Best Zero Effort Food?

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I refuse to engage with this autism. Are you incapable of even basic ingredient preparation? Gotta grow up sometime, man.

Spend money on decent protein, then dress it simply. Invest in a spice collection; either separate or pre made mixes.

So instead, I'm gonna give you really simple recipes that literally a monkey could do. All of these take less than 20m from getting off the couch to eating.

Brown Sugar Baked Salmon

1 Salmon Filet, approx. 1/2 lb
Pre- or home-made Salmon Spice - typically brown sugar, coarse salt, chili flakes, black pepper
Olive Oil
Jalapeño

Coat salmon in olive oil, then sprinkle a light layer of salmon spice over salmon. Slice jalapeño, top salmon with slices. Bake for 10-12 mins at 425 deg F, or until ~135 deg F in the thickest part.

Blackened Chicken Breasts

1 lb chicken breast
Olive oil
Blackening spice - typically salt, coriander, smoked paprika, cumin, garlic, pepper

Butterfly or flatten chicken breast to 1/8-1/4". Coat lightly in olive oil, cover in spices. Heat a stainless steel or cast iron pan to medium high, add a thin film of oil, and sear. When chicken is half cooked, flip. If the stuff stuck to the bottom of the pan starts turning black, your pan is too hot. Cook to approx. 145 degrees, or when visually done.

Bonus for seeming like you know things about food even if you don't: Add Pan Sauce

1 Shallot
Cheap white wine
Unsalted butter, cold
Chicken stock, optional but delicious.
Herbs, optional, thyme and/or rosemary are traditional.
Lemon, optional.
Fish sauce, optional but delicious

Pre-mince shallot as small as possible before cooking meat. As meat is finishing, turn off heat. Once meat is out, quickly add shallots and a bit of butter to cook shallots until browned. Pour some wine, maybe a half cup into pan. Scrape all the tasty brown bits off the bottom of the pan and they'll dissolve into the wine. Turn heat back up and add an equal portion of chicken stock; taste to see if it's too acidic and if so add more stock. Add some drops of fish stock, stir and re-taste. Simmer until sauce is the consistency of Campbell's tomato soup; you should be able to drag a spoon across the bottom and have it leave a streak. Add a squeeze of lemon. Turn off heat and start adding chunks of butter; whisk butter into sauce one chunk at a time until the consistency of gravy. Pour over meat. You can do this with literally any seared meat and it will make it better.

Fried Fish

1/2-1 lb White Fish Filet (cod, halibut, tilapia, etc)
2 Eggs
Panko Breadcrumbs
Frying Oil (any, but preferably higher smoke point ones like sunflower or canola)
Spice mix of your choice
Salt

Dry surface of the fish and sprinkle spice mix on top. If your spices don't include salt, add some. Cut fish with the grain into 4-6" strips. Dip in egg, then dip in breadcrumbs both sides. Leave on plate for 5m, then flip and leave for another 5. Add oil to pan, heat, and throw breadcrumbs in the oil until a breadcrumb will bubble and brown on its own. Add fish to oil, turn down heat, cool until brown and then flip. Serve with sauce of choice (but it should be tartar--storebought, or combine mayo, sweet green relish, and lemon).

Coffee Crusted Steak

Steak, dealer's choice, but thicker is better.
Oil
Salt
Butter
Ground Coffee
Sugar
Paprika

Combine equal parts coffee and sugar, add half that amount in salt, paprika and pepper. Mix. Coat steak in oil, crust in coffee mixture. Heat stainless steel pan until very hot, add thin film of oil which will probably smoke. Add steak, flip once steak releases easily from pan, then flip again once that side releases. Flip evenly once every 90s until steak is nearly done (approx. 125 deg internally). In the last few minutes, add a bunch of butter and continuously spoon frothy, brown butter over steak. Remove from pan, rest for 5, eat.

Roasted Garlic Potatoes

Mini potatoes
Garlic powder
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper

Cut mini potatoes in half and add to bowl. Add enough oil to coat potatoes, sprinkle with garlic powder, pepper, salt and mix. Optional step, but you can sauté cut side of potatoes in a frying pan until lightly browned. Spread potatoes into an even layer on a baking sheet and bake at 425 deg F until potatoes are browned and soft, probably about 25m. Serve with sour cream and chives.
 
DamnWolves! said:
I refuse to engage with this autism. Are you incapable of even basic ingredient preparation? Gotta grow up sometime, man.

Spend money on decent protein, then dress it simply. Invest in a spice collection; either separate or pre made mixes.

