MarvinTheParanoidAndroid
This will all end in tears, I just know it.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
>Be the Emperor
>Magnus tears new asshole through the Webway
>Go in with army to stitch it closed
>Flood of worst demons ever
>Going nowhere fast
>Immovable Object VS Unstoppable Force
>Consider cutting your losses
>Suddenly get a vision
>Vision shows loyalist Primarch
>Primarch will flip the Heresy from a lose to a win
>Primarch will arrive through the Webway gate to Terra
>Stick it out
>Your forces are dwindling to a nub
>Leave Webway
>Vulkan arrives in the Webway
>VULKAN LIVES!
>"I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!"
>Vulkan encounters giant green booger of Nurgle
>Gets eaten whole by giant booger
>Special Primarch power: ACTIVATE
>Fire torrents out of giant booger's side
>Hindenberg.webm
>VULKAN LIVES!
>Demon is kill
>I mean dead
>Really dead, not shattered, not banished, permanently dead
>Never coming back
>Emperor on Golden Throne
>Peers into the Webway with psychic powers
>Sees Vulkan 360 no-scope demon lord
>Awakened Primarch
>Let's Vulkan into Imperial Palace
>Keep Vulkan hidden by your side on the Golden Throne
>Imperial Siege happens
>Magnus the Red arrives in the throne room
>Peer into Magnus' heart with psychic powers
>Still loyal
>You need Magnus
>Most powerful psyker Primarch
>Second only to you
>He can run the Golden Throne reliably
>You could scrub away his Tzeentch taint
>You even have his noble shard to bribe him
>You can roam freely and command your armies
>You can go back inside the Webway to finish fixing it
>You can save your dream for frictionless interstellar travel
>Fuck it all up
>Give bullshit ultimatum
>Tell Magnus he needs to kill all of his own sons as a show of loyalty
>Magnus
>Even when corrupted by TZEENTCH
>Loves his sons, actually
>Beside himself
>Can't do it
>(This is without his good guy shard, btw)
>You hear a tiny voice in the back of your head
>"Um, WTF are you doing?! You can still 180 out of this, postpone that stupid demand until after the Siege is over, you retard!"
>You speak
>"Sic 'em, Vulkan"
>Vulkan starts pummeling Magnus, your only meaningfully psychic semi-loyalist son, your ace in the hole, to death with his hammer
>Loony Tunes tier one-sided slapstick melee violence ensues
>Magnus, despite being a reality-warping psyker, sits there and takes it
>Magnus falls to the ground, broken and battered
>Vulkan drops his hammer, picks Magnus up by the side with his teeth and starts thrashing his head around
>Drops Magnus again
>Vulkan starts twisting Magnus' broken limbs into a pretzel
>"Please!" Magnus cries out! "Please make him stop!"
>"Say uncle!" says Vulkan
>"Uncle! UNCLE!" cries Magnus
>"Sorry, Malcador isn't here" Vulkan replies
>The violence circus continues
>The little voice comes back
>"Okay you've made your point, stop watching him get Monarchia'd and get him on the Throne now!"
>You speak
>"Squish his head!"
>The beating suddenly stops
>Magnus looks up with his one eye
>Sees Vulkan's foot hovering above him
>"Save me Tzeentch!"
>Vulkan's foot stomps on the ground
>His foot leaves a spiderweb crack on the granite floor
>Magnus has disappeared
>Snatched defeat from jaws of victory
>"Oh well, at least we still have Janus" you think to yourself
>You feel a disturbance in the Warp
>You peer inside the Webway
>There's demons pouring in
>Magnus is there now
>He's now a full-on Demon Primarch of Tzeentch
>He's also become a giant
>They grow up so fast
>He's Ripping a new Goatse hole through the Webway
>Send Vulkan throught the Webway gate
>Vulkan shreds through demon army
>Makes his way to Demon Magnus
>They fight
>David and Goliath
>Magnus is dribbling Vulkan like a basketball
>He kills the shit out of Vulkan
>OH NO.mpeg
>Vulkan gets back up, wounds fully healed
>VULKAN LIVES!
