I'm getting tired of my inability to rely on anyone around me, their fucking ingratitude, their spinelessness, and the short-sighted idiocy. I feel like I need to fucking get drunk right now. You really, truly cannot rely on other people. I'm tired of going out of my way for other people the best I can and just getting shit on by most of them.
I want to move somewhere warmer. Need a change of scenery, better climate. I'm slowly coming to dislike the life I'm in as I'm becoming increasingly disenchanted with my surroundings. and the people around me. I think my boss is slowly disrespecting me because I said I'm never going to see eye-to-eye with him on his religion, among other things.
It starts to feel like the solution to all my problems is to isolate myself, but I'm afraid I'll slowly become a crazy person.
Something I've noticed from everyone more successful than I am is that they've made far more compromises than I've been willing to. The thing is, however, that people actually never truly compromise. They surrender. That's what I feel I've seen in the lives of most of my family members. They have become unforgiving, unrelenting, always remembering what you've done and always ready to hold it against you.
When people tell you to compromise, they're really telling you to surrender.
My siblings and I were raised Presbyterian Orthodox Christian, and we staunchly believed in Christ's authority in our lives. However, my sisters married men who were basically on-the-fence liberal "Christians" who readily sell themselves out to the state. One of my brothers is married, but she isn't even a Christian and their wedding was officiated by a female pastor.
My youngest brother is a genius--he can play like 50 different instruments and makes a living teaching a handful of students how to play them. But he isn't married and just spends all his free time playing video games. It's strange to me to consider that he is probably the most successful and normal sibling in the family, but the only way he was able to achieve that was to remain single and pretty much cut off communications with the rest of us. He's a pretty cool dude, and I wish I'd been a better brother to him when we were growing up.
I believe in God, Jesus, and what the Bible says. At the same time, most of my interactions with my friends, family, and fellow Christians in my life have led me to despise my fellow Christians. And I hate myself for feeling that way.
My father and mother retired a while back which is something I never thought they would do. We're in this devastating economy that's only getting worse, and somehow they--two staunch Christians--think it's fine to live off the benefits that they're essentially stealing from their grandchildren and great grandchildren. None of this makes sense.
Speaking of myself, I've always been a smartass and I've a tendency to smart off. I'm particularly good at pointing out other peoples' deficiencies and shortcomings when I see them. Much of the time this is unintentional, but realizing I have this tendency has led to me just not speaking unless I have to. I eventually cut off all communication with my siblings because they would often tell me how I'd say something hurtful. Oddly, they never told me what it was that I said that hurt them, they just told me I had that tendency.
I guess you can say, I'm a lot like Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio. For those unfamiliar with the original book, the talking cricket was killed by Pinocchio.
For the last 15 years or so, I've cut off all communication with my siblings. I see them every now and then, like the odd Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, but whenever I talk with any of them, they still treat me like the person I was 15 year ago, notwithstanding the time that has passed. They don't want to get to know the "new" me, they just want to keep talking to the me 15 years ago.
The last time I spoke with one of my sisters, all she wanted to do was find fault with me and tell me how she thinks I should live my life. This was after I showed interest in moving to her town, getting a job, and attend her local church. The one opportunity I took to try reconnect with my family, I was summarily shut down. Funny thing was, I found I really didn't care anymore. I mean, I did, but the moment was fleeting because I almost expected it. My parents asked me later how I felt about it and I had to admit, "I don't."
What this has all led me to, at this point, is to acknowledge that I'm not just a flawed person, but that my family members think me forever worthy of their scorn. They've kept treating me this way even after they've hugged me and said they forgive me which essentially means their forgiveness is bullshit. I've fully acknowledge and accepted I'm incredibly difficult to get along with and my trying to change doesn't even matter because they're still intent on treating me like the person they knew 15 years ago.
I compromised, and it's still not good enough. The only thing that they'll accept is if I just die.
My current plan is to work my way out of my current debts, climb into my car and become a nomad, become a wanderer. I want to go across the country, find a nice quiet place to settle down in, away from cities, away from large groups of people, away from people I once knew, and try to set things off anew.
