- Joined
- Oct 11, 2018
(Marches in, slams down bottle of sake from yesterday that is despairingly low in content) Let’s do this.
First off, thanks so much to Boolean Bitch for covering the newest shitstorm video!! Greatly appreciated. I ain’t touching’ that video with a ten foot pole. Tethered to a sequoia.
So on we go, playing catchup still.
Here we have bullshit video 3, where AL prattles on about dumb shit. CT scan? Whatever. Keto flu? Whatever. Booze? Gimme.
TL;DW/R: Fatty whines and bitches a lot. Her face is puffy like always, but she proclaims it’s swollen abnormally. She is a bastion of health and hasn’t experienced keto flu. Herpalurps around the hospital for her CT scan, gives us a screenshot confirming that she doesn’t have anyone new in her life and just assigned a new retarded nickname to Jade Francis. Shoves food in her face. Tells us she doesn’t wash her hair more than 1-2 times a week, which is why she looks like something that rolled ashore during an Exxon-Valdez spill. Has finished more Lego.
First off, thanks so much to Boolean Bitch for covering the newest shitstorm video!! Greatly appreciated. I ain’t touching’ that video with a ten foot pole. Tethered to a sequoia.
So on we go, playing catchup still.
Here we have bullshit video 3, where AL prattles on about dumb shit. CT scan? Whatever. Keto flu? Whatever. Booze? Gimme.
0:00 ‘Hello.’ Stop running your fingers over your nasty greasy scalp, AL. It’s like spreading Crisco on your head and makes me regret my life decisions to watch this bullshit. ‘Today is my CT scan appointment’ and we’re riveted. How’s about you lose enough weight to fit into the bore of an MRI, darling? That’d be grand.
0:03 Of course, we’re back to an old, familiar sight - AL upending a water bottle in her fat face and slurping off of it. How many times have we seen this over the years? I have seriously lost count. All the water sagas with water flailing and water drinking and ‘I don’t even crave soda! I crave water!’ just like her ‘apples taste like candy to me’ and other assorted crap over the years. It feels like a bad case of deja vu where it’s just flickering flames of Hell burning in my retina over and over and over again. She assures us she’s drinking so much water now, just like she has a plethora of times over the past years. Oh, let me correct myself. She’s been drinking so much water lately since she started low carb keto. You know, as opposed to high carb keto. She states that because her body’s getting rid of water, she’s having to take in water.
0:17 Train derailment - she takes a moment to bitch about being ‘swollen right here today’ as she pokes the gushy fat on the side of her face. You’ve been swollen there since 2008, AL. What do you expect when you have 340+ lbs of excess adipose tissue on your frame. She prattles on that she doesn’t really know what that’s about (I’ll tell ya, AL. It’s called FAT.) and then professes that she’s not wearing foundation, because that’s apparently something we should all care about. She doesn’t look any more or less shit than normal to my eyes, but then again I don’t really care about anything more than her greasy disgusting hair when it comes to her appearance (show us laaaaaayyyyygs and maybe we’ll care again lol). She says this is because she’s going to be wearing a mask.
0:42 Goes back to talking about it being CT scan day and says she’s nervous and having a PTSD molment and NO THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT YOU WEAK-MINDED SIMPLETON.
Sake straight from the bottle is not highly recommended, but in the case of this vapid dingaling, necessary.
So she says she’s having flashbacks of the last time she went when she was directed to go to the ER and she hopes this time it’s a better situaFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. She’s just real nervous. Cry me a river, dipshit.
1:01 Fuck, she’s back to poking her face and whining about being swollen. Hypothesizes that it could be due to sodium from the 8,000,000,000 pork rinds she’s shoved in her maw over the last 5 days. ‘Maybe question mark’ makes me want to slap her and watch her head wobble like a perpetual motion machine with fat rolling around it in waves. Maybe she’ll see the ER about this, just like she was doctor shopping for her eye twitch. Remember that, AL? KiwiFarms remembers.
1:14 Oh, so I guess all her mental anguish is done away with, because she professes that though it looks like she’s been crying, she hasn’t been. What happened to crying all the time? I guess now it’s just ‘poking my face constantly like a retard’ all the time. Distraction time - she announces that today is day 5 of her doing low carb keto as opposed to high carb keto.
