Kinda struggling to spend my free time well. I've always had trouble figuring out what I want to be doing at any given moment. Trying to hang out with my friends as much as possible at least but their schedules are a lot busier than mine. I live in a large city so the world is my oyster but what the hell do I do with an oyster?
I end up spending a lot of time at home just browsing but I feel like it's literally killing me.
Unplug the computer, sit with being bored and adrift, and then just go do what seems interesting. Just pick one if there are too many things to decide which is 'best." If you're in a large city/oyster, what you're going to do is whatever seems interesting, and it doesn't really matter which thing it is. All of it is better than browsing, which you can do anywhere. You'll figure out what you do/don't like. Go grab it!
So yeah, therapists are a bunch of hacks. They would rather re-frame your problem into something their pea-brains can handle rather than process a problem the way someone is explaining it to them
I can relate to this feeling. And I agree that there are a lot of not-great therapists. And yet, when I've thought back to one of the few times I've availed myself of therapeutic help, with a therapist I dumped because she kept insisting that x had happened, and I was like, "that's not why I'm here, and also I do not agree at all" - in retrospect, she was 100% correct. It wasn't the root issue, and was not the issue I was there for...but 10 years later I recognized she was correct, and perhaps if I'd listened and followed that therapeutic path with her, I might (? Not sure about this) not have made some later poor decisions that actually did relate to what she was talking about. ...so what I'm saying is that sometimes what seems like shite probing or identification of problems might not actually be useless. I wasn't interested in what seemed to be/was a peripheral issue that I thought I had totally handled, but much later it turned out that that issue was actually rooted in something deeper that, if addressed, could possibly have saved me a lot of headache.
Indeed, self-disciple is one of the most important features and skills a man can have, and what's worse, is that few appreciate it and people always try to ruin it.
*anyone can have
So as not to PL, I'm kind of in a place where marriages tend to be fairly stable and anyone 1. my age and 2. would be a good fit for me was married off a long time ago.
Pretty consistently, those I've dated in the last few years have been some rich guys that dated me for sport (they liked to not-so-subtly remind me they were too good for me; they weren't and those didn't last long), but mostly guys below my social class that damn near resented me for being more successful and despite my general demeanor lately, having my shit together better than them.
If someone could point me towards where they keep single, middle-aged men with their shit together and who work out (yes, that's important) who aren't going through mid-life crises and think the next best thing isn't a swipe away when the reality of a relationship hits them, I'd love to know where that is.
I don't know where to tell you to find them (or what you consider middle-aged), but I am glad for you that you saw the resentment (and sport) for what it was and noped out.
Without a doubt I have let myself and everyone else in my life down, spiraling deeper into vices and self hatred, no more optimism left to share. It truly makes me sick to imagine how they view me and how low I’ve let myself get. Friends have brought up how much my despair gets to them too, but when I try to talk to them about it they don’t seem to care and just want to get the conversation over with.
The idea of what could have been haunts me heavily, even earlier when I could see certain things becoming an issue I didn’t make the necessary changes and I can never get that time back.
It's true you can't get time back. There is only now, and the future. So don't let "what could have been" preclude you from "what is" and "what can be." Yes, sounds trite, but it is literally accurate.
Perhaps time away from input from those whose judgments make you retreat and feel lower would be a good thing. Reassess, redefine yourself without negative input. You've said your friends are sick of hearing about it, so maybe quit going to a dry well. And take the time to clear your mind of the judgment and fear of further judgment, just you and yourself, sorting out a direction and self-conception that YOU can endorse. And no more apologies for whatever you have or haven't done that someone else (or you, yourself) thinks should have been different. Yes, that will mean enduring negative input, but if you get yourself together, that input won't matter to you so much.
