Sometimes it just hits me how little I have. I see people with dozens of friends all being jovial at work, men with multiple women they don't care about, people always talking about what they did with their families on the weekends.
And I just don't have that. I've wanted to have that my whole life.
I think that's the real reason incels/lost men become bitter and suicidal. That knowledge that you have no safety net and that you can't ever make a mistake. That almost nobody wants you around or will be there in the end kind of makes everything like finances, health and all of Maslow's basic hierarchy really almost unattainable if you hit a snag in the road.
That's what bothers me in the end.
If I break my leg, I'm fucked. If I get sick, I'm fucked. If I lose my place, I'm fucked. If anything that eventually happens to literally everyone happens to me, I have to pick up the pieces. Or I have to go to the one or two ride or die niggas I've got and feel shame for relying on them because I don't have anyone in my life.
Sometimes I just hate that holier than thou attitude everyone has about the down-n-out.
"Lol, you have to be a real sperg or ugly as fuck to not get laid."
"Oh that bum on the street put themselves in that position."
C'mon man... walk a mile in my shoes. I mean, sometimes that's right. But there's so many people out there that don't even have to worry about failing. Things just kind of work out no matter how much of a loser they are.
I just sometimes really hate the fact that I'm who I am. I hate that I unironically listened to my boomer parents' life advice or tried to keep myself on the straight and narrow. I've never been a criminal, never went out of my way to screw people over, don't have a DUI or anything... but I still have less than a lot of the people I know who did.
Part of jme ust wishes I grifted through life, used people, sold a persona and tried to show a set of values that I didn't have. Because that seems to be the thing that just works anymore. I see it everywhere. I shouldn't have had to do it all alone. I shouldn't feel like everything's on me at all times. I've known so many people who went out of their way to fuck their life up and still did just fine because they still had people on their side. And sometimes I think they had those people partially because they didn't care.
I don't know if there's any escape for me. I've thought of just leaving the country, but I'll still be me wherever I go. Maybe art, but I find myself really jaded about those prospects more and more lately.
I don't internalize things as much anymore. I at least think now I deserve some love and decency. But I feel like I'm so at odds with everything and everyone that I can't ever really achieve it. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