1:24 People have asked her if she’s gotten Keto Flu. “NO!” Of course not. She’s the picture of fucking health, shitlords. She would never suffer from such a commonplace ailment as Keto Flu. Unless there’s a Keto Cancer, she won’t have any negative experiences from this until her weight loss drops off because she’s over consuming calories and has no more water weight to shed. AL says she was the most nervous for the flu, because ‘when you change the way you’re eating you’re detoxing in a way’. She says she feels lighter and healthier, but mentally she’s a fucking wreck because she’s craving carbs and has her molments.
is her biggest complaint right now. Go figure.
2:04 Oh, riveting content time. Herpalurping around the hospital to do her CT scan. With angles this time. We get to look at the floor, then cut to seeing under her fourth chin. I am sipping my booze because there’s nothing better to do at this moment in time, plus this shitty swaying and crap would make me feel nauseous if I weren’t actively drinking.
2:20
Hello, confirmation that 'Feline' is still Jade Francis of New York: My Girlfriend, Wifey. Stop assigning her new nicknames, you retarded lint-noggin.
Will say that it’s pretty damned comedic that in the background information about drugs available for people with high blood pressure is playing. Fitting!!
2:30 Outside of the hospital, she’s happy to announce that her CT scan is done. Her arm, by the way, is disgustingly littered with bruises and pockmarks. Ugh.
Yikes, AL.
Anyway, she wasn’t directed to go to the ER so that’s fine. They said her results should be available soon. AL has an upcoming doctor’s appointment the next day to discuss said results. Then she prattles on about how the CT scan ‘person’ (try radiologist) was shooo shweet and comforted her widdle fwaaayed newwwves and this was apparently amazing because AL had all the anxietiez.
3:09 Got home, instantly has to shove food in her face because she’s a fatty and that’s all she knows. Because she hasn’t ATE. Not eaten, ATE. AuthorLynn strikes again. But her appointment was at 4:20 PM and now it’s 6:10 PM. So 1620 and 1810 for those who go by the 24 hour clock. Whatever, AL, doesn’t count when you probably woke up at 1500. 3PM. Whatever. But anyway, she waggles around a pair of paper plates (we’re gettin’ classy here), one loaded with a ton of salad shit and one with a ton of steak that’s been overcooked to the point where I can hear the cow’s soul crying from the great beyond. AL says that ‘normal people’ would call it a steak salad. No. Normal people would call that a heinous abomination and a crime against the poor cow who sacrificed itself so that you might desecrate its remains. Anyway, AL says she wants to keep her steak separate, hence the two separate plates. More like the steak wouldn’t fit on said salad and be able to stay on the plate, because there’s a metric ass-ton of that shit.
3:35 AL goes on to explain that all the sizzling in the background is F/JFoNY:MGF,W cooking her own shit, because AL murders her meat first an then F/JFoNY:MGF,W comes in after her to make something palatable that isn’t burnt to a cinder. AL confirms this a few seconds later by telling us that she does indeed like her steak cooked until it’s too hard to be used as charcoal and can double as road gravel, whereas F/JFoNY:MGF,W likes to be able to chew her food without breaking her teeth off in her face.
3:56 Pointing out what’s in her salad. Lettuce, ranch dressing, a veritable ton of cheese, red onion, olives and cheese crisps (and a ton of pepper). Because DeathByJen had the right idea, I guess. Though AL says that the cheese crisps aren’t great on their own, so she’s trying it in a salad to see if smothering it in ranch dressing and marrying it with a ton of shredded cheese will help her choke that shit down instead of just nutting up and chucking it into the trash. Then she has to shove shit into her filthy maw on camera, because of course. I am distracted by the fact that her stray hairs are erupting off her head and standing under their own power thanks to the accumulation of grease and filth on her head.
TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, YOU FILTHY OGRE.
Oh god. This disgusting pig. She shoves it in her face, has to push it around with her tongue which of course forces some leaves to fall back onto her plate, and has a bunch of ranch on her placid lips. And then chews like a fucking chipmunk. Regardless of what she says, she obviously isn’t a fan, because this pouty face tells the truth and I am laughing hysterically at it.
Give me more tears, AL. They compliment my booze.
