This is now chapter 20, Just Lean In. Nine to go, here we go.
Maybe at this point in the book you're saying to yourself right now "Wow, Ellen has had a lot of crushes and love interests throughout her life, and she's recounting them one by one in her book and it's starting to get a little annoying."
And you're right!
And this chapter is clearly not the exception to the rule, since with this chapter we begin to describe another crush in Ellen's life when she was young, it's not specified in the chapter when but I have to guess that here she talks about her years in high school. Also, this chapter has some strong sexual situations, and Ellen doesn't seem to have a problem describing her sexual encounters when she was in high school so I'll be careful about what I post here.
The name of her sweetheart this time? A ginger girl named Nikki. Was an instant crush for her, she felt in that first moment that she loved her.
So much in fact that she seemed to be "vibrating" by the sensation she was feeling at that moment, even trying to give a scientific explanation for it.
But she was so in love for her, even when Nikki was feeling that she can't defend for herself.
And after that, she was feeling that she needed to be a lot more closer to her. Sometimes to the point of acting a little bit cringe in front of her, laughing uncontrollably at her jokes, even the schizo voice had to tell her to chill the fuck out to her.
But even though she was feeling this level of infatuation towards someone, she still wanted to experiment with guys, because maybe there was a chance that maybe she likes guys and maybe she just hasn't tried it yet. And that's where she meets another guy, a charming looking one that she wanted to hook up with, or in her words, he just wanted to get his dick sucked.
And then she would describe some of the experiences in graphic detail.
He went to French classes with her, so he was probably French-Canadian, that was spending more time with her. She would reveal that even though her mother was bilingual, she never once spoke to her in French. Which she resented her for not teaching her in the first place to make things more easier to her to learn.
Then... he would pass a note to her in the middle of the class. Both of them saying in different periods of time "Can I go to the bathroom?" and the clueless teacher saying yes.
And then, le seggs happened, basically she admits in the book that she sucked his cock. Why the fuck would you write about that in your autobio? Only Ellen knows.
After that lovely reunion, she went to her class, but even after all of that, she only wanted to meet Nikki.
But even after going to these sexy sex time with this guy, she wasn't at all satisfied, and of course she maybe was thinking that this was a problem that everyone was facing at the same time, not only her.
But while she was thinking about this, she was feeling more and more closer to Nikki, almost like she was feeling the same way as her during that time.
During her birthday, she decided that she was gonna give her a gift, and not just any gift, but a card! What would that card contained you may ask? Well, something like a Valentine's Day card but with lesbian innuendos! She mercifully didn't gave any more details than that but just enough to make me scratch my forehead and sigh in second hand embarassment. She never even remember why did she do that, or maybe she knows and doesn't want to talk about it because of how cringe it is, and I say I can't blame her for that.
She read it, laughed a lot and then was given a book, probably the best possible outcome out of any of this.
Needless to say, just after she gave her the card is when the clarity kicked in and she felt extremely embarassed by it, absolutely mortified by what just happened. And then she recounts another time when she fell in love with a 30 year old woman and give her a CD full of covers made by her just to confess her love. Cringe all around.
But it seems that it was different time, because she and Nikki continued to be friends for a while. With Ellen feeling the she may be the only queer between the two.
She then remembers a lot of romantic times with her, when they saw a beautiful sunset together until the night came, and how they just looked at each other, such a special time between them.
There's also the mention of them going into a treehouse, one which Nikki's father built for her when she was a little kid, sadly the father died when she was 8.
In there, they were so close of getting together. So close, but Ellen chose not to advance with it. She just had to lean in. Can you imagine how uncomfortable would be seeing this in third person? Yuck.
According to Ellen, there were so many chances of getting in first base with her but she just chose not to do anything, and this would costly greatly after being such a little coward. The moment she was going to say anything, someone interrupted, this was the last time.
In that moment, everything fell apart shortly after, because once again, the evil
CIS MAN attacked once again, snatching another girl from her. Inviting her to prom and she saying yes was enough to break her tiny heart.
She obviously felt very heartbroken about it, even she wanted to say how much she loved her and they should go together to the prom, but again, she said absolutely nothing and to adding to that she imagined them kissing in which her jealousy just grow. In other words, she once again was cucked by another guy.
And the most tragic part? When they connected years later, she would confess to her that she would feel the same to her. How they were cheated out of their love, even though she HAD EVERY CHANCE TO CHOOSE everytime the opportunity arised, but it was too late to getting another opportunity this later in life, and more when Ellen is now a mutilated dood.
In a bittersweet ending to this chapter, it ends with the letter that Ellen send to her in that card and book, many years after it happened.
The cringe I felt reading this chapter is remarkable, and such a cautionary tale about having crushes. Moral of the story, spill your guts out to her and tell her how you feel, tell her, you fucking pussy! Before it's too late, don't be like Ellen.
