How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Betonhaus]

wet and phlemy cough. too much visiting with parents bringing their germ factories.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

I worked through NYE so I didn't really get the usual emotional vibes of "another year of not having gotten a better job" which was nice. I promised myself I'd actively look for a new job in january. so now I'm stressing over that instead. Would a new job fix any of my issues? Hell no, but at least it'd not physically wear at me, and I hear it only gets more and more difficult to land an office gig the longer you're not in one, so that's fun.

I want something to put effort into and actually learn in terms of video games, but whenever I get inspired for something, I see people who've been at it for ages talk about it and it sounds miserable. WoW, fighting games, PvP shooters, anything. I'd like to be some terminally offline city builder type but I just lack the creativity for it, and I know it's a skill to learn and that's the entire purpose, but ugh. Need to be around people that promote that vibe, and all I got is battlefielders and "whatevers trendy" helldivers.

The distinction that I am still grappling with, however, is that this calmness is not serenity. It's exhaustion. Physical, mental, and emotional. Maybe I'll cope better with another year under my belt.

I've been trying to minimize the shit I have in my life and my doomscrolling habits, and while it worked out for a while, I've relapsed a lot. Majorly due to the realization that it's just impossible. I can stop paying for streaming services and stop using shit like Twitch, but I'll still be subject to radio ads and friends talking about dogshit like our news translating some slop article about a tiger in florida. I feel so physically annoyed sometimes that I just close everything on my PC and stare at the wall. Ads everywhere. Porn everywhere. Grifting everywhere. I'll walk to work, rawdogging with no music or phone, and still just feel weighed down. I have healthy online habits; KF is basically the only site I actively use.

 

[Clitonium]

I was talking with a girl. I thought we had some chemistry amongst many other things.

Instead she made me feel like a slab of meat. I remember her once telling me how she has people making her feel worthless, funny that she would say such a thing.

Really made me depressed, misanthropic, frustrated, and overall a more vile and poisonous person.

Been sleeping a lot lately despite pumping myself full of caffeine. Apparently depression is just the greater force.

Some advice would be much appreciated.

I turned 21, 5 days ago and had my first drink, a White Russian. Pretty good. I'd like to try some Mead, Absinthe (with wormwood), and a Margherita in the future.

Side Note: but I remember an early conversation I had with this gal. I said that I'm a contrasting person but I tend to be a kind caring person, I want people to be kind to me. So why don't I just treat them how I want to be treated? She replied simply with "People'll just walk all over you." Maybe I should've listened to her.

 

[Polystyrene Glioblastoma]

@Clitonium, Some people just do not have pure intentions, misleaders and users. We learn this lesson the hard way most of the time. Eventually you see signs of who to watch out for that you otherwise wouldn't before.

Do not underestimate yourself. You are young, but starting to become established at the same time, and still so full of potential.

I've been done dirty in relationships before. It makes you feel a heavy pit in your stomach, an angry itch in your brain, hyperventilating. Throws your whole system out of wack.

Your mind just has to reach consensus. Don't beat yourself up too hard for how rough you're being. It is a process. Some days you'll have aftershocks but they get easier to deal with. Be kind to yourself, for yourself is who has your back.

Mead and Margaritas are nice. I highly recommend Screwball Peanut Butter Whisky if you venture into whisky. The alcohol Monster drinks are tasty as well.

 

[Clitonium]

@Clitonium, Some people just do not have pure intentions, misleaders and users. We learn this lesson the hard way most of the time. Eventually you see signs of who to watch out for that you otherwise wouldn't before.

Do not underestimate yourself. You are young, but starting to become established at the same time, and still so full of potential.

I've been done dirty in relationships before. It makes you feel a heavy pit in your stomach, an angry itch in your brain, hyperventilating. Throws your whole system out of wack.

Your mind just has to reach consensus. Don't beat yourself up too hard for how rough you're being. It is a process. Some days you'll have aftershocks but they get easier to deal with. Be kind to yourself, for yourself is who has your back.

Mead and Margaritas are nice. I highly recommend Screwball Peanut Butter Whisky if you venture into whisky. The alcohol Monster drinks are tasty as well.

Thanks broskie for the advice.

I don't know I just thought their was a sliver. She is basically me but a woman. I remember the first time I ever I talked to her she spilled guts something awful. She spoke about all kinds of extremely personal stuff and it was the first time we ever spoke. I thought we had some kinda chemistry, hell she even gave me her social media stuff and we talked off and on for social media before she just suddenly stopped for reasons.