4:28 She gives the fakest ‘Hmmmm!’ of approval of all time. It’s like the sound a parent makes to compliment their 4 year old on their strawberry jelly and lays potato chip sandwiches made on everything bagels with candy sprinkles and chocolate chips for garnish. Fatty then has to hold a conversation with off-camera F/JFoNY:MGF,W where she calls her ‘babe’ and you hear Jade reply “I’m eating” then a breath later say “yes Mama” and I have pounded down more of this bottle than is healthy now. AL informs her that the cheese crisps in the salad is a ‘yes’ because yes, the amount of ranch will drown out anything. I wish that the ranch would drown out AL chewing with her fucking mouth open.
5:16 AL professes that she eats steak like once a day now, then as she removes her hospital band says ‘I know I need not to do that’ and I’m like ‘whatever, no one cares.’ AL says she’s having a hard time with ‘all this meat’ then retracts that by saying she’s not having as hard of a time as she thought she would, but she knows she can’t just eat chicken all day. She has ground turkey, pork chops and steak. She says the steak is ‘just so easy and honestly tastes so good the way I cook it’ and I am holding my head, because this is the bitch that ruins salmon and makes inedible chili.
AL. Even in the military, your ‘steak’ would not pass inspection and make it to the serving lines. It’d be shoved straight into the trash compactor. And we serve shit that literally looks like Alpo dog food. And Chicken Adobo with bones in it that is made in a steam kettle rather than a pan (once, the table I was at decided to compile its resources and by the end of chow, we had a nearly complete skeleton, but that’s a tale for another time).
Of course, she ends this segment with a double thumbs up while chewing like a fucking cow and professing it’s SHO GUUUUD with her mouth full like the cretin she is.
5:48 Now we’ve got ‘Enjoying the rain on my porch’ and Twinkie doesn’t look happy that it’s coming down. AL has tacky as fuck lights wrapped around her railing, because of course she does.
6:10 This wouldn’t be an AL video without tons of dumb food shit. She professes that F/JFoNY:MGF,W made cabbage, which is still sitting in the pot. Yup, that’s cabbage, alright. AL’s going to inhale the remnants. She says ‘it looks bomb’ and I silently pray for it to contain a bomb that will blast her head right off her rotund body, but seeing as how there’s more videos after this backlogged reeeeeecap I know I’m not going to be so lucky. And it smells - wait for it!!! - SHO GUUD.
6:17 AL cuts to her with her hair frazzled and looking like shit. She proclaims ‘I look’ and stops for a long fucking time, waiting for F/JFoNY:MGF,W to kick in, which she does with a muttered ‘like you just had sex?’ to which AL looks stunned, surprised, and mildly disgusted. Instead of laughing and going ‘you know it, babe!’ like a sexually active gorl might, she instead blurts out ‘Stop right now,’ which really seals the feeling of her prattling on about being sexually active like a permavirgin in my alcohol-pickled brain. We have a terrible camera angle as she burbles about, staring at her highest set of front-body teets. She asks ‘Okay, so what are the ingreets?’ And once more, I want to make her face into a perpetual motion fat wave machine by slapping her from here to the motherfuckin’ moon.
To make things even more infuriating, she says the same shit AGAIN while she changes the angle with her camera to eye-fuck herself and make duck lips and then bitch that her cheeks are flushed from the exertion of wobbling about for a total of 10 feet travelled.
This conversation is so fucking stupid. F/JFoNY:MGF,W tells AL that she can’t tell her the ingreets (and now Jade needs to be slapped to the moon as well, because they’re murdering my brain cells with prejudice). AL states that she ‘gets the sex flush’ except it’s not, it’s the high blood pressure flush, and they’re definitely not the same thing. She digs around in the pot with a fork and pulls out cabbage, her cackle sounding like the soft hiss of air escaping a wounded balloon. ‘People hate me,’ AL giggles.
Yes. Yes we do.
