What if DSP actually opened an authentic Italian restaurant? - All your Phil, are belong to Ramsay.

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gaarashatan said:
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO, ITS NOT MY FAULT. I DONT GET THE FRESHEST INGREDIENTS!
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KHAMAHN DOOD I DONT HAVE TIME TO TALK TO MY SUPPLIERS AND SHOP LOCALLY

Phil, it only takes 2 hours a month. Fresher ingredients, much cheaper than buying it at a store.

I CANT DO IT DOOD MUH BAAAAHHHKKK!!!

Don't you care about saving your restaurant?

HOW BOUT I RUN THE RESTAURANT FOR YOU?

That's the plan you donkey.

... buh...
 
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Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said:
I'll bomb it.
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SILENCE! I'LL KILL YOU!

thebonesauce said:
Phil would be the ultimate contrarian if he were ever on Kitchen Nightmares. He would beat out Nino for biggest ego, and that one guy who chewed a tough piece of elk for 5 minutes? Well, Phil has him beat on denial. How about Amy’s Baking Company? I could see Phil being even more narcissistic and arrogant about his bullshit restaurant. He would be the type to be extremely passive aggressive towards his customers if they didn’t like his sauce. I mean, in all honesty, what theme would he ever pull together for a menu? In typical Phil fashion, he would probably steal recipes from the internet to add to his menu. Would he also consider himself the executive chef? He seems like the type that would need to be hands on with everything, and fucking everything up as hard as possible.
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Well. Ok. Mmhhrrrmmm. Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to my stream, please remember, tips will go straight to my bills, so be nice and don't cheer but tip, ok? Alright. Well, as you all know, I was the star in a live cooking show yesterday you might have heard about or rather not as it is not that popular or well known called Kitchen Nightmares. I was invited because one of my detractors sent an application to the moron running the show, a british upstart noone named Garden Ramsay. Never heard of him? Well neither did I, ACKACKACK! So I accepted the invite, because, well, you know me. I have never! EVER! backed down from a challenge, so why would I begin there, right? Ok. Mmhrrrmmm. Soooo, first of all this so called star cook expected me to do the cooking myself instead of just following my orders. HE EXPECTED ME TO COOK! ME! MEEE! I mean, what the fuck was this asshole thinking? I was the guest there so why would I have to do all the work? What an idiot. So he came on with all his bullshit fancy idiotic cook speak "Uhuhuuu *waves his noodle arms violently* I expect you to first create some Horsd'œuvre...". Fuck that bullshit. Why would anybody do that, right? Let alone eating such shit, right? ACKACKACK! So I told him: "Listen boy. You might be a good cook but that only makes you cook smart. I do not makes you eat smart, you know? People want to eat nice tasty meals not some french horseshit for bored millionairs and bulimic models. So here's what I WILL do instead. I'll cook you a nice penne and my special authentic italian sauce from a recipe running in my family for aeons. You'll like it and the audience will love it even more." And you know what? This moron, this so called five star cook, this idiot doesn't even has a tin opener! Let me say that again! NO! TIN OPENER! THIS MORON! ACKACKACK! But it gets better. As I had to explain to him like I would have to do to a four years old child, that I'll need the tin opener for my special ingredience, my Cento San Marzana peeled tomatoes, HE TRIED TO RIDICULE ME! ME! THIS FUCKING MORON! Just a moment... *stares at screen* Yes, Anonymouse. You are absolute right there, this cocksucker is a total asshole and has no idea about good, fresh canned products. ACKACKACK! But next time, Ananaymis, listen, next time, if you cheer me again, if you cheer me again instead of tipping me, it'll be a time out, ok? Ok. You have been warned, Aminimy, one strike you're out. I drive a zero tolerance policy here. I have to pay my bills somehow, ok? Ok. Right. Where were we? Ok, so this five star cook, more like five fart cook, nahnahnahnahnahnahnahnahnahnah, this five star cook made stupid jokes and got the audience riled up against me, but you know me, I'm cool. I am calm and collected in times like these so I played along. But not for long, because what broke the camels back, SWAGGINS! WOULD YOU DICK PLEASE MIND BANNING THESE MORONS WHO COMPLAIN WHY I DON'T START WITH THE GAME? THANK YOU! Idiot. So, what break the camels baNO I AM NOT TOXIC! THIS IS MY STREAM, I CAN DO WHATEVER I AM PLEASED TO DO WITH IT AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF! goddammit. so, to make a short story long, the faggot refused to hand me the sugar sack. Waddled all around waving hands to the air screaming "Sacrilege!" and other cooking terms nonsense. Fucking frenchie. He even tried to lecture me about the sugar destroying the natural flavor of the tomatoes and so off and so on. ... *looooooong sigh* It was horrifying. Really humiliating. And the worst part, I missed a complete day at work. One day that would have gone straight to my bills. *even looooooonger sigh* I am so tired. This stress is really wearing me out man. *we can hear Kat neighing something in the background* I CAN'T! I AM WORKING HERE AT THE MOMENT, OK? Jesus. *sigh* Ok. But fuck that all I am DSPositive and not a fucking french five star shit cock right? ACKACKACK! So after getting this out of the way, welcome to Destiny, the new smash hit from Activision that I decided to pick up this wee.... fades to black.
 
