2022 Lolcow Derby - AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!!!

[Dumb Bitch Smoothie]

As the representative of Weeb Wars, I present the field for the Anime Was A Mistake Turf Sprint.

Representing Monica Rial, I give you Miss Alleged, sired by Alleged.
View attachment 3614136

#2 is Jamie Marchi, represented by Beholder

#3 is Ron Toye, represented by Rich Strike.
However, the horse has been flagged for aggressive behavior towards the outriders and ponying horses and will need to wear a muzzle to prevent another biting incident.

#4 is Marzgurl, represented by Arms Runner. Yes, that is actually the horse's name. IYKYK

#5 is Daman Mills represented by Predatory Pricer

#6 is our wild card, Nick Rekieta represented by Tiz The Law

The Whale Wars thread is collectively represented by PETA, who will be picketing the event.
#7 is Emmett Plant

#8 is T Greg Doucette, represented by Charlatan


The field may or may not be expanded, but it's a turf sprint. It lasts only a little longer than a weeb does in bed. I've contributed my own autism.

 

[Random Internet Person]

So what's the betting odds here? Bookmakers will really want to get into this one.

 

[clusterfuckk]

This thread is the type of autism I need.

May I present to you, my humble submission "Toothy Grifter" a old, yet artificially energetic stallion who is admittedly new to the LOLcow races, but he has a winning attitude.
I feel he is a front runner in the Methamphetamine Stakes; The Gunts Plate and Fat White Women Derby.

 

[Yeeted Teet]

The front runner from the Beauty Parlour can't run at all, and should have been put out of her misery a long time ago. It's Kelly Ronahan and what she lacks in speed and limbs, she makes up for in unwavering determination. One to watch in the Munchie Derby and Literal Handicap.

 

[Local Wordmason]

I have no clue what im reading or what im looking at and it's great.
Very early /b/ thread energy. Like the Tile Fetish Guy.

 

[Vapid_Idiot]

This horse is sad because it is fat and fat because it is sad, do not bet on it

 

[The Entity]

All in on DSP no questions asked.

That horse could walk out of the glue factory fully intact.

 

[Caligura]

Nah man, Silky Sullivan is gonna win, he's a real OG.

 

[The Crow]

My money is going towards Tommy Tooter, because if the old washed up underdog actually wins, I'll become rich

 

[BetterFuckChuck]

You think thats bad? I once saw a guy who photoshopped jennifer lawrence’s head onto the head of his dick. Like a jennifer lawrence worm was growing on his crotch like some sort of body horror shit

 

[Norman B. Normal]

I don't see Kevin Gibes, Lou Gagliardi, or Rioley Storm here anywhere. Fixed and corrupt.

 

[oramge cat]

This is an extraordinary achievement that knocks the demented worldbuilding of the motherfucker Chris Weston Chandler into a cocked hat. Bravo to you Sir, Madame, or Xir.

Who could have predicted that autism would peak with the elongated faces of lolcows being crudely photoshopped onto horses, and that these equine chimera would be painstakingly provided with fictional racing form? It turns out that not even Nostradamus saw this one rumbling over the distant horizon. If David Milch had gone down this route with Luck, the show would have probably run for more than one season, and all those horses wouldn't have died on set.

I think we have also been provided with an insight into the future of furrydom. No more big-eyed, powder blue wolves. It's going to be all about horses, with misshapen human heads.

I have a few observations:

Despite making bold claims to the contrary, Ralph is unlikely to be able to gallop for more than two miles and will probably crash in his horsebox before he reaches the circuit.

Yaniv will probably sue you for depicting him as a black horse. He will want to race with his support dog which may contravene Jockey Club regulations.

DSP will spend insane amounts of money on enchanted horseshoes and a magic saddle. He will implausibly win any event that he enters, no matter what the obstacles are.

Cooney is auditioning for the role of famine in the impending apocalypse. Lolhorse racing is a stepping stone in her career. She cares nothing for the noble sport.

Kadzo will insist that the racetrack was once a part of Africa, that was stolen from the continent and transported to America in an act of colonial appropriation. He will also claim that the sport of horse racing was invented in Kenya. Do not stable him with any foals.

Cooney would be the GOAT jockey tho, probably 80 pounds fully geared.

 

[nemesisAF]

I'll bet money on Greer in the disabled tard horse race.

I’m kinda missing Russell Greer. Boogie should also be there, but he’s too fat to be a horse. .

Spectacular example of Kiwi autism, fine sir.

Greer wouldn’t run because there’s no female celebrity to impress and thus get him his penis sucked

but if he did, he would need his accommodations. Or else you are discriminating against him for being disabled. Which he would be forced to sue you for, don’t you know

 

[Doggo]

Yeah. These photoshops are one of the things that can make the internet such a beautiful thing sometimes.

 

[Karras Rising]

This is fucking terrible, great job dude!

 

[John Freeman]

What the fuck dude

 

[Unabomber11]

FIRST 4 ENTRIES ON THE ALSO ELIGIBLE LIST


1) Creepshowart (Winx)- long-game runner Creepshowart is a serious threat at marathon distance.

Qualifying wins:
*Puppetmaster Stakes *MS Paint Mile
*Manip-U-Dip Marathon *LowTierTalent Distaff

2) Keemstar (Rock of Gibraltar)- a horse who’s been overshadowed in the past, Keemstar punched his possible Derby ticket with a recent record-setting win in the (Grade I):

*Iftheresgrassonthefieldplayball King’s Cup

3) Idubbz (Kelso)- the lone GELDED entry this year, Idubbz is one of the more consistent equine athletes to date.

Races Anisa let him win:
*OnlyFans Overnight Handicap
*Cuckhold Championship Challenge
*AllBarkNoBite Handicap

4) Shanny For Christ (Azeri)- running like she’s on a mission from God himself, Shanny For Christ should factor in any race over a mile and a quarter. Still holds world record for the Grade I $700,000 Insurance Settlement Stakes (practically a walkover).

Recent wins:
*Revelation News Overnight Handicap
*Insurance Settlement Stakes *DV Distaff
*Baby Carrot Futurity *Grifter’s Classic
*Borderline Handicap

 

[Agent of Z.O.G.]

Well this isn't the direction I expected them to go in for Uma Musume Pretty Derby Season 3.

 

[Unabomber11]

Where the hell is the reigning champion, Cherokian Chan CWC?

That pony can giddy up to the extreme!

Hall of Champions coming soon frens…..

 

[Local Spooky Bitch]

Keffals, IP2/Baked Alaska, or Nikacado Avocado....this is a hard one. I will bet on Keffals, always in it for the ratio