6:44 Oh, finally time to shove cabbage in her face. Lemme guess. It’s SHO GUUUD? Well, unlike her stupid salad, her eyes spring open and her head bobbles up and down like she’s a bobblehead mounted on the dashboard of a Mack truck rolling along a logging trail. ‘That slaps,’ she shouts. F/JFoNY:MGF,W just goes ‘Okay’ with her tone sounding like she’s pondering just what this bitch is on, getting so hyped over motherfuckin’ cabbage. AL then, after saying she likes it, recommends putting sriracha on it because she’s a fucking nincompoop. F/JFoNY:MGF,W sounds so fucking done with her, just breathing out a disgusted ‘you and your sriracha.’
7:11 AL is being a tremendous ‘tard, stuffing her face with more cabbage and shouting ‘KETO QUEEN!’ My bottle is nearly empty. I am sad. AL attempts to be an educator by proclaiming that ‘yes, things like this have carbs - you just have to watch how much you eat.’ And I’m like ‘that’s precisely what you’re not doing - you’re not watching how much you’re eating, and you’re probably going to demolish that entire pot. Dummy.’
7:30 Alright, different setting. She’s waggling about her giraffe covered journal and proclaims that she’s finished it. She says she has shown her journals in the past, that she’s daily-journaled for 1.5 years and hasn’t skipped a single day, and people have asked ‘how do we know they’re full? She never shows the pages.’ AL looks stunned because ‘these are secrets!’ And the teenage whining is setting my ears on fire, because holy fuck, grow up, woman. You could always rapid-flip. Hold them back to where your shit camera can’t capture detail and rapidly flip. But that’d be effort. And would prove that you’re not lying your face off. After all, you were very clear a few videos ago that you would never lie about MEDICAL things. Specifically MEDICAL things. Never mentioned journaling things. Anyway, she shows us the next one, and it’s a dark blue book with ‘be happy’ on the front. In all lowercase, which makes me think of the similarly imbecilic Judy Valentin, who wouldn’t make as nice of a fat wave machine as AL but is a wonderful substitute for the hookah smoking caterpillar of Alice and Wonderland fame with her impressive neck dewlap.
8:18 Ah fuck me, I must’ve wronged someone tremendously in my past life to deserve so many shots of AL’s upper front teets. Ugh. She proclaims she’s not currently wearing her lip gloss she recently got and is stanning that she got from the Dollar Tree (LA colors roll-on gloss in strawberry), but then slathers it on her face. Then she goes on to ramble about how fruit-flavored things, scented things are their own element because they don’t actually smell like the fruit they’re mimicking. ‘They’re like an artificial IT’S NOT A MOTHERFUCKING MOLMENT YOU ILLITERATE SHITCANNON!!!!!!!!’
9:38 After prattling on forever about her fucking dollar store lip gloss and how wonderful it is, she pats that greasy mop on her noggin and proclaims that it’s time she does something with her hair. Yes, WASH IT. She says she thinks it’s its cleaning IT’S NOT A GOD DAMNED MOLMENT YOU AIRHEADED DUNCE!!!!!! But yes, it is time to actually clean that shit. It looks horrendous. AL proclaims that it’s only been 3-4 days of accumulated filth. I am gagging. Booze is barely helping. It hasn’t made my brain hazed enough to endure this torment. AL goes on to continue to disgust me by proclaiming that she only washes it once or twice a week, then goes on to clarify that she’s only doing it every 4-5 days. Then says this is common, and she saw a TikTok recently about this very topic. Because she is disgusting and looking for validation in being a gross, filthy pig. She as oily hair - she should be washing it MUCH more often than she does. Ugh. AL proclaims she feels validated because a TikToker asked people in a hair salon how often they wash their hair, and everyone said ‘once a week.’ Which may be because these people may have thick, curly hair. Or dry hair. Or work in dry climates. And not sweat like a fucking pig and have oily scalps. But AL doesn’t bother reading recommendations from actual medical professionals like dermatoligists (which range from every day in the case of those with very oily heads to every other week for those with dense, tight curls - my search history now has this shit in it, and I weep). AL says she used to think she was crazy because her commenters were rightly pointing out that she looks like a walking oil slick, but then CUNT!LYNN comes out to play by snarking “I just don’t use dry shampoo like other bitches.”
Gross.
