How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

You too, man. Whatever's been going on in your life, I hope it gets better. I've noticed you post some hectic things :feels:
I'm not joking when I say that feeling bad is better than feeling nothing. The ability to feel at all is better than feeling nothing.
Why do warthogs look like this
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Like how does this facial structure benefit them.
Because they're awesome.
 
I'm not joking when I say that feeling bad is better than feeling nothing. The ability to feel at all is better than feeling nothing.
That's a good way to look at it I think. At least you're still alive, sad and alive is better than dead and nothing.
Because they're awesome.
It's the bumps under the eyes that intrigue me. Sometimes it's like animals look weird just to look weird, like
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Just deflated balloon on face. For literally no reason. I love it.
 
For some reason I have a very difficult time with taking my medication consistently. It's not mental health medication so don't worry about me going on a crazy killer rampage or anything, but it still sucks and it's obviously harmful for my health.
I even have that little box with the compartments for the week. But once the week ends I don't fill it back up, which is so fucking dumb because it would only take me a minute.
I honestly don't know how to fix this ridiculous habit. Is this relatable to any of you or am I just that much of a lazy fuck?
It's very relatable for me. I used to refuse prepping my meds for the week because "I'm not some old lady who forgets her medication," well guess what, I forgot my medication. I also got switched up in which meds I was taking at the time, which didn't help with me remembering what dosage I was on etc.
I'm still pretty lazy about it but I've mentally made it one of the last things I do on sunday, or the first thing I do on monday. Sit down, put pills in their boxes and then either go to bed, or take my first round of pills for the day. It certainly helps that not taking my medicine regularly makes me feel physically ill, like I have a cold and my head is spinning.
Never in my life gotten baby fever, but absolutely get puppy fever. It's the clawing need that I need to hold a puppy now now now, or I will perish. They smell so good to me, too, the way babies are apparently supposed to smell good to people. Like you I connect with dogs a lot easier than humans. They provoke that "this thing is small and needs to be kept safe at all costs" part of my brain.
I remember the first time I held my oldest niece when she was a wee baby and I didn't feel any of the "usual" things women are """supposed""" to feel when in close contact with a child. No lie, I felt kind of broken. I was happy, and I love both of my nieces, but the whole "I need to have children of my own" never really clicked.
But puppies and kittens, and baby animals in general? I'm cooing and ooh'ing and aww'ing. The weird sour puppy smell is the best, when they smell like the birthing box and their siblings. The weird floppy, awkward way a larger puppy moves around also triggers something in me.
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Tuesday starting better than I thought. Slept like ass and I'm not sure how much sleep I actually got. Morning routine done, just eating some strawberries as of posting. Accidentally scared the neighbours void cat because he was in my garden and I tried to show my dog he had left, and she spooked him. He's fine, I just feel like a cunt.
I need new hobbies that stick but damn is it difficult to do anything when anhedonia continues to kick my ass. At least Animal Crossing New Leaf is capturing some of my attention.
 
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I'm trying to get an appointment to see someone about what I suspect to be carpal tunnel. I'm not able to enjoy my hobbies anymore, like drawing. Writing and typing is much more difficult for me now too. I know that sounds a bit pathetic to be depressed over, but I feel miserable being unable to improve my art skills. They've deteriorated over the past year as the pain in my dominant hand and wrist has gotten worse. The only thing that helped me push past the pain even a little has been alcohol, but it's not a good solution in the long term (Or short term for that matter) and it only helps with the pain mentally, it doesn't give me back my dexterity. I've been worried that when I do see a doctor, that I won't be taken seriously about it or that they'll think I am trying to get attention or something stupid like that. Wait times take forever here in Canada, so I don't know when I'll get an appointment, and sometimes it can take multiple different appointments to get any diagnosis depending on the situation.
A year or two ago, I had some wrist issues on my left hand. I'm not an artist, but a coder, and the way I retardedly position my hands when typing, I tend to rest part of my left wrist on the table at a weird angle and over time it lead to something going wrong there. Luckily, in my case it wasn't severe and I managed to fix it through various forearm/wrist exercises.