>It's like if Vegeta got his immortality wish when fighting Frieza
>Suddenly, Magnus does a double-take
>Magnus sees your astral projection as you watch them fight
>Your astral projection has a bucket of popcorn and a big gulp of soda
>Vulkan swings his hammer onto Magnus' big toe
>The toenail splits open
>Bad CGI blood everywhere
>Magnus picks up his injured foot with his hands while hobbling backwards on his other foot like a cartoon
>Falls over
>Vulkan walks over to Magnus' giant head leisurely
>Does a God of War QTE on Magnus' head with his hammer
>DOES NOT use his special true-death flamethrower power
>Magnus fades away, banished, but not dead
>Vulkan returns to the throne room on Terra
>Good news, everyone!
>Horus is down four Demon Primarchs and Perturabo rage quit
>Lorgar and Konrad Curz are totally absent
>The traitors are losing horribly
>Horus suddenly drops the void shields on the Vengeful Spirit
>Do you:
>A) Order a ground-to-orbit bombardment on the Vengeful Spirit
>B) Order all available ships in orbit to open fire on the Vengeful Spirit
>C) Wait and hope for reinforcements from Lion El Johnson or Roboute Guillimon
>D) Teleport a thermonuclear bomb to the Vengeful Spirit to blow it up
>E) Take the bait and knowingly walk into an ambush on purpose
>You choose E, of course
>Pick who to bring with you
>Constantin Valdor and some Custodes
>Sanguinius, Primarch, best boy, semi-awakened Primarch powers, has wings and can fly (technically a psyker), exhausted, battered and bleeding, just banished Demon Angron
>Rogal Dorn, Primarch, architect of the Imperial Palace & all its defenses, lead general of your army, no awakened Primarch powers. Won a duel with Demon Fulgrim, but otherwise just a normie with gigantism, really.
>Vulkan, Primarch, has fully awakened true-death flamethrower powers that kills the shit out of anything Chaos related, super-perpetual that can't be killed, melee specialist, just banished Magnus the Red.
>Jaghatai Khan, awakened Primarch powers, but he's laid out, unconscious and nearly dead from a bunch of infected wounds he got from banishing Mortarion
>Malcador, best bro, alpha-pluse-pluse-pluse psyker, only rival to Magnus besides you
>Janus, freshly minted super-Astartes imbued with the noble soul fragment of Magnus made for the express purpose of purging Chaotic taint
>You pick Sanguinius, best fighter but is exhausted and in dire need of medical aid
>You pick Rogal Dorn, the guy leading the defense of your Imperial Palace and best fit for it because he's the one who designed its layout, doing a good job, but not at all equipped to fight a Chaos meat puppet
>You pick Constantin Valdor & Custodes, pretty obvious and only smart choice
>You DO NOT bring the anti-Chaos super-Astartes with you to fight a Chaos meatsuit, but instead leave him behind to do nothing
>You DO NOT bring Malcador as psychic back up against a Chaos meatsuit, but instead leave him behind to operate the soul-sucking Golden Throne to hold back the tide of demons
>You DO NOT bring the hulking, true-death human flamethrower and unkillable super-perpetual Vulkan to fight a Chaos meatsuit
>You DO NOT also send Vulkan back into the Webway to continue fighting the incoming horde of demons to spare Malcador the life-ending torment of using the Golden Throne
>Instead you send Vulkan to do Rogal Dorn's job, which was to lead the armies of the Imperium in defense of the Imperial Palace, despite not knowing the layout of the palace and having no knowledge of existing logistics or manpower
>You also DO NOT consider putting any of your latently psychic Primarchs on the Golden Throne to see if they could handle it better than a 600 year old human prune
>You do, however, consider tying a rope on a stick to Jaghatai's leg to use him as a flail
>But that would take too long
>Teleport onto Vengeful Spirit
>Everyone separated
>Custodes, with few exceptions, are immediately brainwashed to attack you
>Cut down all your golden buddies
>Fuck it
>Time to fulfill last minute asspull prophecy
>Prophecy nobody knew about until now that everyone knows it
>Turn into big blob of black licorice called the Dark King
>Surprise old buddy shows up
>Tells you you're about to become 5th Chaos God
>You think about it, turns out he's right
