How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

@LatinasAreTheFuture
So I’ve always wondered why my abuse is seen as my fault.
Click to expand...
It isn't. And it's not necessarily that people see it as your fault, so much as others not wanting to see it as their responsibility.

It took me a long time to accept that nobody owes me love or respect or a relationship. Not even that the universe makes it up to you when you've been hurt that it owes you something for bad shit happening to you that isn't your fault. I'm not that person of extraordinary talent that there was some karmic usefulness in me not having relationships like everyone else.

Now, I've been on both sides of the relationship in that regard. I've been the one that needs to be "fixed" and I've been the one doing the "fixing". Neither is particularly healthy. You just have to find someone that doesn't need fixing, and you don't be the one that needs to be fixed either.

In fact, my theory is that there is a metaphysical bank account where if you're stuck in a situation, you're not likely to get out. If you're already paying overdraft fees, you're probably going to keep paying them. Same way with relationships: if you're not seeded with good relationships in the first place, you're not going to do any better going forward.

Anyway, I hope you get some peace and things stabilize for you, and I don't want to be a downer. Maybe things will be better for you than they are for me. For what it's worth, I don't think I'm the example; most people see that I came from extraordinarily bad circumstances (I've met dysfunctional people that raise their eyebrows about shit that happened to me), so I have hope that things might change course for you.
 
  • Like
  • Feels
Reactions: .iota., anustart76, dick brain and 1 other person
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I'm stressed for a lot of reasons right now.
But I am grateful every time I come on here to have a retard job and not have entered tech. Jesus christ, you guys go through some shit.
Yeah, I'll never make over 60k a year at this rate but I get to call my coworkers retards and faggots, I have a flexible schedule, and get to shoot the shit with similar people. I'm kind of happy just to have that sometimes.
Click to expand...
Entering the tech field on the academia side of things has been one of the best and worst things to happen to me. Worst because there's no one to really talk to and it's the typical gay workroom "friendship" shit that everyone forces themselves to participate in. Best because I feel a sense of purpose from it and I have a good advisor in addition to an interesting project I'm working on. So the struggles of socialization are outweighed by my desire to be a better researcher.

Sniperwoof said:
Contrary to my abrasive, sarcastic, and racist persona online I'm usually actually a very compliant peace and love hippy kind of guy irl.

On the advice of my friends I've adopted a far more cold, aggressive, and arrogant persona in my personal and professional life and in the past year I've been promoted twice at my corpo job and even been getting more attention from girls lately.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy but at the same time I'm dismayed at just how much of your soul you have to give up to succeed. I'm not sure how to feel atm.
Click to expand...
Shit like this fundamentally makes me sick of most people. As much as I don't want to believe it, most people are fake (not in the sense of having a filter where they process their real emotions to be tame and courteous, but they just put up an all out front that doesn't match who they really are inside) and don't want to be at least moderately real with others about themselves. Everyone is wears a mask that is a blatant contrast to who they really are in order to get ahead. On my good faith, I can't say this about everyone. There are people that are genuine and kind and I appreciate the ones that I've met. But ont the whole, most people are so psychically damaged and unwilling to fix themselves, it's not worth the effort trying to care too much about people outside the ones you truly know and love. It really makes sense why the world is fucked up but at least I can do something to make sure I don't contribute to it as much.
 
  • Agree
Reactions: .iota. and anustart76
I should probably call my more religious dad tomorrow as every time I've talked to him I had a stroke of good luck within hours, but I'm afraid that if my hypothesis is correct I won't be able to handle the philosophical implications.
 
  • Thunk-Provoking
  • Like
Reactions: anustart76 and (((I am NOT a jew)))
Nicholas II of Russia said:
I broke up with my girlfriend after six years of relationship. This is one of the most horrible pains in my entire life and I will not recover from this for a very long time.

Take care of your loved ones, Kiwibros, don't make the same mistakes I did, love your partner and treat her or him like the respect he or she deserves. Love them, tell them how much you mean to them. It will make lots of improvements on the situation, believe me.

