How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I'm feeling a lot better, much less anxiety. On what I think is a related note, the sun came out today for the first time in what might be a month. It's been dark and gray for too long. I think that improved my mood a lot today. Guess I'm a little like Superman, I feel better when exposed to the sun.

I really gotta get out of this state.
 
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I was complaining about being called in and overworked and someone said "but I thought you liked working all these hours? You don't really?"

Listen. It's one thing to be SCHEDULED for 5 12hr shifts a week. Or even 6 days! It's one thing to pick up extra days and extra hours. That's not what they're doing. On every single day I have off, the cook calls off and I have to go to work at 5AM with an hour notice. Being scheduled for 60hrs is one thing. Getting 1hr notice that I'm working 5AM-8PM on my singular day off, having not gotten home from work until 8pm the day before? Brutal.

One of the big bosses was finally around to tell off my incompetent manager, but unfortunately (and predictably) it just made him run around the kitchen talking about how "there's no way to please HATERS!" Yes, the haters with such unreasonable demands as "don't be 3 hours late to work every day" and "do your job."

I'm gunning to take his job. I'd be better at it.
 
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I'm pretty good. I think I have to make dinner today, but I don't have any real direction yet. I really have gotten into fresh herbs and I think I might do something like that with chicken breast. I'm really trying to cut out carbs and sauces and extra calories because I'd like to be really lean going into the summer.
 
I'm really getting buttfucked by bureaucracy lately.

Lost some money just because everything you need takes no less than a week to process, and they don't bother telling you that, ever. Plus the government's online systems fucking suck (tho I imagine that's true not just in my side of the world, but everywhere)
 
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It's actually insane how much worse my mental and emotional state becomes the instant I'm around my family.

If nothing else it makes me feel better that I'll be travelling for work.

Thinking about pushing the PTSD-ridden martyrs to put the violent retard in a home. Thinking about going behind their back and doing it myself, but it's really not my problem to solve.

I miss having parents. I miss having people I can open up to. I just find myself thinking, "When the fuck do I get to be weak? When the fuck is it my turn to cry?"
 
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dick brain said:
I miss having parents. I miss having people I can open up to. I just find myself thinking, "When the fuck do I get to be weak? When the fuck is it my turn to cry?"
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I'm sorry. I somewhat understand what you mean. I didn't talk to people for a very long time about my problems because I didn't want to burden them with them. When I finally did, it didn't go very well.

I was offered a cool job today so that was pretty awesome. I haven't worked in a few months for reasons and am ready to get back at it.
 
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I broke up with my girlfriend after six years of relationship. This is one of the most horrible pains in my entire life and I will not recover from this for a very long time.

Take care of your loved ones, Kiwibros, don't make the same mistakes I did, love your partner and treat her or him like the respect he or she deserves. Love them, tell them how much you mean to them. It will make lots of improvements on the situation, believe me.

For me, I'm considering starting drinking or wanting to end it all. I don't know, time will tell I guess. I became lonely and single again, and I think this will be like that for a long, long time.
 
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I'm stressed for a lot of reasons right now.
But I am grateful every time I come on here to have a retard job and not have entered tech. Jesus christ, you guys go through some shit.
Yeah, I'll never make over 60k a year at this rate but I get to call my coworkers retards and faggots, I have a flexible schedule, and get to shoot the shit with similar people. I'm kind of happy just to have that sometimes.
 
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Contrary to my abrasive, sarcastic, and racist persona online I'm usually actually a very compliant peace and love hippy kind of guy irl.

On the advice of my friends I've adopted a far more cold, aggressive, and arrogant persona in my personal and professional life and in the past year I've been promoted twice at my corpo job and even been getting more attention from girls lately.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy but at the same time I'm dismayed at just how much of your soul you have to give up to succeed. I'm not sure how to feel atm.
 
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I really wish there was something set up to help me, but they don’t even help women with this kind of stuff so 🤷‍♂️.

I’ve gotten real cynical and bitter. It’s hard for me to take on good honest faith that people really do care for each other when I can be tortured and people just shrug or victim blame. And it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault that others don’t care. It wouldn’t be the first time people piss on each other.

I got kind of upset today because I was describing a problem and the person so matter of fact suggested something that I had already done as step one in my like four step journey leading up to that point. It stresses me out beyond belief simply when my conversation partner can’t take me at my word. If I can’t make a simple statement with out being questioned like I’m a liar or a imbecile, like I don’t know what I see with my own eyes and know with my fuckin brain, then I don’t know dude we are so fucked. Like seriously we cant take a complainant at their word? I gotta video tape the crime in progress or gee I guess it just didn’t happen?! My god! And I know for a fact that others receive the treatment I’m looking for, they complain and the torture CAN just stop! It’s really not up to the victim to accurately describe the crime, it’s up to everyone else to correct the mistake. And if no one corrected the mistake then ya it can be ignored but then I just get left behind.

I’m told that if I had said something that maybe something would have changed. I did say something, all the time. People didn’t know what to do or didn’t understand or didn’t care to understand. I made the attempt, it’s not my fault I got let down.

Hate the finger pointing. I’m not saying anyone is a bad person, just that everyone that let me down is a fucking scumbag. They knew.

My biggest regret is with the girls. They don’t know about me and sometimes I don’t say so I give the wrong impression. They might think I’m uptight or that I don’t like them when really I’m just shy or nervous. I think people in general don’t really understand abuse. How hard is it to understand. Imagine a dog. Friendly happy playful. Beat the dog with a stick. On a routine, everyday. Years pass. How does the dog behave? Oh wouldn’t you fucking know, the thing shakes constantly, it’s eyes dart around looking for its next beating and it barks and snarls at everything that gets to close because it literally does not know the difference between a friend and an abuser.

So I’ve always wondered why my abuse is seen as my fault. I actually really don’t get it. I guess I’m just a moron, cause you know this just doesn’t make any sense to me.
 
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