I'm already on that "major change" meant to do just that. A lot can be said, the truth is is that humanity is not at its finest hour and I am not living in a golden age and my options with human material are severely limited, while fermented beverages are in excess.
You know man, despite how much I agree with others sometimes with how absolutist your thinking is, I still agree with you on most stuff.
You essentially just summed up my existence in a way I couldn't do with a five paragraph emo post in a sentence.
(I know I said I wouldn't post for a while but I'll try and make this the last one so I'm not going out on a downer)
I will say that despite wanting to walk to my local gunstore yesterday, I had an actual genuinely good night of sleep. It's weird because I've forgotten how great of a feeling it is to just lay in a bed for a couple of hours with absolutely nothing on your schedule to do. The sheer bliss and euphoria of being able to sleep in and every substance on your skin just feeling cozy and warm is really nice.
I think a problem I have a lot is I have ridiculous standards for myself that comes from a lifetime of enjoying fiction and the way it depicts life. It doesn't matter if I write a script, because I wish I could have made a film. I might have some truly great friends, but I don't have nearly as many as some people I know. I'm making good money, but I'm not in a professional job doing "professional things". I have this tremendous burden I put on myself that doesn't help me at all. I can't enjoy anything because it's just a waste of time. When in reality, if I allowed myself to live in the moment for a second, I think the bigger things would fall in order, at least somewhat. What's the point in making a film if you can't even enjoy watching them anymore.
I made a list last night of the films and shows I've watched in the last year, and some of the stuff I've done. And it was really damn impressive. I didn't realize how much I actually did this year. And that was just about 15% of me being productive in between being a whiney, self-sabotaging faggot. Not bad.
I watched Synecdoche, New York recently and it really resonated with me. Not just because it's about a self-aggrandizing, fat emo faggot, but because I know what it's like to be a spectator in your own life. You try to think your life is this thing that will happen eventually, when in reality it's all happening around you all the time. There were so many chances I didn't take because I was dwelling on the past or afraid of rejection/failure or just had my mind on other things that I didn't even take them.
There's been so many things around me that I never even thought to look for until a year ago. There's been so many relationships and connections I let die because I was holding onto dead ones or just let time slip past me.
Moral of the story: Don't be me.
There's really a lot of beautiful shit out there if you give yourself the chance to experience them.
How do you defeat nihilism
? Let's say it's all in the way the brain is wired and your brain doesn't produce the same positive reactions that it normally should, which then leaves you feeling nothing. If it is indeed a physical or chemical issue in the grey matter then what can you do?
You do just enough of the boring shit you have to and SEARCH for the good.
When you're falling 100mph through the air, or you see a really beautiful cemetary on a windy day... I don't care how much of an emo faggot you are or how little serotonin you have or how much you spiritually die at your day job, you will feel alive in those moments.
If you have a car or a means of transportation, you can find things to do that will make you see some beauty in the world.
This might sound like a joke, but the thing that's always helped me is giving myself one thing at a time to stay alive for.
There were times where the only thing that made me really want to keep going was "Oh, I really want to finish this show. I guess I'll put it off another week."
It sounds stupid to some, but sometimes small things are all you really have.
I'm beginning to think I'm too nice and agreeable, but whenever I study things like Machiavelli's works and want to try to apply them to my own life, I just feel dirty and unethical so I end up chickening out and not doing it. I feel like I'm worse off for it.
If your job(s) is requiring you to think like a sociopathic dark triad 5D chessplaying semite instead of being a code monkey like you're supposed, it might be time to switch careers. Or at least jobs.
I don't know how much of the office politics you need to play but unless you're trying to climb to the top I would assume you can just engage enough that you're left alone.
Remind me never to go into tech/medical. I swear to god in the next ten years everyone's going to refuge enmass to the trades or freelance work. I can see Dishwashing being a dream career path with the faggotry on display in certain fields.
I'm not trying to sound bi-polar or say "Yeah, man life is really awesome all the time and there's nothing to worry about. Just vibe to the gay shit and everything will be poggers."
No, I'm still pretty fucking miserable.
But I know now that I didn't have to be miserable for all of that time. Some stuff was outside of my control, but there was a lot more within my grasp than I thought. I'm sure I'll feel like sticking a gun in my mouth again soon. But I still have a couple of things in the future to keep me alive.
But yeah, going to double post like a faggot.
TL;DR:
Don't be me. Don't be some guy who's so stuck in your head that you let life get away from you. Don't think your life has to mimc some Smiths' song you like or has to have the weight and verbosity of an old depressing Russian novel.
Don't be a nigger is all I'm saying.
Even if your job sucks and you hear something on the news about how a troon is going to play Iron Man, don't let it all ruin your day. Find cool shit out there. Keep in contact with your parents.
If you've got a couple of friends, live in an city or town with things to do, and have a family that doesn't completely hate you, than you're doing better than most.
Plenty of the greatest people ever were at odds with the customs and morals of their times and suffered greatly as a result. That doesn't mean you're going to write the next great novel, but you don't have to feel like it's this huge thing that's never happened before when you're dismayed at the state of humanity. It's been this way 500 years before now, and it will be this way 500 years from now.
That's not me saying "Everything's Actually Awesome!"
Things are bad. But the way I see it is we've got two options now.
Start rebelling against the way things are and deal with the consequences.
Try to carve a small bit of comfort for yourself and let the world rage around you.
Anything else at a certain point is pure niggery and I can't engage in it anymore. So in the future, I'm going to try a combination of both. I'm going to make fiction that challenges the times and stand my ground at whatever job I have, but I'm also going to do cool shit while I'm able to and try to meet like-minded people.
Just don't fall in this trap that you can't ever succeed and that everyone's out to get you and there's no hope so you'll just waste your life away. That's how niggers and troons think.
Don't be a nigger or a troon.
EDIT: It's a good thing I got that all out before the inevitable "I want to fucking die" starts coming back full force.
