What if DSP actually opened an authentic Italian restaurant? - All your Phil, are belong to Ramsay.

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OneDaySon said:
He was asked if he ran his own restaurant (which he has said many times before he'd like to run an authentic Italian restaurant ran by an authentic Italian man like himself) what the signature dish of the restaurant will be. He has revealed it would be: Pasta with sauce.
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it would probably either bankrupt or be shutdown due to health reasons within the year. for fucking sure. i saw that sauce. as a home chef (which doesnt sound like much but i pride myself on my cooking) it was nothing but garbage. phils cooking relies so much on grease and butter its insane. unless its a mcdonalds. phils business will flop quicker than you can say "i wonder if this will work out for phil
 
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It's very funny to think of how he is and put his shit in the context of a restaurant owner, but aside from the financial issues that would prevent him from even trying to open a restaurant, there's a major factor that has only been mentioned by a couple of people so far.

Phil cannot interact with people in person. He can talk all the shit he wants on his stream, but there's no way he would be social enough to open a restaurant.

If he did, he would absolutely be like someone else said earlier in the thread, the owner that sits in his office avoiding everyone.

He could never talk anyone into a loan, he wouldn't be able to set up delivery of product, he wouldn't be able to convince anyone to work there, and even if he miraculously pulled all that off, he wouldn't come out and interact with customers. I love thinking of the interactions based on how he interacts with chat, but there's no way he would have the balls to go out in the dining room and talk to people.

God, it's like I can't think of one possible aspect of opening/running a restaurant that he even MIGHT be ok at. He sucks at everything.
 
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The only possible way for Phil to "own a restaurant" and be successful with it; would to simply be an owner/investor and hire people to do everything else. Everything from a waiter all the way up to the Executive Chef and Restaurant Manager; he could not have any part in it aside from the one on the hook for the bills. But he could never do that, he'd need to be in control.
 
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I think that Phil has never put even non-serious thought into owning a restaurant.

Just like how the 'ten year plan' is a deflection of his responsibilities, 'opening a restaurant' is a deflection of the ever hanging twitch failure over his head.

That's why he's never even thought of a name and can't articulate what 'authentic italian' even means. There's probably loads of italian places around his condo but he's never gone to them because they arent the ones he grew up with.

That aside, imagine this motherfucker needing to work with vendors. There's whole convention floor shows dedicated to self owned restaurants. Appetizers, sauces, fresh sourced ingredients, menu printing, utensils, you name it. Literally just a full building of everything you could ever need to equip yourself. BUT, you can't get it all in one place. It's impossible even.

I can't see Phil interacting with a vendor. Let alone the 5-10 different places he'd need to order and track inventory from.

Can he even name 10 italian dishes?
 
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For those who want a sneak preview of what his authentic Italian restaurant would be like and the food that would be served:

Yum yum. Lol at through the whole video Pandalee desperately tries to get his attention and get him to respond to SOMETHING she says. Surprised they didn't break up way earlier since this was 2014 and that was already the state of their relationship. Also 14:27 - 15:18. Confirmed, if you're not Italian you won't like oregano or garlic. Only Italians like that. All Italians by the way, no Italians dislike it. It's in their genes to like Oregano and Garlic, thats how you can tell they're Italian. Also all authentic Italians go for store brand chopped oregano and store brand chopped basil and garlic seasoning mix. They all put that on their authentic Italian dishes.
 
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OneDaySon said:
For those who want a sneak preview of what his authentic Italian restaurant would be like and the food that would be served:

Yum yum. Lol at through the whole video Pandalee desperately tries to get his attention and get him to respond to SOMETHING she says. Surprised they didn't break up way earlier since this was 2014 and that was already the state of their relationship. Also 14:27 - 15:18. Confirmed, if you're not Italian you won't like oregano or garlic. Only Italians like that. All Italians by the way, no Italians dislike it. It's in their genes to like Oregano and Garlic, thats how you can tell they're Italian. Also all authentic Italians go for store brand chopped oregano and store brand chopped basil and garlic seasoning mix. They all put that on their authentic Italian dishes.
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I like the empty gin-cup in the sink with the swizzle stick, from 2014. It's just a meme that he's a gin-aholic though you guise.

