How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

3850 calories
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Doing things in moderation is the key. Don't hurt yourself, be well.
 
Less trick or treaters every year. People are growing old but no one is getting married and starting families. The homes in my neighbor hood look shabby. Peeling paint, weedy lawns, rusting cars. You put on a smile and try to make small talk when you go out to run errands, but all you see is tired darting eyes on figures hunched over under the weight of their own thoughts.

Young men and women, just stepping into adulthood, barely seem to have a fraction of the spark of life befitting their age. There is no casual high spirited bravado in the men. No confidence in the strength and vitality of youth. There is no capricious joy in the women, haughtily proud in the pinacle of their vibrant beauty. Just a generation of tired, sullen, too old souls with a vague and undefinable sense that something is wrong and they have been dealt a bad hand.

and always there are the boomers.

Ignoring everything around themselves, wrapped up in their own internal world. Loud, bragadocious, and blind to their own age and infirmament. The winners, the go getters, the ones who earned what they have with a firm handshake and hardwork. If the younger generations just tried a little more they could have it all too! I am certain that asking to speak with the manager so you can complain about how slowly the bagger at the grocery store was working will give her the motivation she needs to pull herself up by her bootstraps. It's not like you notice the bags under her eyes. It's not like you notice how worn out her shoes are. It's not like the five minutes you are going to spend holding up the line will get back the thirty seconds you lost because she wasn't bagging your groceries fast enough for you. It's about sending a message. After all you are sixty years young, you still got it!

But most importantly you are in charge, and can't ever let anyone forget that.
 
The pharmacist is out of meds. Lovely. I feel trippy because unmedicated ADD is a bitch that fucks my ability to properly function without being a chaos gremlin but I'll manage. Hopefully they get it later today.

I'm super fortunate that's just quiet ADHD and not diabetes or psychosis or something.

ETA: Calling it "trippy" is an understatement. I don't feel great. Brain is a mess, suddenly wiping the table is too much work, can't focus, irritable,unorganized, overwhelmed and tired.

Awesome. If anything I'll take being an unfocused mess over having a psychotic break.
 
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to fistfights in the parking lot
Between the elderly you mentioned or the employees?
:story:

Bulking fucking sucks, its so hard to gain weight; I ate
3 microwaveable burritos (310 each -> 930 calories)
microwavable general tso's (450 calories)
Ice cream (700 calories)
32oz milk (552 calories)
and a McDonalds Double Quarter Pounder w/ 10 chicky nuggies. (1200~ calories)
That's one hell of a DIRTY dirty bulk.
I'll just starve myself harder on the cut, hope thats not worse compared to the bulk
I've done grueling cuts before, ~22kg/48 freedom pounds in ~2 1/2 months on 1.400kcal/day 4/18 IF (obviously not meeting my macros but i just wanted the weight gone as fast as possible, so no cheat days either) being my "best" and bulking was heaven in comparison. After the first month i pretty much thought about nothing but food all day and my mood was in the shitter, my girlfriend started to call me "the diva" in that time because i was always bitchy. Never looked better than at that time but i won't ever go below 70kg again, just around 80kg is perfect these days. Sitting at around 90kg now because i'm a slob and haven't been using hard drugs as much lately.
what a wonderful thing to wake up to
he clearly still loves his ex
jumping immediately to make plans to meet him
why not just be honest

2025 new year
im making a date again and im going to off myself for real this time

no fucking soul on this planet truly wants me here or loves me

and im the dumbest fool still putting hope in him
i need to see my reality for what it is
theres no place for me

i keep myself alive for hopes and dreams to come true, i can hold on to them very well even if they hurt me and demand from me
yet what do they show me?
that everyone else is more worth
and i get it

then we will never meet
i really get it

its what i have to do
Obligatory "Don't do it". I know it doesn't help much but remember this shit will also pass. A thing i have to tell myself more often than i would like to these days.
 
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what a wonderful thing to wake up to
he clearly still loves his ex
jumping immediately to make plans to meet him
why not just be honest

2025 new year
im making a date again and im going to off myself for real this time

no fucking soul on this planet truly wants me here or loves me

and im the dumbest fool still putting hope in him
i need to see my reality for what it is
theres no place for me

i keep myself alive for hopes and dreams to come true, i can hold on to them very well even if they hurt me and demand from me
yet what do they show me?
that everyone else is more worth
and i get it

then we will never meet
i really get it

its what i have to do
From the posts I've seen you make you seem a real sweetheart. I'm pretty warm blooded myself.

One of the hardest things I had to learn is you need to find it inside yourself to sever from people who will take advantage of your good nature and put your foot down with behaviour which is unacceptable.

