why are you still single - and general discussion of the dating game

[Fapcop]

The second, upon seeing me IRL said, "You are WAY out of my league". That didn't sit right, but I didn't walk out. He kept insisting that he wanted to be "accommodating" to me.

Bizarre… It’s pretty basic human psychology that you’re more interested in something that is hard to achieve, and easily accessible things aren’t as interesting.

Guess he never realized that “You’re way out of my league” or “I can’t believe you’re willing to settle with me” isn’t really a compliment.

Idk man, it seems to me that there’s an entire generation of both men and women who learned a lot of what they know (or think they know) about relationships and sex from movies, and TV shows.

Absent fathers, absent mothers, single parents. And of course a media that teaches all the wrong lessons.

How do you meet your dates?

I hate dating apps, and if I was looking for a relationship, I’d probably go for a friend of a friend or something.

Good luck on your love quest!

If I may give some advice, you should keep your X number of days for yourself, but just tell the guy that you won’t have sex with him until you feel it’s going somewhere/could be serious.

“I won’t have sex till we have dated for 90 days!” Kinda sounds like a challenge or a run-down-the-clock thing for some men.

 

[Lemmingwiser]

So, lesson for you youngsters

lesson for women:

tell the person that needs to hear the advice instead of being indirect and throwing it into the world like it's good advice for other people.

Like, just point me in the direction of where well-adjusted adults are

In relationships.

“I won’t have sex till we have dated for 90 days!” Kinda sounds like a challenge or a run-down-the-clock thing for some men.

Sounds like a time waste. If she had that rule her entire life, it'a a plus, but considering it's usually a post wall filter you just know it's put up because of general histronics. Why would I wait for something that others didn't have to wait for?

 

[Geddy Lee's Fee and See]

It's interesting to spot the pattern in this thread. Many people (men and women) that list a long ass laundry list of things they need in their sweetheart from the ground up.

That approach is an autistic misunderstanding of how relationships work. People change during all of their lives, and evolve together. Not saying one shouldn't have integrity, but don't be set in stone either.

For example, I share few political values with my gf. Who cares? Fuck politics. I can't think of anything more pussy drying and dick shrinking than a couple debating each other about some current year nothingburger.

I agree for the most part but like in any relationship, romantic or otherwise you do have to have some commonalities in order to build off of that. I'm thinking shit like hobbies, tastes in music/art/food, etc. Shit that lends itself to good discussion while not being so pedantic as to being one-minded. Also, fundamental values need to be very similar for some sort of success. I don't really care about politics at all, but I talk about music (mainly rock and metal, but 80s new wave and 90s/00s alternative rock/pop) for days. Likewise, I do believe in traditional family values (minus the fake and gay propagandistic angle) and want a large family.


If you can't engage someone on their level, then it'a a waste of everyone's time to even seek out a relationship with them. That doesn't mean have a sweetheart from the ground up, but have realistic and sane standards of the type of person you could see yourself marrying and be reasonably flexible. I could care less if a girl I have the hots for is into K-Pop or J-Pop or something like that. As long as we share a common set of core beliefs, that's just more to talk about really.

I might have misread your post, in which case, I didn't mean to come off as pedantic.

The thing is though, people who have been partners for a long time, are usually together for a reason. Even if the spark or sex is gone.

They may have kids together, their lives are intertwined. And most of the time, they make a really good team.

This might be a double post, but couples often stay together out of the fear of loneliness and out of the desire of financial security marriage brings with two incomes. The spark and love may have faded, but the everyday financial concerns haven't and often accumulate. Cynical yes, but that's why a lot of couples stay together not out of anything resembling love, but just pure pragmatism. It's something that's a rather poor way to live and avoidable if you put a decent amount of intenionality into finding a good spouse for life rather than short term flings and the like. I think the way people approach dating is kind of subpar in that sense: it optimizes short term pleasure and sexual excitement at the expense of finding a long term life partner and best friend you can start a family with.

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

Now that I'm on the verge of having my life back together, I think I'm going to stay single for a while just because I'm not exposed to any women who are on the level I'm looking for. Main girl who seems into me right now is this dumb, bossy fat chick with a kid who flirts with me. I thought about going for her for a second, but then I remembered I had way better options even when I was a barely functional husk of myself. There are plenty of people who would say I should go for it but I suspect it's because they don't believe I could do better. Starting a relationship out of desperation isn't something I want. If I can, I want to do it because I'm young, hopeful and have something to give, not because I need someone with me to die.

