Happy 2023 - Drunk Spergery

[Rob Wolchek]

2023 predications

Keffals falls into obscurity, will still continue to have a small following that slowly degrades as time goes on

Liz will continue her rampage until one of his (potentially many) victim/s decides it's time to go public

Ralph hurts himself to the point of no longer being as visible as he is now/dies

Troons will continue being troons, new lolcows to be discovered

KF achieves one month of 99.1% (or better) uptime, which I predict will happen early/mid this year.

Dropkiwifarms continues posting until he realizes it's fruitless, finds a new game to waste his life in

Null receives some form of happiness, and maybe better takes (your takes are fucking shit josh, fuck you)

Someone on this site will do something stupid

CWC court case goes nowhere, judge realizes Chris is too retarded for salvation and that jail will rot his brain further, gets institutionalized like he is now but just more apparent (state hospital or something)

And probably a bunch of other shit I don't care about

Happy new years you wonderful autistic retards, I hope I can continue lurking without encountering 403's every fucking minute

 

[Gunter Hatherer]

Predictions always sound better in Latin (and give me an opportunity to show off).

Fiet cito stercora.

 

[Jeff_the_Thriller]

3D printed subscription based food made entirely from crickets and sorghum. Brought to you by your friends at Amazon.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

Culture War Predictions

Niggers will Nig
Trannies Will Groom
The GOP will continue to Flail impotently as it has for the past 50 years.

Global Event predictions

Ukraine v Russia will continue the grift and The Globalists will continue to be a Giant Money Laundering Operation
Rampant inflation is going to come back to roost and cause real economic hardship
Due to the second prediction China will do something MONUMENTALLY STUPID in order to "Save Face" and I mean stupid, as in "You should have just invaded Taiwan you dumb Bat eating Chinks"

Lolcow Predictions

Ralph and Horse split
Keffles obviously ODs but it is somehow twisted into "Keffles committed suicide and Kiwi Farms is at fault"
Boogie's heart gives out

 

[Meiwaku]

People will be fat, and I will not want to have sex with them.

 

[Dixieland Buckaroo]

Not happening. Null doesn't have nearly enough Palestinian foreskins to claim Hila's heart.

Not happening. Even if Marge's VA dies (or the other big VAs) they will just replace her and move on. I used to think that the show would go down once a big VA died, but now I'm convinced that the Simpsons will just Ship of Theseus itself until the end of time.

Nah. What will most likely happen is that Putin will use either a tactical nuke or a some sort of chemical or biological weapon to bring Ukraine to the negotiating table.

I can believe it.

Who is Calacanis?

This is all, but certain.

Jason Calacanis is a blowhard dick rider of Elon's, an angel investor. He hit it big with a web 1.0 and 2.0 companies, I think one was like, weblogs.com or something similarly generic. He was mooching off of Leo from TWiT for a while in the mid 00s and started his own podcast, this week in startup's.

Most of my predictions are just for funsies, but for this one, I mean, who the hell else does Elon get that's going to fulfill his vision?

 

[Oxyjen]

Right wing terrorists succeed in blowing up some vital piece of infrastructure causing widespread chaos, and kiwi farms to be down.

The tranch will be abandoned.

Elon Musk will have a psychotic break

 

[Lance Private Drop Off]

A certain cow, recently identified will scream when they realize that their rise within the IT field will be extremely stymied by the fact that a security clearance will be unobtainable for them, despite previous military experience.

 

[Chilli Soup]

2023 predicktions:

Kiwi-Related:
> Null achieves a sense of peace and serenity, probably inspired by seeing the sunset over the trees at the perfect moment.
> CWC drops the Goddess Logs & doxxes 50 weens
> Chantal returns to Canada, realises her life has imploded and has a psychotic break
> Amber is boring, fat, maybe dead? Wipey face reveal.
> DropKiwiFarms is forgotten about - there's a culture shift away from troon madness

IRL:
> China & Russia grow hostile towards each other, nuclear war is 0.0001m away
> Putin dies, China's economy tanks, global panic
> The slow march towards CBDC continues, we all buy gold.
> Elon Musk becomes a laughing stock
> I become famous

 

[Jibbers Cribbers]

14. Someone will make a move against Project Veritas and get them shut down

What’s wrong with Project Veritas?
I always thought they were the ones calling out corrupt governments.