I understand she has shit she's dealing with and I fully offered to aid in that regard.

I dunno maybe I'm off my rocker as I haven't been in a relationship for 12-15 years (I've lost count).

 

[Electric Mortar & Pestle]

Thanks broskie for the advice.

I don't know I just thought their was a sliver. She is basically me but a woman. I remember the first time I ever I talked to her she spilled guts something awful. She spoke about all kinds of extremely personal stuff and it was the first time we ever spoke. I thought we had some kinda chemistry, hell she even gave me her social media stuff and we talked off and on for social media before she just suddenly stopped for reasons.

I understand she has shit she's dealing with and I fully offered to aid in that regard.

I dunno maybe I'm off my rocker as I haven't been in a relationship for 12-15 years (I've lost count).

As someone who struggles with the hooch, tread carefully.

It might make you feel better now. Shit, that feeling might continue for another decade. But it makes you a slave. Enjoy a drink every now and then... don't let it be the salve for the hole in your heart. It just makes it bleed.

 

[Clitonium]

As someone who struggles with the hooch, tread carefully.

It might make you feel better now. Shit, that feeling might continue for another decade. But it makes you a slave. Enjoy a drink every now and then... don't let it be the salve for the hole in your heart. It just makes it bleed.

True. A portion of me feels as though I was just a slab of meat and the other half is concerned that she killed herself. As the first time I spoke with her she made it very obvious she struggles in regards to this and general depression.

Just like me. I don't intend to be enslaved and shackled to her.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

I think I understand a source of my misery. It's envy. I am envious of people with "normal" lives and it is making me a depressed resentful cunt. I hope I can get this shit out of my soul because it is killing me.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Wow... it's... really the halfway point of the decade. Jesus. Where did the time go?

Hung out with my friend the last two days. Watched The Apartment last night to cap the new year. One of the best movies ever made. This might be the first Christmas in years I've actively tried to celebrate.

Work is still stressful. Still being treated like shit. They cut everyone's hours again even though this has been the busiest time of the year. I'm wondering if I should really fight to go back to having overtime or just use this as a chance to invest in myself, hit the gym and just enjoy life.

It gets hard to hold your head up. I'm not trying to pull some "born in the wrong generation" or blame the jews for all my problems. But it's hard to blame anyone for being kind of jaded and miserable right now. I remember film, music, the internet and people in general having a life that's completely sucked out by now. Some of it's because we're being lorded over by billionaires but I still blame every individual person for letting this happen. Covid was... 4 years ago. Jesus. If we were hated this world that was being built for us, we've had every opportunity to reject it. The elections seem like they were a nice change for people but we'll see where it goes. I know you should stay optimistic and not less the macro levels bother you so much, but the world really has been plastic and dull for a while now. Trying to work your way through the new world is really difficult when there's not much you want to actively invest in it.

I wish I wasn't passively suicidal. I try to fight it. I just feel this overwhelming shame feeling behind in life. I've had a lot of support from people like Dorothy, Fek and a lot of others on here. But this whole "Bro, if you don't have your shit together by the time you're 25 you should totes like just fucking kill yourself" kind of weighs me down a lot.

I think I understand a source of my misery. It's envy. I am envious of people with "normal" lives and it is making me a depressed resentful cunt. I hope I can get this shit out of my soul because it is killing me.

For what it's worth, reading your posts recently, I very much feel for you and your struggles and can relate.
I think the issue is you want to join in the fun because biologically you're almost supposed to. But you also either aren't allowed, or don't like the people you want to be in the company of. I really feel this.
I see people engaging with eachother in a way I'll never really be able to, not for lack of trying. I know the conversations most the time are extremely surface level and if I know them well enough I can see the hypocrisy and emptiness on display. But still there's this inherent want to just belong to something. To have a group you feel welcomed in. The problem is when you know you're not a complete sperg but there's just something off about you that puts people at a distance.
My heart goes out to you. I think maybe just going to a place consistently can help a lot. Whether it's a gym, a bar, a type of store, the park. Anything. There will be people who will start off talking to you. 99% aren't going to be people you want as a friends but it will help you get out and socialize more.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

It sucks that whenever I go anywhere without my partner I seem to encounter someone severely mentally ill. Asking for money, general heckling, staring, ect. I don't mind a friendly chat (I welcome it!) but I'm getting straight up crazy people intimidating me.

