FATAL 2: The Fataling

[AnOminous]

Hippo starts yelling "REMOVE LEMBAS REMOVE LEMBAS!"

 

[Randall Fragg]

 

[ActualKiwi]

Stupid shit holds his weapon and charges at the nearest wizard, swinging his footman's warhammer 1handed at the lowest fulcrum point (5) as many times as he can in a turn (gets +1 attack per round from investing >30 points in the weapon specific skill for it, and he has Weapon Mastery with this weapon- double GG range, halved fumble range)..so err..2 attacks each round since its an SA weapon
Rolls...Hell this is complex. Since it's an SA weapon... Each attack will have a..TH? of 3d10+(((HEC*2)+Agil)/3)+bonuses from Weapons General & Specific.
So for me that would be 3d10+(((-6*2)-17)/3)+9 = 3d10+(((-12)-17)/3)+9 = 3d10+ (-29/3)+9= 3d10+(-10)+9= 3d10-1? I think?
And damage rolls for each attack would be base 3d10+2..with a fulcrum modifier of 0.95 (100-fulcrum of 5=95/100=0.95) and a modifier from strength of an additional 134% damage. So ((3d10+2)*0.95)*2.34 I think?
Do you want us to do our rolls to lessen the calculations on you, @Splendid Meat Sticks ?

 

[Splendid]

Do you want us to do our rolls to lessen the calculations on you, @Splendid Meat Sticks ?

That's very kind of you, and I'll take whatever I can get, but nobody should feel obligated if they don't understand what's going on.

 

[ActualKiwi]

That's very kind of you, and I'll take whatever I can get, but nobody should feel obligated if they don't understand what's going on.

Hokay- Note I'm not entirely clear on Graphic Gore rolls, and would need to know the enemy's CA to check it (and add in my doubled GG range from Weapon Mastery) so I might leave that check to you, @Splendid Meat Sticks
Attack rolls:
Atk 1->Roll(3d10)-1=7,10,10,-1 Total:26 TH
Atk 2->Roll(3d10)-1=9,8,7,-1 Total:23 TH
Damage rolls:
Atk 1->Roll(3d10)+2=8,7,10,+2 SubTotal:27 *0.95=25.65*2.34= 60.021 (rounded to 60) damage
Atk 2->Roll(3d10)+2=10,6,7,+2 SubTotal:25 *0.95=23.75*2.34=55.575 (rounded to 56) damage

...Those elves are going to be very unhappy.
Thought about taking shrooms before this battle but I'd need to do at least 13 different stat changes and then work out how that affects combat..so I might leave that till next time.

 

[Caddchef]

Lazy-carcass hurrys to join the fray to help his hairy overweight ogre brethren, i'll swing my 2h club at any uunengaged target at fulcrum 10 while swearing on mi mum and hurling elf based insults at the wizards.

I also imply that they're virgins.

I tried to roll off for the results, but i fell into a prolonged coma due to mental stress, my stats are General 15, specific 21 trick 5 on hammers and clubs (again i think they're classes as in the same category).

 

[Burned Man]

Vlricus Shouts,"This one is for Ferguhold!" And tries to jam his magic dildo down the throat of an elven wizard.

 

[Splendid]

Stupid shit holds his weapon and charges at the nearest wizard, swinging his footman's warhammer 1handed at the lowest fulcrum point (5) as many times as he can in a turn (gets +1 attack per round from investing >30 points in the weapon specific skill for it, and he has Weapon Mastery with this weapon- double GG range, halved fumble range)..so err..2 attacks each round since its an SA weapon
Rolls...Hell this is complex. Since it's an SA weapon... Each attack will have a..TH? of 3d10+(((HEC*2)+Agil)/3)+bonuses from Weapons General & Specific.
So for me that would be 3d10+(((-6*2)-17)/3)+9 = 3d10+(((-12)-17)/3)+9 = 3d10+ (-29/3)+9= 3d10+(-10)+9= 3d10-1? I think?
And damage rolls for each attack would be base 3d10+2..with a fulcrum modifier of 0.95 (100-fulcrum of 5=95/100=0.95) and a modifier from strength of an additional 134% damage. So ((3d10+2)*0.95)*2.34 I think?
Do you want us to do our rolls to lessen the calculations on you, @Splendid Meat Sticks ?