If you haven't tried this already and you're stuck waiting for a doc appointment anyway, try looking into wrist/forearm exercises. I lost my bookmarks but I'm sure there are plenty of good examples of exercises you can try for rehabbing and strengthening your wrists. Sometimes it can really work.

Edit:
First, the static hold stretches.
The other thing that helped me be free of any wrist pain, was trying out some exercises for strengthening the forearm that some pro armwrestler guy did. They were basically using an elastic band with a weight hanging on it and doing various kinds of wrist pronation and supination exercises and stuff. Obviously I was doing it with a much lower weight than that guy, but I think it had a significant benefit.
I hope it doesn't seem like I'm shitposting with this one. I mean, I know the guy has unreal forearms by any normal standards. I really do think doing stuff to strengthen your forearms helps with preventing injury.
 
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I needed to go to the bathroom today. In my head, for some reason I thought 'Man, I really need to go rip nuggies.' I am unsure why I decided to refer to taking a shit as 'ripping nuggies.' I was however able to stop myself from blurting this out during the company meeting and instead said 'excuse me.'

Somehow this feels like a decent summation of my week and I can't explain why.
 
I finally got fired on Friday. Between this, my personal life collapsing, and the general state of the world and the future of all of these things, I've decided that I'm just going to shoot myself in the head. I may have to rule out trying this at a gun range unfortunately. Regardless the mission remains the same.
You know I really went through it before and the thing that help me the most is to stop watching news or thinking about my faraway future.

My life has no prospect because I'm a schizophrenic retard. Many people also have no prospect in life and it's not a bad thing society propaganda have you think it is. We can't all be winners, statistically for anyone that win in life there's 9 other guys doomed to stock shelves. But why feel bad about your lot in life being that when there's nothing you can do? I'm not saying just be happy, but sometimes giving up bring you inner peace and shit
 
I get what you mean, and I get why it's hard to see it from my perspective. With as much as I can say without sounding like a fag, what my mom did to me genuinely has ruined me.
You shouldn't talk about yourself like this. I'll try to give an example from my own life without powerleveling too much.

For a long time, I believed that it was too late and I would be broken for life and there was no point in trying to recover because there is a point of no return after which you're fucked. I saw people with the same trauma repeatedly trying to kill themselves or overdosing and I assumed that would just be my fate.

Once I stopped believing that I was ruined/broken is when I started to recover. Today I live a normal(ish) life and I'm somewhat happy. I still have chronic nightmares, startle at every loud noise, will most likely never be able to be in a relationship and have the personality of an angry old man but I'm happy.

There's no trauma you can't get over with time and effort.
 
Once I stopped believing that I was ruined/broken is when I started to recover. Today I live a normal(ish) life and I'm somewhat happy. I still have chronic nightmares, startle at every loud noise, will most likely never be able to be in a relationship and have the personality of an angry old man but I'm happy.
This is what I'm talking about.

As I said earlier up iirc, I don't believe I'm broken. I'm still alive, I haven't done some horrible crime, obviously there's hope for me to live a normal life.

But what my mom did to me does have some permanent consequences, not enough to justify killing myself, but enough to where I have to live a more careful life. And I feel that includes a very cautious attitude towards having children.

ETA:
I hate hate hate hate everything changing, man. Just friend stuff (Same white friend I mentioned earlier hahaa :P Now that I think about it, I think she'd be weirded out and worried by me calling her "my white friend" in self-flagellating reverence so I'm just gonna call her "Friend" from here on out).

I'm trying to see if I'm being selfish here, I feel like I am, but I also don't feel like I am. Everythings just changing, maybe I'm stuck in the past, but everything's moving too fast for me. First a boyfriend, then a parental divorce, then she moves because of said parental divorce, and she's just been so different since college. So much more tired and anxious and it breaks my heart to see, man. And ya, I'm tired and anxious too, but I've always been tired and anxious, it's so surreal to see someone I knew as autistic and awkward and rambley just turn into this work-focused, tired and nauseous all the time, university student. I think I'm under this idea that I never changed since middle school, at least outwardly. Of course I've changed, I've become so much more jaded and hateful, but I never show that to her. I pretend to be the same for her, I almost wish she'd pretend too.