 

[Cat Phuckers]

Lazily copied from a post I made on another predictions thread on the site:
Up to Three Submissions for Card:

1. SparxTraxx will commit suicide and will blame society for not accepting him and the Farms for mocking him while also smugly declaring how he just "wuvs to be h8'd by twansphobes uwu".
2. May will get hooked on hard drugs to cope with the spite-marriage, which will go through, and her health will noticably decline in photos.
3. Fredrick Brennan will die from his condition and the the effects of drug abuse, and his last post on Twitter will be yet another pornographic drawing of his furfag OC attached to an anti-Jim Watkins rant.


Additional Predictions:

Likely:

1. Kweefin' Kween Kuh'ffals (YWNBAW) will go on some unhinged anti-KF rant on Twitch to try and rally support again, but will only recieve superficial/performative support, causing him to suicide-bait into the void and then retire from all social media except whatever Twitter clone he will live on.
2. Rozanne the "Ralphababy" will end up in a Mexican hospital for several days with some severe neglect-related illness and be taken into Mexican foster care by the government upon recovery, leaving Ralph and May childless.
3. Katzunuwu will commit suicide when she realizes she will never be anything more than an ugly fake manlet, and her spiral into insanity will be blamed on the Farms rather than her brain injury.

Less-Likely:

1. KhordKitty will be prosecuted for his crimes.
2. Warski will do coke on stream again and actually admit to it, leaving the internet for a number of months to a drug rehab clinic.
3. Sappho will leave the internet and seek help instead of constantly embarassing himself and self-owning online.

Wtf, lol?

1. Josh will find beautiful Albanian tradwife and have many Aryan mutt-babies with her.
2. Elon will tweet #GamerGate3 and save the West.
3. Shmorky will come back online, publicly endorse the Shmorky NFT scheme, and will begin to make original Klurf drawings for sale a la Chris Chan.

 

[Scooter Kid]

Massive Russian offensive (like 150 000 strong) is already beeing prepared around Kharkov so probably that

ok retards what's your predictions for 2023

 

[Salvador Dali]

Worldly predictions:

1. Ukrainians gain gypsy notoriety as they refuge in different nations.
2. Scientific articles and headlines were written about protecting Ukrainian refugee sex workers
3. Giant whistleblowing scandal at a FAANG company near the second quarter will cause its shares to plummet (I have no proof to back this up)
4. Imran Khan assassination (Late Jan - Mid Feb)
5. Meteorite is gonna hit some remote place in Kyrgyzstan or Mongolia

cow related predictions:

1. Someone in the gorl world will make national media headlines or tv coverage
2. Chris Chan is gonna be admitted to a psyche ward
3. Null is gonna troon
4. Nader is gonna kill Dee Dee
5. Cyraxx is gonna make frivolous threats that get him arrested

Cheers!

 

[TheGrandDragonJesus]

I predict that the South Park kids are all actually real and Matt Stone and Try Parker will lose control sometime mid way through the year, unleashing them upon the world and fixing reality.

 

[Synthetic Smug]

Major Twitter drama as the Sony buyout of Bungie results in layoffs and recrimination. Sex pest and tranny game artists will turn on each other.
Knock on effect will be a wider group of realizing that these techies with the big(ish) salaries are working paycheck to paycheck due to the insane COL in the hive cities.

 

[Vaclav Havel]

Kiwifarms will become global leader in decentralized internet technologies.

 

[Robert.pawlson]

ok retards what's your predictions for 2023

Total Ralphamale victory. And Jim will cure cancer aids but his eye will still be fucked so pirate Jim.

 

[Waff]

Null will release his own web service on the knowledge he has gained from keeping his site alive and the internet 1.0 with base html pages of no restrictions rises again!

 

[Jeff_the_Thriller]

Roosterteeth going bankrupt.

They aren't already?

A new conspiracy theory will rise in 2023. This time from the LGTBQIA+ comm.

Alpacaust denial.

They are going to blame the bigots and chuds for their alpacas dying. There's no way they are taking responsibility for their own incompetence.

there will be at least two DDOS attacks on the farms each month for the entirety of this year, with a peak happening in august following chris chans release from legal bureaucracy hell

Chris is going to die in jail awaiting trial 6 years from now but he leaves behind his gift to the world, the Book of Sonichu. He will be seen as a prophet and bloody holy wars will be fought in his name. The Cwcans will lay siege to Ruckerville and rename the city to its true and honest name of Cwcville.

 

[Overly Serious]

The Trans Mafia will succeed again for a time in bringing down the Farms but it will be a Pyrric victory. By this point the seeds are planted for a range of other sites that openly discuss the movement in critical terms and the Farms itself shall rise again after three days of downtime, like Jesus did.