Coping with a breakup thread - Help.

[Sparkletor 2.0]

Did she know you frequent a website that makes fun of mentally handicapped people, gays, and says the nigger word? Sometimes that can be a deal breaker.

 

[Mike Patton Official]

Be sad for a couple days, then reflect on what you could've done better in the relationship. And then apply those changes to your life now, while single. You're allowed to feel sad but don't let it consume you for too long, you're still young and it won't be too hard to find some nice girl, as long as you work on yourself and don't act like a crybaby 2+ weeks after the breakup.


You're going to be okay.

 

[grump]

I don't know what to do. I fucking love that bitch. I'm so sad and she won't tell me why she doesn't' love me anymore. I don't understand. What do I do to cope? I'm fucking struggling.

What helped. Or at least what I think helped a little is to get over oneitis and see women as interchangeable which sounds harsh but may actually be closer to reality then the delusion many men live in. Of course there are better and worse classes of women but as good as you think you got or or as bad as you think you got it there are probably millions more just like her. Before you think I'm being sexist this also applies to men more or less. The idea that you found your one and only best match out of the whole world is almost always bullshit. And the proof is that as you indicated she treated you like shit. Even if your perfect soulmate did exist. The girl whose stacked to the tens, would make Helen of Troy cry with her beauty, and would blow whatever girl you're currently worshipping out of the water into outer space with how perfectly she completes and elevates you to the the heavens. Your actual one true other half probably is in Turkey or Germany or some other random place or random time in the past or future and you two will live out your life never having crossed paths. So chin up plenty of fish as good or better in the sea almost certainly. However you can't get decent girls period then maybe you're actually screwed.

 

[Rembrandt]

Do what my friend did and set a bouquet of flowers on fire, then randomly send it to your contacts on Facebook.

 

[Blasterisk]

What do I do to cope?

Maybe I shouldn't effortpost, maybe you're sincere, and maybe those two things aren't mutually exclusive.

The problem with breakups is that our brain chemicals expect there to be a cliff underneath where they're walking, and then, oh, it isn't there anymore. The thing is, in this case, the fall can't kill you, and although you may leave a coyote-shaped cutout in the canyon floor, you'll be fine after a while. This is provable by a simple fact: you were not your 'self' because of who you loved, and without her, you may be different but you will not be less.

Other people are good to have around, humans are social creatures, but they can't make you more than what you are -- or more than you make yourself. Your future plans are not truly known to me, but they probably would not have gone the way you hoped with a girl who wasn't 100% onboard; I mean to say that you might not have lost anything more than you might have, but you may have lost less, earlier. Only you can know the difference, but in my mind, what happened might not be all to the bad.

tl;dr you'll be fine

Spoiler: James 1:5 ESV

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

 

[Lovely Kin]

You miss the times you had and you move on. That's what I did with my ex. You'll be fine as long you don't ponder too much and try living in the past.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

Sounds like you could use a drink.

 

[Bogan]

Her friend pulled her away and told me that it was over.

This detail sticks out to me. My conspiracy theorist brain makes me think her friend(s) convinced her to break things off.

 

[Chicha Drinker]

You will never be content if you put your happiness onto someone else. Romantic love being gone is not the end of the world, as it is only one of the many types of love that still surround you, even if you dont think they do.
(From Google b/c lazy):

Forms of Love:
Eros:
This is the passionate, romantic love often associated with sexual desire and physical attraction.

Philia:
This represents affectionate, brotherly love, often found in friendships and companionable relationships.

Storge:
This describes familial love, especially the affection between parents and children.

Agape:
This is the selfless, unconditional love, often used in a religious context to describe the love of God or the love one should extend to all people.

Seek and explore these other forms of love while your heart heals from this blow, and youll be better for it.

 

[Jive]

This detail sticks out to me. My conspiracy theorist brain makes me think her friend(s) convinced her to break things off.

A man should never place blame outside of himself. Her and her friends never did anything wrong. I love her, but she loves me, not and that's not her fault. I believe I did something wrong but I really don't know what and she can't or won't tell me, herself. She just fell out of love. I can't explain it and it makes it even harder to cope with. Especially when I still see her around town.

 

[SauceRyuKen]

You have free time now. Normally just work out, but really, whatever you want to do with your time that is productive and isn't doomscrolling will work great. Relationships have a lot of pros, but they also take up a lot of your time. Easy to get flabby and outta shape. You're 27, so it's semi-serious at worst. Not to be a dick but if you were planning to have kids with her and she just plum gone run outta love, with absolutely no explanation, you were more into her than she was into you. I assume you weren't living together. You just made out like a thief- Imagine if she ran outta love with the mortgage signed, or the first kid on the way. Or twenty-five years into the future, with the kid in college, she had some time to soul-search and found out she really was a lesbian all along!

Realistically, you should be grateful that she broke things off now before it got to any of the points of no return. It could have been an absolute shitshow.

You're gonna have another girl within the year if you look at all, my guy. Bookmark this post.

(Realistically someone might look up breakup advice and find this thread in a not-shitposting manner, so hey, legit advice. Now for the fun part.)

Spoiler: Gud Advais

Troon out. Become the girlfriend. 41% within a year.