So instead, I'm gonna give you really simple recipes that literally a monkey could do. All of these take less than 20m from getting off the couch to eating.

Brown Sugar Baked Salmon

1 Salmon Filet, approx. 1/2 lb
Pre- or home-made Salmon Spice - typically brown sugar, coarse salt, chili flakes, black pepper
Olive Oil
Jalapeño

Coat salmon in olive oil, then sprinkle a light layer of salmon spice over salmon. Slice jalapeño, top salmon with slices. Bake for 10-12 mins at 425 deg F, or until ~135 deg F in the thickest part.

Blackened Chicken Breasts

1 lb chicken breast
Olive oil
Blackening spice - typically salt, coriander, smoked paprika, cumin, garlic, pepper

Butterfly or flatten chicken breast to 1/8-1/4". Coat lightly in olive oil, cover in spices. Heat a stainless steel or cast iron pan to medium high, add a thin film of oil, and sear. When chicken is half cooked, flip. If the stuff stuck to the bottom of the pan starts turning black, your pan is too hot. Cook to approx. 145 degrees, or when visually done.

Bonus for seeming like you know things about food even if you don't: Add Pan Sauce

1 Shallot
Cheap white wine
Unsalted butter, cold
Chicken stock, optional but delicious.
Herbs, optional, thyme and/or rosemary are traditional.
Lemon, optional.
Fish sauce, optional but delicious

Pre-mince shallot as small as possible before cooking meat. As meat is finishing, turn off heat. Once meat is out, quickly add shallots and a bit of butter to cook shallots until browned. Pour some wine, maybe a half cup into pan. Scrape all the tasty brown bits off the bottom of the pan and they'll dissolve into the wine. Turn heat back up and add an equal portion of chicken stock; taste to see if it's too acidic and if so add more stock. Add some drops of fish stock, stir and re-taste. Simmer until sauce is the consistency of Campbell's tomato soup; you should be able to drag a spoon across the bottom and have it leave a streak. Add a squeeze of lemon. Turn off heat and start adding chunks of butter; whisk butter into sauce one chunk at a time until the consistency of gravy. Pour over meat. You can do this with literally any seared meat and it will make it better.

Fried Fish

1/2-1 lb White Fish Filet (cod, halibut, tilapia, etc)
2 Eggs
Panko Breadcrumbs
Frying Oil (any, but preferably higher smoke point ones like sunflower or canola)
Spice mix of your choice
Salt

Dry surface of the fish and sprinkle spice mix on top. If your spices don't include salt, add some. Cut fish with the grain into 4-6" strips. Dip in egg, then dip in breadcrumbs both sides. Leave on plate for 5m, then flip and leave for another 5. Add oil to pan, heat, and throw breadcrumbs in the oil until a breadcrumb will bubble and brown on its own. Add fish to oil, turn down heat, cool until brown and then flip. Serve with sauce of choice (but it should be tartar--storebought, or combine mayo, sweet green relish, and lemon).

Coffee Crusted Steak

Steak, dealer's choice, but thicker is better.
Oil
Salt
Butter
Ground Coffee
Sugar
Paprika

Combine equal parts coffee and sugar, add half that amount in salt, paprika and pepper. Mix. Coat steak in oil, crust in coffee mixture. Heat stainless steel pan until very hot, add thin film of oil which will probably smoke. Add steak, flip once steak releases easily from pan, then flip again once that side releases. Flip evenly once every 90s until steak is nearly done (approx. 125 deg internally). In the last few minutes, add a bunch of butter and continuously spoon frothy, brown butter over steak. Remove from pan, rest for 5, eat.

Roasted Garlic Potatoes

Mini potatoes
Garlic powder
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper

Cut mini potatoes in half and add to bowl. Add enough oil to coat potatoes, sprinkle with garlic powder, pepper, salt and mix. Optional step, but you can sauté cut side of potatoes in a frying pan until lightly browned. Spread potatoes into an even layer on a baking sheet and bake at 425 deg F until potatoes are browned and soft, probably about 25m. Serve with sour cream and chives.
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Inflatable Julay said:
Trailer park nachos: melt cheese on a plate of saltines or tortilla chips. Optionally add a can of tuna
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two kinds of people
 
Chili's pretty easy
I've started using ground chicken instead of beef, ends up tasting about the same but digests easier for me and is slightly healthier.