You will be happier for it and attract better quality relationships.
 
all for a total of 3850 calories, and I just finished all of this at 11 PM. I'm supposed to only eat 2840 but I didn't hit my protein needed and it all went to shit
My brother in Christ, the sodium and all the hyper processed crap is gonna make you sick, and like you've discovered, it's not easy to even hit your protein goals like that.... You're eating so many hyperprocessed carbs just for the calories, and then drinking on top??? Eat WALNUTS. Here is about 1,000 kcal of mixed nuts: 39g protein (14%.) You can crush unsalted nuts like this up, add them to a big bowl of honey nut cheerios and milk, and make it 1500cal and like 45g protein, ez. mixed_nuts_top_large_13.jpg
Look at caloriefriend's high calorie density tab...

If you can spend so much money on processed junk food, buy some actual bulking foods! They make so many types of shakes and bars and snacks nowadays. I've never liked whey protein, let alone soy or pea- try making ramen/any pasta and adding collagen powder (the stuff that makes bone broth good) and butter or oil for calories.... Try Ultra filtered milk like Fairlife, or protein yogurt drinks.... And look into deviled eggs and egg salad and chicken salad... you can make it crazy caloric for small portions, since it's basically chicken/eggs and oil.

If you're bulking so hard and not even hitting your protein, I don't know if I'd even call that dirty bulking: it's just binge-eating.


My indoor cat randomly appeared covered in some sort of waxy substance. This is the second time. I have no clue what he's getting into or what it is.
 
I now have asthma and a nodule on my lung. But I'm low risk because I don't smoke. Low risk nodule still hurts though. I feel like they don't take that seriously unless you smoke like a chimney. Although it has gotten better since I got the Breo inhaler because I'm coughing a lot less.

The asthma test is tough. They give you quite a lot of albuterol. I was freezing and shaking by the time it was over because that's what it does to you in big doses. And the bus passed me by because it was time for school to let out and was packed. So I ended up walking for awhile to another stop. I thought it would hope me shake less.

I gotta go back on iron and my potassium is too high. So I'm feeling pretty off. It's hard to type or think straight. I have to retest for the potassium in a week.

I don't get it. I eat a healthy diet. I exercise. I blame the lupus for most of this and pretty much stick it under that umbrella.
 
Burnt out.

Loneliness hurts, but I don't wanna be more outgoing. I don't know how or where to start to change that. The more I try expand my horizons and fit in, the more I feel like an outsider. The more I try to give a shit about other people, the more I realize I don't give a shit about them or their lives.

I feel too painfully average and boring to deserve caring about. I wish someone would care, but don't want to ask or be open with other people. I have people in my life who'd be glad to talk it out, but don't want to burden them with my problems. I feel obligated to solve other people's problems, even when they say I don't have to.

I feel busy, but never fulfilled. Like I'm obligated to waste my time on shit that doesn't ultimately matter.
I heap heavy burdens upon myself that nobody actually expects of me.
Calling it "trippy" is an understatement. I don't feel great. Brain is a mess, suddenly wiping the table is too much work, can't focus, irritable,unorganized, overwhelmed and tired.
I hate this feeling so damn much. You have too much shit to do, but not enough hours in the day or fucks to give to do it.

How many of the ADHD over-diagnoses became self-fulfilling prophecies? We were told it's like wearing glasses to see, but now we're dependent on it. We cannot function without the chemical handcuffs we've been microdosed on since childhood.
 
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I hate this feeling so damn much. You have too much shit to do, but not enough hours in the day or fucks to give to do it.
Not to mention no energy but your brain is still working on overdrive. I did get the meds today eventually tho so that's nice.
How many of the ADHD over-diagnoses became self-fulfilling prophecies? We were told it's like wearing glasses to see, but now we're dependent on it. We canot function without the chemical handcuffs we've been microdosed on since childhood.
I will admit, I was diagnosed last year and began the meds around that time. It's been a tremendous help but being without the meds for a day is rather scary considering the contrast. Not a nice juxtaposition between medicated and unmedicated.

Which is why I pity the ones with severe psychosis disorders. Imagine your brain twisting and turning and conjuring up delusions and hallucinations and the one item to help you is unavailable.

PL but when I was in the loony bin, I had a conversation with someone who had psychosis and she talked about how she was grateful for the meds because otherwise she'd be seeing bugs and dead people everywhere.
 
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I just woke up and I regret everything... probably should just get over the protein powder and just drink that everyday. Kinda got tired of cooking and it came to that.
So, how much time did you spend on the shitter today? :story:
Burnt out.