 

[Lapsus of the bepsus]

A man should never place blame outside of himself. Her and her friends never did anything wrong. I love her, but she loves me not and that's not her fault. I believe I did something wrong but I really don't know what and she can't tell me, herself. She just fell out of love. I can't explain it and it makes it even harder to cope with. Especially when I still see her around in my town.

youre wrong. "i dont love you anymore" and refusing to elaborate is usually bullshit speak for "i dont wanna tell you because it would make me feel bad". maybe she doesnt actually want to have kids and was trying to play along until she realized she cant and now shes too embarrassed to admit it to you, maybe she suddenly has strong feelings for another guy and even though that doesnt mean shes cheating on you it could be forcing her to reevaluate your relationship, maybe the whole idea of settling down is scary to her. it could be any one of a million reasons that have little to nothing to do with you. yes it is possible that she thinks you did something wrong or just doesnt have strong feelings for you anymore but thats not an excuse to refuse to communicate with you. you dont just dump someone after 4 years and planning kids with them without telling them why.

you recognizing this as the truth that it is isnt placing the blame on her, its freeing yourself of this grand nebulous accusation that you can never properly defend yourself from because shes keeping the real truth a secret from you. and tbh getting her friends to play messenger and keep you separate rather than being honest with you is objectively pathetic behavior on her part. i would bet my left nut she told her friend whats really going on but not you. you yourself said this relationship had lasted for a while and was getting really serious so its unfair to yourself to make it seem like it only took a mistake on your part to end it. you deserve better from her than this bullshit after being with her for so many years.

shit sucks man, i know its hard not to try to introspect and figure out what you think you did wrong, but now is not the time, right now you need to get used to the past being the past. when you get surgery for an injury, you dont take off your bandages and pick apart the bloody wound to figure out what the surgeon did to you, thats self harming behavior and insane. you gotta wait for it to heal and only then check out the results. you might be pleasantly surprised even.

 

[Jive]

Not to be a dick but if you were planning to have kids with her and she just plum gone run outta love, with absolutely no explanation, you were more into her than she was into you. I assume you weren't living together.

I hope not. I like to think she loved me not very long ago. We did live together in the past but I kicked her out bc I was immature and stressed. I've been regretting it and chasing her ever since but it seems like I have to face the facts that I dropped the ball and lost the love of my life.

 

[C. G. B. Spender]

Follow the three step program:
1) fly to Bangkok
2) bang some hookers
3) do coke

 

[Feline Supremacist]

You did your best, that's all you can do. No one knows what motivates people to break things off other than the person who initiated it. It could be totally her or someone else may have encouraged her, but that doesn't make it easier for you. You need answers, and maybe you will, at some point, learn why she left. Some people need to make things overly complicated and dramatic to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior; fear, cowardice and guilt can all contribute to a refusal to explain their decision to end it. You have to accept that she may never tell you why but you do need closure. You need to distance yourself, cease all contact and work on yourself.

Edit: So you dropped the ball? Troll's remorse lol

 

[Lapsus of the bepsus]

I hope not. I like to think she loved me not very long ago. We did live together in the past but I kicked her out bc I was immature and stressed. I've been regretting it and chasing her ever since but it seems like I have to face the facts that I dropped the ball and lost the love of my life.

shit nigga come on. you really had me believing that you had no idea at all what you couldve possibly have done wrong.
yeah moving in with someone you wanna have kids with and then kicking them out is indeed pretty alarming behavior that would have me questioning if i really wanna risk pledging my whole life and future to you

 

[Xev]

Maybe this: I fucking love that bitch

 

[oldTireWater]

Look at the bright side, some day you'll look back on this thread and cringe, but it's not today.

 

[Jive]

Edit: So you dropped the ball? Troll's remorse lol

Yes. We lived together for two years. But I was immature and couldn't handle her "nagging" or "demands". I was a fucking child and I've been chasing for her approval ever since. Now when I see her at the club, she lies and says her friend has a sprained ankle just to leave the scene and do anything else but look at me. I really don't know what happened. I've been clawing and tearing away at her heart to try to have her feel some way she did in the past. We went on vacation together just last month. It was a great time clubbing in a big city and camping just outside of it. Just last month she was mixing our faces together with ai to see what our children would look like. I don't know what changed. As far as I know she hasn't loved me for only a month but she tells me it's been a long time coming. It's whiplash. I thought things were good. We were about to get a house together and rekindle things. Now in the last month that's all gone. Idk what to do, I think I'm going to have to move cities to cope.

 

[Feline Supremacist]

Yes. We lived together for two years. But I was immature and couldn't handle her "nagging" or "demands". I was a fucking child and I've been chasing for her approval ever since. Now when I see her at the club, she lies and says her friend has a sprained ankle just to leave the scene and do anything else but look at me. I really don't know what happened. I've been clawing and tearing away at her heart to try to have her feel some way she did in the past. We went on vacation together just last month. It was a great time clubbing in a big city and camping just outside of it. Just last month she was mixing our faces together with ai to see what our children would look like. I don't know what changed. As far as I know she hasn't loved me for only a month but she tells me it's been a long time coming. It's whiplash. I thought things were good. We were about to get a house together and rekindle things. Now in the last month that's all gone. Idk what to do, I think I'm going to have to move cities to cope.

Well, you can give is a shot and say "I’m not looking to argue or reconnect, but I do need clarity on what happened. I respect your decision but I need to hear the truth". It's simple and non judgemental. You sound super emotional right now so I'd give it some time before approaching her.