Start with a bit of oil and medium heat, sizzle and stir the onions for a bit, then add in garlic, then add and brown the meat. Add rinsed canned beans. Stir occasionally.
Now my secret ingredient - canned new/white potatoes. Bulks the chili out quite a bit and adds texture. Chop 'em up and throw them in. Cook all this for a while while occasionally stirring, then add your seasonings. Your seasonings should include salt, pepper, tons of cumin, granulated garlic, chili powder, some oregano, and a bit of turmeric. Cook for a few more minutes while toasting some garlic bread. Done.

Should mention this is all being cooked in a cast-iron skillet, so besides that and your utensils and eating plate, dishes are minimal. I usually use around a pound of meat or slightly above (whatever amount is close enough that I can find in the meat dept.) You'll be able to eat on this for at least 2 days and it's even better the next day.
 
UnsufficentBoobage said:
Yes, on-topic and I Gonna Brag How Good Of A Cook I Am that made Scalfani thread downright impossible to parse.

To not leave post empty: black bread, onion and enough mayo to balance the onion. Idk if any american breads will fit if you do not have black.
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Damn it stop, being Russian!

Anyway, as a weeb I have some interest in Japanese dishes. One of the easiest things they make is jelly donuts onigiri. The most traditional fillings are pickled plums, salted salmon, kombu seaweed, and tuna with mayo (this is my personal favorite) but pretty much any salty, savory, or sour filling can work. Guess I can explain how to.

Ingredients:
Sushi rice
Nori (dried seaweed sheets)
Your filling of choice
Roasted sesame seeds (black or white, doesn't matter)
Salt
Vinegar

1. Cook the rice. Usually for sticky rice you'll soak a cup in a cup and a half of water for 15 minutes before bringing the stuff to a light boil then simmering it for 20 minutes.

2. Let the rice cool down a bit after fluffing it. Very important.

3. Fill a bowl with a mixture of water, vinegar, and salt. Dip your hands in it.

4. Take a handful of rice and roll it into a ball. Press an indent into the center and insert your filling. Roll it more to cover the filling, then press it into the triangle shape with your hands (or don't, it's not that serious).
Note: There are little plastic things that form the onigiri balls into a perfect triangle. Waste of money if you ask me, but if you're autistic about having the ball look just like in your Japanese animes...

5. You have two options here: you can use a half strip of nori and just place it on the bottom of the ball like in the Japanese animes, or you can take a whole strip and wrap it around the ball. It all depends on how much nori you want on your rice ball. I find wetting your fingertips helps the nori stick on the rice better.

6. Top with your roasted sesame seeds.

Keep in mind onigiri are the Japanese biscuits and gravy: every person has their own way of making it and it will always taste like theirs. Like some people don't use vinegar, some use bonito flakes instead of sesame seeds or with the seeds, some don't season the rice at all...experiment and find the flavors you like best. These are quick to make and when they're wrapped individually you can literally just grab one on the way out the door and eat it whenever (it's what it's for, incidentally). I think they're best at room temperature, but some people like them chilled or even warmed up.
 
Zero effort tier stuff I ate in college (oven/stove only, no microwave)-

Cereal, add milk and mix in a bowl if you have lots of extra energy.
Baked beans, add hot dog slices if available.
Hot dogs.
Yogurt. Just peel the lid off and eat. Tasty, lots of protein.
Fried or scrambled eggs, add bread in some form if available.
Grilled cheese sandwich.
Pasta and pre-bottled red sauce. Probably the most complex.
Steamed veggies. Spinach and beets were favorites.
Pre-packaged ramen and various frozen shit like nuggies and pizza if you want to be a fat.
 
Don't bother this if you consider Chinese or taiwan sausages a culinary abomination.

Stuff the entire sausage or if you are ballsy, chink blood sausage into white rice, Jasmine if possible.

the result is fragrant oily rice that smells somewhat sweet and savoury that can eaten by itself.
 
Cereal
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Cut up some veggies, drizzle some olive oil over them and season with some salt, pepper, garlic Powder, onion powder and paprika and bake in the oven
 
I'm someone that actually enjoys cooking but I love the idea of this thread because we don't always have time for it (And to anyone using this as a flex to post recipes kindly fuck off to another thread, no one is impressed).

So my answer: Ice cream, straight out of the container. Calories, sugar, energy - bam.
 
Carcinology said:
Cut up some veggies, drizzle some olive oil over them and season with some salt, pepper, garlic Powder, onion powder and paprika and bake in the oven
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Caprese salad could probably be about this easy too. Hell a lot of salads are basically "throw in bowl, toss with oil/whatever, done".
 
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