- Joined
- Sep 28, 2013
Some thing that I found a while ago.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1HAOkXGbPvC
James was excited to be starting his first day of work. At least, he would have been excited if he had been hired by anything other than McDonald's. Fucking McDonald's, of course. Whatever. Work was work, money was money. He sighed heavy, fidgeted with his name tag and walked in.
He approached the desk and eyed up the skinny pale cashier. "Hi, my name is: Brett". Tired, apathetic, almost angry looking. Goddammit, James thought, this is going to be me in about two months. He put on his best plastic smile and said "Hey, uh, is Brad here?" The guy known only as Brett craned his neck and hollered "BRAD!"
A balding man in one of those very fucking gay fry cook hats, a bow tie, and an apron walked out from behind the vast silver equipment one can see in a fast food restaurant but not know what the fuck they do. He smiled, sort of.
"You must be-" Brad glanced at his name tag "-James." James nodded.
Asshole.
Brad nodded in return, probably thinking the same thing. "Follow me."
Brad led James into a cramped area. There wasn't much, but it was still cramped. James stared at the floor. He'd probably drop a lot of burgers on the floor, on purpose, then give them to the customer. The unknowing, poor bastard customer. Brad was rambling.
"Okay, so, you'll be working the drive-thru." Brad pointed to everything as he named it off. "This is the fryer. You fry shit in it. Don't try and burn your hands or try to kill yourself." He looked at James. "It doesn't work." James nodded. "That's the soda fountain. That's where you get soda from. That's the window. That's where the assholes come and you give them their food. That's the sink. Wash shit in there. And that's the Skull of Regret." What.
James stared at the thing. It was just a skull. Two empty eye sockets above an empty, uh, nose socket? Teeth, crooked and some missing, formed the shit-eating grin that only a skull could pull off.
"And here's the straws. Alllll the straws." James was still staring when Brad came into his view with two fucking hands full of straws. James opened his mouth to ask "What the fuck kind of fucking McDonald's fucking has a fucking skull over the fucking sink fuck?" but all that dribbled out was "Uh".
Brad stared at James for a bit too long. He glanced up at the skull, then back to James. "Oh, the skull, right? Of course. See, it lets out a blood-curdling scream if you forget something in an order."
James looked blankly at Brad. Are you fucking serious? "Which will probably happen. It's never not screamed." He could only respond with "Okay."
Brad threw a hand full of straws at him.
Asshole.
"Don't forget the straws."
Brad handed him a very fucking gay fry cook hat of his own and walked away. James peeled a straw off of his face.
The first customer rolled through the lot and placed his order. James pressed all the buttons and sounded as polite as he could.
So far so good, I guess. Easy. Worth minimum wage. I guess.
The customer pulled up to the window. He stuffed the burger, ketchup, and other ridiculously unhealthy shit into the paper bag and handed it to the customer. That was when James heard the most horrible fucking screeching in his life.
It was a sound like a thousand cats clawing on a chalkboard, all trying to sing along with a Kesha song, amplified three million times. James slammed his hands over his ears and pointed his faux laser vision up at the skull, whose jaw was now slightly ajar. Its jaw creaked shut and the sound stopped. He cautiously moved his hands away. The skull's jaw wobbled downward, and it spoke in a strangely normal voice:
"You forgot the fries."
The customer looked in his bag. "You did."
I'm gonna fucking love this job.
The customer handed back his bag. James threw some frozen fries into the fryer and waited. The skull started that God-awful wailing again. He glared back up at it.
"You forgot to salt the fries."
James grabbed the big fucking salt shaker and began to salt the greasy little bastards.
Shit, a bone is giving me orders. It screeched again. Fucking WHAT NOW.
"Also they are now overcooked."
He threw out the fries, cooked new ones, AND SALTED THEM. He gave them to the customer and they were on their merry obese way.
The whole week went just like that. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH. You forgot the ketchup." Throw the ketchup in the bag. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH. You forgot their drink." Fill up the cup. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. You forgot the dipping sauce." Put the fucking sauce in the fucking bag. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. YOU FORGOT THE OTHER DRINK." If that fucking skull had a fucking neck, James would probably be doing his very fucking best to fucking break it. He could have swore every time he moved, even when not at work, he heard some asshole going "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. You forgot to bend your knees." FUCK.
The first day back to work, on the very first order, James intended on getting everything right. He took the customer's order and even sounded cheery. The order was up. Burger, no pickles, in wrapper, in bag, ONE DOWN. Fries, large, in carton, in bag, TWO DOWN. Sauces, BAM. Drink, diet, no ice, in cup, all in the customers hand. Fuck yeah. The customer was pretty flabbergasted. "Talk about fast and friendly service! Thanks!"
James stared at the skull. I dare you, I fucking dare you.
The skull's jaw creaked slightly. No sound. He felt like the greatest fucking fry cook EVER. To be fair, he was. He dealt with a screaming cuntwad skull and asshole customers. James thought he deserved a raise for that. The skull did not agree, and started howling once more.
He ripped his very fucking gay fry cook hat off his head and slammed it on the ground. "Come ON!" James yelled at the skull, which stopped immediately. "I got everything right. Fast, perfect, it was flawless! I even fucking smiled. I forgot nothing."
James huffed, and the skull's mouth opened slightly. Then closed. Then it opened again.
"You have forgotten your college degree. You have forgotten your parents. You have forgotten to say 'I love you'. You have forgotten to take that trip to Europe with your girlfriend." The skull paused. "Ex-girlfriend. In all your training, your preparations and job searching, you have forgotten to live your life."
James gave the skull a glare that was fucking intense enough to melt glass. Fuck you, skull. No matter how right you are. Fuck. You.