 

[Michael Wade]

For shits and giggles I'm going to wander into some state discord servers and see how terrible an experience it is.

 

[Kel1 shi1]

fat chick with a kid

Just don't.

 

[Not A Bunny]

Why would I wait for something that others didn't have to wait for?

Because you're in a dating pool of people that are so used to instant gratification, that maybe being told to wait is the sign that you need to slow down and get to know someone.

That just reeks of fucking entitlement anyway...sex MUST be on the table immediately and on demand, but I'd better watch my step if I want to talk about my feelings?

It's like telling people you're dating because you want to get married. It's more likely to weed out the ones that are content to waste your time.

Besides, if you're viewing it as "running down a clock", you probably weren't all that interested anyway. So go find an easy lay that you probably weren't looking at for an LTR and don't waste my fucking time.

Jesus Christ. I wasn't looking for commiseration, but damn, y'all sour out here.

 

[NepNepuNep]

This is why you guys are so bitter...

 

[Kel1 shi1]

Besides, if you're viewing it as "running down a clock", you probably weren't all that interested anyway. So go find an easy lay that you probably weren't looking at for an LTR and don't waste my fucking time.

Here's the reality, in my search for an actual LTR last time I found numerous women that would give it up right away. I'm not turning down easy pussy that's put on a plate for me, however they instantly eliminated themselves from eligibility of having an LTR with me. Got laid, they became hookup quality while I looked for an LTR.

I did find a suitable candidate for an LTR and she did the "Holding the pussy ransom until she deemed me worthy" thing. Now, while she thought I was being a "good boi" and "waiting" I was still getting regular sex from my hookup gals. I'm not in a serious relationship unless I'm sleeping with a woman but there's a goldilocks zone of not being too easy and thinking I'm going to be a simp good boi waiting for reward sex. I don't live with you, you don't control what I do as someone who I'm not actually in a relationship with. I'll answer your texts, take you on dates outside of that "I'm busy right now". You play games, I'll play the game.

 

[Lemmingwiser]

Because you're in a dating pool of people that are so used to instant gratification, that maybe being told to wait is the sign that you need to slow down and get to know someone.

That just reeks of fucking entitlement anyway...sex MUST be on the table immediately and on demand, but I'd better watch my step if I want to talk about my feelings?

It's like telling people you're dating because you want to get married. It's more likely to weed out the ones that are content to waste your time.

Besides, if you're viewing it as "running down a clock", you probably weren't all that interested anyway. So go find an easy lay that you probably weren't looking at for an LTR and don't waste my fucking time.

Jesus Christ. I wasn't looking for commiseration, but damn, y'all sour out here.

I'm not telling you you can't set up standards for yourself. I'm saying it sounds like a waste of time to me. Personally. I'm giving you the feedback of how it comes across. What you do with that feedback is 100% up to you.

You're not the first nor will you be the last woman who tries to solve her dating issues by becoming more selective, demanding more and offering less.

I think the sourness you're tasting is on your end. You're angry that you're getting a negative signal. That I'm saying "I wouldn't be buying." Well who cares? Well you apparently, judging from your reaction. If it works for you, what's stopping you?

Finally I view sex on demand is as autistic as no sex for x days/dates. The reason humans do flirting, innuendos and approach the whole concept of dating with vagaries, is because mystery is an aphrodisiac. Or as the philosopher Patrice put it: "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, we don't have to have sex, but I'm not interested in we can't have sex".

My personal take on that is that it also depends on how she lived her life previously. If she's going to try and make me jump through hoops and she didn't do that before, I know she's not into me sufficiently to be worth any of the effort. But if she is a virgin or had like 1-3 partners previously, I'd be quite patient.

 

[Ibanez RG 350EX]

Besides, if you're viewing it as "running down a clock", you probably weren't all that interested anyway. So go find an easy lay that you probably weren't looking at for an LTR and don't waste my fucking time.

If it weren't about "running down a clock", you wouldn't have an explicit arbitrary time limit in the first place.

 

[Kel1 shi1]

You're not the first nor will you be the last woman who tries to solve her dating issues by becoming more selective, demanding more and offering less.