For me, I'm considering starting drinking or wanting to end it all. I don't know, time will tell I guess. I became lonely and single again, and I think this will be like that for a long, long time.
Click to expand...
I went through exactly this over the past six months or so. Advice:
1) don't start drinking or end it all
2) focus on identifying the parts of yourself that contributed to the decline of the relationship -- by your own assessment; consider the criticism of others but question it, both whether it's true and whether it's something you yourself want to change. Once you've identified them, really work on them. Commit to learning from this, and not making the same mistakes.
3) focus on identifying the parts of your partner that contributed to the decline of your relationship. Look back on your past relationships and make a list -- literally sit down and write a list -- of criteria that your next partner needs to meet. Commit to learning from this, and not making the same mistakes.
In six months, you'll have given yourself a lot to feel good about, and it'll be a lot easier to accept that you weren't right for each other.

LatinasAreTheFuture said:
I think people in general don’t really understand abuse. How hard is it to understand. Imagine a dog. Friendly happy playful. Beat the dog with a stick. On a routine, everyday. Years pass. How does the dog behave? Oh wouldn’t you fucking know, the thing shakes constantly, it’s eyes dart around looking for its next beating and it barks and snarls at everything that gets to close because it literally does not know the difference between a friend and an abuser.

So I’ve always wondered why my abuse is seen as my fault. I actually really don’t get it. I guess I’m just a moron, cause you know this just doesn’t make any sense to me.
Click to expand...
I also went through exactly this. Advice:
Don't conflate something being your fault with something being your problem. It really doesn't matter if it's your fault or not, it's your problem, and nobody else is going to fix it because they have no reason to. And just like your analogy, nobody wants to be around a dog that fucking barks and snarls at everything, no matter how good of a reason it has for doing so. If you want things to get better for you, you have to get better, and you're most likely going to have to figure it out on your own. There are a lot of resources for PTSD but it's not like going under the knife, it's more like physical therapy; at the end of the day, you have to do the work. Which sucks, but the alternative is staying a shitty coward shelter dog that lashes out at everything.
 
  • Like
  • Agree
Reactions: .iota., Magnum Magazine, anustart76 and 1 other person
I'm looking at one of the hot threads in an almost stunned state seeing them acting so angry and disconnected as to wonder how and why, I can't not look at them it's almost like a drug.
 
A Crying Goblin said:
I was feeling extremely angry earlier. But now, I just feel kind of a cold comfort. Still angry as fuck. But it's a happy angry. My Eye has been opened to how pathetic and lowly some people in this world really are. How sick and degenerate they are.
Click to expand...
Can you elaborate?
 
I FINALLY managed a height issue I kept having with desktops. It turns out all I had to do was getting an armless chair to get a more comfortable position to type shit with the laptop.
 
31 years old and still grappling with the idea that... this is it.
I guess it's a part of being raised on fiction? Nothing magical is going to happen, no one is going to swoop in and solve your problems, issues will never be resolved with any kind of satisfying closure. I'm going to keep going to work every day and feel wholly unsatisfied, and then come home to a life that could be worse, but also could be way better.

This shit bothered me in my 20s too, but I guess I'm just becoming numb to it. That's the scary part.
 
  • Feels
  • Agree
Reactions: Kalsarikännit, Tequila Jong, Geddy Lee's Fee and See and 9 others
I'm worried about my future.

So I've been reluctant to say much about myself for fear of other people on here. Malicious people, or just being recognized by my distinctive interests or certain stories if someone that knew me in IRL recognized me. But I think I've said enough before for people to know, if they cared, that I'm a graduate student. I teach, nowadays, and I research. That's the two sides of my job.

Life got a lot better last semester because of the teaching. They never gave me classes before. I had to basically demand it or I would quit. It made a huge difference in my life. I didn't have to interact with shitheads anymore, so I was a lot calmer. I was doing work that was actually satisfying to me, so I was happy throughout the day. By the end of it all I felt I had achieved something great. The class (and it was kind of an offbeat thing, they gave me a bullshit one (I wonder if perhaps as retard quarantine/backfired punishment) where I had a lot less oversight, more freedom to talk about things I wanted to that still tied in) really came together in a way that I thought was meaningful, some beautiful lecturing, and quite a few students that seemed very satisfied. Their reviews and other feedback seemed to confirm that. And in the teaching it threw my own beliefs into sharp relief, made me begin to truly appreciate and understand them in ways I hadn't before. It felt like doing a great thing. I also felt like I had aged by thirty years, both good and bad, when I started.