Hokay- Note I'm not entirely clear on Graphic Gore rolls, and would need to know the enemy's CA to check it (and add in my doubled GG range from Weapon Mastery) so I might leave that check to you, @Splendid Meat Sticks
Attack rolls:
Atk 1->Roll(3d10)-1=7,10,10,-1 Total:26 TH
Atk 2->Roll(3d10)-1=9,8,7,-1 Total:23 TH
Damage rolls:
Atk 1->Roll(3d10)+2=8,7,10,+2 SubTotal:27 *0.95=25.65*2.34= 60.021 (rounded to 60) damage
Atk 2->Roll(3d10)+2=10,6,7,+2 SubTotal:25 *0.95=23.75*2.34=55.575 (rounded to 56) damage

...Those elves are going to be very unhappy.
Thought about taking shrooms before this battle but I'd need to do at least 13 different stat changes and then work out how that affects combat..so I might leave that till next time.

Alright, you hit your target twice. The first time, you hit his upper left leg. Their femus is fractured and temporarily useless. They now have -30% Bodily Attractiveness and -50% Agility. You then hit them there again, but you don't get Graphic Gore. This is enough to instantly kill the poor elf, despite only having his femur broken!

Lazy-carcass hurrys to join the fray to help his hairy overweight ogre brethren, i'll swing my 2h club at any uunengaged target at fulcrum 10 while swearing on mi mum and hurling elf based insults at the wizards.

I also imply that they're virgins.

I tried to roll off for the results, but i fell into a prolonged coma due to mental stress, my stats are General 15, specific 21 trick 5 on hammers and clubs (again i think they're classes as in the same category).

So first, we take your Hand-Eye Coordination * 2 + your agility, and divide that by 3, giving us -31. Then we take your skills, which give us +36. So your initial modifier is +5. We also roll 1d100 and get a 53, so your hit, if any, will land on your target's upper torso. You didn't specify a specific weapon trick, so it doesn't apply here. A Great Club is 36-48" long. I went with the shortest length. It's also 4 lbs. So we multiply 36*4*0.60 (the weapon's Weight Distribution) and get 86.4 for Result A. Your Fulcrum Point is 5. 5-100/100 is -0.95. This is Result B. Result A * Result B divided by 2 is -41.04. This is result C. Your Strength is 473, which is greater than -41.04, so you can wield the weapon one-handed in the future if you want. In fact, you can wield it effectively too, since your Strength is more than 1.5 * Result C. Result D is Result C * 0.75 (-31.07). Result F is Result D * 1.5 (-46.605). Your Delivery Penalty is therfore -46.605. This is high enough to automatically hit once. In fact, it's basically impossible for you to miss anyone unless they're wearing a ton of armor or you somehow roll 3 on a 3d10 roll (which is very, very uncommon.) You do 3d8 damage, so you hit for 17. This isn't enough to kill your target.
Also, you can't say all of that in one combat round. You have a -21 to your Enunciation (your absolute maximum words per minute is 140.) A 3d10 roll gives you a 7, and 7-21 is -14. So instead, you're just tongue tied.

Vlricus Shouts,"This one is for Ferguhold!" And tries to jam his magic dildo down the throat of an elven wizard.

I'll have to treat this as a wrestling attempt I guess. You roll a 3d10 and get 15. Your target gets 19. The average of your Strength and Agility modifiers is +3. The Elf has a -26. So instead of doing what you want to do, you get to roll on the big ass wrestling chart and you get a suplex. You lift the elf over your head and throw them behind you. He lands on his back and takes 1 (1d20) damage.

If I'm anywhere nearby, or hear anything, I just run at the closest thing I can club and swing it at the fulcrum 1 (however that works) and using 30 general skill and 30 specific weapon skill and 35 whatever the "bedazzle foes and onlookers" thing does.