10:40 She decides to show us more of her stupid Lego. It’s at a point where she’s afraid to lift it. She turns it, referring to it as ‘she’ which is dumb as hell. We’ve got about 1/4 of the northern hemisphere. She’s bitching about the gaps because right now everything is wobbly as hell. AL shows that she has marginal literacy by reading the labels that are on her globe, telling her that the blue expanses are in fact the Atlantic and Indian Oceans, and the land masses are Africa and Europe.
11:20 So she proclaims that the Lego’s been so much fun to do, but her look was utter disgust and exasperation. I am bemused. But she says ‘crossing my fingos’ (and she catches that pretty immediately) that she gets the Titanic one someday. Next day is doctor appointment to discuss the CT scan. And then she does her FUCKING KISSY OUTRO GAH skin bleach is required.
0:03 Of course, we’re back to an old, familiar sight - AL upending a water bottle in her fat face and slurping off of it. How many times have we seen this over the years? I have seriously lost count. All the water sagas with water flailing and water drinking and ‘I don’t even crave soda! I crave water!’ just like her ‘apples taste like candy to me’ and other assorted crap over the years. It feels like a bad case of deja vu where it’s just flickering flames of Hell burning in my retina over and over and over again. She assures us she’s drinking so much water now, just like she has a plethora of times over the past years. Oh, let me correct myself. She’s been drinking so much water lately since she started low carb keto. You know, as opposed to high carb keto. She states that because her body’s getting rid of water, she’s having to take in water.
0:17 Train derailment - she takes a moment to bitch about being ‘swollen right here today’ as she pokes the gushy fat on the side of her face. You’ve been swollen there since 2008, AL. What do you expect when you have 340+ lbs of excess adipose tissue on your frame. She prattles on that she doesn’t really know what that’s about (I’ll tell ya, AL. It’s called FAT.) and then professes that she’s not wearing foundation, because that’s apparently something we should all care about. She doesn’t look any more or less shit than normal to my eyes, but then again I don’t really care about anything more than her greasy disgusting hair when it comes to her appearance (show us laaaaaayyyyygs and maybe we’ll care again lol). She says this is because she’s going to be wearing a mask.
0:42 Goes back to talking about it being CT scan day and says she’s nervous and having a PTSD molment and NO THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT YOU WEAK-MINDED SIMPLETON.
Sake straight from the bottle is not highly recommended, but in the case of this vapid dingaling, necessary.
So she says she’s having flashbacks of the last time she went when she was directed to go to the ER and she hopes this time it’s a better situaFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. She’s just real nervous. Cry me a river, dipshit.
1:01 Fuck, she’s back to poking her face and whining about being swollen. Hypothesizes that it could be due to sodium from the 8,000,000,000 pork rinds she’s shoved in her maw over the last 5 days. ‘Maybe question mark’ makes me want to slap her and watch her head wobble like a perpetual motion machine with fat rolling around it in waves. Maybe she’ll see the ER about this, just like she was doctor shopping for her eye twitch. Remember that, AL? KiwiFarms remembers.
1:14 Oh, so I guess all her mental anguish is done away with, because she professes that though it looks like she’s been crying, she hasn’t been. What happened to crying all the time? I guess now it’s just ‘poking my face constantly like a retard’ all the time. Distraction time - she announces that today is day 5 of her doing low carb keto as opposed to high carb keto.
1:24 People have asked her if she’s gotten Keto Flu. “NO!” Of course not. She’s the picture of fucking health, shitlords. She would never suffer from such a commonplace ailment as Keto Flu. Unless there’s a Keto Cancer, she won’t have any negative experiences from this until her weight loss drops off because she’s over consuming calories and has no more water weight to shed. AL says she was the most nervous for the flu, because ‘when you change the way you’re eating you’re detoxing in a way’. She says she feels lighter and healthier, but mentally she’s a fucking wreck because she’s craving carbs and has her molments.
is her biggest complaint right now. Go figure.2:04 Oh, riveting content time. Herpalurping around the hospital to do her CT scan. With angles this time. We get to look at the floor, then cut to seeing under her fourth chin. I am sipping my booze because there’s nothing better to do at this moment in time, plus this shitty swaying and crap would make me feel nauseous if I weren’t actively drinking.
2:20
Hello, confirmation that 'Feline' is still Jade Francis of New York: My Girlfriend, Wifey. Stop assigning her new nicknames, you retarded lint-noggin.