And now I do it all over again. There's the lack of first time enthusiasm now, but also the greater confidence of repeating. I feel my rumination coming back, but I don't think it will swallow me whole this time. But it's the research that bothers me. I just don't have a drop of motivation left in my body. I hate it. I always hated it. The only part of this I like or that I even came here for was to teach. I wouldn't mind if they doubled my teaching load if it meant I didn't have to do research. But I hate this shit, I never work on it. I've poured all my heart and soul into my classes and nothing into my dissertation, and I don't see that changing, and I fear that one day I will just muster out of here. But I have to have the doctorate or no decent university jobs will be available.

I'm also worried about my father. That was always a huge concern for me. I had an awareness of death from a young age, probably because my parents took me to funerals and graveyards. I was aware that one day my family would all be dead, and my father - an old man, could be my grandpa - has finally started to show dramatic age. He's past average life expectancy and it's like something finally flipped that he is purely elderly, white haired, and I'm terrified of his death coming in years, not a decade or more, because he's the main person I talk to. His personality has also taken a nosedive in quality. Mom should be around much longer, for what good that does. When they're both gone there will be nothing left, but even then I have to take care of my cat, which isn't good enough company but is a chain around me.

There is also what feels like a failing body. Two years of massive weight gain, most of it loaded into one year, really, and it came fast enough that I can feel it strangling the life out of me.
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Geddy Lee's Fee and See, Magnum Magazine, Friend of Dorothy Parker and 4 others
Today I went to this huge permanent flea market of sorts we've got over here, spans several blocks around, you can find pretty much anything.
I was looking at used clothes, you know, mostly secondhand clothes (in decent condition) from the USA that get shipped to us third worlders to buy for cheap and keep them from the landfills for a few more years. Thing is, this includes a lot of T-shirts that only got used for a day or so, for some charity event or something, so there's a lot of "Let's fight cancer!", "Fuck Cancer!", "Oklahoma Cancer Awareness Day 2019".

Then I saw one that was in the same style as all those, had these little stick people and a big heart, and some text that read "Live Generously"

But having seen dozens of "Cancer" shirts in the last few minutes, I read it as:
Live Cancerously

I had to do a double take, and sure enough, I read the text correctly this time.
I was SO disappointed. I would have bought it on the spot, on the fucking spot, and worn it proudly forever. Live Cancerously.

And so my day was ruined.
 
  • Like
  • Feels
Reactions: Magnum Magazine, Titty Figurine, anustart76 and 3 others
Weekend was a bit rough. Went to a small get together on Friday and someone mentioned that they were going to have a birthday party for the girl I had a massive crush (who I thought I was over) the next day and then go out to a rave event afterwards. My friend (whose house they were throwing the party at) told me he didn't want to tell me about it because he knew I wasn't really over her yet. I thought I was over her, but it seems I was just managing to distract myself the last few months and not really deal with how I was feeling (it kinda went to shit at the end with her).

I guess it was a bit of a one-two punch. Firstly I'm clearly still hurt when it comes to her, and I'm feeling a bit guilty that my friends feel they need to baby me... they clearly do... but I still feel bad about feeling bad.
 
The problem is that I actually have asked for help and I have never received it. And don’t fuckin bullshit me: there’s not even help available for the girls. I’m tired of putting myself in such a vulnerable position by asking for help with a delicate matter only to be humiliated by it. I mean what, I’m stupid? I’ve never tried to ask for help? It never crossed my mind to cry until somebody did something? I remember someone telling me I was a drama queen. I have been educated very thoroughly about what’s what here and my word should be good enough. I really don’t buy this fucking story about responsibility of problems. The courts don’t make the victims of crimes responsible for any of those criminal proceedings. The whole state will work to correct wrongs.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back