For example, I go to the grocery store by myself ... a crazy poc comes up to me and my kiddo asking for a sandwich after screaming that the 'goVERNMENT IS SHIT'.. I walked away from him without saying anything -- when I vent about this to anyone outside of my family I'm told I'm being dramatic and/or racist.

Feels bad man

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

For what it's worth, reading your posts recently, I very much feel for you and your struggles and can relate.
I think the issue is you want to join in the fun because biologically you're almost supposed to. But you also either aren't allowed, or don't like the people you want to be in the company of. I really feel this.
I see people engaging with eachother in a way I'll never really be able to, not for lack of trying. I know the conversations most the time are extremely surface level and if I know them well enough I can see the hypocrisy and emptiness on display. But still there's this inherent want to just belong to something. To have a group you feel welcomed in. The problem is when you know you're not a complete sperg but there's just something off about you that puts people at a distance.
My heart goes out to you. I think maybe just going to a place consistently can help a lot. Whether it's a gym, a bar, a type of store, the park. Anything. There will be people who will start off talking to you. 99% aren't going to be people you want as a friends but it will help you get out and socialize more.

You've put it into words very very effectively. I just want to know what exactly I am doing wrong to set people off. Maybe I can fix it, maybe I cannot. It's just the lack of input from people around me (very few that there is.) I am always blunt and fair to people when they're making a mistake and I just wish people could extend that to me as well.

It's funny because I've associated my anxiety with other people when deep down, it's been me constantly afraid of *myself* fucking up and saying the wrong thing or coming across as an asshole.
Seeing people getting married off at my age and me not so much as even being hugged really fucks with your head. I won't go off about it but I've been through awful shit in my childhood so you can also guess why it's fucking with my head.

Maybe I should try college again, but at the same time I want to at least get a little more "stable" before I enter back into the meat grinder.

People take social abilities for granted and it hurts to be reminded of that constantly.

I hope this year is a little better than the last one at the very least. Any improvement is good improvement.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

Thanks broskie for the advice.

I don't know I just thought their was a sliver. She is basically me but a woman. I remember the first time I ever I talked to her she spilled guts something awful. She spoke about all kinds of extremely personal stuff and it was the first time we ever spoke. I thought we had some kinda chemistry, hell she even gave me her social media stuff and we talked off and on for social media before she just suddenly stopped for reasons.

I understand she has shit she's dealing with and I fully offered to aid in that regard.

I dunno maybe I'm off my rocker as I haven't been in a relationship for 12-15 years (I've lost count).

As a woman and a part time dyke, be careful of the info dumpers. I've felt that 'chemistry' from the info/trauma dumpers and it's always shockingly shallow. They ALWAYS ghost you because they got what they needed by using you for their catharsis fix.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

You've put it into words very very effectively. I just want to know what exactly I am doing wrong to set people off. Maybe I can fix it, maybe I cannot. It's just the lack of input from people around me (very few that there is.) I am always blunt and fair to people when they're making a mistake and I just wish people could extend that to me as well.

Hi, me.
Well that right there is your point. You're bult and fair.
Most people aren't.
I'm in an environment where the place I work for is currently in hell because everyone in management is a dance-around the issue, passive, weakwilled, peaked-in-highschool motherfucker. People nowadays, especially in certain regions and countries, are experts at being coy and non-assertive. It's frankly exhausting to deal with. That doesn't mean being some "I calls it as I sees it" real ass nigga who veils sociopathy behind honesty is good either. But yeah, asking for blunt honesty from the modern western civilian is a rough task.

Maybe you're overthinking it. I feel like people who live with certain types of trauma usually get into a negative feedback loop.
You get abused, which makes you think there's something wrong with you. This makes you self-conscious, which is more offputting to people than you would think it would be. People treat you differently because they can detect this overt awareness, which makes you come across as more autistic sometimes than if you started talking about wanting to fuck Sonic openly. This seeming rejection compounds issues of self-esteem, so you come on sites like this. Sites/parts of the internet that are more ""real"" and brutally honest, but in all honesty sometimes is just toxic misanthropy that you'll internalize even more. It's all this really depressing spiral.
So maybe for one day, even if it's the hardest thing to do. Try not to internalize everyone's treatment of you. Negative. Positive. Accept a compliment, but don't base your entire worth on it. If someone's a dick, don't spend the day wondering why they were. They might have a point. Might not. But you need to get out of your head.
I say that as if it's not the most difficult thing in the world to do.