Since I'm not sure what the rolls mean but think 3d10 is required, first roll is 16. If another is for that weapon trick thing, the second is 5. If the damage roll is 4d12+4 and I caused any, the roll for that is 34. Plus I have Weapon Mastery so there's whatever effect that has on Graphic Gore and whatever. I wanna see brains and shit.

ETA: Changed fulcrum back to original even though I might have picked the wrong number. Go with the original since I had already rolled when I changed it.

You're not close enough right off the bat, but one turn of running does bring you into the fight. You can act next turn.

One Elf hits @Burned Man with Bestow Allergy. He fails his Health check (3d10-6=1 vs. 1 You are now allergic to all mammals within 16 feet of you. And that's ALL mammals. You are now allergic to yourself.

@AnOminous is targeted by the other Elf with Charm to Subject. This spell actually has a historical reference included right in the text! Suddenly, hundreds of mules emerge from nowhere and begin to trample AnOminous and only AnOminous, and they will continue to do so until the wizard dies, has his concentration broken, or an amulet is removed from his sandal.

 

[ActualKiwi]

Alright, you hit your target twice. The first time, you hit his upper left leg. Their femus is fractured and temporarily useless. They now have -30% Bodily Attractiveness and -50% Agility. You then hit them there again, but you don't get Graphic Gore. This is enough to instantly kill the poor elf, despite only having his femur broken!

So first, we take your Hand-Eye Coordination * 2 + your agility, and divide that by 3, giving us -31. Then we take your skills, which give us +36. So your initial modifier is +5. We also roll 1d100 and get a 53, so your hit, if any, will land on your target's upper torso. You didn't specify a specific weapon trick, so it doesn't apply here. A Great Club is 36-48" long. I went with the shortest length. It's also 4 lbs. So we multiply 36*4*0.60 (the weapon's Weight Distribution) and get 86.4 for Result A. Your Fulcrum Point is 5. 5-100/100 is -0.95. This is Result B. Result A * Result B divided by 2 is -41.04. This is result C. Your Strength is 473, which is greater than -41.04, so you can wield the weapon one-handed in the future if you want. In fact, you can wield it effectively too, since your Strength is more than 1.5 * Result C. Result D is Result C * 0.75 (-31.07). Result F is Result D * 1.5 (-46.605). Your Delivery Penalty is therfore -46.605. This is high enough to automatically hit once. In fact, it's basically impossible for you to miss anyone unless they're wearing a ton of armor or you somehow roll 3 on a 3d10 roll (which is very, very uncommon.) You do 3d8 damage, so you hit for 17. This isn't enough to kill your target.
Also, you can't say all of that in one combat round. You have a -21 to your Enunciation (your absolute maximum words per minute is 140.) A 3d10 roll gives you a 7, and 7-21 is -14. So instead, you're just tongue tied.

I'll have to treat this as a wrestling attempt I guess. You roll a 3d10 and get 15. Your target gets 19. The average of your Strength and Agility modifiers is +3. The Elf has a -26. So instead of doing what you want to do, you get to roll on the big ass wrestling chart and you get a suplex. You lift the elf over your head and throw them behind you. He lands on his back and takes 1 (1d20) damage.

You're not close enough right off the bat, but one turn of running does bring you into the fight. You can act next turn.

One Elf hits @Burned Man with Bestow Allergy. He fails his Health check (3d10-6=1 vs. 1 You are now allergic to all mammals within 16 feet of you. And that's ALL mammals. You are now allergic to yourself.

@AnOminous is targeted by the other Elf with Charm to Subject. This spell actually has a historical reference included right in the text! Suddenly, hundreds of mules emerge from nowhere and begin to trample AnOminous and only AnOminous, and they will continue to do so until the wizard dies, has his concentration broken, or an amulet is removed from his sandal.

