Containment What If?

Re: Mail Order Bride

milkshark said:
My father married 2 of them. Chris would likely get trolled hard, as many of them use marriage as a way to escape a crumbling Russian economy. They'd marry him and probably disappear once they're considered a citizen. It's a horrible idea that he's probably considering.
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He wouldn't know where to look for a mail-order bride. If he has trouble comprehending Australia, what hope does he have with Eastern Europe?
 
Re: Mail Order Bride

Henry Bemis said:
milkshark said:
My father married 2 of them. Chris would likely get trolled hard, as many of them use marriage as a way to escape a crumbling Russian economy. They'd marry him and probably disappear once they're considered a citizen. It's a horrible idea that he's probably considering.
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He wouldn't know where to look for a mail-order bride. If he has trouble comprehending Australia, what hope does he have with Eastern Europe?
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But he knows Korea is in Europe, right? :roll:
 
As a gay guy I can say with extreme confidence that he'd be marginalized extremely and outright shunned for his appearance. While hooking up is still a big thing for the gay community, our standards are infinitely higher than the straight community (which is why it's laughable when straight guys get scared in the locker room whenever a gay guy enters the room). A big thing in the gay community is looks, you got to have the right hair, body, legs, clothes, walk and "package" otherwise you ain't getting nowhere.

Even in the online dating apps and websites Chris would receive little attention because of his age and appearance. On a lot of online profiles the mantra of a lot of people is "No fats, femmes or asians/blacks/mexicans/arabs". Chris' tomgirl status would count as being Femm (gay guys who act super feminine and girly rarely get laid) and his overweight status would repulse most people.

And that's not even counting his lack of hygine
 
duckduckgoose said:
You know, if Chris had a real job and was not reliant on his tugboat, his best best to get a wife would be to get a mail order bride. He could have his pick (he'd likely go for the Russian ones, they fit his criteria the best) then he'd have someone to take care of himself, his mom, the dogs, the house and give him china every night like in his opinion a good wife would do.

But Chris being Chris will be too lazy to do anything to raise any money or bother to get a job. He'd probably demand the church organize something for him to get contributions so he can get his wife.

Can you even imagine the horror, of the poor new wife when she meets Chris and Barb?
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consummation

I think Chris manages to get China; otherwise, Chris' marriage to this woman is invalid. Even if she's only joining to emigrate her native country, she'd still have to do it--and I'm not sure who gets trolled harder. Chris, obviously, gets one ride and a whole pile of paperwork. In this sort of circumstance, she'd also have to keep up appearances long enough for her marriage to be considered valid and not get thrown out by the INS--I'm unsure of how long that would be.

Case #2 is the woman is extremely desperate. Things can be very grim in many of these nations--and if we're assuming Eastern Europe, this could literally include things like living in a partially radioactive dictatorship. Some women in these countries probably know real poverty; it's probably fair to say they're not going to see 14 Branchland as a horrible place or the worst place they've ever been--this in itself is a scary thought.

But there are limits to what people will put up with. I don't see a woman with much self-respect at all kowtowing to Barb's demands; indeed, I think there is a problem with Barb making any concession on CWC's personal liberties. Honestly, Barb needs to get marginalized or even die for this to work super well.

Dodging that initial problem, 14 Branchland is probably close to a tipping point in terms of habitability. Bob's bug bites were mentioned; Chris losing his room to Barb because of huge piles of excess stuff, fecal matter from pets. I question IF, not WHEN, some terrible illness strikes as a result of that kind of sanitation. Winning that battle is only going to happen on Barb's dead body. I don't expect a lot of resistance from Chris alone from throwing out all kinds of junk--the problem is taking real initiative.

And its this lack of initiative that is the deal breaker. Chris might want a child because of a dream he's had, and he might know he wants a heartsweet, but WHAT ELSE will he do? He ultimately intends to hand the keys over to his wife--but he's 5% crazy, and perhaps 90%+ a dullard. CWC-Wife will find they can do better within weeks; and perhaps after some trying they discover CWC is beyond hope. They gave CWC a chance he probably didn't deserve, would squander, and probably leave them an in unstable place.

But CWC won't care 48 hours afterward.
 