>You rip a phat phart as you turn back into the Emperor
>The phat phart heals all your companions who aren't dead
>Except Sanguinius, I guess
>Shed your compassion as a soul shard
>Do not send it to Malcador to give him a power boost
>Do not give it to Constantin Valdor, Vulkan, Sanguinius, Rogal Dorn or Janus for safe keeping & power boost
>Shit out Star Child to the Warp, totally unaccounted for
>Go confront Horus
>Sanguinius dead, shitting blood on the floor
>Fight begins
>Horus is strong, too strong
>Idea
>Divide both your and Horus' power by splitting reality into a bunch of parallel realities where a bunch of weakened Horus clones fight your individual souls
>Turns out to be a terrible idea as Horus cuts down the majority of your soul fragments and makes you that much weaker when reality recomposites
>Horus beats you like a disobedient dog
>You think "I sure wish I had someone here to help me"
>*WHACK*
>"Somebody big, strong and reliable"
>*BANG*
>"Someone who could pull this bastard off me"
>*SMACK*
>"I wish Ferrus Manus were here"
>*BANG*
>"I wish I took the time to turn Jaghatai into a flail"
>Your armor barely protects you from broken bones and blood hemorrhaging
>Have to resort to smoke and mirrors'
>Feign a defeat
>Pretend to be Garviel Loken
>Convince Horus to give up his Chaos buffs
>He does, Horus is at normal strength again
>Reveal you're still alive
>"Clever girl"
>Fight resumes
>Horus regaining Chaos powers but only drip by drip as a fuck you for giving up power at all
>Pull out stone age ceremonial knife of unknown origin
>Chaos Gods see the knife through Horus' eyes and start freaking out
>Start pumping as much Warp jizz into Horus as fast as possible
>Too late, Horus just got gutted
>Chaos just lost all the power they put in
>Chaos Gods are now a shadow of their former selves
>You almost got what you really wanted after all
>Collapse
>Rogal Dorn and Constantin Valdor drag your corpse back to the Throne Room
>Sit you on the Golden Throne
>Malcador is dead as shit, reduced to ash pile
>Vulkan is there too
>Idea
>About to ask Vulkan to lend you a cup of super-perpetual
>Too late
>Golden Throne activated
>Can't heal, the Golden Throne is draining your power
>Reflecting on stupid decisions you made as you pass out
>"I shouldn't have eaten that donut"
>"ZzZzZzZ"
>Magnus tears new asshole through the Webway
>Go in with army to stitch it closed
>Flood of worst demons ever
>Going nowhere fast
>Immovable Object VS Unstoppable Force
>Consider cutting your losses
>Suddenly get a vision
>Vision shows loyalist Primarch
>Primarch will flip the Heresy from a lose to a win
>Primarch will arrive through the Webway gate to Terra
>Stick it out
>Your forces are dwindling to a nub
>Leave Webway
>Vulkan arrives in the Webway
>VULKAN LIVES!
>"I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!"
>Vulkan encounters giant green booger of Nurgle
>Gets eaten whole by giant booger
>Special Primarch power: ACTIVATE
>Fire torrents out of giant booger's side
>Hindenberg.webm
>VULKAN LIVES!
>Demon is kill
>I mean dead
>Really dead, not shattered, not banished, permanently dead
>Never coming back
>Emperor on Golden Throne
>Peers into the Webway with psychic powers
>Sees Vulkan 360 no-scope demon lord
>Awakened Primarch
>Let's Vulkan into Imperial Palace
>Keep Vulkan hidden by your side on the Golden Throne
>Imperial Siege happens
>Magnus the Red arrives in the throne room
>Peer into Magnus' heart with psychic powers
>Still loyal
>You need Magnus
>Most powerful psyker Primarch
>Second only to you
>He can run the Golden Throne reliably
>You could scrub away his Tzeentch taint
>You even have his noble shard to bribe him
>You can roam freely and command your armies
>You can go back inside the Webway to finish fixing it
>You can save your dream for frictionless interstellar travel
>Fuck it all up
>Give bullshit ultimatum
>Tell Magnus he needs to kill all of his own sons as a show of loyalty
>Magnus
>Even when corrupted by TZEENTCH
>Loves his sons, actually
>Beside himself
>Can't do it
>(This is without his good guy shard, btw)
>You hear a tiny voice in the back of your head
>"Um, WTF are you doing?! You can still 180 out of this, postpone that stupid demand until after the Siege is over, you retard!"
