What are your restaurant red flags?

[Cats]

I will leave the restaurant immediately if:

- there are grimy, dirty menus (a common red flag for a good reason)​

- there is tons of gum under the tables​

- you can see the kitchen staff working from the dining area and they all look like they hate their fucking lives​

- filth​

- extreme dust or grime​

- any form of political propaganda everywhere/prominently displayed​

- if I realize I have walked into a Denny's by accident​

 

[Xarpho]

I will leave the restaurant immediately if:

- there are grimy, dirty menus (a common red flag for a good reason)​

- there is tons of gum under the tables​

- you can see the kitchen staff working from the dining area and they all look like they hate their fucking lives​

- filth​

- extreme dust or grime​

- any form of political propaganda everywhere/prominently displayed​

- if I realize I have walked into a Denny's by accident​

Denny's is profoundly overpriced I have found. I used to work graveyard shift at a pizza place, so not only is it the only place open anymore (a better diner basically a few spaces down stopped being 24 hours after COVID) but the food is generally bad and then you have to tip the waitress too for your overpriced bad food as she disappears for most of the shift.

But on that subject, avoid any place that will try to shame people if they have a less than 18% tip, no matter how shitty the service was.

 

[Vietnam Ron]

Seeing a "halal" sign on the windows or the menu

Hate sand niggers all you want but I'd rather they cook my middle eastern food than some dirty kafir.

 

[Colloid]

Dirty public areas have been the only consistent red flag in my experience. If the floors, tables, and restrooms have no love and care put into them, then neither does the food there. Always.

 

[NoReturn]

Crap bread.
I'm not even a European who grew up with the real stuff, I've done my time in the land of bullshit cakebread and I'm not going back.
This is bread:

This is cake and I will not buy your sandwhich:

 

[Cats]

Denny's is profoundly overpriced I have found. I used to work graveyard shift at a pizza place, so not only is it the only place open anymore (a better diner basically a few spaces down stopped being 24 hours after COVID) but the food is generally bad and then you have to tip the waitress too for your overpriced bad food as she disappears for most of the shift.

But on that subject, avoid any place that will try to shame people if they have a less than 18% tip, no matter how shitty the service was.

That, and:

festooned with uppity jiggs, par for the course

 

[Eureka Coffee Grinder]

if it is an ethnic restaurant (non white people) and there are no ethnic people eating there, leave

if there are more than two blacks at a table, leave

 

[Solid Snek]

if it is an ethnic restaurant (non white people) and there are no ethnic people eating there, leave

if there are more than two blacks at a table, leave

Conversely, if it is an ethnic restaurant, and ONLY ethnic people are eating there, also leave. Order takeout from there instead, and use your best ethnic voice when on the phone, so they don't know you're white.

Trust me on this.

 

[Peru oso donas]

View attachment 3054443
This was a pretty big one. Or should I have been happy about the free extra protein?

What the fuck is that thing even. It looks a rat's aborted fetus.

 

[Captain Chromosome]

I like pho and am extremely picky about the broth. If it tastes overly sweet or lacking that savory factor, I'm not coming back. The places that give you those tiny shitty plastic spoons have a substantial crossover with having shitty broth.
Also if the meat is more fat than meat. I'm not talking about a bit of fat, I'm talking about half the meat being globs of fat with a sliver of meat on it.
Also this is my opinion and not a red flag, but fuck cooks who drown their pho in cilantro. Don't overdo it just because your broth tastes subpar.

Not pho-related, but shifts in quality and workstaff (Looking at a certain sushi shop I used to go to, with a staff that is more mexican than a Tijuana gas station) usually coincide. Disappointing if it's a place you liked.

 

[Dialtone]

I have crippling autism:

1. Look at interior, if it's simple the food is either amazing or amazingly shitty.
2. Look at the menu, if they have too much variety then I pick what they specialize in if possible.
3. If this is a new restaurant, I order something that one could not possibly fuck up (like a turkey club at a deli, or a pepperoni pizza at a pizza joint)
4. If step 3 is violated I never come back.
5. If we're here then the next test is consistency, I order the same thing one more time and compare.
6. If it's equally good both times, I will now try new things on the menu.
7. If everything is good then it's on the approved restaurant list in my brain.

Additional autism:

• If the food is cold I'm not paying for it unless it's meant to be cold.
• If the food tastes bad I don't pay (I'm not a nigger, I won't eat 98% of the meal and say I hated it)
• I don't tip if the service and food was average, if either one is exceptional I usually tip 20%, (only exception is delivery drivers, they always get a tip.)
• I never order steaks, they always get fucked up somehow.
• Dirty silverware is an immediate no, I've had that happen once or twice.

I usually try not to sperg as much when I'm eating with friends and family, but I've straight up been served cold awful food and I had to be that guy and not pay for my meal and it makes me feel like a jerk, but at the same time, it's my money and I'll choose how to spend it and if you fuck up my food I'm not paying for it. If someone else is nice enough to pay for my meal I'll smile and eat that shit sandwich because I don't want to be rude to them.

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

if it is an ethnic restaurant (non white people) and there are no ethnic people eating there, leave

if there are more than two blacks at a table, leave

What if the ethnic restaurant is a soul food restaurant?

 

[White Baby]

you can see the kitchen staff working from the dining area and they all look like they hate their fucking lives

If you've worked in food service long enough you develop a sixth sense for the mood of a restaurant. I've left before even getting my order because the vibe was just that sour.

Also: if the floor is partially missing, just don't bother. I had the worst soft tacos of my life at a Mexican place that hadn't been cleaned since 2003 and as I was chewing through cardboard chicken I thought to myself "damn, what was I expecting?" Some places are meant to be patronized while drunk when your tastebuds are all sorts of fucked. Then again, I didn't die of food poisoning, so I should probably be grateful.

 

[greenthrowaway]

I'll add the label 'women owned' to the list. Yes, it's a tag on google maps, and some restaurants also put a sticker of it on their door, often next to pride flags and BLM shit.
As soon as you have to virtue signal to me, I'm assuming your food is shit.

Walked into a restaurant where I noticed Yelp Latinx on the door as I was half way in. Turned around and walked out. You can’t trust the reviews from a place like that as it will get auto 5 * from virtue signalers. Treat it like a movie review with a globohomo theme. The identity is what’s being reviewed, not the substance.

 

[Eureka Coffee Grinder]

What if the ethnic restaurant is a soul food restaurant?

then you done fucked up

 

[Character from a movie]

What the fuck is that thing even. It looks a rat's aborted fetus.

It is

 

[OrionBalls]

What the fuck is that thing even. It looks a rat's aborted fetus.

Best as I could tell it was just a field mouse. At least he wasn't bloated yet.

 

[Slap47]

Pretty much every Chinese restaurant with a "western menu" seems to be dogshit.

 

[Neurotypical Mantis]

most Asian bakeries or any asian place where milk is an ingredient in most of the menu

 

[AbyssStarer]

If they have really loud music and soccer on the TVs.