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It’ll be like most every other Italian place that isn’t a chain or stupid high end: overpriced and equivalent to Carraba’s or Olive Garden but stupid expensive. There’s a guy around my way who retired from upscale hotels and a Michelin starred restaurant, born and raised in Tuscany, and he operates a deli/grill/whatever for fun and his food is complete garbage. It’s “authentic”, for the most part, it’s just the food is shit because his ingredients are shit. So you see all the reviews and newspaper articles about him he has posted up on the walls and you wonder what in the hell is going on because what you’re eating tastes like rubber and sadness. The asshole knows it, also, because he’ll tell you to not get certain things on the menu because they’re “no good”.

Down the road a ways, there’s a guy who is 100% American mutt and he employs Eastern Europeans who I believe had to flee the region due to the UN looking for them to ask them a few tough questions about war crimes or the opposing force won out and they’re looking for “The Chechnyan Colossus” because they castrated some general’s son and broadcast the procedure over open comms. Nice guys, really, fun to drink with. The food there, though, is amazing. Maybe it’s because the cook was holed up in Grozny for eight weeks and had to survive on rats, rat turds, and recycled saliva, sweat, and piss so he’s a wizard when it comes to producing something edible out of material you’d rather not know from whence it came. Best goddamn veal parmigiana I have ever had, though. Is it really veal? I dunno, but it tastes pretty great. Maybe sewer rat tastes like veal.

DSP would be that fancy little place in a strip center that paid for some reviews on yelp/google so you go and it looks really nice but the food is incredibly mediocre despite running you 21.99 for a protein dish and the house wine is 9.99 a glass and you can get a bottle of it for less than that at the grocery store.
 
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He will be like the owners and chefs of these places in the start of the episodes!
 
It will be Amy's Baking Company but the roles switched to Phil being the delusional narcissistic Amy.

The clients will only go there to see the living meme and be thrown out while being yelled at.

Phillipo will whine about online trolls leaving bad reviews because of his "ex-business".

There will be no tips for the waiters and Phil will go from table to table to ask for tips.

Or Phil will pull a Cartman and open up an authentic Italian restaurant just for himself, where he'll cook frozen pizzas and pasta to himself while still begging on stream to save the restaurant.

"Guys, I really need your help, I need to eat..."
 
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Took one look at the title and immediately wondered "Would the place ever actually be open?"

Like... maybe a couple hours a week before he decides it's too much work/he's too tired and closes up so he can go back to bitching about vidya and trolls and wondering why he's not making money.
 
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Tame Sake said:
Took one look at the title and immediately wondered "Would the place ever actually be open?"

Like... maybe a couple hours a week before he decides it's too much work/he's too tired and closes up so he can go back to bitching about vidya and trolls and wondering why he's not making money.
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I give him 1-2 weeks tops, before we would get videos about him complaining about how hard it is while making up wild stories about how awesome his place is and how everyone loves it, they are just scared away by stupid immature children on twitter and YT!

And soon after he would go from 4 hours open a day to 2 hours on weekends or something!
 
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I think when mama Burnell puts more pressure on him when she notices he hasn’t gotten a real job yet, Phil’s going to try to open his authentic Italian restaurant. That’s a job, okaaaay?

Can you imagine him begging for tips so he can open his restaurant? “Realtalk guys, I need those tips to work! *t-pose* if I don’t come up with this money, I’ll never be able to get a job, okay? [youtube being worse than hitler rant] also my LIFELONG dream is to open my restaurant, I just need FUNDS. SO PLEASE CONSIDER TIPPING ME”

kind of like project 7, he’d probably raise the money but not open the restaurant after all.
 
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Sonichump said:
I think when mama Burnell puts more pressure on him when she notices he hasn’t gotten a real job yet, Phil’s going to try to open his authentic Italian restaurant. That’s a job, okaaaay?

Can you imagine him begging for tips so he can open his restaurant? “Realtalk guys, I need those tips to work! *t-pose* if I don’t come up with this money, I’ll never be able to get a job, okay? [youtube being worse than hitler rant] also my LIFELONG dream is to open my restaurant, I just need FUNDS. SO PLEASE CONSIDER TIPPING ME”

kind of like project 7, he’d probably raise the money but not open the restaurant after all.
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I know you're talking about people donating money, but restaurants cost a lot of money to open. There's no way in hell he'd qualify for the credit necessary to open one and there's no way in hell he'd raise the money via donations to open one. He can hardly raise a grand during his make or break streams, never mind a quarter million to open any kind of business with a physical footprint in Seattle.
 
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Sonichump said:
I think when mama Burnell puts more pressure on him when she notices he hasn’t gotten a real job yet, Phil’s going to try to open his authentic Italian restaurant. That’s a job, okaaaay?
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This dude can't afford to buy a $30 Indie video game, let alone a restaurant.

"Average restaurant startup costs vary from a few thousand to a few million. According to a survey, the median cost to open a restaurant is $275,000 or $3,046 per seat. If owning the building is figured into the amount, the median cost is $425,000 or $3,734 per seat."
 
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