Coping with a breakup thread - Help.

[Masturbator]

you should stop bashing yourself and look into finding actually loving woman

 

[Travoltron]

Some good advice here. Cut her completely out of your life. Women don't bail on a relationship without a backup plan. She already has someone else in mind, if not in her bed.

Learn from your mistakes, but do not wallow in them.

It's fine to give yourself some time to mourn, but don't overdo it. Maybe a week or two. You're already 27 and you can't waste your scant remaining youth sulking. You have to get back out there on the dating scene ASAP.

 

[RollerGator]

I'm so sad and she won't tell me why she doesn't' love me anymore.

I fucked her

 

[Aiōn]

Everything happens for a reason, and even if it is hard to see how it will all work out at first, it will.

In a few years when you are happy in a new relationship, you might even be glad that this all happened.

 

[Feline Supremacist]

Women don't bail on a relationship without a backup plan.

Men too. Cunts are cunts, regardless of sex.

 

[W00K #17]

Go fishing somewhere.

Not some gay ass club so you can fuckin' go dancing, of course you saw her there, that's chick shit nigga.

 

[EzRolling]

Watch something comfortable for a bit. Pursue goals you had in mind and believe in your own capability. What was your (or shared) housing situation?

Just take your time to decompress and realize people can say long term things (like having kids) and then flake out on those terms. And that is fucking brutal if you were the person to still believe in those things but changing the persons mind after a flake out isn’t going to give you any closure or way forward.

How many relationships have you been in?

 

[Kamway]

1: You're not going to feel like shit for anywhere near as long as you think.
2 : Focus on yourself - fitness, success etc. Yourself & your actions are the only thing you have any control over in life. Live like it.
3: Be extremely careful because you are in the "make decisions that fuck the rest of my life up" stage.
Don't look for a new gf (yet), don't bang (impregnate) random whores to "show her", ABOVE ALL DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER. EVER. FOR ANY REASON.....EVER. You cannot go back to how it was no matter how much you want to.
4: You found out she wasn't "the one" before you did anything permanent (kids etc.) Congratulations on being way luckier than the vast majority of people.
You deserve way better from life than simping for what seems like averagewesternwoman.mp3. She thinks she can do better. She can't. It's not your problem.

 

[Großmann]

I had to break up with my first GF in college because her parents didn’t want her dating me for cultural reasons. Fast forward about 15 years and I recently discovered that she had a mental breakdown not long after we broke up, gotten married to some pudgy slob, had two kids, divorced, and now is as close to a hikkikimori as an American woman can get and doesn’t have custody of her children. Life for me is going well but she came out on the other end as bad as you can get it.

The point is, you will move on and do great things with great people if you want to and there’s probably a reason why you didn’t end up with her. Just make sure you weren’t the reason.

 

[Frostnipped Todger]

she won't tell me why she doesn't' love me anymore

Its irrelevant. Even if she did, you probably wouldn't hear it.

I once told a woman "you need to get a job, because I can't afford to support us both, or I'm leaving ", and then broke up with her three months later. When she asked why I said "because you refused to get a job, and I was on the verge of bankruptcy". Three months after that, she was still asking why I broke up with her.

It might be because you kicked her out, it might be because she just got over you, it might be because she fucked some dude at "the club", but why does it matter in the end?

 

[Feline Supremacist]

It might be because you kicked her out, it might be because she just got over you, it might be because she fucked some dude at "the club", but why does it matter in the end?

THIS right here. A real woman would have sat you down and said "Hey this is what want and/or need" like an adult, so you can work out any issues, or decide to break up, or whatever. Communication is a must in any serious relationship.

She may have been the cause of your unhappiness when she broke up with you, but overthinking it and trying to hold onto her has become the reason you're miserable right now. Until you let her go, physically, spiritually and mentally, you're going to stay miserable. That's why everyone is saying cease any and all contact with her; it's for your benefit, not hers.

 

[Frostnipped Todger]

Also, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

 

[Feline Supremacist]

Also, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Nah. Not saying you shouldn't if the opportunity presents itself but deliberately trying to forget someone that way never really works until you sever any emotional attachments with the ex.

Slight PL: I was stuck waiting for apology from someone who made a scene in front of our friends, which never came. It wasn't until I accepted it would never come that I understood that was exactly the closure I needed, and accepting it allowed me to let go and move on. By refusing to discuss the matter further she's made clear she's still trying to control you. Don't let her.

 

[Jive]

Thank you very much for your support and suggestions. It's embarrassing to make a public drunk post about a personal private manner but I do appreciate the help many of you have extended.

I've resolved to take up two new hobbies that I never got around to in the past. I've also not let my fear of seeing my ex in public keep me from going out.