>You speak
>"Sic 'em, Vulkan"
>Vulkan starts pummeling Magnus, your only meaningfully psychic semi-loyalist son, your ace in the hole, to death with his hammer
>Loony Tunes tier one-sided slapstick melee violence ensues
>Magnus, despite being a reality-warping psyker, sits there and takes it
>Magnus falls to the ground, broken and battered
>Vulkan drops his hammer, picks Magnus up by the side with his teeth and starts thrashing his head around
>Drops Magnus again
>Vulkan starts twisting Magnus' broken limbs into a pretzel
>"Please!" Magnus cries out! "Please make him stop!"
>"Say uncle!" says Vulkan
>"Uncle! UNCLE!" cries Magnus
>"Sorry, Malcador isn't here" Vulkan replies
>The violence circus continues
>The little voice comes back
>"Okay you've made your point, stop watching him get Monarchia'd and get him on the Throne now!"
>You speak
>"Squish his head!"
>The beating suddenly stops
>Magnus looks up with his one eye
>Sees Vulkan's foot hovering above him
>"Save me Tzeentch!"
>Vulkan's foot stomps on the ground
>His foot leaves a spiderweb crack on the granite floor
>Magnus has disappeared
>Snatched defeat from jaws of victory
>"Oh well, at least we still have Janus" you think to yourself
>You feel a disturbance in the Warp
>You peer inside the Webway
>There's demons pouring in
>Magnus is there now
>He's now a full-on Demon Primarch of Tzeentch
>He's also become a giant
>They grow up so fast
>He's Ripping a new Goatse hole through the Webway
>Send Vulkan throught the Webway gate
>Vulkan shreds through demon army
>Makes his way to Demon Magnus
>They fight
>David and Goliath
>Magnus is dribbling Vulkan like a basketball
>He kills the shit out of Vulkan
>OH NO.mpeg
>Vulkan gets back up, wounds fully healed
>VULKAN LIVES!
>It's like if Vegeta got his immortality wish when fighting Frieza
>Suddenly, Magnus does a double-take
>Magnus sees your astral projection as you watch them fight
>Your astral projection has a bucket of popcorn and a big gulp of soda
>Vulkan swings his hammer onto Magnus' big toe
>The toenail splits open
>Bad CGI blood everywhere
>Magnus picks up his injured foot with his hands while hobbling backwards on his other foot like a cartoon
>Falls over
>Vulkan walks over to Magnus' giant head leisurely
>Does a God of War QTE on Magnus' head with his hammer
>DOES NOT use his special true-death flamethrower power
>Magnus fades away, banished, but not dead
>Vulkan returns to the throne room on Terra
>Good news, everyone!
>Horus is down four Demon Primarchs and Perturabo rage quit
>Lorgar and Konrad Curz are totally absent
>The traitors are losing horribly
>Horus suddenly drops the void shields on the Vengeful Spirit
>Do you:
>A) Order a ground-to-orbit bombardment on the Vengeful Spirit
>B) Order all available ships in orbit to open fire on the Vengeful Spirit
>C) Wait and hope for reinforcements from Lion El Johnson or Roboute Guillimon
>D) Teleport a thermonuclear bomb to the Vengeful Spirit to blow it up
>E) Take the bait and knowingly walk into an ambush on purpose
>You choose E, of course
>Pick who to bring with you
>Constantin Valdor and some Custodes
>Sanguinius, Primarch, best boy, semi-awakened Primarch powers, has wings and can fly (technically a psyker), exhausted, battered and bleeding, just banished Demon Angron
>Rogal Dorn, Primarch, architect of the Imperial Palace & all its defenses, lead general of your army, no awakened Primarch powers. Won a duel with Demon Fulgrim, but otherwise just a normie with gigantism, really.
>Vulkan, Primarch, has fully awakened true-death flamethrower powers that kills the shit out of anything Chaos related, super-perpetual that can't be killed, melee specialist, just banished Magnus the Red.