Typically I see this with career women. Where the longer they wait, the higher their standards are to justify a payoff for the length of time they didn't have a relationship. "It's not that no man wants to date me, it's that the ones that are interested don't meet my standards" which inevitably leads to cats and wine.

 

[cybertoaster]

Dating in your 30s sucks big time, don't listen to the incel cope, women are not desperate at all, in fact despite most being clearly past their primer they are waaaaaaay more picky now. If you're in your 20s with some money in the bank, a decent condo and a car that isn't a shitbox you're golden, the standards are way lower. If you don't own a house, a near-premium car and make over 3 figures by your 30s you're practically a loser on a sisyphean struggle, and odds are if you didn't have the aforementioned things in your 20s you are not gonna have the other stuff in your 30s either.

Practically all 30yo women I've met are into doing retarded shit tests which no self-respecting men of that age are willing to do anymore, except of course the very predators they think they'll filter with that crap. If you go on dating apps in a city all you get are mentally ill catladies. If you go to a small town or rural area its all broke single moms.

As for me personally I was way more interested in marriage and settling down in my 20s than I am in my 30s. Living alone rocks, you don't really get it until you've been away from your parents for a while then go back to visit and realize how much it sucked to not have your own living room, your own fridge, your own bathroom (unless you were a rich kid), etc...

Plus you're dumb and gullible as hell when you're a man in your early 20s. People like to say young women are like this but young men at that age have zero experience, they know nothing about divorce laws. Now in my 30s I've seen a lot of bad things happen to other men, many of my friends and male cousins are divorced and it wasn't nice for any of them, one buddy even had a small factory, a house and an apartment in the city. Now he's back to being a tradie living out in the sticks when he's in his mid 40s, ngmi. Meanwhile the only divorced woman I know is one who married a psycho piece of shit even tho everyone and I mean EVERYONE as in friends, family and coworkers told her it was a terrible idea. And BTW she wont even sue him for child support, she's that dumb.

Passport Bros is the future.

As a guy who been abroad the passport thing is a cope. Xenophobia is way more common abroad, the foreign women who are up for it are most of the time just looking for a greencard specially the latino and asian ones. Some LATAM countries are way more lefty than us, women there have been doing things like keeping their last name after marriage generations before it became a thing here, their divorce laws are as draconian or more than ours and they get divorced a lot.

The passport bros thing works more with foreign black women who are less picky/more desperate specially african ones. There are some really hot mulatto women in colombia and they are nice but idk if you're into marrying outside your race.

Maybe she got pissed I split the bill...

I once dated a 6/10 bossgirl (really slow week...) who reacted the same even after she spent the whole date yapping about how much money she was doing.

Just be SURE to have a prenup in place

Prenups are a cope, judges just toss them whenever they feel like.

We’ve all been there kiwi fren. Well most of us anyways.

Specially now that women are even more obese than men. And like the other guy said fatties are getting too picky, used to be a slampig was an easy lay.

I mean, if men are going to emotionally bulldoze me and pester me for sex, those might be better alternatives, no?

Girl one sent you a text and the other tried to kiss you goodbye but was probably afraid of a rape accusation, he didn't tell you to rope nor did the other one shove his hand into your panties.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

A lot of single mothers ARE delusional. Maybe not hoes, but leading with "My Brayden is my whole world and you better prove yourself BS" turns a lot of people off. A LOT of men don't want to be raising some loser/felon/deadbeat's kid and I'll be honest, a LOT of single Mom's I've seen are fat and dumpy looking.

It's kinda crazy watching the nuances of single-parent dating from the outside looking in. Using a family member as an example, he was a single parent, who married another single parent. Or rather widow. That's how I found out that a handful of women don't want to raise some other woman's kid either.

The family member doesn't mind raising another man's daughter. Maybe it's easier because the father is dead and the daughter was an infant then and has no idea her father is a stepfather.

On the other hand, wife does not like family member's son from another relationship and it's hard to watch because son's mom is exactly the type of delusional, histrionic single mom you're talking about and it drains the life out of son and her two other kids. With two different men. Fuck me.

You see, you guys say that all the time, but I got kicked in the face by boys for trying to talk about video games when I was a little kid. Maybe the people saying this also got head injuries from bullying over video games, but it reads as pretty mixed up signals to me.