Honestly, I'm scared for this weekend. I already bought tickets for a concert that we wanted to go together to this weekend. I still want to go to it but I'm worried to see her there and have it ruin my whole night. I've made a new friends this week and will bring them, along with a few other people I know, for support. I hope to be able to have a good night despite the proximity to her. Wish me luck. I can't stop trying to have fun even if I have to do it alone for now.

 

[Red Saltire]

Not sure if this has been said yet but DO NOT do anything gay. Do not write her emails or DMs or anything like that. Getting through a bad breakup without doing anything gay would be a huge victory.

 

[Red Saltire]

ok couple things, sorry for the double post

What makes a breakup painful is coming to terms with the fact that the image you have of this person you love and the reality of this person do not cohere. This person is not ACTUALLY the person you are in love with. Which is weird. The person you love has vanished in a sense because it was mostly constructed by you in your memory and the real person is now a strange imposter. As this realization unravels over the next 6 months to a year, you will be in a total emotional tailspin. It will be a sort of bell curve. The heartache is bad now, it will ramp up and get way worse here in a bit, then it will lose momentum and eventually stop. Be patient and give it the time it needs to stop. Don't worry, it really will subside. It just takes a ton of time.

I don't know what sort of relationship you think you will retain with this person, but you cannot, under really ANY circumstances, remain in ANY kind of contact with this person. Any contact with this person is going to be like drinking more booze to delay a hangover. Yeah you can avert the awful heartache feeling if you talk to her for 10 min, but that makes the inevitable hangover way worse. The ENTIRE breakup bell curve I described just restarts from square one. You need to look at the top of that heartache bell curve and resolve to kill that cocksucker. There's only one way over it and it's OVER it. Don't dilute yourself with any notions of "closure" or whatever.

I do not recommend fucking randoms. The adage "best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody" was not true in my experience. It made me way sadder lol.

When it's prudent, probably not right now, but in a little while, try to look back on the relationship with fresh eyes and think about what you could have done better. This is not a blame thing, but I think my latter relationships benefited from difficult lessons I leaned in earlier ones. It will be an opportunity to turn this negative experience into a positive one with another partner. Add that to the pile of other things about yourself that you aim to improve to be a better, more well-rounded person in general.

Keep your head up bro, you'll be alright.

 

[Dagoth AMOGUS]

@Jive

 

[Sneedium]

I want to give some advice outside of what everyone else has been saying (she's probably a whore, you're better off without her, she wasn't meant for you anyway, etc.)

Relationship dynamics are often not well understood by alot of people, myself included. I didn't have a good example of a healthy relationship growing up and I had to navigate my own relationships based on this limited understanding of how they work. As I've gotten older I like to think I have a better understanding of how it works.

Every relationship has a power dynamic, meaning there is usually someone who has more power than the other. This translates to: whoever is more emotionally invested in the relationship has the lower power position.

Most healthy relationships have the man slightly up in the power position, meaning he is the one who is deciding how the relationship will progress, and the woman is the one trying to get the man to signal commitment. This is why women will brush off men who signal commitment early (nice guy behavior) in favor of men who are more withdrawn/mysterious. You can't do this forever, obviously, because women will think that you don't care about them after a while, or that you are just playing them.

A man showing his commitment is a form of willfully forfeiting some of his power in the relationship dynamic to signal his attachment to the woman. This is why we get down on one knee to propose. This is why we write songs and do other gay shit for women. We are essentially trading our sense of emotional independence and freedom for a woman's security in the relationship.

The issue is that when someone feels too secure in a relationship, attraction can suffer as a result. Women will begin to pull away when a guy is too available, too vulnerable, etc. The guy will often try to close this distance and in the process, drive her even further away. She might point out things he is doing wrong, and he might correct these things, only for her to just find other reasons to push him away.

In the beginning of a relationship, there is an intense feeling called limerance. This is what drives people to fall in love with eachother during the first several months of a new relationship. Limerance is essentially 70% Hope + 30% Uncertainty. We are excited by the chance of being with a new person, but we simultaneously feel a sense of uncertainty about how it will play out.

The anticipation of being with someone new is tempered by the fear of it not working out, and it creates a cocktail of emotions that make the other person addictive in a sense. Without the uncertainty, the excitement naturally wanes as the relationship becomes more familiar and secure.

While this feeling naturally dissipates over time as a new relationship crystallizes into a partnership, it often returns after a breakup.

You are experiencing a form of limerance over the loss of your girlfriend. It's probably 70% Uncertainty + 30% Hope. She is probably all you can think about, and you probably feel like shit and have a hard time sleeping and eating. Part of you thinks it's over, and maybe a small part of you thinks she will come back.