Seeing people getting married off at my age and me not so much as even being hugged really fucks with your head. I won't go off about it but I've been through awful shit in my childhood so you can also guess why it's fucking with my head.

Yeah, true. But the overwhelming majority of said people are probably just as miserable as you for other reasons. The overwhelming majority of people I see in relationships around me have either been cheated on or are barely keeping the marriage together. My friend frequently told me last year how he's basically accepted that him and his wife of two years will get a divorce eventually because she wants him to be a high earner. Not saying you can't feel bad about being a wizard but I feel like the problem is everyone looks at the benchmarks of what polite society is and agree to them without ever really thinking if it's what's best for them at the time.

Maybe I should try college again, but at the same time I want to at least get a little more "stable" before I enter back into the meat grinder.

Nah, you need college man. Even if it's for some bullshit degree you'll never use. The sigma surrogate father figures lied to you. Jumping from job to job in your adult life is a horrible way to make friends. Don't be me. Don't put off college forever because you feel like you can just wing it. You don't gotta jump right in to uni. Try community college. Or any sort of education in something you're interested in.

People take social abilities for granted and it hurts to be reminded of that constantly.

You might just be surrounded by dicks. Just leave. Find a place with "your people". That place might not even be the place you imagine it to be. Just try moving somewhere else. Try just visiting someplace out of your comfort zone. I always make better talk with people in a city, even if it's the type of liberal shithole I like to make fun of. Buy a shirt of something you like and walk around, and see if someone starts a conversation with you. I just wear Citypop shirts and am able to have nice conversations with people because if they know, they know.

I hope things can work out for you, man.

EDIT: Just wanted to add one more thing. Life isn't a meritocracy. You're not unworthy of love just because you're a little different. The biggest womanizer at my job ended up being a literal pedophile. People have shit tastes sometimes. You don't need to be built like a god or be a master speaker to get friends. Just take small steps to help yourself. Even if those steps are removing people in your life who are keeping you in your mindset.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

As a woman and a part time dyke, be careful of the info dumpers. I've felt that 'chemistry' from the info/trauma dumpers and it's always shockingly shallow. They ALWAYS ghost you because they got what they needed by using you for their catharsis fix.

In retrospect as someone who's drawn to BPD hoes like moth to a flame, there is a sweet spot where if you're straight up about not wanting to hear that shit and you're there for completely selfish reasons, it can work. But yeah, if you indulge that shit for long at all, you're officially just the registered faggot.

 

[Clitonium]

As a woman and a part time dyke, be careful of the info dumpers. I've felt that 'chemistry' from the info/trauma dumpers and it's always shockingly shallow. They ALWAYS ghost you because they got what they needed by using you for their catharsis fix.

Well shit. Guess I'm checking out broskies.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

 

[Lukie]

I think I understand a source of my misery. It's envy. I am envious of people with "normal" lives and it is making me a depressed resentful cunt. I hope I can get this shit out of my soul because it is killing me.

I went through a patch where I was single for a few years after a messy break up and started to feel the envy and down right resentment.

You know what worked for me? Is finding it inside yourself to he happy for them. That they are doing okay, found fortune in relationships and are stable in such an awful world - these are good things and we should be happy for others!

Seriously it completely turned my outlook on it's head and gave me a much healthier disposition.

Dig deep my friend!

 

[Lukie]

In retrospect as someone who's drawn to BPD hoes like moth to a flame

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Well, my first present in 2025 was the news of me working alone instead with a coworker for the next two(JUST TWO, I HOPE) days and on the first day of this shit I injured my arm. Nothing too serious, but it hurts to lift heavy things or holding something tightly which is kinda vital for my current job, so this sucks. Hope there is no more presents like this one, at least till Monday.

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

but I still blame every individual person for letting this happen

But it's hard to blame anyone for being kind of jaded and miserable right now.

You ain't gonna blame people for being isolated, miserable, powerless and dependent as they are right now and as they actually were at pre-COVID times.
You ought to blame yourself for having been engaged in media provided meta political bullshit and opposing yourself to people thus unwillingly and undeservingly ostracizing yourself from others.

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

Well, my first present in 2025 was the news of me working alone instead with a coworker for the next two(JUST TWO, I HOPE) days and on the first day of this shit I injured my arm. Nothing too serious, but it hurts to lift heavy things or holding something tightly which is kinda vital for my current job, so this sucks. Hope there is no more presents like this one, at least till Monday.

What kind of a job is that and why is the absence of your coworker so notable to you? Is the work hard without him or is it just loneliness?