>Jaghatai Khan, awakened Primarch powers, but he's laid out, unconscious and nearly dead from a bunch of infected wounds he got from banishing Mortarion
>Malcador, best bro, alpha-pluse-pluse-pluse psyker, only rival to Magnus besides you
>Janus, freshly minted super-Astartes imbued with the noble soul fragment of Magnus made for the express purpose of purging Chaotic taint
>You pick Sanguinius, best fighter but is exhausted and in dire need of medical aid
>You pick Rogal Dorn, the guy leading the defense of your Imperial Palace and best fit for it because he's the one who designed its layout, doing a good job, but not at all equipped to fight a Chaos meat puppet
>You pick Constantin Valdor & Custodes, pretty obvious and only smart choice
>You DO NOT bring the anti-Chaos super-Astartes with you to fight a Chaos meatsuit, but instead leave him behind to do nothing
>You DO NOT bring Malcador as psychic back up against a Chaos meatsuit, but instead leave him behind to operate the soul-sucking Golden Throne to hold back the tide of demons
>You DO NOT bring the hulking, true-death human flamethrower and unkillable super-perpetual Vulkan to fight a Chaos meatsuit
>You DO NOT also send Vulkan back into the Webway to continue fighting the incoming horde of demons to spare Malcador the life-ending torment of using the Golden Throne
>Instead you send Vulkan to do Rogal Dorn's job, which was to lead the armies of the Imperium in defense of the Imperial Palace, despite not knowing the layout of the palace and having no knowledge of existing logistics or manpower
>You also DO NOT consider putting any of your latently psychic Primarchs on the Golden Throne to see if they could handle it better than a 600 year old human prune
>You do, however, consider tying a rope on a stick to Jaghatai's leg to use him as a flail
>But that would take too long
>Teleport onto Vengeful Spirit
>Everyone separated
>Custodes, with few exceptions, are immediately brainwashed to attack you
>Cut down all your golden buddies
>Fuck it
>Time to fulfill last minute asspull prophecy
>Prophecy nobody knew about until now that everyone knows it
>Turn into big blob of black licorice called the Dark King
>Surprise old buddy shows up
>Tells you you're about to become 5th Chaos God
>You think about it, turns out he's right
>You rip a phat phart as you turn back into the Emperor
>The phat phart heals all your companions who aren't dead
>Except Sanguinius, I guess
>Shed your compassion as a soul shard
>Do not send it to Malcador to give him a power boost
>Do not give it to Constantin Valdor, Vulkan, Sanguinius, Rogal Dorn or Janus for safe keeping & power boost
>Shit out Star Child to the Warp, totally unaccounted for
>Go confront Horus
>Sanguinius dead, shitting blood on the floor
>Fight begins
>Horus is strong, too strong
>Idea
>Divide both your and Horus' power by splitting reality into a bunch of parallel realities where a bunch of weakened Horus clones fight your individual souls
>Turns out to be a terrible idea as Horus cuts down the majority of your soul fragments and makes you that much weaker when reality recomposites
>Horus beats you like a disobedient dog
>You think "I sure wish I had someone here to help me"
>*WHACK*
>"Somebody big, strong and reliable"
>*BANG*
>"Someone who could pull this bastard off me"
>*SMACK*
>"I wish Ferrus Manus were here"
>*BANG*
>"I wish I took the time to turn Jaghatai into a flail"
>Your armor barely protects you from broken bones and blood hemorrhaging
>Have to resort to smoke and mirrors'
>Feign a defeat
>Pretend to be Garviel Loken
>Convince Horus to give up his Chaos buffs
>He does, Horus is at normal strength again
>Reveal you're still alive
>"Clever girl"
>Fight resumes
>Horus regaining Chaos powers but only drip by drip as a fuck you for giving up power at all
>Pull out stone age ceremonial knife of unknown origin
>Chaos Gods see the knife through Horus' eyes and start freaking out
>Start pumping as much Warp jizz into Horus as fast as possible
>Too late, Horus just got gutted
>Chaos just lost all the power they put in
>Chaos Gods are now a shadow of their former selves
>You almost got what you really wanted after all
>Collapse
>Rogal Dorn and Constantin Valdor drag your corpse back to the Throne Room
>Sit you on the Golden Throne
>Malcador is dead as shit, reduced to ash pile
>Vulkan is there too
>Idea
>About to ask Vulkan to lend you a cup of super-perpetual
>Too late
>Golden Throne activated
>Can't heal, the Golden Throne is draining your power
>Reflecting on stupid decisions you made as you pass out
>"I shouldn't have eaten that donut"
>"ZzZzZzZ"