At 1:40 Phil says salad is a 'pain in the ass to make'.
Phil's 'salad' consists of:
  • Bacon Crumbles (from a bag)
  • Parmesan cheese
  • 'Caesar' Croutons (from a bag)
  • and Lettuce (from a bag) drenched in a salty, oily dressing
  • Topped with. . .more Parmesan cheese

Nothing like getting your RDA of sodium from a small bowl of 'salad', could be why he's so salty. He later instructs us to put extra salt on the mini-pizzas he's making. . .on shelf stable flatbread that you put toppings on and bake. .for another 26% RDA sodium. JFC phil, it's not even a meme at this point, you are literally a salty motherfucker.

Also Phil was his school's valedictorian, but tells us he was too stupid at his first job as a salad tosser to know that if you didn't hold the bowl in place it would 'fly right off the counter' and had happened to him when he was 'learning how to do it', and that the proper 'professional' way to toss a salad is. . .with a spatula. It's definitely not with salad tongs, fuck you, those are just for serving it you fancy pansy.
 
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OneDaySon said:
For those who want a sneak preview of what his authentic Italian restaurant would be like and the food that would be served:

Yum yum. Lol at through the whole video Pandalee desperately tries to get his attention and get him to respond to SOMETHING she says. Surprised they didn't break up way earlier since this was 2014 and that was already the state of their relationship. Also 14:27 - 15:18. Confirmed, if you're not Italian you won't like oregano or garlic. Only Italians like that. All Italians by the way, no Italians dislike it. It's in their genes to like Oregano and Garlic, thats how you can tell they're Italian. Also all authentic Italians go for store brand chopped oregano and store brand chopped basil and garlic seasoning mix. They all put that on their authentic Italian dishes.
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He's putting cilantro on a pizza? Isn't cilantro more a mexican/asian herb? Something you'd put on top of a street taco or bowl of pho instead?
Wouldn't Italian Parsley or basil be a better idea? And he didn't even wash the cilantro first? Also he says to not use the cilantro stems, the stems are great tbh. I don't know how he speaks so confidently about everything while being completely wrong.
 
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Prince Lotor said:
I like the empty gin-cup in the sink with the swizzle stick, from 2014. It's just a meme that he's a gin-aholic though you guise.

At 1:40 Phil says salad is a 'pain in the ass to make'.
Phil's 'salad' consists of:
  • Bacon Crumbles (from a bag)
  • Parmesan cheese
  • 'Caesar' Croutons (from a bag)
  • and Lettuce (from a bag) drenched in a salty, oily dressing
  • Topped with. . .more Parmesan cheese
Click to expand...

Hey! Leave him alone! Those are authentic Italian ingredients. He got them at the world foods section of his supermarket! So they MUST be from Italy! He even says, the bacon crumbles are just like chopping up bacon without having to do the work! They're not like those cheapo bacon bits that you get at supermarkets like he mentions, cause those are cheap, and the bacon bits are more expensive, so they have to be higher quality. They have the words REAL on the bag, so they have to be real and not processed! Same with the Caesar croutons. If they weren't perfect for a Caesar salad they wouldn't have Caesar in the names! People don't lie when they advertise! Why wouldn't they be good if they weren't expensive! Just like how those $300 headphones he bought were better than the $50 headphones with better reviews that his fans recommended him. Its less expensive. So how can it be better quality!?

You just know he thinks like this. He was in the food aisle and saw $2 bacon bits and then the $7 "Real" bacon bits and thought that they'd be better just cause they're more expensive and it has real on it. Even though if you look on the back, it has the same processed shit on it. The reason those ones are more expensive is to fool people like him. Then he looked at the parmesan cheese, saw the $3 bag then saw the $6.50 bag and his eyes lit up because the brand was Italian and it had "authentic Italian cheese" on it. Even though the both of them are just chopped up parmesan in a bag. Those epicurious videos on youtube where they taste cheap and expensive food items, or the ones where they have to guess which is the more expensive ones would blow his mind. "W-what dood!? Are you saying that just because its more expensive, it's not better quality!? Whatever dood. Thats impossible!"