Will say that it’s pretty damned comedic that in the background information about drugs available for people with high blood pressure is playing. Fitting!!
2:30 Outside of the hospital, she’s happy to announce that her CT scan is done. Her arm, by the way, is disgustingly littered with bruises and pockmarks. Ugh.
Yikes, AL.
Anyway, she wasn’t directed to go to the ER so that’s fine. They said her results should be available soon. AL has an upcoming doctor’s appointment the next day to discuss said results. Then she prattles on about how the CT scan ‘person’ (try radiologist) was shooo shweet and comforted her widdle fwaaayed newwwves and this was apparently amazing because AL had all the anxietiez.
3:09 Got home, instantly has to shove food in her face because she’s a fatty and that’s all she knows. Because she hasn’t ATE. Not eaten, ATE. AuthorLynn strikes again. But her appointment was at 4:20 PM and now it’s 6:10 PM. So 1620 and 1810 for those who go by the 24 hour clock. Whatever, AL, doesn’t count when you probably woke up at 1500. 3PM. Whatever. But anyway, she waggles around a pair of paper plates (we’re gettin’ classy here), one loaded with a ton of salad shit and one with a ton of steak that’s been overcooked to the point where I can hear the cow’s soul crying from the great beyond. AL says that ‘normal people’ would call it a steak salad. No. Normal people would call that a heinous abomination and a crime against the poor cow who sacrificed itself so that you might desecrate its remains. Anyway, AL says she wants to keep her steak separate, hence the two separate plates. More like the steak wouldn’t fit on said salad and be able to stay on the plate, because there’s a metric ass-ton of that shit.
3:35 AL goes on to explain that all the sizzling in the background is F/JFoNY:MGF,W cooking her own shit, because AL murders her meat first an then F/JFoNY:MGF,W comes in after her to make something palatable that isn’t burnt to a cinder. AL confirms this a few seconds later by telling us that she does indeed like her steak cooked until it’s too hard to be used as charcoal and can double as road gravel, whereas F/JFoNY:MGF,W likes to be able to chew her food without breaking her teeth off in her face.
3:56 Pointing out what’s in her salad. Lettuce, ranch dressing, a veritable ton of cheese, red onion, olives and cheese crisps (and a ton of pepper). Because DeathByJen had the right idea, I guess. Though AL says that the cheese crisps aren’t great on their own, so she’s trying it in a salad to see if smothering it in ranch dressing and marrying it with a ton of shredded cheese will help her choke that shit down instead of just nutting up and chucking it into the trash. Then she has to shove shit into her filthy maw on camera, because of course. I am distracted by the fact that her stray hairs are erupting off her head and standing under their own power thanks to the accumulation of grease and filth on her head.
TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, YOU FILTHY OGRE.
Oh god. This disgusting pig. She shoves it in her face, has to push it around with her tongue which of course forces some leaves to fall back onto her plate, and has a bunch of ranch on her placid lips. And then chews like a fucking chipmunk. Regardless of what she says, she obviously isn’t a fan, because this pouty face tells the truth and I am laughing hysterically at it.
Give me more tears, AL. They compliment my booze.
4:28 She gives the fakest ‘Hmmmm!’ of approval of all time. It’s like the sound a parent makes to compliment their 4 year old on their strawberry jelly and lays potato chip sandwiches made on everything bagels with candy sprinkles and chocolate chips for garnish. Fatty then has to hold a conversation with off-camera F/JFoNY:MGF,W where she calls her ‘babe’ and you hear Jade reply “I’m eating” then a breath later say “yes Mama” and I have pounded down more of this bottle than is healthy now. AL informs her that the cheese crisps in the salad is a ‘yes’ because yes, the amount of ranch will drown out anything. I wish that the ranch would drown out AL chewing with her fucking mouth open.
5:16 AL professes that she eats steak like once a day now, then as she removes her hospital band says ‘I know I need not to do that’ and I’m like ‘whatever, no one cares.’ AL says she’s having a hard time with ‘all this meat’ then retracts that by saying she’s not having as hard of a time as she thought she would, but she knows she can’t just eat chicken all day. She has ground turkey, pork chops and steak. She says the steak is ‘just so easy and honestly tastes so good the way I cook it’ and I am holding my head, because this is the bitch that ruins salmon and makes inedible chili.