Loneliness hurts, but I don't wanna be more outgoing. I don't know how or where to start to change that. The more I try expand my horizons and fit in, the more I feel like an outsider. The more I try to give a shit about other people, the more I realize I don't give a shit about them or their lives.

I feel too painfully average and boring to deserve caring about. I wish someone would care, but don't want to ask or be open with other people. I have people in my life who'd be glad to talk it out, but don't want to burden them with my problems. I feel obligated to solve other people's problems, even when they say I don't have to.

I feel busy, but never fulfilled. Like I'm obligated to waste my time on shit that doesn't ultimately matter.
I heap heavy burdens upon myself that nobody actually expects of me.

I hate this feeling so damn much. You have too much shit to do, but not enough hours in the day or fucks to give to do it.

How many of the ADHD over-diagnoses became self-fulfilling prophecies? We were told it's like wearing glasses to see, but now we're dependent on it. We cannot function without the chemical handcuffs we've been microdosed on since childhood.
I swear i don't want to sound like an asshole but i never expected the stuff under the spoiler coming from you, just going by reading other posts from you in this thread and elsewhere on the forum.
 
I swear i don't want to sound like an asshole
No offense taken.
but i never expected the stuff under the spoiler coming from you, just going by reading other posts from you in this thread and elsewhere on the forum.
There are maybe a half-dozen people IRL I can be my true self with. Even with them, I hide my power level.

The problem is largely self-imposed. They wouldn't think less of me if I did open up to them, but I still don't want to. I don't like being vulnerable.
 
Halloween didn't even feel like Halloween. All I did was go home and just kept up with the freaking elections. I'm just gonna completely tune it out and find away to get into my festive mode in this year. Probably gonna just stock up on cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving and Christmas for my family gathering.
 
Not significantly more for me either but i know exactly what you mean.

Double true for that, apart from money issues.
I think part of the reason I hold back is because I don't wanna sperg out and say or do something I'll regret. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

But that can also lead to bottling up your emotions and feeling slighted because someone else failed to read your mind.
 
The older I get the worse my tolerance for weed seems to be. Never was some huge stoner but I partake occasionally. Halloween was one of those nights. Smoked a bit around 7 at night, just shared a single bowl with my sister. Quarter to one in the afternoon now and I’m still feeling it a bit (mostly in that “I’m 90% normal but still have that brain fog” kind of high. Annoying.
 
Less trick or treaters every year. People are growing old but no one is getting married and starting families. The homes in my neighbor hood look shabby. Peeling paint, weedy lawns, rusting cars. You put on a smile and try to make small talk when you go out to run errands, but all you see is tired darting eyes on figures hunched over under the weight of their own thoughts.

Young men and women, just stepping into adulthood, barely seem to have a fraction of the spark of life befitting their age. There is no casual high spirited bravado in the men. No confidence in the strength and vitality of youth. There is no capricious joy in the women, haughtily proud in the pinacle of their vibrant beauty. Just a generation of tired, sullen, too old souls with a vague and undefinable sense that something is wrong and they have been dealt a bad hand.

and always there are the boomers.

Ignoring everything around themselves, wrapped up in their own internal world. Loud, bragadocious, and blind to their own age and infirmament. The winners, the go getters, the ones who earned what they have with a firm handshake and hardwork. If the younger generations just tried a little more they could have it all too! I am certain that asking to speak with the manager so you can complain about how slowly the bagger at the grocery store was working will give her the motivation she needs to pull herself up by her bootstraps. It's not like you notice the bags under her eyes. It's not like you notice how worn out her shoes are. It's not like the five minutes you are going to spend holding up the line will get back the thirty seconds you lost because she wasn't bagging your groceries fast enough for you. It's about sending a message. After all you are sixty years young, you still got it!

But most importantly you are in charge, and can't ever let anyone forget that.
It's because everyone leaves, there's no time for the memories you want, and nothing works.

Let's say you're 24 with a Masters, you've already had and probably lost 3 friend groups because different cities and you realize the professional world is incredibly disappointing and often evil.
 
So we just found our I'm pregnant with our first kid. 7 weeks right now but gotta wait till week 9 for the first Obgyn appointment

Any Kiwis who have good advice for surviving 1st trimester? I've managed to avoid the morning sickness bar a few days in Week 5 so far
Invest in cocoa butter to avoid stretch marks and don't overexert yourself if you're doing weightlifting or any kind of hard physical activity. The nausea will come and go just from the hormonal changes and your body making room for the bab. Other than that just listen to your body and congrats!
 
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