This is going to be a fairly long vent. As a bisexual trans man in his mid-twenties who prefers to date T4T and additionally prefers relationships with women, I’ve encountered a lot of nastiness directed towards the trans women I’ve dated coming from even the most “well-intentioned” trans men in my life and I am reaching a breaking point in dealing with this type of behavior. I live in the US in a red state (albeit a more progressive city) so my experiences with other trans men are unfortunately few and far between, unless we’ve met online first. Due to this, I have only a handful of trans male friends I know offline, and all of them seem to unfortunately have absolutely abysmal knowledge of the experiences faced by trans women, how medical/social transition with trans women goes down, and just general etiquette when interacting with them.
My current girlfriend is a binary trans woman and I don’t even think I would allow her to meet some of the trans men I’m casually friends with due to their completely unchecked transmisogyny that seems to seep its way into the majority of their interactions with transfeminine people and furthermore the assumptions they make about them. It’s incredibly frustrating because I don’t even know if they realize how harmful their generalizations and misconceptions about trans women are.
For instance, most of the trans men I have encountered IRL seem to be completely sold on certain facets of TERF rhetoric (whether they realize this or not), namely regarding socialization. First and foremost, nearly all of them have some pretty toxic bioessentialist beliefs to unpack regarding “male/female socialization” whether it’s explicitly stating that trans men are more compassionate/“safe” than “AMABs” due to supposedly being subjected to womanhood pre-transition or insinuating that trans women are more likely to display behaviors in line with cis men due to their “AMABness” (yuck). The inherent mistrust of cis men and trans women seems to go hand in hand. Both are problematic for different reasons.
I obviously have huge issues with pitting trans people against each other on such a bioessentialist basis as it virtually functions as a “lite” or ~progressive~ way to misgender both trans women and trans men and assert that our ASAB is the ultimate factor in determining the way in which we navigate the world, undermining our gender identities in turn. Thusly, a
lot of misconceptions are being made here in favor of upholding the same type of rhetoric cis people espouse to attempt to discredit the validity of trans experience. As I am stealth passing (and the majority of trans men I know IRL are passing to a certain degree as well) this notion is not only toxic but utterly inaccurate. They, like myself, live and are perceived as male, yet they cling to this vague descriptor of “AFABness” which is usually directly juxtaposed with “AMABness”.
Most of my trans male friends in my city have never been with a trans woman romantically or sexually (most have never even had a trans woman friend) and even seem to possess a sort of prejudiced, knee-jerk reaction to me dating trans women that is not unlike that of many transphobic cis people I’ve encountered. I get a lot of invasive questions about our sex life unprompted from these trans men (Ex. “Did she put her penis inside you? Does she use her penis? Can she get you pregnant?”) and all of them seem to subscribe to this horrible misconception that trans women are indistinguishable from cis men when it comes to sexual intimacy. Unsolicited and highly misguided questions about how my trans girlfriends bottom are also abound, and it is typically made fairly clear that none of these trans men are even remotely familiar with the prep and process that goes into anal sex (which is additionally wild, as most of these trans men identify as gay/bisexual).
There’s an additional knee-jerk reaction to anal sex and I have been subjected to a lot of fairly childish remarks about how this type of sex is “gross” or “unsanitary” in addition to a fixation on potential accidents that could occur. Not one of my trans male friends were familiar with douching, fiber supplements, dietary preparation before bottoming, poppers, etc. or even knew that lube is an absolute must when doing anal. When I answer their questions, there is always an air of disgust. People with anatomy like my girlfriend aren’t even the only people who partake in anal, but there is an undoubtable stigma attached to it that I’ve seen many other trans guys perpetuate.
Knowledge of how to refer to a trans woman’s anatomy with care and respect is also entirely out the window with these guys. They seem to be able to comprehend that trans men can prefer this type of language when referencing our bodies (calling our T-dicks just that or even simply “dicks”, using “hole” or other more gender neutral/affirming terms for our anatomy) yet they so carelessly use the same terms they would with a cis man to describe the bodies of trans women they have yet to even meet. I even had a trans guy friend refer to my trans girlfriend’s body with the term “bussy/boy pussy”. No self-awareness or reflection whatsoever.
I’ve been “warned” about trans women from trans men I’ve met, who seem to have internalized nearly all of the bigoted rhetoric they’ve been exposed to by cis people. Calling trans women perverts, assuming they are inherently more “dangerous” than cis women (or even trans men!), insinuating that there is an element of sexual predation or fetishism at play (?) and sometimes even making outright cruel and callous remarks about trans women passing in general. They seem to be surprised and shocked and react like they are completely dumbfounded when trans women—much like trans men—do, in fact, pass, and are perceived as women in their day to day life.
I could honestly continue for multiple paragraphs, but here’s a quick list of some things that the trans men in my life were completely unaware of regarding the experiences of trans women:
- Voice training
- How estrogen works
- Testosterone blockers (and how they work)
- How bottom surgery for trans women works and different options
- How bottom surgery for trans women is maintained (dilation, etc.)
- How estrogen affects genitalia
- The concept of transmisogyny in general (most trans guys I’ve met have never even heard this term before)
- Chasers and why dating as a trans women is potentially dangerous
- How trans women have sex
- How trans women date (lots of trans guys seem appalled that some trans women use Grindr to seek out bisexual men, or, conversely, seem appalled that trans women regularly date straight men, as if they are not women?)
- Other surgeries (FFS, breast augmentation)
The list can go on but these are the big ones I’ve encountered the most. I suppose I’m just exhausted, and honestly disappointed. It’s difficult to find solidarity within the trans male community when they so routinely fail to even adequately support my trans partners, or begin to remotely empathize with their experiences.
Edit: This instantly being downvoted is not soothing my concerns here.