How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I'm using my recent experience of dental agony as an excuse to switch from drinking Pepsi to sparkling water and club soda (baby steps) and then as an excuse for buying 800 feet of dental floss and the finest cheap-ass chinkshit electric toothbrush that was on sale anyway. Men my age are supposed to be buying porn and guns and shit, what the fuck is wrong with me?
 
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I had gotten my hours for last week logged and the spreadsheet shows the income before taxes for that, it feels really weird to look at as i've never made that much before even at he best paying job I've ever had. I'm still pretty broke until payday but after that I need to determine how I triage my debts, and how much I hve to put aside in case I don't get another contract and my backup plan doesn't pan out in time.

The work is really light compared to what i've done before and I feel like I'm always a bit woried that I'm going to mess up or just not be good enough for them to invite me back for another contract.

Also I think staying in my hotel for my day off was a bit more lonely then I expected.
 
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About to move teams at work and hopefully get into a better place, but still the long-term plan of an office gig, hopefully within the company, is just fleeting. You'd think it easier to step up internally by promotion than applying anew, but it's such a colossal fat white middle-aged mother mill that they just want a carbon copy of whoever quit the job. Sure I'd only have to land one such job to be off well for the next 5-6 years, but the chances are only getting lower as my uni graduation grows more distant in the past.

Basically all public office jobs require an office education, most of which are literally 1:1 what you'll be doing in an office job, but often it's also just.. be youthful and IT-capable. But that shit don't get you jobs. One day I'm optimistic, the next I feel as if it's Joever already. Not that I can't eventually try another education and job market, but just that my master's was a waste of 5 years.
 
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The stray dogs came back into my yard, and they came so fast my other chickens didn't even freak out. I was making dinner, when my husband came home and asked if I had heard anything. After some investigating, we saw they had our second free-roam rooster (as we hadn't seen any signs of the strays in a week). They were eating him.

My husband posted about it on our neighborhood Facebook page, and now ladies are re afraid to walk their little dogs, because my husband confirmed that one of the strays was a full-sized German shepherd.

We're borrowing my mom's sheep dog, maybe permanently. She doesn't eat chickens, doesn't eat eggs, and she's very calm. My neighbor also confirmed to my husband that they saw the pack of dogs, and, embarrassingly, that they heard my shouting the day of the first attack.
 
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Today I was at a family member's funeral, I went to say my last goodbyes to that person. I used to be close to this family member during my childhood a lot but we then became distant because they had health issues that required them to travel a lot to receive treatment/therapy for and be far from where I lived

Despite this being a somber day, the sky on my back home was beautiful. It was full of pink, orange and purple clouds, even though I'm not super religious, a part of me believes this was this person's last gift to me and my family. I dunno, I just might reread the Bible.
 
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No answers from the job interview. It's getting hotter each passing day and it's not even spring yet. I see lots of moths on my way home, I'm very fond of them. It's funny to watch my cats try to catch them, those cute predators. They are my whole world and the reason I return home everyday.
Aside from that, I've been thinking about my career and what should be my next step. I am feeling stuck and I would love to earn more, perhaps get a job in another country. The awful thing is to wait until I get there. I'm not a "enjoy the journey" person, too anxious to do that. Oh well, let's see what life brings me.
A friend donated me his TV after mine died, so I've been watching some movies while my cats sleep on my feet.
Uh, what else?
Alright, bought some nice stuff to make dinner tomorrow, looking forward to it. I am in debt but I deserve nice things sometimes.
 
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I'm in the bus, I'm very tired and my meds haven't kicked in yet because my ADD mind is bouncing all over the place.

Hence getting slightly but unreasonable anxious because two black women entered and they both remind me of my birth mother. One got her exact same doughy body type and the other wears the same head scarf she used to wear.

They are probably nice ladies and my birth mother is probably not alive or in the country anymore but sometimes I get slightly freaked out by the idea of running into her especially when I'm stressed / tired / exhausted / overwhelmed.

Other than that, I finished some writing projects and that makes me very happy. Same with the weather. The heatwave died and fucked all the fucking way the fuck off. Bless... Unirocially.
 
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Feeling pretty good. Managed to get something checked off my list.
Had to get the upright deep freeze de-iced which invoked go the extra mile since the 'shelves' aren't removable. So had to spend like 30 minutes pouring hot water over the grates and chipping off when I could. Going to look at getting a new gasket since I think that's causing the issue with it not closing 100%. Thankfully, the pre- and -post wasn't too bad since I have everything (sorted) in plastic bins.
Aside from that, gotta get ahold of my dentist tomorrow to see about getting my night guard fixes so I can actually sleep with it in my mouth without feeling like throwing up. Probably look at getting another root canal done (first one is always the worst); thankfully, my teeth aren't awful and managed to pull myself out the years long funk I was in.
 
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I'm one of those people who loathes talking about their own pain in real life. Not from any sense of stoicism or propriety, but simply because of all of the "Midwest myalgia" type people Ive known in life that do nothing BUT talk about how much pain they are in. I hate those people, and I hate listening to them.

But I sit and read this thread, and feel completely different. There isn't much of that kind of pity whoring, here. There's just people talking about life, and I find I still have the empathy I've lost for people in real life.

So I humbly beg you fine kiwis to understand my hypocrisy when I say this:

My fucking knees hurt.
 
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I am unable to connect with people on any level and while this should sadden me I feel practically nothing. I believe I shall live alone and die alone without ever connecting with another person in any real capacity.
I feel this fits well as I think I've given up any notion of a future where there are even fleeting moments of happiness or content. I will not have the funds necessary to see the world or experience the joys in life to any capacity, and I can not delude myself into being a wage slave.
I spent so much of my life attempting to leave no trace that I've become a ghost in my own existence. A figure in the background that never truly stood out. Often I consider simply disappearing off into the northwest or to some small coastal town to try and begin anew, but reasonably I don't even have the means to start new so here I must fester and remain.
 
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ChaosReignsOnSomeSaturday said:
I am unable to connect with people on any level and while this should sadden me I feel practically nothing.
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Welcome to the Farms!

Fuck absolutely everyone.

I like cats though. Have you considered getting a cat? I mean if you're not so psychotic you'd just kill it.

Get a kitty. It might just get you through.
 
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AnOminous said:
Welcome to the Farms!

Fuck absolutely everyone.

I like cats though. Have you considered getting a cat? I mean if you're not so psychotic you'd just kill it.

Get a kitty. It might just get you through.
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Not really a cat person tbh. The idea of a litter box grosses me out and toxoplasmosis is a thing.
 
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A stranger at my favorite coffeeshop tried to give me the hemilich the other day. I'm still reeling with embarrassment. I wasn't really choking: just having a rough go of it. It's just a thing that happens to me. It was a very socially awkward, bizarre interaction, and that's the part that loops in my head. There's no moral to the story and nobody clapped. I'm just still a little upset and I don't want to go back there for a while because I'm paranoid that the staff will remember me.

PSA: if someone is still making noises or actively fights you off them, don't do the hemilich on them. The universal sign of choking is putting both hands over the throat. If someone is obviously trying to work it out themselves (coughing, hitting their chest, gasping, etc), they know what the deal is better than you so don't start grabbing at them. Real choking is silent.
 
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