"Also, you forgot the straw." The skull started screaming again. James felt a bundle of light plastic things hit the back of his head. Brad was reloading behind him.
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU?"
The wailing continued and several more barrages of straws hit James.
He approached the desk and eyed up the skinny pale cashier. "Hi, my name is: Brett". Tired, apathetic, almost angry looking. Goddammit, James thought, this is going to be me in about two months. He put on his best plastic smile and said "Hey, uh, is Brad here?" The guy known only as Brett craned his neck and hollered "BRAD!"
A balding man in one of those very fucking gay fry cook hats, a bow tie, and an apron walked out from behind the vast silver equipment one can see in a fast food restaurant but not know what the fuck they do. He smiled, sort of.
"You must be-" Brad glanced at his name tag "-James." James nodded.
Asshole.
Brad nodded in return, probably thinking the same thing. "Follow me."
Brad led James into a cramped area. There wasn't much, but it was still cramped. James stared at the floor. He'd probably drop a lot of burgers on the floor, on purpose, then give them to the customer. The unknowing, poor bastard customer. Brad was rambling.
"Okay, so, you'll be working the drive-thru." Brad pointed to everything as he named it off. "This is the fryer. You fry shit in it. Don't try and burn your hands or try to kill yourself." He looked at James. "It doesn't work." James nodded. "That's the soda fountain. That's where you get soda from. That's the window. That's where the assholes come and you give them their food. That's the sink. Wash shit in there. And that's the Skull of Regret." What.
James stared at the thing. It was just a skull. Two empty eye sockets above an empty, uh, nose socket? Teeth, crooked and some missing, formed the shit-eating grin that only a skull could pull off.
"And here's the straws. Alllll the straws." James was still staring when Brad came into his view with two fucking hands full of straws. James opened his mouth to ask "What the fuck kind of fucking McDonald's fucking has a fucking skull over the fucking sink fuck?" but all that dribbled out was "Uh".
Brad stared at James for a bit too long. He glanced up at the skull, then back to James. "Oh, the skull, right? Of course. See, it lets out a blood-curdling scream if you forget something in an order."
James looked blankly at Brad. Are you fucking serious? "Which will probably happen. It's never not screamed." He could only respond with "Okay."
Brad threw a hand full of straws at him.
Asshole.
"Don't forget the straws."
Brad handed him a very fucking gay fry cook hat of his own and walked away. James peeled a straw off of his face.
The first customer rolled through the lot and placed his order. James pressed all the buttons and sounded as polite as he could.
So far so good, I guess. Easy. Worth minimum wage. I guess.
The customer pulled up to the window. He stuffed the burger, ketchup, and other ridiculously unhealthy shit into the paper bag and handed it to the customer. That was when James heard the most horrible fucking screeching in his life.
It was a sound like a thousand cats clawing on a chalkboard, all trying to sing along with a Kesha song, amplified three million times. James slammed his hands over his ears and pointed his faux laser vision up at the skull, whose jaw was now slightly ajar. Its jaw creaked shut and the sound stopped. He cautiously moved his hands away. The skull's jaw wobbled downward, and it spoke in a strangely normal voice:
"You forgot the fries."
The customer looked in his bag. "You did."
I'm gonna fucking love this job.
The customer handed back his bag. James threw some frozen fries into the fryer and waited. The skull started that God-awful wailing again. He glared back up at it.
"You forgot to salt the fries."
James grabbed the big fucking salt shaker and began to salt the greasy little bastards.
Shit, a bone is giving me orders. It screeched again. Fucking WHAT NOW.
"Also they are now overcooked."
He threw out the fries, cooked new ones, AND SALTED THEM. He gave them to the customer and they were on their merry obese way.
The whole week went just like that. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH. You forgot the ketchup." Throw the ketchup in the bag. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH. You forgot their drink." Fill up the cup. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. You forgot the dipping sauce." Put the fucking sauce in the fucking bag. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. YOU FORGOT THE OTHER DRINK." If that fucking skull had a fucking neck, James would probably be doing his very fucking best to fucking break it. He could have swore every time he moved, even when not at work, he heard some asshole going "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. You forgot to bend your knees." FUCK.
The first day back to work, on the very first order, James intended on getting everything right. He took the customer's order and even sounded cheery. The order was up. Burger, no pickles, in wrapper, in bag, ONE DOWN. Fries, large, in carton, in bag, TWO DOWN. Sauces, BAM. Drink, diet, no ice, in cup, all in the customers hand. Fuck yeah. The customer was pretty flabbergasted. "Talk about fast and friendly service! Thanks!"
James stared at the skull. I dare you, I fucking dare you.
The skull's jaw creaked slightly. No sound. He felt like the greatest fucking fry cook EVER. To be fair, he was. He dealt with a screaming cuntwad skull and asshole customers. James thought he deserved a raise for that. The skull did not agree, and started howling once more.
He ripped his very fucking gay fry cook hat off his head and slammed it on the ground. "Come ON!" James yelled at the skull, which stopped immediately. "I got everything right. Fast, perfect, it was flawless! I even fucking smiled. I forgot nothing."
James huffed, and the skull's mouth opened slightly. Then closed. Then it opened again.
"You have forgotten your college degree. You have forgotten your parents. You have forgotten to say 'I love you'. You have forgotten to take that trip to Europe with your girlfriend." The skull paused. "Ex-girlfriend. In all your training, your preparations and job searching, you have forgotten to live your life."
James gave the skull a glare that was fucking intense enough to melt glass. Fuck you, skull. No matter how right you are. Fuck. You.
"Also, you forgot the straw." The skull started screaming again. James felt a bundle of light plastic things hit the back of his head. Brad was reloading behind him.
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU?"
The wailing continued and several more barrages of straws hit James.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1HAOkXGbPvC
