Completely Useless Superpowers

Max Bemis wrote a pretty meh comic called "The Worst X-Man Ever" about a mutant who has the power to explode, but only once and then he's dead lol. So basically suicide bomber powers.
 
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The ability to reverse the contents of your bladder and colon, to literally piss shit and shit piss.
 
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I wanna say turn yourself blind or deaf but they have benefits for sleeping, so I'm going to go with:

The ability to become illiterate.
 
DrJonesHat said:
The ability to know the ending of any show/movie you haven't watched yet when you acquire the power, effectively spoiling everything for you for the rest of your life.
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If this applies to TV series that are just made

>Acquire power
>Request someone makes documentary about future event
>You now know the future

Also reminder to everyone that a useless superpower isn't a monkeys paw wish. "Ability to give yourself aids" is not a superpower, nor is anything minimal with some stupid downside. A useless superpower is something that is inherently a superpower, so it does something a normal human can't do, its useless not harmful.

Good way to tell if you are thinking of a monkeys paw wish is if your idea is "x but y" and y is harmful to you, and if you don't even have a y but x sucks.
 
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>The ability to change your gender at will, but it will be minimal and you always have legit gender dysphoria. If you are a man and switch to a woman, you then feel like you belong in a mans body and vice versa.
>To have an unending erection. It never goes down, doesn't matter what you do. If you are a female, replace that with unending periods, and menopause doesn't save you here.
 
MasterDisaster said:
5) You can fart hard enough to create ripples in time.
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I think this would be a worthwhile superpower just for the bragging rights.

My useless superpower would be a literal spider sense as in you can sense when there is a spider in the same room as you.
 
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  • Being able to conjure water at will, but it comes from your lungs
  • Being able to sense when pasta being cooked has just went over al dente
  • Being able to speak in any language, so long as it's not the primary one(s) in the country you're currently in
  • Vision that shows you residual semen glowing in the style of a blacklight; you cannot turn it off
 
You immediately know what color underwear (if any) the person you're talking to is wearing.
 
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shasetoma. said:
  • Being able to speak in any language, so long as it's not the primary one(s) in the country you're currently in
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Can totally crack Navajo code talkers and win the war for the Japs.

  • Vision that shows you residual semen glowing in the style of a blacklight; you cannot turn it off
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Best unsolved rape investigator of all time.
 
The ability to know what will happen in the next week...

...by shitting a newspaper at will that details the events in printed Sentinelese.
 
The ability to read the minds of animals, but of course, it’d be a nonsensical language. Your brain can’t translate their gibberish, and you are slowly driven insane.
 
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The ability to teleport into space.

But you can't bring anything with you.

So you're basically naked in space and you die.
 
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