Last night she told me something about herself, and it bothered me. Not cause it was bad, but cause it was just another change. I had this feeling of "No, no. You weren't always like that, that's not true." the thing wasn't even bad, it just... Wasn't the same. I pretended to be fine, tried to just pass it off that I was tired and that's why I seemed so grumpy, but it's like. Man, I just want it to be middle school again. Why does everything keep changing. Life changes, she changed, I changed. Fuck.
 
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Once I stopped believing that I was ruined/broken is when I started to recover. Today I live a normal(ish) life and I'm somewhat happy. I still have chronic nightmares, startle at every loud noise, will most likely never be able to be in a relationship and have the personality of an angry old man but I'm happy.
Needed to read this today.

I’m ngl I read some shit this afternoon relating to my own past and some relatives I’ve been around. Fucked me up so bad I had cried. All that to say, thinking your life is over isn’t the move. Got to keep pushing for yourself, if nobody else got you.
 
Cause he has no worries for the rest of his days.

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Got my lab results back. Still high levels of prolactin and TSH3. Great. Gotta love life :/
Thyroid issues can elevate prolactin. Are you hypothyroid or is it coming from a drug you’re taking?
 
Been thinking of this lately.
But the internet as of late is just late stage multiculturalism in a nutshell.

Seeing how fucked things have gotten, I really feel like segregating the internet is the only way to stop this decline,especially now with how advanced AI bots have become. Some places never should've been connected to the outside world.
 
I'm not joking when I say that feeling bad is better than feeling nothing. The ability to feel at all is better than feeling nothing.
Disagree. Feel enough discomfort and self-loathing and eventually even feeling nothing will be a relief. It could be worse, though. You could be clinically depressed and the only feelings that penetrate the void are acute discomfort and self-loathing.
 
Man.. Doing that is so bloody hard. Why is it so bloody hard?
It's definetly hard for me. I don't think I'm broken cause of anything my mom did to me, I can move past that one day. I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, she may have killed my spirit but she didn't kill me. And "me" is all anyone needs.

I just think I'm broken cause I'm black and ergo have no pre-frontal cortex lol
 
I'm not joking when I say that feeling bad is better than feeling nothing. The ability to feel at all is better than feeling nothing.
Maybe. Depends. There’s a level of despair or pain that makes feeling nothing an attractive proposition, especially when said despair or pain has no reasonable solution. This after all is why people kill themselves - it’s to be feeling nothing, rather than things which cannot be bourne.
Acute pain is a positive stimulus, it forces change. Chronic pain is what gets people. Stick your hand on a hot pan and you’ll automatically pull away. Be unable to escape the heat and you’ll have a different view.
 
Man.. Doing that is so bloody hard. Why is it so bloody hard?
We are bombarded with demoralizing propaganda by the movies and books we consume, that's why. Like, there are movies and documentaries that are shown to kids in schools where the message is "if you misbehave you will end up an addict/homeless/raped and then you might as well kill yourself". It's great for scaring kids straight but what if you end up in any of these situations? You will believe that you are broken.

Also, sometimes you just need to hear from someone who knows what they're doing that you will be okay. Like, my family never abused me but they just... weren't really there. I could fuck off from home and school for a week at a time and they wouldn't ask questions. They were open to me living alone before 18 and didn't care how I made money.

At one point I asked a social worker who really helped me by connecting me to social services (who you're terrified of as a runaway), if I was ever going to recover. She told me that she has seen worse cases than me recover. That sentence was all I needed to hear.
 
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Why does everything keep changing.
Heraclitus (often misattributed to Buddha, but it could well have come from either) said, "No man ever steps into the same river twice, for he is not the same man, and the river is not the same river." (Buddha did say,"Life is a river, always flowing. Do not hold onto things. Work hard.")

Things change; what feels permanent or what we want to be permanent is impermanent. Clinging to the past or the familiar will bring you misery. In Buddhist-speak, clinging to things = desire. And desire is the source of all suffering. Suffering is a condition of human existence, which is why it takes work to overcome (for Buddhists, to work toward Nirvana, following the Noble Eightfold Path). But you don't have to be Buddhist to get the point, or at least part of the benefit.

Kahlil Gibran articulated a similar notion:

It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.
She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.
And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.
But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.
Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.
The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.
 
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