Stupid-Shit gets angry, screams a bloodcurdling warcry (intimidate roll on the elves to scare them:
Roll(3d10)=10,10,5=Total:25 plus..bloody unclear book. I have an intimidate skill of 30 if that helps calculate this) and attacks the elf casting the stampede on @AnOminous .
Edit: Same fulcrum as before, same calculations.
TH1=
Roll(3d10)-1=3,10,9,-1 Total:21
TH2=
Roll(3d10)-1=9,7,4,-1 Total:19
DMG1=
Roll(3d10)+2=5,10,7,+2= SubTotal:24 *0.95=22.8*2.34=53.352(rounded to 53) damage
DMG2=
Roll(3d10)+2=7,3,10,+2= SubTotal:22 *0.95=20.9*2.34=48.906 (rounded to 49) damage

 

[AnOminous]

Since I'm not sure whether that kills him in time before I'm trampled by mules, if I'm still at a distance running, I throw the gun right at the elf wizard.

If that's moot then I just charge the nearest elf with Thumper at the lowest fulcrum point (highest damage).

If that elf is still alive when I act next, though, I swing Thumper with the highest fulcrum point to maximize chance of hitting.

Let me know if I should reroll. Or just reroll for me. Or go with my original action depending, your call.

Shouting while approaching: "YOU ARE THE ELF IDIOT YOU ARE THE ELF SMELL"

 

[Caddchef]

I'm happy to assume that all my shouting comes out as series of incoherent yelps, i'll hit the wizard again (can i duel weild my club and hammer or will that require a scientist) and then if i have enough time i'll shout at the nearest surviving elf and try and intimidate him.

 

[Burned Man]

Vlricus sneezes and ignores his watery eyes to draw his bastard sword. He attempts to make a hacking attack at the elf he suplexed. With a Fulcrum of 7 out 5-15 for 3d12+1 damage.
He has a 45 skill mod with it.
He is also using it one handed, I don't know if this is necessary information.

 

[Splendid]

Stupid-Shit gets angry, screams a bloodcurdling warcry (intimidate roll on the elves to scare them:
Roll(3d10)=10,10,5=Total:25 plus..bloody unclear book. I have an intimidate skill of 30 if that helps calculate this) and attacks the elf casting the stampede on @AnOminous .
Edit: Same fulcrum as before, same calculations.
TH1=
Roll(3d10)-1=3,10,9,-1 Total:21
TH2=
Roll(3d10)-1=9,7,4,-1 Total:19
DMG1=
Roll(3d10)+2=5,10,7,+2= SubTotal:24 *0.95=22.8*2.34=53.352(rounded to 53) damage
DMG2=
Roll(3d10)+2=7,3,10,+2= SubTotal:22 *0.95=20.9*2.34=48.906 (rounded to 49) damage

Good try, but being intimidated doesn't actually break one's concentration. On the other hand, killing them does. You kill one elf with your first hit, but your second one misses. AnOminous is no longer being trampled.

Since I'm not sure whether that kills him in time before I'm trampled by mules, if I'm still at a distance running, I throw the gun right at the elf wizard.

If that's moot then I just charge the nearest elf with Thumper at the lowest fulcrum point (highest damage).

If that elf is still alive when I act next, though, I swing Thumper with the highest fulcrum point to maximize chance of hitting.

Let me know if I should reroll. Or just reroll for me. Or go with my original action depending, your call.

Shouting while approaching: "YOU ARE THE ELF IDIOT YOU ARE THE ELF SMELL"

It would actually take you around 7 combat turns (24 seconds) of pure trampling to actually die. There aren't really any rules for throwing random shit, but I'll give you a point of damage on the last standing elf. Your club attack automatically hits too, and you crack the last elf's skull wide open.

I'm happy to assume that all my shouting comes out as series of incoherent yelps, i'll hit the wizard again (can i duel weild my club and hammer or will that require a scientist) and then if i have enough time i'll shout at the nearest surviving elf and try and intimidate him.

You're actually strong and skilled enough to dual wield both of those with no real penalty and get auto-hits most of the time. (I'm gonna have to crank up the difficulty on these enemies.) You slay the final elf.

