Chris is capable of doing things in his retarded way.
He is extremely stupid, weak and incompetent however.
So life has to offer these up on a silver platter without requiring any effort or planning from Chris.
Like a maybe demented Barb.
I guess the wrangler could do drugs and pass out in front of him, or have a seizure and faint, Chris would go "Mhhh yeah now is my chance for Chyna! She'll love it." and whip out his Bent Duck and slide down her pants before giving Crystal his best naval shot.
Chris has tard luck, and we can't 100% rule this out.
Remember his idea was for Santa to bring him a pre packaged girlfriend for Christmas.
But he is far too stupid and meak to efficiently corner a woman and leverage his tard strength, unless he does get a very instructive second prison time to do the obligatory learning from Bubba.