No, it's not just because of pussy, I really wanna improve myself and gain better self-esteem but I don't know how.
You will always feel like this. The world's a stage and your life involves more acting than you have been let on to. It is not a case of making yourself blind to the anxiety and doubts you have- having them shows you have far more self awareness than the average person- it is about feeling them, accepting them as an aspect of yourself, and dealing with it when the time comes. You do not deserve to live as a worm, nobody does, but you must find the willpower to prevent yourself from living in apathy.
It took me years to stop caring too much for what I was thinking. I became more honest because I stopped allowing the world around me and the feelings inside me dictate my wants. I began enjoying the holes between my certainties and the mysteries of the present, of the wonders of not knowing, of not assuming too much. I admitted to myself that I was often wrong when overthinking. I learned that not every man was out to hate me, not every women out to love me, but some were and I had to find out who. My gut was reliable, but my mind was temperamental. It loved to wander and the people I knew had a grotesque second life within it.
I also thought about joining the army, thinking it would fix my problems. There was a superficial appeal because it felt like an escape from my own thoughts. Rather than having to deal with situations on my own, I could be ordered about and be forced into a routine. There is, admittedly, some charm to that still.
Eventually. I realised that it was an immature desire. I would hate the army. I would still be myself, except I would wake up earlier. But I would still be me. There was no escaping my thoughts, just supressing it for a few years.
It was my negative perception, I realised, that was driving me to escape myself. I refused to grow from my cynicism, which made me right half of the time without needing to dwell too hard on the finer details.
The world to me, at the time, seemed cruel, harsh, brutal, but what was the world without me to say it was cruel, harsh, and brutal? We decide our perception of the world. It is not just the case of lifting weights or finding hobbies- both excellent ideas- but making that first step of saying of "Yes. I exist. The world is a mess, has been hard to me, but occasionally I have had pleasures. I have faults, could do better, but whatever, I am alive and some time will be dead. If not me then who else?"
Our emotions are fickle. Many of them are not our own and have more to do with our external circumstances and upbringings. To think in words is to be member of a way of thinking, not to know thyself completely. Words are how we attempt to explain our feelings and drives but our definitions and understandings are often skewered and faulty. Technical phrasing is abused and used to explain the lightest change in our dispositions. Scenes and lines from films and television become reference points for understanding real situations. The lowest forms of art often play the biggest roles in deciding how we understand ourselves. If we all grew up without pop songs, some of us would never think about love. The mind is dressed in a garb of superficiality and wild, if not also beautiful, imaginings.
Anxiety is similar. Kafka, the greatest exponent of anxiety, has his characters seem as though they were predetermined to have the situations they end up in just because it is how they felt it would turn out as (I think this is the message of 'Before The Law' parable in
The Trial). It is as though Josef K. willed his situation into being. The world became a nightmare because K. thought the world was a nightmare to begin with. It is the ego torturing itself.
We should overcome these feelings of fated despair, to be optimistic and realistic. Superstitious thinking thrives when traditional religions die. That is because people need answers to issues beyond them and they often rely on the superficial and easy to grasp, rather than say a complex theology that takes years to understand. There is a huge difference between common sense and the easy answers.
In dating you will receive more no's than yeses. So it is. But that is fine. At one point you may even learn to love bluntly asking women out. Some women love it if you do. Some women beg you to ask them, they're pining that you ask them out straight out. You may not even realise what woman does want you to so why not shoot your shot? 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained', 'seize the day', and
shy bairns get nowt, are all three sayings I grew up with. They exist and have become cliché because they are sound advice.
People long to be someone else, the Superman or the ideal comrade. It is like desiring to live as a statue, rigid, perfectly still. Statues, after all, never sweat. They never doubt, they never fear. But, so too, they never laugh, nor do they love. We are men, fleshy as we are flimsy. We must dance with all our emotions, good and bad. Even a negative feeling can bring out some good. Our mistakes shape and build our character. The shame you might feel at failing at seizing the moment one day may drive you to capture another the next. Your future is not fixed. It could be taken from you tomorrow. Better to live with that fear as to appreciate the life we have been given. Better to live than not at all.
It is about respecting yourself, no matter where you are, taking care of your own needs, building on yourself. Forget us, forget this thread, forget this site, forget every dipshit you have ever met. You are the only person that matters. You are the only person that cares about if you fall. I have faith in you and I assume a few here do as well. If you ever face rejection, ever face a failure, laugh at its stupid fucking face. Laughter is the most human thing we can do.
And also
@Bungdit Din: that you can think you are somehow a covert narcissist, shows you have already overcome it. It is beneath you. You are already growing away from it. The real narcissist would not be so open, so comfortably self-aware. He would be trapped.