Vlricus sneezes and ignores his watery eyes to draw his bastard sword. He attempts to make a hacking attack at the elf he suplexed. With a Fulcrum of 7 out 5-15 for 3d12+1 damage.
He has a 45 skill mod with it.
He is also using it one handed, I don't know if this is necessary information.

There are no more elves to kill, sorry!

Alright, now the Glorious People's Revolutionary Dwarven People's Defense Force is marching in your direction, angry that you killed their trading partners. You can try to fight them, or flee. There's 250 of them, and they're all wearing full plate mail and have other Dwarven shit (you fill in the blanks, I'm sure you know what to expect from a huge army of dwarves.)

 

[ActualKiwi]

Time to run. Stupid-Shit loots anything he can carry from the corpses and legs it out of the fortress away from the GPRDPDF (Just as a note here- Stupid-Shit can apparently carry up to 887.3 [I'm assuming pounds] before he's at max burden)

 

[Burned Man]

Vlricus turns to his brother dwarves, " Thank the stone you showed up. These Elves were about to rape all our women. They also said that our metalworking was sub-par and that our beards were ugly. Can you believe that? At least they had the decency to leave all this free stuff around for the taking." He motions to the caravans hoping the GPRDPDF is as greedy as he is.

 

[AnOminous]

Pick up the gun again and grab anything that looks immediately grabbable before fleeing, presumably with the rest of these guys.

Fuck these dwarves. We help them out like this and this is our thanks?

Hippo the subterranean troll yells over his back as he flees "U MAD BRO? U JELLY?"

 

[Caddchef]

Rather thank waste time looting when he should be running lazy-carcass grabs the closest elf corpse and legs it, he will loot it at his convenience when we are safe... and if anyone wants to use it later that's cool too.

 

[ActualKiwi]

Rather thank waste time looting when he should be running lazy-carcass grabs the closest elf corpse and legs it, he will loot it at his convenience when we are safe... and if anyone wants to use it later that's cool too.

Good idea. Stupid-shit shoulders two corpses after strapping his hammer to his back rather than looting right there.

 

[Splendid]

Time to run. Stupid-Shit loots anything he can carry from the corpses and legs it out of the fortress away from the GPRDPDF (Just as a note here- Stupid-Shit can apparently carry up to 887.3 [I'm assuming pounds] before he's at max burden)

Fatal doesn't say what the unit is either, so I'll go with pounds.

Vlricus turns to his brother dwarves, " Thank the stone you showed up. These Elves were about to rape all our women. They also said that our metalworking was sub-par and that our beards were ugly. Can you believe that? At least they had the decency to leave all this free stuff around for the taking." He motions to the caravans hoping the GPRDPDF is as greedy as he is.

The Dwarven army is angry! They're not going to take your shit! You can run or try to fight them. If you run, you still have time to swipe some loot.

Pick up the gun again and grab anything that looks immediately grabbable before fleeing, presumably with the rest of these guys.

Fuck these dwarves. We help them out like this and this is our thanks?

Hippo the subterranean troll yells over his back as he flees "U MAD BRO? U JELLY?"

Ok

Rather thank waste time looting when he should be running lazy-carcass grabs the closest elf corpse and legs it, he will loot it at his convenience when we are safe... and if anyone wants to use it later that's cool too.

Ok

Good idea. Stupid-shit shoulders two corpses after strapping his hammer to his back rather than looting right there.

Ok

Everyone who's run with stuff gets 50 GP, their choice of one suit of dwarven or elven armor, and their choice of one non-magical weapon. AnOminous gets to keep the gun. Everyone who's running has a choice: they can head through a forest or run down along the coast. The way straight forward is blocked by a huge mountain range that you could also attempt to summit.

 

[Burned Man]

Vlricus notices the Dwarves are just as angry as they were before. He Shakes his head, grabs a few trinkets, and runs away trailing behind the others.

Let this be a lesson, diplomacy never works.