AL. Even in the military, your ‘steak’ would not pass inspection and make it to the serving lines. It’d be shoved straight into the trash compactor. And we serve shit that literally looks like Alpo dog food. And Chicken Adobo with bones in it that is made in a steam kettle rather than a pan (once, the table I was at decided to compile its resources and by the end of chow, we had a nearly complete skeleton, but that’s a tale for another time).
Of course, she ends this segment with a double thumbs up while chewing like a fucking cow and professing it’s SHO GUUUUD with her mouth full like the cretin she is.
5:48 Now we’ve got ‘Enjoying the rain on my porch’ and Twinkie doesn’t look happy that it’s coming down. AL has tacky as fuck lights wrapped around her railing, because of course she does.
6:10 This wouldn’t be an AL video without tons of dumb food shit. She professes that F/JFoNY:MGF,W made cabbage, which is still sitting in the pot. Yup, that’s cabbage, alright. AL’s going to inhale the remnants. She says ‘it looks bomb’ and I silently pray for it to contain a bomb that will blast her head right off her rotund body, but seeing as how there’s more videos after this backlogged reeeeeecap I know I’m not going to be so lucky. And it smells - wait for it!!! - SHO GUUD.
6:17 AL cuts to her with her hair frazzled and looking like shit. She proclaims ‘I look’ and stops for a long fucking time, waiting for F/JFoNY:MGF,W to kick in, which she does with a muttered ‘like you just had sex?’ to which AL looks stunned, surprised, and mildly disgusted. Instead of laughing and going ‘you know it, babe!’ like a sexually active gorl might, she instead blurts out ‘Stop right now,’ which really seals the feeling of her prattling on about being sexually active like a permavirgin in my alcohol-pickled brain. We have a terrible camera angle as she burbles about, staring at her highest set of front-body teets. She asks ‘Okay, so what are the ingreets?’ And once more, I want to make her face into a perpetual motion fat wave machine by slapping her from here to the motherfuckin’ moon.
To make things even more infuriating, she says the same shit AGAIN while she changes the angle with her camera to eye-fuck herself and make duck lips and then bitch that her cheeks are flushed from the exertion of wobbling about for a total of 10 feet travelled.
This conversation is so fucking stupid. F/JFoNY:MGF,W tells AL that she can’t tell her the ingreets (and now Jade needs to be slapped to the moon as well, because they’re murdering my brain cells with prejudice). AL states that she ‘gets the sex flush’ except it’s not, it’s the high blood pressure flush, and they’re definitely not the same thing. She digs around in the pot with a fork and pulls out cabbage, her cackle sounding like the soft hiss of air escaping a wounded balloon. ‘People hate me,’ AL giggles.
Yes. Yes we do.
6:44 Oh, finally time to shove cabbage in her face. Lemme guess. It’s SHO GUUUD? Well, unlike her stupid salad, her eyes spring open and her head bobbles up and down like she’s a bobblehead mounted on the dashboard of a Mack truck rolling along a logging trail. ‘That slaps,’ she shouts. F/JFoNY:MGF,W just goes ‘Okay’ with her tone sounding like she’s pondering just what this bitch is on, getting so hyped over motherfuckin’ cabbage. AL then, after saying she likes it, recommends putting sriracha on it because she’s a fucking nincompoop. F/JFoNY:MGF,W sounds so fucking done with her, just breathing out a disgusted ‘you and your sriracha.’
7:11 AL is being a tremendous ‘tard, stuffing her face with more cabbage and shouting ‘KETO QUEEN!’ My bottle is nearly empty. I am sad. AL attempts to be an educator by proclaiming that ‘yes, things like this have carbs - you just have to watch how much you eat.’ And I’m like ‘that’s precisely what you’re not doing - you’re not watching how much you’re eating, and you’re probably going to demolish that entire pot. Dummy.’
