Russ is out here walking into the shark tank, smirking as he tries to remember how to spell words with his poker cards.
Thank god they're not using naked lady playing cards.
Slurpy, derpy, miserable Russell Greer.
Now I can't stop imagining Greer on an episode of Shark Tank. He brings with him a sketchy idea for a mobile app that will allow an individual who has restraining orders against him, to track the locations of his victims, so that he can avoid accidentally straying into their vicinity.
He is requesting a $10million investment in exchange for a 5% stake in the company. He disarmingly jokes that, if any of the Sharks want to throw in a date with their daughter or granddaughter, then that might convince him to accept their offer.
Accommodations have been made in advance of Greer's appearance on the show. His presentation is given by the vocalist from his
America's Got Talent audition. Greer stands off to one side in his red sequinned jacket, bouncing up and down on the balls of feet, as he holds up flashcards that emphasise key words in the pitch.
When his proxy explains the plight of feeling like you can't leave the house in case you accidentally run into a person who has a restraining order against you, Russell holds up a card bearing the word " Frustration". In the bottom corner a diminutive caricature of Greer is pictured with zig-zagged lines of vexation emanating for the his greasy, tousled locks.
Greer's 'girl tracker' app will be a mandatory element of any restraining order, with all victims compelled by the courts to upload it to their mobile devices. It will allow the subject of the order to keep tabs on the injured party in real time, thereby ensuring that they do inadvertently venture across their path. Victims are also encouraged to upload details of any future plans they have to the app, so the restrainee can take the appropriate avoiding measures.
When the phone of someone who has a restraining order against them breaches the area of exclusion around a victim, it will vibrate with increasing vigour and intensity the closer they get.
Users of the app will be given the option of temporarily lifting a restraining order, allowing the penalised individual to venture closer without incurring any legal consequences. Greer is of the belief they should be automatically opted-in to this preference, as doing so empowers women by giving them (and not the courts) the final say over who approaches them. If a woman wishes to uphold the restraining order, all she need do is uncheck the box and await approval from a court-appointed representative
In an attempt to curry favour with the panel,
Every Breath You Take plays over a photomontage of young female relatives of the Sharks, harvested from social media, along with any accompanying location data that Greer has been able to lay his sweaty paws on.
With the presentation concluded, the Sharks rise from their seats as one, and proceed to viciously bludgeon Greer with the gold bars that they use to taunt candidates and purchase high-end coffee and foie gras.
As the unconscious body of Greer is dragged away by its ankles, painting the studio floor with a broad, bloody smear, a trio of burly women amble mannishly into the centre of the room and commence a pitch for a 'no questions asked' mob cemetery, on the site of their ailing alpaca ranch.
