Completely Useless Superpowers

[Smaug's Smokey Hole]

Stolen from a comic, the ability to not reply "Thank you" when the waiter says "Thank you" when paying at a restaurant.

Being able to sniff out cancer at long distances, but only at long distances, if you get closer it goes away so you can't ever find the person or the animal. It's just the certainty that the next town over someone or something has cancer.

 

[Jason Wynn]

Being able to change your hair color, but only once a year and with a 5% cumulative chance of suffering a stroke with each use of the power.

 

[heyilikeyourmom]

Everything you touch turns to beanie babies. It’s like the midas touch but you can’t monetize it at all.

 

[KingofNothing]

The ability to grow your finger nails

 

[MasterDisaster]

Finally a thread like this exists.

1) The ability to remove any pair of handcuffs but you can only do it while inside a running washing machine.
2) You can hover but only three inches off the ground and only while standing in a T-pose.
3) You can turn any part of your body into a weapon but it breaks the instant you try to use it.
4) You can take over peoples minds but the only thing you can compel them to do is watch Ishtar.
5) You can fart hard enough to create ripples in time.

 

[Slimy Time]

The ability to have a 1/10000 chance to shit gold, it happens automatically every time you sit or lie down.

The ability to know when you are going to die, but only 5 seconds before it happens.

 

[Stranger Neighbors]

To see only a second into the future. Basically get déjà vu anytime you'd like

 

[No Exit]

The ability to have a seizure at will.

 

[Stephanie Bustcakes]

To see only a second into the future. Basically get déjà vu anytime you'd like

might be useful for poker.

 

[Coke Pope]

The ability to turn gold into lead.

The ability to turn your own shit blue at will.

The ability to age faster at will.

The ability to turn your own sweat into bleach or acid (and no, you are not resistant to it)

The ability to see inside your own eyes.

 

[Remove Goat]

Invulnerability to minor injuries, like accidentally bumping into a wall. Anything that would cause an injury beyond that is lethal.

 

[Zodiax]

The ability to have amazing luck in situations that are completely based on skill. Basically unless you could already easily do something, the ability wouldn't kick in.
Know all the answers to multiple choice on a test? You could have gotten all the answers you knew by answering at random, but you wouldn't know that until you read the questions and realized you knew the answers.
You'd always win in fights, provided you actually would beat your opponent anyway.

 

[Count groudon]

Breathing fire, but your throat and mouth aren’t immune to fire.

 

[Token Weeaboo]

The ability to sneeze pepper spray!

 

[Stephanie Bustcakes]

The ability to see through everything.

 

[Picklechu]

I never read them, but apparently, in the tie-in comics to Heroes, there was a guy whose superpower was that his body absorbed all sound. Basically, it did nothing but render him deaf and made him immune to one guy's power.

 

[ConfederateIrishman]

To be honest a lot of these powers would actually be useful if you get creative enough.


The power to understand a pop culture reference you didn't understand before, but only if you sacrifice a bodypart to do so (Hair and nails don't count).

 

[Krokodil Overdose]

To see only a second into the future. Basically get déjà vu anytime you'd like

That would actually be really useful in hand-to-hand combat. There's a manga character who has almost exactly that as a superpower.

 

[Varg Did Nothing Wrong]

The ability to grow your appendix back if it's ever removed.

The ability to make your body smell like sweat and garlic at any time you'd like.

 

[Overcast]

The ability to read minds, but you can only read your own mind.