He probably thinks prostitues are rent-to-own.
He wouldn't plunk down all that money all at once for a mail order bride.
 
Pikimon said:
As a gay guy I can say with extreme confidence that he'd be marginalized extremely and outright shunned for his appearance. While hooking up is still a big thing for the gay community, our standards are infinitely higher than the straight community (which is why it's laughable when straight guys get scared in the locker room whenever a gay guy enters the room). A big thing in the gay community is looks, you got to have the right hair, body, legs, clothes, walk and "package" otherwise you ain't getting nowhere.

Even in the online dating apps and websites Chris would receive little attention because of his age and appearance. On a lot of online profiles the mantra of a lot of people is "No fats, femmes or asians/blacks/mexicans/arabs". Chris' tomgirl status would count as being Femm (gay guys who act super feminine and girly rarely get laid) and his overweight status would repulse most people.

And that's not even counting his lack of hygine
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I can vouch for this. It's fucking ridiculous. Men on dating apps want quantity-over-quality, passionless, anonymous encounters with body builders. BORING.

Finding someone quality in this community takes effort to weed out the crap and Chris wouldn't put in any of the effort.
 
Pikimon said:
As a gay guy I can say with extreme confidence that he'd be marginalized extremely and outright shunned for his appearance. While hooking up is still a big thing for the gay community, our standards are infinitely higher than the straight community (which is why it's laughable when straight guys get scared in the locker room whenever a gay guy enters the room). A big thing in the gay community is looks, you got to have the right hair, body, legs, clothes, walk and "package" otherwise you ain't getting nowhere.

Even in the online dating apps and websites Chris would receive little attention because of his age and appearance. On a lot of online profiles the mantra of a lot of people is "No fats, femmes or asians/blacks/mexicans/arabs". Chris' tomgirl status would count as being Femm (gay guys who act super feminine and girly rarely get laid) and his overweight status would repulse most people.

And that's not even counting his lack of hygine
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As a STRAIGHT I've always thought this but it's nice to see some confirmation. I'm actually quite glad I'm straight because women have lower looks standards and I'd never be able to compete with the standards of gay men, it's too much effort :lol:

Honestly body wise Chris is not that unusual, people who are far fatter than Chris have happily hooked up with others. If Chris actually had a decent personality he'd most likely be able to find a gal pal to make a sweetheart from the ground up. But then he wouldn't be Chris.

Blue Max said:
And its this lack of initiative that is the deal breaker. Chris might want a child because of a dream he's had, and he might know he wants a heartsweet, but WHAT ELSE will he do? He ultimately intends to hand the keys over to his wife--but he's 5% crazy, and perhaps 90%+ a dullard. CWC-Wife will find they can do better within weeks; and perhaps after some trying they discover CWC is beyond hope. They gave CWC a chance he probably didn't deserve, would squander, and probably leave them an in unstable place.
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This. Not every single mail order bride story ends in her simply using it to get a green card, I have read of some success stories in the past. Nevertheless it's practically a certainty any mail order bride would walk out on Chris. It's very obvious he's a simpleton and after seeing how dependent he is on his mother I'm sure any girl is going to quickly realise what she'll have in store for her.

Eastern European girls tend to have more traditionally defined gender roles too, such as the man goes out to work and the woman cooks and looks after the kids. I don't think many of them would take well to Chris expecting them to be the one to work.

As others have said before, Chris is basically asking for someone to replace his mother that he can fuck and it comes with a lifetime commitment. That's asking a lot for any girl, even if he can offer them the relative comfort and security of living in a first world country.
 
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I don't think the question is what if Chris was a homo, it's WHEN Chris becomes a homo :tomgirl:
 
Chandler Cats said:
I know we've had over 9000 threads about "what if Chris liked ________" or "What has Chris ruined for you?", but this is the first time I actually shuddered when I read the topic. All I have to say is, I'm so very, very glad he didn't. I'm so deeply grateful that I never had to wade through 10 issues of Godachu (which sounds like God sneezing, and brings a whole new meaning to 'bless you'), or Pikazilla and the Chaotic Kaiju Combo. I will now clap three times and thank my local kami for small miracles.
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I was thinking along the same lines.
 