On the flipside, there's a chance you become one of the boys and not really viewed as a woman anymore. I've found myself in that position...pretty much always but gotta be real, I don't mind. Probably because I am at the very far end of tomboy-ism.

I guess so. I just get really into things, wasn't sure if that's considered "obsessive" or not, but apparently girls don't seem to like that trait about me. Oh well, not my problem.

I don't think it's as obsessive as it is considered "niche" and therefore "weird". Some people are going to be really weird about you having other hobbies than "hanging out with friends" or "gave fun" or whatever. I say it's a them-problem.

As for the chick who slept around on her bedridden partner: WHATTHAFUCK?!?

What a whore! It’s not like they’re in their 60ies and he has incurable cancer or something

No, they were in their 20s. They still are AFAIK.

The thing is though, people who have been partners for a long time, are usually together for a reason. Even if the spark or sex is gone.

They may have kids together, their lives are intertwined. And most of the time, they make a really good team.

Which is true. Although my example was more geared to the relationships where they stay together because of the kids but shit doesn't work and coexistence is an endurance test.

It's kinda like a terrible relationship that people try to fix by having kids...which does not work and only hurts those kids anyway.

The guy (or the girl) may look for intimacy without wanting to lose what they have.

Fuck, that’s why the guy usually stays with his wife and why affairs partners are often dumped.

There are more important things in life than sex.

Naturally and I agree with this to an extent. I still don't think it's right to seek intimacy, emotional or physical, from someone other than your spouse. On a scale of values, I kinda consider committed relationships a full dedicated pledge where there's no room for anyone else all of a sudden.

Maybe it's just me being naive and delulu.

I do recall reading somewhere that as we get older, we stop caring about sexual needs or our libido decreases and that's probably true for a lot of long-lasting marriages or relationships for older individuals but there should be a degree of trust still.

Side pieces ruin that regardless if it's sexual or emotional.

Trust is just the main issue I think. I approached It as a friendship first and a relationship second. Don't know if that's common sense or not.

I think that's a fair approach. Probably not common anymore though. I wouldn't be comfortable with anything else either.

Absent fathers, absent mothers, single parents. And of course a media that teaches all the wrong lessons.

I'd argue that lackluster sex ed and lack of focus on the emotional/mental part of relationships is also a factor.

One could argue parents should be able to educate on the latter and I wouldn't mind that either but some don't and the effect is apparent.

Honestly, it scares me sometimes how naive some people can be. Had someone tell me that he thought a labia was another word for fucking roast beef. I fucking wish I was joking.

 

[Michael Wade]

Alright so there's actually a few discords that seem to have people next to me. Unfortunately due to the prevalence of sex robots they need a driver's ID and face pic to confirm I'm real.

Thinking about biting the bullet. It's separate from my main account of course

 

[Ibanez RG 350EX]

I do recall reading somewhere that as we get older, we stop caring about sexual needs or our libido decreases

I'm still in my mid 30s and know for a fact my sex drive has already dropped off significantly.

Don't get me wrong - it'd still be nice to get laid, but it's not nearly the overriding, all-consuming urge that it once was. Horniness is no longer so powerful that it makes me into a drooling imbecile.

 

[Ultrapenguin]

Dating in your 30s sucks big time, don't listen to the incel cope, women are not desperate at all, in fact despite most being clearly past their primer they are waaaaaaay more picky now. If you're in your 20s with some money in the bank, a decent condo and a car that isn't a shitbox you're golden, the standards are way lower. If you don't own a house, a near-premium car and make over 3 figures by your 30s you're practically a loser on a sisyphean struggle, and odds are if you didn't have the aforementioned things in your 20s you are not gonna have the other stuff in your 30s either.

Idk homie.
In fact I was just coming down here to mass debates to post some stuff about Japanese host clubs in the woman hate thread (I might still, even though it's not really about dishing on women), which is obviously not Western so the dynamics are a little different, but these are increasingly single girls in their 20s, and wealthier slightly older women, going broke just to have a guy pay attention to them and act like their boyfriend.
Not only aren't these girls materially gaining, they're actually paying other people for companionship.

Also, if these guys in their 20s are the ones who have it made in terms of dating, how is it that males in their 20s are single at almost twice the rate of women in the same age range? They've got to be dating someone.