JackDavis said:
He's putting cilantro on a pizza? Isn't cilantro more a mexican/asian herb? Something you'd put on top of a street taco or bowl of pho instead?
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You wouldn't understand, it's genetic. Only those with authentic Italian genes like cilantro on pizza. If you don't understand cilantro on pizza then it's cause you're not Italian like him. Its like the basil and garlic granules and the oregano, using those as seasoning. Only people with Italian genes like that, he says so!
 
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You enter the restaurant. The interior is relatively nice, however you notice a lack of customers. There were many negative reviews online for the restaurant, however the owner had dismissed them as slander, and were only based on a nugget of truth. A man who looked to be in his 50s squints at you. He is wearing an 80s style suit with a bowtie. You notice a large bald spot amongst his slicked back hair, and balding patches on his goatee. "HULLO EVERYONE" he screams, despite you being by yourself, "Welcome to Burnelli's AUTHENIC Italian restaurant!". He gestures towards the kitchen with his thumb, "Muh wife, y'know Khet, she's the chef here! Her food is delicious!" The man starts smacking his lips and raving about pizza, when you are almost blinded by the glare from a large set of teeth. Your vision returns to normal, and you see a bright red lady poking her head out of the kitchen. You turn your attention back to the man, and he asks "So! Umm... table for one?" followed up by a disgusting moist snort like a pig. Shocked by the noise, you slowly back away towards the door. You bump into an axe leaning against the wall. The man approaches you as though he was possessed, his arms outstretched at his sides forming a T shape. The tomato red lady gallops towards you, a tip jar in her outstretched arms. Frightened, you turn, run, and don't look back. You jump into your car and drive to a nearby Asian restaurant "PandaLee Express", and have some nice Chinese food for dinner. You know your experience with the snorting, T-posing man and the grinning tomato lady will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Cue the 'tism ratings 👍🤡 Big ups Angry Crow.
 
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NeckyTheThumb said:
You enter the restaurant. The interior is relatively nice, however you notice a lack of customers. There were many negative reviews online for the restaurant, however the owner had dismissed them as slander, and were only based on a nugget of truth. A man who looked to be in his 50s squints at you. He is wearing an 80s style suit with a bowtie. You notice a large bald spot amongst his slicked back hair, and balding patches on his goatee. "HULLO EVERYONE" he screams, despite you being by yourself, "Welcome to Burnelli's AUTHENIC Italian restaurant!". He gestures towards the kitchen with his thumb, "Muh wife, y'know Khet, she's the chef here! Her food is delicious!" The man starts smacking his lips and raving about pizza, when you are almost blinded by the glare from a large set of teeth. Your vision returns to normal, and you see a bright red lady poking her head out of the kitchen. You turn your attention back to the man, and he asks "So! Umm... table for one?" followed up by a disgusting moist snort like a pig. Shocked by the noise, you slowly back away towards the door. You bump into an axe leaning against the wall. The man approaches you as though he was possessed, his arms outstretched at his sides forming a T shape. The tomato red lady gallops towards you, a tip jar in her outstretched arms. Frightened, you turn, run, and don't look back. You jump into your car and drive to a nearby Asian restaurant "PandaLee Express", and have some nice Chinese food for dinner. You know your experience with the snorting, T-posing man and the grinning tomato lady will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Cue the 'tism ratings 👍🤡 Big ups Angry Crow.
Click to expand...
PandaLee Express is not Asian. That is all.
 
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NeckyTheThumb said:
A man who looked to be in his 50s squints at you. He is wearing an 80s style suit with a bowtie.
Click to expand...
Fake, unless it's his old suit from 10 years ago he paid no extra money for but it still fit (which he also mentions for no reason).

More realisticly, he wears a shirt with either:
  • Calimero (Italian cartoon fledgling), optional with his own beard attached like a shitty emote
  • The King Of Hate (for no reason)
  • Anniversary version with "10 Years of Penne" despite it's already year 12
  • Very first image of an Italian with a pizza he found on Google
  • Fan-motive with hidden Tevin references
  • Black begging shirt
His pants are just pajamas.