Then his life would change drastically. He'd probably start exercising, bathing regularly. Who knows , he might actually be able to make a profit from sonichu
 
Hopefully the mail order bride is a former Czech child soldier or some shit.

And she kicks the autistic every day.
 
Count groudon said:
I don't think the question is what if Chris was a homo, it's WHEN Chris becomes a homo :tomgirl:
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As long as he has Sailor Moon and Playboy by his side, its unlikely that he will anytime soon.
 
He probably would struggle on the straight path for a few issues, then come out like he did with Tomgirl. Sonichu and Rosechu would become background characters and Magi-chan and Wild would be brought forward as fellow homos looking for a boyfriend-free boyfriend in Date Ed. Silvana would become a male permanently. Chris would think that yaoi manga is a realistic portrayal of gay relationships and try to make himself into a seme because that's the passive role. Homosexuality would be another thing the jerkops kick him for.

There's actually a gay guy I know that reminds me of Chris (obese, obnoxious, media obsessed, lives in mom's basement, possibly slightly aspie). His life is pretty depressing. I imagine it would be very similar.
 
Chris would have a Godzilla OC that is known as either Pikazilla (Pikachu/Godzilla) or Godzard(Charizard/Godzilla). The love interest of this OC may as well be a female Godzilla with boobs and his super mode would be Chris Chan Godzilla. Other than that he would be a bit closer to Onigojirakaiju. For those who don't know about Onigojirakaiju, imagine that Chris would be Filipino, hateful of bi-polar people, loving reptiles to the point that he would want to copulate with a crocodile, loving space shuttles, having people he dislike die in a fan-fic staring Freddy Kruger, and having no friends with any remaining ones turning against him after seeing him for being a colossal JERK.

Chris would probably order a bride through the mail but he wouldn't bother since he pays his money on vidya and fast food. If he does, than the mail order bride would either leave him once she gets citizenship or if she puts up with all she can handle before breaking, she would instead end up divorcing him, taking whatever she can that isn't a tainted piece from the horde or Chris' room.
 
Re: Special mail order bride

Satan said:
Per: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1327
And: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1375

Two ways for Chris to get a sweetheart, is if she is either really simple, a special girl, slow-in-the-mind so to speak... or a mail order bride. Now in this wonderful moment of Satanic creativity, a spark of inspiration came to me. What if... Chris got himelf a mail order bride... and she also happened to be quite retarded in the process? A special little Gypsy girl from some godforsaken little village in Romania or Bulgaria. A slave, basically, someone who has grown up in a place so poor, so low, so dirty... that the impossible would happen: she would actually look up to Chris!
Thus Chris has himself a slave, a girl completely at his mercy, young, naive and impressiable enough to see him for more then he really is, and hailing from such a hell-hole she is desperate enough to cling on to him and the improvenement in life he provides. A minion who would give in to his every whim. A chance to be a husband, a father. And someone to fill Barb's sizeable shoes for possibly a long time to come.

How would this go down? Would it work, at all? Would she give Chris his god-promised child, and if so... then what? I am curious for some opinions.
Imagine twenty years from now... father's day... a huge clan of gypsy-Cherokian-Bulgarian-American Chandler spawn gather in the house of Papa Chris and Mama Christa (Christian renamed her because he could not pronounce her name).
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In fairness, if a woman manages to actually beat the long odds of being OK with CWC, manages to get to CWC and is able to be what he wants, I'd concede we have a CWC win condition on our hands. I think the odds are millions to 1 against, but this is what CWC wants, and we're saying its what the woman wants. The last clause isn't technically impossible, and the exposition makes a lot of sense.

Still, it would clearly obvious to all that CWC is probably abusing this poor woman. Trolls would probably try to act, but Ruckersville won't support an incursion to stop a cesspool of budding bacteria, a woman living in 14 Branchland that makes no supporting claim of wanting to leave isn't going to leave. I think there would be a massive showdown of trolls trying to intervene to stop this, and make good on the points upthread that women can do better than CWC. We're assuming it fails, but it would at least be tried and there would be several people trying to white Knight CWC-Wife.

But the premise is basically solid; there are some parts of Europe where eating TV dinners and having your residence climate controlled isn't a given. CWC-Wife would be a pathetic person, but then again, so is CWC.
 
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