I don't buy the blackpill, there are plenty of single women who are willing to tolerate a remarkable amount of nonsense so long as someone is able to meet their emotional needs.
The modern channels that people use to meet each other through suck and tend to promote cynicism, but that's a logistical issue, not a value issue.

I suspect that a lot of men are themselves fixated on insecurity about their age/income/whatever, which causes the whole thing to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[FILTH Tourist]

Genuine autism. I'm in my late 20s and still just as clueless about dating as I was in high school. Which sucks because I found a great girl: homebody, weeb, Asian, game dev, low maintance, aka the perfect woman. We had a casual date at the mall that went well and I think I talked her into watching RoboCop at my place but still haven't solidified the date yet. We last talked Sunday, I left her alone Monday and I think I will text her Tuesday evening and make the plans. Any and all advice would be helpful.

 

[Ibanez RG 350EX]

Any and all advice would be helpful.

Seeing as you're a genuine autist and she's a "homebody, weeb, Asian, game dev, low maintance", the most critical piece of advice I'd give would be to make sure it's not a troon.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

If this was the 1940s or whatever we could still make this shit work

If she has the problems she does, how would being 80 years ago make the relationship sustainable to you?

I empathize with your mixed feelings about ending it with her, but in my experience a drowning person can drown you, too.

You sound like you've resolved this in your mind. And it's going to suck to do it, because you appear to care for her deeply, but breaking it off is probably not going to get easier on either one of you as more time continues to pass. I'll give you the same unasked-for advice as I'd give a woman saying the same things - make your plans (for example, if you're living together, make your plans either to move or to set boundaries on when she needs to move by; if you share any accounts or obligations, start setting yourself up with new ones, etc.) and go. It sounds a little cold to make undisclosed practical plans when the other person doesn't know it's coming, but the neater the separation, the better for everyone...which goes to the next point, which is, if you do it, make sure your mind is made up. Break up/make up just prolongs the drama - and based on your description of her overall emotional and functional state, and depending on your dynamic, there's the potential for drama, maybe pleas or promises or attempts to negotiate. And if, as you noted, you may be a little apprehensive yourself about heading out into the wilderness alone, you may also be sad/ lonely/ hurt after breaking it off (as well as feel bad hurting her)...and that can make it tempting to reconcile or "take it back," but doing that because you're suddenly unattached and uncomfortable, or just feel guilty or sorry for the other person, doesn't usually work out well. Exceptions abound, but, yeah, if and once you know, it's better for all to make an exit that is as smooth and clean as possible.

Got laid, they became hookup quality while I looked for an LTR.

I did find a suitable candidate for an LTR and she did the "Holding the pussy ransom until she deemed me worthy" thing. Now, while she thought I was being a "good boi" and "waiting" I was still getting regular sex from my hookup gals. I'm not in a serious relationship unless I'm sleeping with a woman

What will the woman who wants a relationship with you need to do to be acceptable?

Genuine autism. I'm in my late 20s and still just as clueless about dating as I was in high school. Which sucks because I found a great girl: homebody, weeb, Asian, game dev, low maintance, aka the perfect woman. We had a casual date at the mall that went well and I think I talked her into watching RoboCop at my place but still haven't solidified the date yet. We last talked Sunday, I left her alone Monday and I think I will text her Tuesday evening and make the plans. Any and all advice would be helpful.

If you have manners and are earnest, honest, reasonable and genuine (but measured/don't be a nut), you will have nothing to regret or be ashamed of, regardless of what happens.

And a date at home watching a movie is a perfectly fine way to spend time/get to know someone - and if that's what you do, it's nice to put in a little effort - take a little time to make your place nice, prepare some good snacks (or plentiful - and even if it's chips and m&ms, put them in bowls :-)) , etc. Dating is both putting your best foot forward and also trying to make a person you're interested in feel appreciated and comfortable. That's not dazzling them with fake stuff - or meting out effort like an accountant. It's not a tally or an equation, done well, and being a good host doesn't mean you're being taken advantage of or should wait for equal and opposite reaction. Be a good host (at home or out), and don't keep a mental spreadsheet.

...and pay attention to her responses and her interests. And if she's hedgy about coming over, that might not mean she's not interested in getting to know you, but that she's more comfortable spending time elsewhere without knowing you well, so maybe think of alternative things just in case (you could get together on a weekend afternoon somewhere outdoors (just an example)).

I hope the date works out and you both have a great time!