Edit. My own version if the current Phil would run a restaurant:

When you enter the restaurant "The Burnelli", a location in mostly dull brown and gray (and Christmas decorations in mid June) it's filled with disabled guests and you question yourself if you took the wrong door. But it smells like authentic burned meatballs so this could just be an event. As you enter, the service wants to see your papers. Fortunately your name doesn't resemble a competing pizzeria or else they would ban you from this location immediately without explanation.

As you sit down and listen to the guests they all seem to make fun of the interior, food and even the chef, all that to the painful ambience music of Phil singing songs about thucks on the floor. While your ears bleed in confusion you have to wait 30 minutes before the service actually gives you the menu with the words "I have no idea who you are, but have a chill fun time".
The menu itself is filled with introductions, the history of The Burnelli, troubles with the place (even below each individual food) and how "Tevin's Burgers" on the other side of the country ruined his reputation.

There are tasties like microwaved chicken, red meat from last week, bacon sandwich from the floor and of course the homemade authentic Burnelli sauce which is a legend under all known acids. Some say droplets still eat their way to the Earth's core. For some reason every menu is labeled "special" and "authentic" but only get names like "Spaghetti #1" and "Spaghetti #2".

After another hour the service comes to you and instead of taking your order he tells you how to support The Burnelli, the exact several methods and then vanishes for another 30 minutes. Meanwhile you see a fat dude lean in to the security, who throws out a guest with dyed hair, the fat guy then goes on a tyrade about dyed hair, yelling from the last corner of the house in complete safety.

Finally you can order drinks and meal, but what you get instead is a completely different meal. The service explains that stupid assholes put up the menu and order this specific meal even so they know the ingredients are expensive and the meal hard to make. So the boss made an executive decision and limits the menu to "Ordinary Menu #5" , without asking.

As it turns out the food's taste doesn't entertain your taste bud very much. It's like the physical embodiment of watching paint dry as it's below mediocre, unseasoned, tasteless, joyless, tough and overflowing with salt; which is all you can taste.
You put that stuff away and take a good sip of "Detractor Brew", the cherry juice which makes nasty shit stomachable.

You ask for the manager but nobody reacts to your words, until you take your wallet to hand. There he waddles, the fat guy from before and snorts in your general direction, takes the money you owe him and states: "A customer has a complaint I won't adress, thank you for the money dummy" and vanishes with mentioned money plus taxes for each individual ingredient.

Again you can hear a ramble from behind where he seems to speak to his cook, but as you look around the corner he stands in front of a camera, yells and flails while loosing eye contact to the lense. It turns out it's a direct stream to the restaurant on several 4k TVs: "I received a message from a source I can't mentioned at this moment, nothing I could do, nothing I did wrong, nothing you did wrong. All I can say is I NEED YOUR MONEY or else I can't maintain my restaurant, just being honest here, not even joking. I also have to keep up my second restaurant, sure it's empty but the costs kill me, you know what I mean" which slowly fades away as you slowly leave The Burnelli backwards.
 
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He'd open one day without doing any permiting or legal stuff, assuming as long as he stayed on the level, no one would ever ask about certifications. He would begin openly hostile to any detractors telling things like sanitation and labor laws.

He would state that the health dept only inspects stores that are obviously filthy, and by his standards things are obvs pristine. Like his office and house, doods.

After the first reaming from the Health dept, he'd close and simply never reopen rather than get back to code. Papa Brunelli's would become that one restaraunt in the restaurant district that is always closed yet has all the tables and placements in order, collecting dust. This would be part of an even dumber scheme to avoid accountability.

"I can't pay fines if the restraunt doesn't open, doods. I can't open if I don't deep clean the kitchen. I can't deep clean the kitchen because... (he refuses to do it)."

It would stay that way until the lease ended and then he would expect everyone else to move his failed experiment out. He would expect to get out of any fines or legal trouble by claiming he never officially opened, despite a myriad of yelp reviews he bought.
 
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