7:30 Alright, different setting. She’s waggling about her giraffe covered journal and proclaims that she’s finished it. She says she has shown her journals in the past, that she’s daily-journaled for 1.5 years and hasn’t skipped a single day, and people have asked ‘how do we know they’re full? She never shows the pages.’ AL looks stunned because ‘these are secrets!’ And the teenage whining is setting my ears on fire, because holy fuck, grow up, woman. You could always rapid-flip. Hold them back to where your shit camera can’t capture detail and rapidly flip. But that’d be effort. And would prove that you’re not lying your face off. After all, you were very clear a few videos ago that you would never lie about MEDICAL things. Specifically MEDICAL things. Never mentioned journaling things. Anyway, she shows us the next one, and it’s a dark blue book with ‘be happy’ on the front. In all lowercase, which makes me think of the similarly imbecilic Judy Valentin, who wouldn’t make as nice of a fat wave machine as AL but is a wonderful substitute for the hookah smoking caterpillar of Alice and Wonderland fame with her impressive neck dewlap.
8:18 Ah fuck me, I must’ve wronged someone tremendously in my past life to deserve so many shots of AL’s upper front teets. Ugh. She proclaims she’s not currently wearing her lip gloss she recently got and is stanning that she got from the Dollar Tree (LA colors roll-on gloss in strawberry), but then slathers it on her face. Then she goes on to ramble about how fruit-flavored things, scented things are their own element because they don’t actually smell like the fruit they’re mimicking. ‘They’re like an artificial IT’S NOT A MOTHERFUCKING MOLMENT YOU ILLITERATE SHITCANNON!!!!!!!!’
9:38 After prattling on forever about her fucking dollar store lip gloss and how wonderful it is, she pats that greasy mop on her noggin and proclaims that it’s time she does something with her hair. Yes, WASH IT. She says she thinks it’s its cleaning IT’S NOT A GOD DAMNED MOLMENT YOU AIRHEADED DUNCE!!!!!! But yes, it is time to actually clean that shit. It looks horrendous. AL proclaims that it’s only been 3-4 days of accumulated filth. I am gagging. Booze is barely helping. It hasn’t made my brain hazed enough to endure this torment. AL goes on to continue to disgust me by proclaiming that she only washes it once or twice a week, then goes on to clarify that she’s only doing it every 4-5 days. Then says this is common, and she saw a TikTok recently about this very topic. Because she is disgusting and looking for validation in being a gross, filthy pig. She as oily hair - she should be washing it MUCH more often than she does. Ugh. AL proclaims she feels validated because a TikToker asked people in a hair salon how often they wash their hair, and everyone said ‘once a week.’ Which may be because these people may have thick, curly hair. Or dry hair. Or work in dry climates. And not sweat like a fucking pig and have oily scalps. But AL doesn’t bother reading recommendations from actual medical professionals like dermatoligists (which range from every day in the case of those with very oily heads to every other week for those with dense, tight curls - my search history now has this shit in it, and I weep). AL says she used to think she was crazy because her commenters were rightly pointing out that she looks like a walking oil slick, but then CUNT!LYNN comes out to play by snarking “I just don’t use dry shampoo like other bitches.”
Gross.
10:40 She decides to show us more of her stupid Lego. It’s at a point where she’s afraid to lift it. She turns it, referring to it as ‘she’ which is dumb as hell. We’ve got about 1/4 of the northern hemisphere. She’s bitching about the gaps because right now everything is wobbly as hell. AL shows that she has marginal literacy by reading the labels that are on her globe, telling her that the blue expanses are in fact the Atlantic and Indian Oceans, and the land masses are Africa and Europe.
11:20 So she proclaims that the Lego’s been so much fun to do, but her look was utter disgust and exasperation. I am bemused. But she says ‘crossing my fingos’ (and she catches that pretty immediately) that she gets the Titanic one someday. Next day is doctor appointment to discuss the CT scan. And then she does her FUCKING KISSY OUTRO GAH skin bleach is required.
TL;DW/R: Fatty whines and bitches a lot. Her face is puffy like always, but she proclaims it’s swollen abnormally. She is a bastion of health and hasn’t experienced keto flu. Herpalurps around the hospital for her CT scan, gives us a screenshot confirming that she doesn’t have anyone new in her life and just assigned a new retarded nickname to Jade Francis. Shoves food in her face. Tells us she doesn’t wash her hair more than 1-2 times a week, which is why she looks like something that rolled ashore during an Exxon-Valdez spill. Has finished more Lego.
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