- Joined
- May 14, 2019
This might sound retarded, but I feel kind of guilty about not reading much anymore.
There was a time I read a lot (I average, over about four years, five books a month, about a third of that novels), tried doing a lot of different stuff. I had this notion about using my time productively and being well-rounded. I had several instruments I'd play, different types of exercise I'd do (like kayaking vs swimming vs bicycling). Then last December I got a gaming desktop, first one I ever owned, and around the same time the last of my willpower gave out and I spent a semester just laying around.
Well, eventually I got this promotion (had to demand it or I'd quit, basically), and life has genuinely gotten a lot better. But something I find is that the old bullshit I was doing still doesn't really satisfy me. It's like, sometimes the books or instruments or whatever is enjoyable, but most of the time it isn't. And I got to thinking, all of that stuff was, in a way, just makework to feel productive. I didn't get any satisfaction out of what I was doing work wise, so I didn't focus on that, but to some degree my satisfaction was dependent on fulfilling these chores and goals. But now I get my satisfaction out of the work, and though these other things CAN be enjoyable, all I really want to do in my free time is just play with my cat, game, and prepare for work.
It probably sounds dumb, but it's like I feel guilty because I feel like the old version of myself - where I had these hobbies, and different kinds of hobbies - was better, but it never had a real payoff either. Like I was trying to impress the world or myself or something. Became a tiger mom (to myself) in adult life.
There was a time I read a lot (I average, over about four years, five books a month, about a third of that novels), tried doing a lot of different stuff. I had this notion about using my time productively and being well-rounded. I had several instruments I'd play, different types of exercise I'd do (like kayaking vs swimming vs bicycling). Then last December I got a gaming desktop, first one I ever owned, and around the same time the last of my willpower gave out and I spent a semester just laying around.
Well, eventually I got this promotion (had to demand it or I'd quit, basically), and life has genuinely gotten a lot better. But something I find is that the old bullshit I was doing still doesn't really satisfy me. It's like, sometimes the books or instruments or whatever is enjoyable, but most of the time it isn't. And I got to thinking, all of that stuff was, in a way, just makework to feel productive. I didn't get any satisfaction out of what I was doing work wise, so I didn't focus on that, but to some degree my satisfaction was dependent on fulfilling these chores and goals. But now I get my satisfaction out of the work, and though these other things CAN be enjoyable, all I really want to do in my free time is just play with my cat, game, and prepare for work.
It probably sounds dumb, but it's like I feel guilty because I feel like the old version of myself - where I had these hobbies, and different kinds of hobbies - was better, but it never had a real payoff either. Like I was trying to impress the world or myself or something. Became a tiger mom (to myself) in adult life.