DSP's Tax Lawyer]

I've had similar dreams of practicing the art of catching bullets with my hands. I hope no one shows me up by doing it themselves. I wouldn't be able to live with the shame

Could you imagine how enraged you would be if someone caught a bullet with their teeth?

 

[Sam Losco]

I don't think Ralph could skydive. Standard parachutes aren't big or strong enough for a piggie his size. They'd have to get a military one sized for dropping a Humvee.

 

[Stoneheart]

Jumping from an aircraft is 200 €--- show feet and somebody will venmo you that.

 

[Wyzzerd]

Motorcycles are pretty cool. They are pretty safe too, the only people who get hurt on them are little bitches who can't handle the power of one.

Motorcycles are power status symbols, they make other people instantly fear and respect you. Nobody fucks with a man and his ride. Have you ever seen someone not look like a badass on one? Hell no!

Plus they are great for advertising. It's real easy to slap some logos on the bike and the jacket of whoever is riding. I bet you could even count it all as a business expense if you're clever about it.

Edit: I almost forgot the obvious. Bitches love bikes. They gotta get up close to the guy while the bike gets them off the whole time. Pretty easy chick magnet.

 

[Pill Cosby]

I would like to have gay sex with men. I’ve had sex with women lots of times. I wish I was cool like Jessie Smollet but I’m not cool at all unfortunately, I don’t even smoke, I hold down a job and not an awesome e-celeb.

 

[BlueArmedDevil]

Eat kale, like a lot of kale. For a week straight nothing but kale.