Everyone in this thread has pointed to her recent behavior as evidence that she was never the one for you, and maybe she wasn't, but I bet when the relationship was good, and the dynamic was right, she was probably very lovely and good to you. You remember this version of her and have a hard time reconciling it with the version you're getting now. Your actions are being motivated by a fear of loss and logic, but the reality is that there isn't any text you can send that will make her change her mind at this time. Only your behavior after this will be a factor in whether or not you see her again.

The truth is, after a breakup, she has all the power in this dynamic. She feels strong because she's the one who walked away. She probably feels like she can get you back at any moment. She's probably right. She's feeling alot of relief right now, and that is being egged on by her girlfriends. Single women are known to pressure and encourage their friends to be single as well because it makes them feel better about themselves.

When we experience a sense of loss, we tend to reevaluate our relationships. Maybe you had a troubled relationship with a family member, but when they passed away, you still mourned them, and remembered the good times. This works with breakups as well. You probably remember all the good things about her more than the bad. This can work for you as well as for her.

The best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself. You won't be able to flip a switch and not give a shit about this girl anymore, and you are experiencing alot of grief, but if you can project strength, even if you don't feel it, that's the best effort you can make to either move on or get her back. Not begging, pleading, or any kind of grand gesture.

She might be seeing other dudes right now, or is even in another relationship. This could be a rebound, and if it is, it probably won't last. If she left you for another guy, it will more than likely not work out. If that's the case, I wouldn't take her back. If you try to convince her to come back or talk about the relationship while she is seeing someone else, you are making the other guy look good by comparison. You may have already done this, and that's okay, but you need to stop this immediately if so.

Don't text her, don't make efforts to communicate with her, and if you see her irl, just pretend she's an acquaintance and keep things short and sweet. If the relationship was meaningful, once she experiences that sense of loss of you (this will probably take months) she will probably start to wonder about you. She will probably reach out. She won't tell you that she misses you and wants you back, she'll probably just ask you how you are doing or wish you a happy birthday. She might ask if you want to be friends. Hell, she might even tell you about her new guy. At this point, she isn't sure if she wants you back, she just wants to see that she still has access to you. She is trying to determine her standing in the power dynamic.

When she does reach out, again, just treat her like a friend. Take a while to respond, be funny and relaxed, but don't try to use emotional language or bring up the relationship. When she notices that she doesn't have power over you like she once did, and she has lost access to you, she will probably start finding more random excuses to reach out to you. You will shift from the guy she dumped to the guy she let slip through her fingers.

More than likely, if you start seeing someone else, it will trigger that sense of loss in her that much more ("I thought you loved me, I thought you would wait for me") I've seen this happen irl dozens of times. Girl dumps guy, guy finds another girl, girl wants him back. The same shit happens with men breaking up with women too.

By pulling away and focusing on yourself, it's the best strategy to both move on from her and also get her back if that's what you want. You are putting yourself in the mindset that you don't need her and that makes you not only more attractive to her, but to other women and also yourself.

If for some reason she crashes out and tells you how much she loves and misses you, you might be inclined to just drive over to her place and kiss her in the rain or some other romantic shit. Don't.

Make her earn you back. Tell her you are open to see her again, and do something casual like coffee or a walk in the park. Remember the guy she fell for and be that guy again. Not just for her, but yourself. Take things slow and don't bring up the relationship unless she does. She will probably bring up the good memories and not the bad ones. This is a sign that she truly wants you again.

The most important thing to remember is that the real person you need to get back isn't your girlfriend, it's yourself. This will take time and effort, both of which will feel like they are in short supply to you. This isn't true. You might feel like there is only a small window to get her back, but that's not the case. You might not feel like going out and doing things, but as you do, you will feel better.

Best of luck brother. We have all been there before.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

I don't know what to do. I fucking love that bitch. I'm so sad and she won't tell me why she doesn't' love me anymore. I don't understand. What do I do to cope? I'm fucking struggling.

Go hang out with your friends more or hit up old friends you may not talk to much. Go keep yourself busy with activities. Crywank.

You will never be content if you put your happiness onto someone else. Romantic love being gone is not the end of the world, as it is only one of the many types of love that still surround you, even if you dont think they do.
(From Google b/c lazy):

Forms of Love:
Eros:
This is the passionate, romantic love often associated with sexual desire and physical attraction.

Philia:
This represents affectionate, brotherly love, often found in friendships and companionable relationships.

Storge:
This describes familial love, especially the affection between parents and children.

Agape:
This is the selfless, unconditional love, often used in a religious context to describe the love of God or the love one should extend to all people.

Seek and explore these other forms of love while your heart heals from this blow, and youll be better for it.

You left out the highest form of love, man-cat love.

 

[Party Hat Wurmple]

Make her earn you back.

Never take sloppy seconds. Even your own.